Author lovingagain Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 You keep saying that you are not going to ask him to leave. Does that mean that it doesn't matter to you if he stays married? I know this will be a highly unpopular opinion, but if so, why not just continue the affair without the angst? You'll see each other, you can have sex and intimacy, you can be independent, and he won't have to extricate himself from his in-laws. His wife will continue to turn a blind eye, and everyone wins. I suspect, however, that the picture I just painted is not what you want. Am I wrong? Well that is what I want but to quote my MM he said he could not go on the way we are because 'it is killing him'. Although I am wondering now if something is going off at home that he is not telling me about as in what FFM suggested about W picking up on stuff.
Author lovingagain Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 Whilst writing FFM please tell me what you picked up on. I know he is moody and withdrawn at home. Did you discover your Hs affair BEFORE HE TOLD YOU? I don't mind if this goes slightly off topic as it is my thread. And if not, why did he finally tell you if you did not know? Sorry could not edit this just five minutes after posting so for clarity I sent this question to FFM
Author lovingagain Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 Fooled and Bent - I know that you two always agree but I disagree with both of you on most of your posts.
Author lovingagain Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 I agree, I tried this with My Sweetheart several times. And it has always eventually come back around to being physical as well. We make great friends, but we make much better friends and lovers. We spent a rather long period of "platonic" behaviour. Not physically making love, but we made emotional love regularly. An emotional affair is still an affair. You can't go back; you must either move ahead, or end it altogether. Well recently we have been communicating every day - as he has got his mobile now after 18 months !!! So our relationship has changed a great deal in that respect. I would be interested FA to know how you coped with it just being platonic - can you give me some tips of that? You said it was a long period, how long? I think it is something that we have to try and go through just like you have done? We have gone through several stages/major hurdles in this A. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
herenow Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 (edited) And who said anything was someone else's fault? You did In your very first post you stated that his wife and family are very demanding and controlling. Reading that gives the impression (IMO) that he (or you) are using his BW's behavior as a reason he can't leave. Like many MM he also blames it on his kids. How do you think his kids would feel if they knew their father gave up his true love because of them? Then he blames his actions on getting married too young. Where does he take responsibility for his actions? Edited April 20, 2010 by herenow
MichelleZB Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Well that is what I want but to quote my MM he said he could not go on the way we are because 'it is killing him'. Although I am wondering now if something is going off at home that he is not telling me about as in what FFM suggested about W picking up on stuff. Ah, so basically, you're the perfect "other woman" who doesn't mind continuing the affair the way it's been going indefinitely... it's him who wants to change things. I guess it's about him either breaking it off with you, NC-style, or finding the courage/income/lawyers to divorce his wife. Both of those options suck for him, a lot. I wish him luck with that.
Snowflower Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 How so?? I am really interested in how it would be better to tell than be discovered. Both have the same amount of pain. I don't see how telling is better to be honest, but enlighten me. Most BSs on this forum keep harping on about telling. I don't see it. So is he really going to tell his W that he does not love her. I doubt it. Is he likely to tell her that he loves me - NO. He won't want to cause that pain. So how would it be better for me, not that I am interested in how to make it better for me by the way. Please don't take this question as criticism in any way, but why do you care if he tells his W? I honestly don't think he will...he is too busy avoiding any type of conflict. But his relationship with his wife is between them. So, if he decides to tell her, why are you concerned? Maybe if he tells her, he will leave her (or she will give him the boot) and then your relationship with him can be out in the open. He will be free to pursue a relationship with you. How can the BW's knowledge of the affair be a bad thing?
