when during an affair did you reveal your feelings

[her_halo_slipped]

Hi. I was just thinking about my A and it's recent ending. The A was a good friendship that melded into an EA over 2 yrs followed by a PA for about 8 mths.We have just had three weeks without contact and just recently this week have been talking on the phone but keeping it very friendly and "above board". Friendly chit chat I guess.

 

We have never really expressed our feelings verbally and I am wondering if and when during the A, others on LS actually did come to express their feelings?

 

I value him as a friend but would like to tell him what he did mean to me and how ending the A has affected those feelings. I would also like him to tell me what I meant to him and what I still mean. (not a profession of love but more along lines of valued friend).

 

Have any of you done just that after an affair had ended and how did it go?

 

Would you recommend it or are those feelings better left unsaid?

[Just a stone's throw]

HHS, must be something in the air. I sent that statement/question to him yesterday and am awaiting a reply (which I may likely not receive and if I do it won't be a direct answer). About a week before he broke it off for good, I had introduced a close friend of mine to him by email. She had started to work where he does and I wanted him to watch over her since I was no longer there. She could tell I talked about him a lot. He asked me if I thought she suspected anything about "us". I said is there an "us"? He replied I don't know, maybe so, probably. That should have been my indication that it would be followed by his major "freak out" to end it because each time he thought about there being an "us", that's what happened.

 

Though I have no intention of trying to resurrect anything with him now, I am moving on but because I never had the closure I needed, I wanted him to know just how confusing he made the whole situation by sending totally mixed messages and then freaking out with guilt. And I'm just supposed to act like nothing happened. Sorry, not sure what planet he's from... oh yeah it's something like mars and we're from venus?? ha ha!!:laugh:

[jthorne]

My xMM knew I was in love with him well before the A started.

 

I wouldn't ask him about his feelings. I don't think you'll get a straight answer anyway. And if you do get a straight answer, it may open old wounds or doors that need to remain shut.

[LostMe]

I agree with JT about not necessarily getting a straight answer anyway. My xMM used to only say what thought was the 'right' thing to say as i don't think he wanted to admit his feelings even to himself. Only if we were fighting and he thought he'd lose me would he open up properly and tell me how he felt. He always said i knew him better than he knew himself anyway.

 

We're 4/5 months out of it and there's no way he'd even give me an 'i miss you' now (i have told him a thousand times). He acts like nothing ever happened and I often feel like maybe i've imagined the whole thing! Then i'll find old messages from him and i read them so differently now this wretched fog is clearing. I was so obsessed with trying to get him to come and see me as proof that i meant something, i didn't acknowledge all the intimate moments, sexual tension and emotional involvement that were building up. I would convince myself he was just using me for attention when he was bored. Only now can i see that was not the case at all and in fact he had very deep feelings for me indeed (there's even a message that says this), even though it doesn't feel that way sometimes because we hardly talk anymore.

 

What i'm saying is we can't look to them for closure. If asking helps you to move on, do it but do it regardless of whatever answer you get.

 

I would love to know why men don't seek the kind of closure we women do - how can they just carry on with their lives seemingly happy as larry?! gits

[quackquackhen]

he told me within the first week...i should have seen the warning signs then...i guess i told him about a month after he told me...xxx

[Heather1]

Kiss of death....

Poker face, here on out. I wouldn't reveal any more feelings.

[Got it]

God I think we said it within the first month! It was quite pitiful really but very sweet. I don't think we were truly in love until about 6 months. But each month it gets deeper and stronger. I think now at 2 years I can say I love him at a level I didn't know a year ago.

[jj33]

I would love to know why men don't seek the kind of closure we women do - how can they just carry on with their lives seemingly happy as larry?! gits

 

In the case of an A, I think the difference is the MM often arent looking for hte same type of closure.

 

They KNOW that we love them. They also know that if they divorced, in many cases we would come back. They arent the ones who need closure. We are looking for them to say no no its really over I am not going to stop by your office, email you, send you flowers etc etc. Its really over for good no matter what happens I wont change my mind. Im not leaving my wife ever (or whatever the facts may be).

 

Its better for alot of them not to have "closure" because then (1) maybe the OW will agree to continue the A in the future if the MM wants to; or (2) maybe she will have a relationship with him in the future if he does leave his marriage.

 

But by not having "closure" he does not commit himself in any way.

 

This is not the same as a break up with a single guy - Im not that into you anymore its not you its me bye bye... the variables are a lot more complicated...

