quackquackhen Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 i am not really sure whether i should post this here or in the break-up section...but i am guessing here is probably more appropriate... so i entered an into an affair about 2 1/2 years ago...when we met i told him that i was married and that i was not looking for any complications...well what i ended up getting was far more than complications...i've never been on such an emotional roller-coaster in my entire life... as i said, i told him that i was married straight away...i did not find out that he was married until we had been together for a few months...by which time it was already complicated enough... fast forward to the present...as the first two years were just the usual ow stuff...the same that we all go through...so in january he left his wife...this was something he had talked about doing, he had told me that he had been to see lawyers and was not having sex with her, etc, etc...all turned out to be lies... so when he actually left his wife, i was speechless to say the least...especially given that i was in the process of breaking up with him for the gazillionth time... we were not breaking up due to his marriage status...he had been telling me some amazing lies...from being born on a plane on the way to new zealand (he has never been os)...to having a daughter to someone, but he didn't see her anymore...um...that he didn't have his license after he'd had a really bad car crash in a stolen car...that he had been offered a contract to wrestle in japan but had turned it down for me...oh that he had to go into hospital to have this operation on his back...he asked me to fly over to be with him (i live on the other side of the country), but then when the operation date got closer he started to push me away...i thought it was to do with his wife, it was because there was no damned operation... anyway so the final straw was when his best female friend sent me a scathing email telling me that they had been out of contact for a year because of me...which is what he had been telling me...so i discovered that this was all a lie as well...so it was around this time that i decided, yet again, that i needed to break it off... but then he was so sad and needy after leaving his wife and not being able to see his daughter...it was approaching our 2 year anniversary so i went over to be with him...and so the roller coaster ride continued... just recently i was questioning his lies and games and asked for access to his emails...which were given to me after a huge amount of deleting...but he did not delete quite enough...problem with lying all the time, one forgets what one has become embroiled in... so i found all manner of messages...only one way...i could not read what he had written...only what the replies were...but literally hundreds of messages in a short period of time between him and another female... some of the interactions were purely sexual...some was written, from what i can gather a lot were texts and phone calls then some included swapping photographs and video footage...not sure of actual webcam interaction...i was told that this was my fault because he wanted footage of me but seeing as i was not forthcoming...he sought it elsewhere... then some of the other interactions were emotional...once again via messages on facebook, texts and phonecalls...these ones were talking about futures together and love and oh god i have been such a fool...once again this was my fault because he felt that i was not giving him the love that he deserved... i see the pattern from looking at these messages...how he tunes a girl, then swoops in for the kill... i am now trying to really break it off with him...he says that he has changed, that he is sorry...i think he is sorry that he got caught...not for the actions... the problem is...i love him... can somebody please knock some sense into me...
jthorne Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 There's a reason why you've tried ending it with him so many times. He's a liar. Did you love him all the other times you tried ending it, or just now when you found out that the cheater cheated on you? Are you still married? Perhaps your energies would be better focused on you and why you chose to cheat, than on a serial cheater and liar. Not trying to be hateful, just trying to provide perspective. I like your user name, btw.
Lizzie60 Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 OMG.. I feel sooo sorry for women like you.... you know what is wrong.. you know that you will ALWAYS be heartbroken with a jerk like him... but yet... you still find excuses for his 'abuse' towards you... and worst... you still love you. I have no real advices.. because I know you are smart enough to see what is really going on here.. but your emotions get in the way... you just need to go NC and stick with it... This guy is a chronic liar.. nothing and NO ONE will ever change him.. he's verrrry damaged... life is too short.. you don't need to waste your time and energy on a selfish jerk.. move on... Concentrate on yourself.. chase all the thoughts about him... re-read this post over and over again.. it might help... Good luck.. (do you have children?)