herenow Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 (edited) How so?? I am really interested in how it would be better to tell than be discovered. Both have the same amount of pain. I don't see how telling is better to be honest, but enlighten me. Most BSs on this forum keep harping on about telling. I don't see it. So is he really going to tell his W that he does not love her. I doubt it. Is he likely to tell her that he loves me - NO. He won't want to cause that pain. So how would it be better for me, not that I am interested in how to make it better for me by the way. Whilst writing FFM please tell me what you picked up on. I know he is moody and withdrawn at home. Did you discover your Hs affair? I don't mind if this goes slightly off topic as it is my thread. If he really doesn't love his wife, a "real man" would realize it hurts her more to lie to her. If he was a "real man" he would have the compassion to let his wife find real love of her own. A "real man" doesn't stay married to a woman he doesn't love. On the other hand, if what you have is "real love", then why wouldn't he tell her he loves you? If it's "real love" then why wouldn't he do whatever it takes to be with you? Even kids want to see their parents happy. If he is so concerned about the pain he could cause his wife, why is he having an affair with you? You paint the picture of a man who is so consumed by guilt, but continues to do the very thing that he says makes him guilty. However, whatever he is saying and doing seems to work for him. He still has his wife and he stills has you. Are you not seeing what is wrong with the picture? Edited April 20, 2010 by herenow
Fight4Me Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Whilst writing FFM please tell me what you picked up on. I know he is moody and withdrawn at home. Did you discover your Hs affair BEFORE HE TOLD YOU? I don't mind if this goes slightly off topic as it is my thread. And if not, why did he finally tell you if you did not know? Sorry could not edit this just five minutes after posting so for clarity I sent this question to FFM It was a very short A, relatively speaking (less than 2 months), but I definitely noticed changes in him. Some that I can quantify and describe (anger, distance, etc.), but a lot was just something only a wife notices. I consider myself one of the luckier ones whose husband confessed before I found out. I know I would have discovered it much sooner had I not been so dreadfully ill at the time from a chronic illness. I attributed his behaviors, at the time, as stress and worry given my situation. If it had gone on longer, and I had found out about it, given all the years I had sacrificed for that man (you can't know until you've walked in a BW's shoes), he would have ended up the most miserable, sorry shell of what used to be a man of integrity. He knows that real men own up to their actions and decisions, and they follow through. Real men don't string anyone along, BW's or OW, and he is deeply remorseful for the pain he caused both of us. If he had really wanted a divorce, I would have given it to him. It would have been sad, but I still have my looks and I'm not too bad inside either. I knew I'd find love again. I wouldn't have wanted to keep him if his love for her had been real. One week, at the most, and he had his head in his hands lamenting, "what the hell was I thinking???"
bittersweet memories Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Well that is what I want but to quote my MM he said he could not go on the way we are because 'it is killing him'. Although I am wondering now if something is going off at home that he is not telling me about as in what FFM suggested about W picking up on stuff. What makes you think something is going off at home? Maybe he is having second thoughts about how he feels about you.
pureinheart Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Whilst writing FFM please tell me what you picked up on. I know he is moody and withdrawn at home. Did you discover your Hs affair BEFORE HE TOLD YOU? I don't mind if this goes slightly off topic as it is my thread. And if not, why did he finally tell you if you did not know? Sorry could not edit this just five minutes after posting so for clarity I sent this question to FFM Hey LA ...((((((hugs)))))), all of this is so hard...anyway, I know this is directed at FFM, I just want to throw this in there. BTW, you handle yourself very well . Certainly there are some BS's that are "completely" in the dark concerning an A, although I think ther majority know something isn't right, they may not be quite able to put their finger on it, but deep down they know the M isn't working. I think both S's know this, but are afraid to confront/act. Every M is different, many factors come into play. I was all sides of this fence, BW, WS, and OW. As a BW I dealt with my H by having a revenge A, which caused me to be the WS.....hummmm. Next BW sitch, I did the same as above...BUT we grow and learn, right ...lol...much sarcasm (for me, not for anyone else)...still in a comfort zone in the BW sitch I pick two more different men to become a BW two more times... Based on this experience, I knew the M was bad from the gate, I thought I could miraculously change them into what I thought they should be...no wonder they wondered...maybe it wasn't them or my being a "cheater attractor"...maybe it was my former controlling nature. My spelling sucks BTW, I haven't had the tools in my brain lately to enable the spell check on this board, but will. Anyway, it takes a lot of courage to get on this board and tell your story...I can tell you've read prior entries, so you know exactly what you will face when posting...your life is about to get better...I know it!
torranceshipman Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 loving - He is a big boy. He needs to put on his big boy panties and deal with his very adult issues. You can not be his knight in shining armor. He needs to fix the problems in his life without you as a crutch. I absolutely understand you pain. Please know, you make staying that much easier by remaining there. I walked from my MM when I realized that. He needed to decide what was best in his life but having me as his cake was no longer going to be an option. As cliched as it is, I firmly believe (and said this to my MM) if I love you I have to let you go. Just like any parent knows about their child, you have to let them fall down every now and then to be able to get back up and move forward. He has to deal with his wife, his life, and his unhappiness. You can suggest therapy, journaling, etc but he has to own it. I completely agree with this. He needs to sort his life out - it isn't your responsibility to shoulder the burden of all of his baggage and suffer on his behalf. Walk away, let him sort his life out - which he should do, as a responsible adult - and then if he does, let him come back to you. If he doesn't, you need to let him go for your own state of mind and well being - he'll only drag you down if things go on this way.
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