[MizzBlue72]

Well, I told the MM about 5 months in. Wrote him an email, and straight out asked him if he loved me. He didn't admit his feelings for me. He told me to basically to find someone else.

Four months later, he told me he loved me. It was hard - because I still loved him too. I still love him, and he loves me. It's now been 18 months and his D is almost final.

 

I don't know what to tell you. You have to follow your heart. If you can go on not knowing, then do it. If you can't, it may help you find closure. Just be prepared if you hear something that you don't want to hear.

 

Good luck.

[her_halo_slipped]

That should have been my indication that it would be followed by his major "freak out" to end it because each time he thought about there being an "us", that's what happened.

 

Though I have no intention of trying to resurrect anything with him now, I am moving on but because I never had the closure I needed, I wanted him to know just how confusing he made the whole situation by sending totally mixed messages and then freaking out with guilt. And I'm just supposed to act like nothing happened. Sorry, not sure what planet he's from... oh yeah it's something like mars and we're from venus?? ha ha!!:laugh:

How true your story rings with me. Everytime mine thought I was touching on talking about us, the A, or anything else remotely intimate he would shut down completely and ignore me for a while. ( annoying to say the least!) I too experienced the confusing mixed messages scenario, never knowing quite where I / we / the R stood at any given time. One minute he was dying to see me and then he was wracked with the guilt the next. I had the "I feel so guilty when I see you" (even just for coffee) line and yet he asks to kiss me as we leave. Duh! And I too am supposed to act like nothing happened. If I even dared to comment I would get the silent treatment. That ended it for me really 5 weeks ago until I recently broke NC (in another post). However reading some replies here makes me understand I really don't want to go back to the A and all the hurt, upset, confusion and lack of respect that comes with it. So nice to know I am not alone. so for me...today is day 1 NC. This time I am hopeful I can do it!

Edited April 19, 2010 by her_halo_slipped

[Fallen Angel]

My Sweetheart and I were simply friends for about 10 years, before something more developed. I would say we were about six months into a full blown emotional affair before he said those three little words. I was so shocked all I could think of to say in response at the time was "Thank You."

 

At the time, I was convinced we were still just "friends" but looking back I see that we were definately in the midst of a full blown emotional affair. Now, about three years into things, between the EA and the PA, we both speak freely about our feelings for each other.

 

But I think that in your situation, with the affair relationship over it is probably best to let sleeping does lie, unless you intend to resume the relationship. I do not think it will help either of you to heal more quickly to actually hear those words from the other. It will only prolong the heartache as you ponder the "what could have been's". If you are truly done with this relationship, close the door and keep those thoughts to yourself, because if you throw open the door, you are inviting him right back in.

[Joobi]

Looking back with a clearer mind, I think xMM and I were in an EA for a couple of months before it became a PA. He told me he loved me after the first time we slept together. I was quite shocked by this and I think I said "No you don't"! I did love him or I wouldn't have slept with him, but I was not ready to say something like that to him so early on at all. He persisted in tellin gme how much he loved me and at I told him too a couple of weeks later- I guess because I felt secure by that point or something.

 

I wanted to add that FA is dead right imo.

About 8 months after the end just bfore Christmas 2009, having gone though the 'cold shoulder' (we worked together) and found it so hard, he was leaving the country to go and take up a new job in his native country (W is also from there I should add and had gone back a couple of months previously). He suddenly became friendly towards me again and it was like it was before the whole mess had started. We were chatting and emailing etc. I disagreed with him about something and went to his office to argue about it. We ended up in a conversation about our feelings. It led to kissing and hugging and touching. I told him I missed him. He told me he loved me.

This did so much damage to me after all the recovery I had been though (including IC). It gave me hope where I should have seen none existed. It was really awful. I really hope that my sharing this experience of mine somehow helps someone else and spares them this pain.

 

What happened after professing his love? He still left. He took the opportunity to get me to sell some of his stuff on ebay (I was always doing stuff for that guy, but that is a whole other story). He started cold shoulder-ing me again when he had to come back to the UK to finish some work up (I did not initiate contact, but that wall was back up and it was uncomfortable). Horrible.

[lilagirl]

I said it first... after about 6 months. He said it immediately back. We had both felt it, but both were really hoping for a little fun and distraction... not Love... Our primary method of communication is over smartphones, so it was all done thru chat on the phone... awhhh... makes me smile!