Author quackquackhen Posted April 18, 2010 Author Posted April 18, 2010 thank you jthorne... yes i have loved him all the other times that i have tried to end it...it is like a mouse on a wheel...going nowhere fast... i know why i entered into the affair in the first place...i was going through some heavy emotional dealings with my family...(my father and brother) i was living on the other side of the country due to a relocation for my husband's work and i was feeling empty and unfulfilled...and so i stepped outside of my marriage to fill a void that my husband was unable to deal with... my intention was to have a quick fling...not to become so emotionally involved...this is my karma for cheating on my husband... i know the advice that i will get on here is the right advice...i know this because it is what i know deep inside of me...maybe i am just trying to find the strength to make the final break... thank you for your reply...xxx
Author quackquackhen Posted April 18, 2010 Author Posted April 18, 2010 thank you lizzie... i have always known that he has been a liar...it is only in the last few days that i have been doing some research about it...he is more than just a liar, he is a compulsive and pathalogical liar...and you guessed it...so is my father!!! i have tried the nc way before...he would contact me like crazy and i would ignore all communications from him...then i would give in... i am now trying to tell him that it is over and he is now telling me that i am the reason that he left his wife and daughter...yet when i asked him about this previously, he said he had had enough of her and the fighting and the accusations...which whilst were well founded, they were accusing him of being with the best friend that he was supposedly out of contact with... so now i am feeling guilty that his marriage has ended, but i am also dubious about the real reason that it ended...i mean i have his side of the story from back in january, now i have the latest version that it was for me...then i guess there is the real version... yes i have two children... xxx
jthorne Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Sweetie, he's a pathological liar. He will obviously say whatever he needs to say to get his way. Him leaving his W is ON HIM. NOT YOU. He is responsible for his own actions, not you. Please try to see this guy for what he is instead of loving what you think he could be. Block his calls, block his email address. No contact is relatively easy, but you have to want to do it. Are you working on your marriage now?
Passion4Life Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 (edited) thank you lizzie... i have always known that he has been a liar...it is only in the last few days that i have been doing some research about it...he is more than just a liar, he is a compulsive and pathalogical liar...and you guessed it...so is my father!!! i have tried the nc way before...he would contact me like crazy and i would ignore all communications from him...then i would give in... i am now trying to tell him that it is over and he is now telling me that i am the reason that he left his wife and daughter...yet when i asked him about this previously, he said he had had enough of her and the fighting and the accusations...which whilst were well founded, they were accusing him of being with the best friend that he was supposedly out of contact with... so now i am feeling guilty that his marriage has ended, but i am also dubious about the real reason that it ended...i mean i have his side of the story from back in january, now i have the latest version that it was for me...then i guess there is the real version... yes i have two children... xxx should you be surprised when you find out that a cheater is cheating ? btw if he wasn't cheating were you planning to be together ? Edited April 18, 2010 by Passion4Life
lovingagain Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 OMG that reminds me of a previous relationship I had with a guy who was a compulsive liar. He ended up having to have treatment. Sometimes they do not know they are doing it they can't stop. The let downs were unbelievable. So much pain and disappointment, He was doing it to me and another girl. Said he wanted to marry me. But when you really find out what they are deep down, it is like a bereavement, You actually are in love with someone who does not exist, does that make sense? You are in love with the person they are pretending to be. Try to think of it like that. Still I have to say, he was never boring,
Got it Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Why not start focusing on you? You said that you had some voids that your husband couldn't fill. No one else can fill those but you. What are you missing in your life, in you, and how can you go about filling them? Going back to school, finding a hobby, finding your passion in life. Work on developing who you are, what is it that is unique about you, and enhancing them. I am sorry that you found out he was cheating but it looked like there were red flags from day one. For me, having someone omit their marital status is a definite red flag.
