Hamz Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Okay, this is quite long, so I apologize ahead of time. I met this guy online, and we started seeing each other at the end of February. Some background; I'm 26, work a full-time and a part-time job, live with roomies, going to grad school in the fall (in a different city from where I live now), pretty independent and someone who needs lots of space. He is 32, does not work, lives at home with his mother (has never lived away from home), very sweet and generous... He showers me with loads of attention, comes up with fun and unique date ideas, brings me flowers, opens the car door for me, offers me rides to/from work, told me very early on that he wants to take me "off the market" (all of which I'm not used to in relationships, so I was trying to welcome it). It was all very nice at first, but it's become too much, especially for me who is not that needy to begin with, and for someone who is leaving for grad school in the fall. He constantly calls and texts me, even throughout the day while I'm at work. One night about week ago he showed up on my doorstep at around 11:00pm, unannounced, after we had seen each other the night before, and then had plans for the night after. I know he probably thought it was nice and innocent, but it wasn't okay for me (I did tell him that it was not okay for him to do that). Last weekend we spent A LOT of time together... to much for me. When Sunday night rolled around I had to tell him that he couldn't spend the night that night. The next day he didn't call me until the afternoon, which is unusual for him, so I knew something was up. He told me that he wanted to talk so I told him that we could later that night (after I got home from my 2nd job). He came over (notebook with written notes in hand) to express to me that he was frustrated with this weekend (he thought it'd bring us closer together) and with me not communicating my wants and needs (true). We had a long conversation where I explained to him that I needed a little space to think about things. He was very happy for me to explain how I was feeling and left that night with the ball in my court- so to speak. I thought "great! I'll take some time to think about things, and call him in a couple of days." Well, the very next day he called four times. Then the day after he called a couple of times. The following day (Thursday) he called and texted four times in a matter of 30 minutes, while I was at home. The night before I had a long conversation with my friend. She thinks he is anxious and neurotic, and not for me. She suggested that I ask him for a week break with no contact so that I could really think about things. I thought it was a good idea, and asked him for that. He was, surprisingly, very understanding. The day after I talked to my mom for a good three hours about this. Her thoughts are that with everything going on in my life right now (two jobs, planning a big month-long trip, and going to grad school) that I just don't have the room for a serious relationship. She also thinks that things don't align with us; his lack of motivation for instance. Also, some red flags for her are: him smothering me, he living with his mother at 32 (and never having lived alone), and having no job. So, here I am four days after I told him we needed a no-contact break, and I'm feeling very guilty. This is a problem of mine though; a lot of times I act on guilt. I feel like I don't want him to think I'm playing games. I don't really know what to do, to be honest. On one hand I kinda want to throw the towel in and just not see him anymore, while on the other I feel like I should like him because he is so nice and is so into me. Anyway, I'm not sure my question, but wanted to get some thoughts.
Lakeside_runner Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 ...I feel like I should like him because he is so nice and is so into me. But you don't! That's the point! You have a lot going on in your life right now, you're very busy professionally. You're going to move soon for grad school. IF you're not that much into him - tell him and give him a chance to meet someone who'll genuinely enjoy everything he does for them (and I'm not saying that what he does isn't a little creepy so early! Too me he comes of as a very clingy/stalkerish personality). Don't act on you gilt - nothing good will ever come out of this.
bati Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 It sounds like you have been putting a lot of thought into this. I have to ask though, how do you feel about him? Not how you think you should feel. I've dated very clingy, nice guys before. The kind you "think" you will never meet again, the kind you "should" be able to love. They smothered me, drove me crazy, and caused me to emotionly shutdown. I asked myself a simple question when trying to decide if i should stay or go. If he is like this everyday for the next 2 years, will i be happy? or will i need him to change inorder to be happy. If there is ANY doubt, or internal dialogue in the lines of "i would be happy if he would....." then its a no brainer. P.S. 32, still living with parents, no job.. does he have any plans for his life? or is he looking for the next women to support him? Men who dont work irritate me.
Eeyore79 Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 If you were really into him, you'd welcome the attention... the fact that you don't probably means you're not really into him. Apart from anything else, a 32yo man who still lives with his mommy and has no job is BAD NEWS. If your relationship lasted, how would he pay his way, how would he support children? Is he always going to be attached to his mommy's apron strings? Dating is not charity - you can't date someone just because you feel you should, or because you feel sorry for them. You have to do what's best for you, and what's best is for you to get rid of this loser and date a decent guy who can stand on his own two feet and pay his way.
marsle85 Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Girl. This is easy. You don't want him... and that's okay . Just be kind and respectful about it. It sounds like he's really into you, and a true romantic. Some girl will be very happy. But simply... not you. Move on! It's time to find someone else.
DustySaltus Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 I just think that the combination of you having not time to put into the realtionship and him having way too much time on his hands is a recipe for disaster. At 32 a man should have some idea on what he wants to do with his life and have some sort of job. If he put half the energy he has put into calling, texting and showing up at your house into himself, he could have been well on the way to accomplishing big things. I would suggest putting him out of his misery. There's just too much ground to make up between the two of you.
tkgirl Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 I just think that the combination of you having not time to put into the realtionship and him having way too much time on his hands is a recipe for disaster. At 32 a man should have some idea on what he wants to do with his life and have some sort of job. If he put half the energy he has put into calling, texting and showing up at your house into himself, he could have been well on the way to accomplishing big things. I would suggest putting him out of his misery. There's just too much ground to make up between the two of you. yep.. you have way too much going for you and he isn't even trying to figure out what he should be doing... not living at home with mom is a start! do NOT feel guilty about leaving him.. I was like that at your age, stayed with a guy that was basically a loser but "needed me" and I guess that's what I wanted at the time. Then I finally wised up and dumped him... and after months of him stalking me and me finally having to get a restraining order he FINALLY left me alone and started to get his own life figured out. Years later we became sort of friends again and he's doing really well! Started his own business, married, kids etc... Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is you are not responsible for him and leaving him might be the best thing for BOTH of you!
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