mendsley Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 So today I talked to the ex about my son coming and living with me. After she explained how that was not going to happen it turned into a conversation about me and her, my doing. I have been trying NC with her the last couple of weeks, like not saying one word when I pickup/dropoff our son and keeping the talk that we have to have really super short and I mean short. She took that as me being very crappy to her and non civil, oh well. What made me get serious about NC is a few weeks ago a freind of hers told me that the ex had been sleeping around a lot and one of the guys was fresh out of jail. I was very hurt and angry hearing that, but me hearing that was one of the best things to happen since her leaving me.....it opened my eyes. Her friend also told me she was dating a 22 year old Marine, she is 37 years old and her oldest son is going to be 19 this year. Well I decided I needed to talk to her about all this and of course she denied the sleeping around and ever dating some guy fresh out of jail. Then she turned it around on me and said what kind of parent am I to not call her and confront her on dating someone out of jail and having someone like that around our son. Then I talked to her about this 22 year old guy and I was concerned with how that will not last for her because he may want kids (she cant have kids any more) and how I didn't want her to get hurt over this guy. Then I told her that if she ever needed anything I would be there for her ......... I am an idiot! I really felt like I didn't stick up for myself and let her control the whole conversation, then I got all emotional with her. I feel so disgusted with myself, she made it sound like I was the one who was a crappy parent and needed to get my act right. She has made some really crappy decisions being a mother and wife that I could and should of brought up! I realize I allowed that whole conversation to be controlled by her, I just wanted to keep things cool and not make it into a yelling match. Don't know if that was the right thing to do, but it happened that way so I have to deal with it.
GrayClouds Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 So today I talked to the ex about my son coming and living with me. After she explained how that was not going to happen it turned into a conversation about me and her, my doing. I have been trying NC with her the last couple of weeks, like not saying one word when I pickup/dropoff our son and keeping the talk that we have to have really super short and I mean short. She took that as me being very crappy to her and non civil, oh well. What made me get serious about NC is a few weeks ago a freind of hers told me that the ex had been sleeping around a lot and one of the guys was fresh out of jail. I was very hurt and angry hearing that, but me hearing that was one of the best things to happen since her leaving me.....it opened my eyes. Her friend also told me she was dating a 22 year old Marine, she is 37 years old and her oldest son is going to be 19 this year. Well I decided I needed to talk to her about all this and of course she denied the sleeping around and ever dating some guy fresh out of jail. Then she turned it around on me and said what kind of parent am I to not call her and confront her on dating someone out of jail and having someone like that around our son. Then I talked to her about this 22 year old guy and I was concerned with how that will not last for her because he may want kids (she cant have kids any more) and how I didn't want her to get hurt over this guy. Then I told her that if she ever needed anything I would be there for her ......... I am an idiot! I really felt like I didn't stick up for myself and let her control the whole conversation, then I got all emotional with her. I feel so disgusted with myself, she made it sound like I was the one who was a crappy parent and needed to get my act right. She has made some really crappy decisions being a mother and wife that I could and should of brought up! I realize I allowed that whole conversation to be controlled by her, I just wanted to keep things cool and not make it into a yelling match. Don't know if that was the right thing to do, but it happened that way so I have to deal with it. In a situation like this she will have control, you wanted something from her, be it as little as acknowledgment of her behavior to as big as having her admitting she is wrong. As long as you are entering into a conversation wanting something from the other, they have control no matter what, they can decide to give you what you want or not. So you learn a lesson, at this point talking does not lead to any resolution but only frustrations. As hard as it is you have to let go, let her make her mistakes (and she doe sound out of control) and keep the focus on the only thing that matter; you and your son. And if you think he is going to be hurt get a lawyer to do your talking, and do so with love for your son not revenge towards your ex. Good luck sorry for you situation and your loss.
Author mendsley Posted April 18, 2010 Author Posted April 18, 2010 I never really thought of it like that, she does have the control. Well we learn from our mistakes and I will never ever talk to her as a concerned friend again. The only thing she is to me is the mother of my son and all conversations need to revolve around that and nothing more. I am going to keep being simple and easy. Why did god have to give us the ability to love?
2sunny Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 next time keep it simple and straightforward. only state in exact terms what you expect. for instance this conversation could have looked like this: I am going to get paperwork lined up to have (son's name) come live with me. it is a statement of your actions and intentions. it leaves all emotions out of it. if she tries to argue - you can tell her you never asked her opinion, only stated what your intentions will be. no need to argue. no need to get emotional. no need to engage. when it is a statement you can remind her that it isn't an argument or open for discussion.
Author mendsley Posted April 19, 2010 Author Posted April 19, 2010 2sunny, I like that. It keeps all my emotions out of the equation. She is not going to like this, but I didn't like it when she left me for another man and I was stuck dealing with it. Now it is her turn! Thanks for the input
2sunny Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 always keep your child's best interest in mind and you will know what the right thing is. keep emotions out of it, that way there is no argument. show her evidence of why your decision is best for the child.
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