Author quackquackhen Posted April 19, 2010 Author Posted April 19, 2010 good morning everyone...thank you for your replies... ok i told him last night that it was over and i am going to do the nc thing...well i didn't tell him i was going to do the nc thing, i told myself that... his reply to this was to ask me why i will not answer his questions and would i be more prepared to answer them if he were to phone my husband... i do not know if it is an empty threat, but it is one that i have always half expected...and should it come to fruition, then i will deal with the fallout at that time... this is going to sound really crazy...but i actually have a really fantastic husband...he is my best friend...i guess it is just a marriage without passion and the instability of the affair was adding some kind of oomph to me...but it has gone from instability to a bloody avalanche!!! i know he is a pathalogical liar...as i mentioned before, so is my father...so i do not know what the freudian theory would be on this...but i am sure there would be one... passion4life...you are absolutely correct...of course i should not be shocked that the cheater cheats...i actually spoke to my therapist about this and i said that a part of me was shattered...that would be the ego...but that my head actually could see this as a gift...because i have been trying to extricate myself from this for quite some time...but i keep weakening...so i really should take this chance to get out... lovingagain...what is with that???...i mean the lies are about everything...i understand white lies, i get the lies like no of course i'm not sleeping with my wife...but silly lies about things that don't have anything to do with anything...i think that part of me got caught up in this whole thing of trying to get the truth out of him...but i don't know if it was because i was trying to let him know that he wasn't fooling me...or because i was pissed that he thought i was dumb enough to fall for all of his lies...just don't know... got it...you're spot on about the red flags...and as i said earlier...it was meant to be a fling...but who am i kidding hey???...of course it was going to become emotional...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr once again thank you so much for your replies...i know what i need to do...you all know that i know it...i just need to be strong...so i'll pop in here for you to kick my head in when i think about doing something silly...ok??? also...you are all in this section...have you or are you ow's or bs's or a mixture of both??? xxx
Author quackquackhen Posted April 19, 2010 Author Posted April 19, 2010 cancel that last question...clearly my head is so far up my own backside...i have not taken enough time to become familiar with the various people in here...but now that i am reading heather's nc posts and a few others...i am recognising names...sorry...i will get it together somehow!!!...xxx
JustJoe Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 QQH, ytou are worrying about HIM lying? With all due respect , what about You? Is your H aware of him?. You really have no reason to be angry with the OM, if you are doing the same thing to your H. JMO
PlanetJanet Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 QQH- I agree with everyone here who has told you to get away from this person. You will never be able to believe a word that comes out of his mouth. And he is a proven serial cheater and liar. As for him threatening to tell your H- You sound worried about that. My suspicion is that you still care for your H and probably wish things had worked out with him. Like you I have an (almost -ex) H who is a cool person and is my best friend, our marriage lacked in emotional connection and warmth and passion. But he is rock steady and I've always felt like I can tell him anything. I just told him about the A I was having with a MM. He was shocked at first, and a little bummed because he still cares for me. But he also gave me some advice and his thoughts about how to cut off contact with my MM. If you have this kind of closeness with your H, tell him about the OM. that the OM is chasing you and threatening you, and you don't want to give the OM any power. Then if OM calls your H, H can just dismiss him.
White Flower Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 thank you lizzie... i have always known that he has been a liar...it is only in the last few days that i have been doing some research about it...he is more than just a liar, he is a compulsive and pathalogical liar...and you guessed it...so is my father!!! i have tried the nc way before...he would contact me like crazy and i would ignore all communications from him...then i would give in... i am now trying to tell him that it is over and he is now telling me that i am the reason that he left his wife and daughter...yet when i asked him about this previously, he said he had had enough of her and the fighting and the accusations...which whilst were well founded, they were accusing him of being with the best friend that he was supposedly out of contact with... so now i am feeling guilty that his marriage has ended, but i am also dubious about the real reason that it ended...i mean i have his side of the story from back in january, now i have the latest version that it was for me...then i guess there is the real version... yes i have two children... xxx His W probably decided she couldn't take anymore of his lies either, and has probably known about his lying habit a whole lot longer than you have. Don't feel guilty over the breakup of his M, that is all on him.
White Flower Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 QQH, ytou are worrying about HIM lying? With all due respect , what about You? Is your H aware of him?. You really have no reason to be angry with the OM, if you are doing the same thing to your H. JMO Well yes and no. She didn't lie to MM and so she should not expect him to lie to her. She signed up for the sex on the side game, not the sex and the lies. I would suggest the OP stand back from both Rs and look for clarity before making any decisions. What about IC?
