Elena62 Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Cut a long story short I've been the OW and a BS. A BS first and OW second. At the moment I've been pretty much getting on with my life - albeit behind closed doors and attending to my two teenage children. I've concentrated on my career with terrific results. Making amends with myself and trying to forgive myself for my many mistake and trying to live without regret. I think I've done well. Except. The OM Got in touch with me recently. The contact between us has been random via emails over the past two and a half years. I found it hard. The last bunch of contact was him basically telling me his life was pretty much the same - his wife and him don't connect and of it wasn't for their child he wouldn't be married. He flirted with me via email. I could have quite easily slipped back into it. But I didn't. I put my foot down and reminded him he was unavailable to me that I could never meet him again. To let me go. I haven't heard back. Good! My ex husband has just signed the divorce petition. So we are now done. The moves me makes are incredible. He has even made passes at me over the past six months. I have refused him. I know him of old all he wants is sex. I don't know if I have done enough to tell these men that I just don't want the mess anymore and that I respect myself too much (and the other people in their life). Why don't they just "get it" and let me be. And to top it all off, my ex boss who is also a friend and who got married two years ago and I took his wedding photos made a play for me via text when he found out my divorce had come thorough. To say the words he said to me were disgusting is an understatement. I told him "YOU ARE MARRIED!" I feel jaded. Is this what I have to look forward to? A bunch of men that are married and just want sex? I thought that if I did the right thing, be caring to myself and go back to my original morals prior to the messes in my life, that I would be able to get back out there and perhaps even date. Nothing heavy, just find friendships of value. Have I done enough saying NO to these men and sticking to it? What else is it that I need to do to get them out of my life? Is NO enough? Really, I have said NO so many times it's starting to get on my nerves!
Ronni_W Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Have I done enough saying NO to these men and sticking to it? I guess we could look at it like this: Since it's still causing you a problem, it is indicating that you haven't done enough for your self about it. For some people 'no' is not enough. They take it as a challenge, or an 'invitation' to keep trying, or something else that is warped and distorted. That's THEIR problem, though, not the person's who is saying 'no'. It sounds...well, you're saying 'no' but it doesn't come across that you're backing that up with any firm-serious actions that support what you're saying. Are you possibly still leaving yourself open to their further flirtations and advances through the way you're engaging with them? Have you considered going 100% no contact, or are there other things that you do get from still being in contact? If you have kids, then of course you'll still need to speak with your ex-husband. But just keep it "strictly business & professional"...and sooner or later, he will HAVE to get that your 'no' is absolute and non-negotiable. If you send out a weak 'no', then, by the sounds of things, they're going to take full advantage of that. Best of luck.
Chochobong Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 No contact and block communication to all that you can afford to ditch - cut them out of your life. Sounds like the ex-husband would be the only one you can't - just have to continue to be firm with him and he should eventually get the idea.
Author Elena62 Posted April 18, 2010 Author Posted April 18, 2010 I guess we could look at it like this: Since it's still causing you a problem, it is indicating that you haven't done enough for your self about it. For some people 'no' is not enough. They take it as a challenge, or an 'invitation' to keep trying, or something else that is warped and distorted. That's THEIR problem, though, not the person's who is saying 'no'. It sounds...well, you're saying 'no' but it doesn't come across that you're backing that up with any firm-serious actions that support what you're saying. Are you possibly still leaving yourself open to their further flirtations and advances through the way you're engaging with them? Have you considered going 100% no contact, or are there other things that you do get from still being in contact? If you have kids, then of course you'll still need to speak with your ex-husband. But just keep it "strictly business & professional"...and sooner or later, he will HAVE to get that your 'no' is absolute and non-negotiable. If you send out a weak 'no', then, by the sounds of things, they're going to take full advantage of that. Best of luck. Actually, you may have a point. Maybe I did leave it too open to indicate that I actually mean NO. With the MM I have gone NC, I did finally and bluntly told him to let me go and put me in his past and that being in contact with him would not bring me anything but heartache. I made it clear that I want NC. So far, that has worked. With my ex Boss it's a different story as the incident only happened a couple of days ago and I was in extreme shock at the texts messages and phone call I received whilst grocery shopping. It was totally out of the blue and I had no previous contact with him other than work related stuff. I have searched to see in any of my communications if it could be misinterpreted. I have found that I was only professional. Anyway in the phone call he was being explicit. I told him he was married and put the phone down. If I do get calls and messages tomorrow, I will make it clear I will tell his wife. With my ex H, he actually apologized to me earlier. So I'm happy with that. This man I do have to keep in my life but at a distance because of the children. I think you are right that I wasn't doing enough for myself about it all and that in itself has made me feel vulnerable and disheartened by male behaviour and my own responses to it. I need to be more tough and make sure that inappropriate behaviour towards me is slammed in the first instance, rather than being scared by it. Thanks so much for your input! I do appreciate it
Author Elena62 Posted April 18, 2010 Author Posted April 18, 2010 No contact and block communication to all that you can afford to ditch - cut them out of your life. Sounds like the ex-husband would be the only one you can't - just have to continue to be firm with him and he should eventually get the idea. Thanks for that! I know I have to be tough. I just have to get over the feeling of vulnerability and I can only do that by setting firmer boundaries.
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