let me know what you think about my break-up

[EthanH]

My break-up has been worse than I could ever expect. I'm sitting here, I cannot cry, I have had the last 2 months of absolute hell, my emotions are absolutely shredded. And yet I still want to be with her. Please anyone give me some advice/tell me of how you dealt with a similar situation.

 

She split with me. She is 19, I'm 26. Her reasons, i don't think she knew. She has never been sure that she is ready for a relationship. I don't think there are any real reasons for it, but it is just something in the back of her mind. I think it is understandable. She is a lot younger than I am, she knows I'm more experienced. And when I say stuff, even if it is something which she has previously said, I seem a lot more sure about it in her eyes. She says I'm sure of my emotions, and that is not the case, it is just that when I say something, I don't worry about it.

 

So we split up we spent a week apart. Then we had a week of hooking up again when drunk. Then we had a week of angst and one night where we just shouted at each other. Then for two weeks we had no contact. Then we spoke on skype for about 2 hours, she told me she missed me but that she still didn't want to be in a relationship with me. She also told me she loved me. Then we had a week of no contact. Then we get to the past week, we bumped into each other, it was awkward because we both knew we wanted to hug each other, but mutual friends were there, so it felt awkward. I spoke to her later that night on facebook chat. She was so confused. She also spoke to one of her friends (a friend she doesn't think i even speak to) and told her that she did love me, but was scared to admit it to herself or me, and that she thought we could get back together and make it work, but just needed to think about it all. Why would she say that to her friend, someoen she thought I would never hear from, if she didn't mean it? By the time this conversation had finished at around 1am, I went round to her flat. We hugged for about an hour...we were so close. Then I tried to kiss her and she resisted at first but eventually kissed me back, and then went to lock her door as if to suggest she wanted me to stay the night.

 

So we are in her room, undressed, and she went to the bathroom, and then came back and said that she 'couldn't do this'. She told me that she had slept with a guy a couple of days after we had the skype conversation. She claimed that it was because she felt unattractive and that I wouldn't understand it, but wanted to feel attractive. Also she felt that the skype conversation showed that I was doing well... I hadn't moved onto another girl, but in terms of my ambitions, work etc, I was moving things forward, and making progress. She also told me she got massively drunk the night after we had shouted at each other and kissed a guy, but doesn't remember it. She told me she doesn't like this guy, and without meaning to be harsh, knowing what he looks like, I believe her. She told me about the guy she slept with was the most difficult thing she has ever had to do, and in a weird way it proved to her she could do something which she doubted for the whole relationship: open up to me and tell me stuff she didn't think i wanted to hear. It proved to her she could do it.

 

I didn't hate her for what she did. She was single, so I had no right to be angry at her. But it did hurt. But I told her that after the initial hurt of her telling me, she wouldn't see me upset about it again. She told me she wanted me to look at her and then told me she loved me. She later told me on more than one occasion that she has never been more sure about anything. We slept together and for the next few days, she texted me as if we were a couple again. She told a friend that she didn't regret anything, but was still confused. On tuesday she was getting a taxi home and saw me on her way so jumped out and i walked her home, we then hung out for a few hours (the reason i mention that is that it was clear that she was doing what she wanted, I wouldn't have even known she was in the taxi if she hadn't got out early)...

 

We had lunch at hers on the wednesday. We then slept with each other. Then that night she had a birthday night out for a friend at her work (she is s student but has a part time job). Earlier in the week, she had mentioned it, and then told me I didn't need to worry about it, that she had done what she did with other guys when she thought it was over and that sunday night had changed that. She told me she didn't need to worry about it. However, that night, she kissed a work colleague.

 

The next day (thursday), she texted me as if nothing was wrong (I didn't hear until the thursday night about the guy)... she then texted me in the evening to say she was having drinks with some work friends (he was not one of them)... initially it was just one drink (she has so much work to do for uni)...but I think this changed when we texted each other. She told me she found it weird that she was ok about 'being single, but also being close' to me, and asked if that was just her. I said that after the last week, i was surprised that she would use the word single, but said if that was what she thought, fair enough. I asked her to meet me. She initially said she was too drunk to meet, but then agreed, and then backed out at the last minute. I had had enough, I walked to the bar she was in, and in-front of her friends, I told her I needed to speak to her. She was so angry that I had confronted her. She ranted that she loved me as a person but wasn't in love with me. (something she had told me before, but then told me later that she only told me that because she was trying to hide her feelings) She admits she 'shuts off', she might not be able to stop that, and in many ways it is an excuse, it is a way for her not to deal with things.