Author quackquackhen Posted April 19, 2010 Author Posted April 19, 2010 just joe...i hear the question that you are asking me...i am not trying to remove any blame from myself with regard to my marriage and the fact that i have clearly been cheating on my husband...my point about the lies and the om having others on the side is that i believed that whilst he and i were both married, we were exclusive to one another...spouses notwithstanding...i don't know if you understand what i mean because i totally get that i am doing the wrong thing by my husband...i guess this is more about the situation between the om and myself...and no my husband is not aware... planetjanet...yes i am worried about him telling my husband...not because of the ramifications for me...but i know how hurt he would be and he does not deserve this pain... i know this sounds so contradictory...given that i had the choice to not enter into an affair...i do not know how to explain the fact that i love my husband very deeply and i would not wish to hurt him...but i still entered and continued the affair... i have thought about telling my husband about it...but then i have realised that this is a selfish act on my part, because i would really be doing it to either take the power from the om...because if my husband already knew then there would be nothing gained from the om telling him...and the other reason would be that it would pretty much enforce nc...but this is really just selfish reasoning...at least to my mind... whiteflower...i have wondered the same...if the wife actually kicked him out as opposed to him just leaving...my take on him is that he is very needy...even more so than i am...didn't think that was possible!!!...i actually do not think he would have the guts to walk out on his marriage without another full-time relationship to enter into...but given that he tells so many lies...i will never know... i am not very impressed with his threats to contact my husband...nor with the email last night telling me that he left his daughter and wife for me and would give up any chance of custody or access just to be with me...i know these are just words he is trying to portray as the ever loving partner...but it didn't really ring my bells on so many levels... i am so new to this forum thingy...what is ic and what is op???...sorry for my ignorance...and once again, thank you for your replies...xxx
JustJoe Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 QQH, You get what you give. You haven't been honest about anything , so why would you expect honesty to you? You should tell your husband as soon as possible. Your reasoning that tellling him is selfish is in itself selfish. How about showing him a little respect? I feel that in order for you to have any closure at all, all of this mess needs to be out in the open. That way all parties can make informed decisions. Right now, you are keeping your husband in ignorance, for your own selfish reasons. You have created quite a mess, by being dishonest and the only way out is by doing the opposite and clearing the air. JMO.
JustJoe Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 BTW, I'm the former OM in an affair, and no better than you are, and I learned my lesson about honesty the hard way, and I'm afraid that you will too.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 Either way your husband is gonna find out, who do you think he would want to hear the truth from his wife who can come clean on everything and ask for his forgiveness or the raging mad FOM, who would tell him every dirty little detail and everu little secret about how he screwed you for a very long time. ...I mean the choice is yours, it's time to put your big girl panties on and live with what you done. It was only inevitable. Did you think something like this wouldnt happen, you think your gonna get away scott free?
Author quackquackhen Posted April 19, 2010 Author Posted April 19, 2010 jj i just wonder how telling my h will help anything...it will just hurt him...i am going to speak to my therapist about this strategy...i do not disagree with you about the honesty or rather, the dishonesty, with regard to my m, i meant honesty within the confines of the a... when you were the om, were you just in that one relationship and how long were you the om for???...and where are you at in life now, relationship-wise???...xxx
Author quackquackhen Posted April 19, 2010 Author Posted April 19, 2010 ****e barracuda...if i'd left my damned panties on i wouldn't be in this situation!!!...xxx
JustJoe Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 We were a couple for several years, and I was the one who forced D-Day by telling her husband (although he should have known, as we weren't very secret about it). I'm out of the affair, and am doing much better. She still wants me back , but I refused.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 Now's not the time for jokes. You had free will and you made a choice to have this affair. now it's time for you to own it. You claim this will only hurt your husband but yet you continued to sleep and talk to someone else. What gave you the right to unilaterally make decisions about your marriage. What if the OM gave you aids??? Seriously it's not your drawers it's you, period. You need help. time to come clean. take the L. and brace for the imminent impact.
Author quackquackhen Posted April 19, 2010 Author Posted April 19, 2010 no it is not about getting away scot-free...how do i explain this???...ok i am prepared to take whatever ramifications come my way...do the crime, do the time...that is not my issue... it is about why do i want to tell h and cause him pain if he does not need to suffer???...i can see how one can read this to be self-serving on my part...but i will go away and think about this and look at all of the motivations behind everything... thank you for your replies...xxx
Author quackquackhen Posted April 19, 2010 Author Posted April 19, 2010 sorry i had started to reply before your last reply came through...yes i did have free will and yes it was me that chose to enter into an affair... what gave me a right to enter into the affair...and make a choice about our marriage???...i do not have an answer to that...anything that i say on that point is purely justification for having done something that i should not have...i do understand this... your last line...take the L...what is L...i am still working out the initials at the moment...xxx
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