 

I met her on friday, and she was so apologetic about the last week. (even though she told a mutual friend on the monday that she didn't regret any of it) She told me she just had doubts. She couldn't explain what the doubts were. I found this difficult to understand, as how can you make a decision as big as this, based on something you cannot explain. The last week was because she had 'doubts about her doubts'. She told me she thought she had just moved on emotionally but then couldn't explain why she told me she loved me and admitted the week meant something.

 

I feel sick even thinking about it. I still want to be with her. The reason it didn't work was that our situations changed, I had to take a year out from uni and that changed the dynamic of the relationship. I was the strong one when we got together. Then it changed, and while she maintains she has always had respect for me, i think the way she acted showed that she had lost it for me. But the situation has now changed, I have sorted myself out, I have started chasing my ambitions again, rather than feeling sorry for myself. And she knows this, and has told me that it was that which made her remember why she fell for me, but that it is difficult to forget the doubts and negativity which built up during the end of our relationship.

 

I just want a chance to see what it is like again. To give it a shot with an open mind. If it doesn't work with the place we are both in at the moment (i think we are much healthier as people now) then i will accept it, but i need to be given that chance. Both of us freely admit that we will always wonder in the future if it could have worked, it is just that while I see that as a terrible thing, she almost wants to feel like that as she wants to learn lessons etc.

 

Please let me know what you think, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask...

[keith_m]

Hi- I think that you are in a tricky situation here- you have to ask yourself can you actually go with a bed hopper? I'm serious. Throwing in the drink aspect is yet another thing to ring alarm bells. Getting yourself to that physical intimate level during this may actually scar you. So be careful.

My advice is follow your brain here and not your heart. Easy said, I know. I'm having a pretty ***ked up time of it too and I'm trying to listen in on this forum for other peoples advice and opinions...sometimes I just follow my gut feeling.

[yume]

She told me she wanted me to look at her and then told me she loved me. She later told me on more than one occasion that she has never been more sure about anything

 

.....

 

However, that night, she kissed a work colleague

 

.....

 

She told me she just had doubts. She couldn't explain what the doubts were. I found this difficult to understand, as how can you make a decision as big as this, based on something you cannot explain

 

I see some big contradictions here.

 

I see that she loves you, and is not ready to let go of that, but she wants to see what else is out there.

 

She drinks. She goes out. She kisses guys. She sleeps with guys. She's stringing you on with the "love" crap. I cannot respect any person who uses love as an excuse to treat others like horse poo.

 

Please, please have the sense to go NC with this girl, despite how much it hurts. Her stringing you on long-term is going to hurt much worse than the immediate shut down.

 

She doesn't want you for a steady - she wants you as a backup in case all goes to hell. Please don't let yourself be the backup.

[Citizen Erased]

When someone splits with you and goes onto someone else straight away, there is no love there. There is nothing there I see to suggest you should even be bothering with her anymore. I'm sorry, when you love someone you don't break up with them, screw you around with all their little games and then sleep with another person.

[EthanH]

Hi keith,

 

thanks for your advice.

 

I don't think she is a 'bed hopper'... when I look at the times since we split when she has hooked up with guys this is what I see:

 

the first guy, she was extremely drunk, she doesn't even remember it, and had to get told by a person afterwards what she had done. I don't know where you are from, but I am from the UK, and as students, drinking is quite a normal part of the culture. It might not be healthy, but the way it is, is that most people get pretty drunk at least once a week. So the drink thing doesn't worry me. She has certainly got more drunk since she split with me, but I think that is understandable. Above anything, she is trying to run away from the situation, hence why she has put on a lot of weight also.

 

The second guy, the guy who she slept with. She told me that at that point she was trying to convince herself it was over. She said she did it because she felt unattractive, and that a friend had told her she would feel better if she hooked up with someone as it would help her move on. She said it made her feel attractive again. I don't buy all of this, I think it is partly an excuse, but i guess it is valid. I don't think she felt ashamed about it, she has had one night stands before me and hated them, as they were so cold the morning after, but this one wasn't, she liked the guy and he was warm etc...

 

The last guy, I don't understand. It is the fact that I slept with her that day. It is the fact that she told me she didn't like him looks-wise at all... and it was the fact that she told me it only happened because someone told her that he liked her. But it was just a kiss.

 

I think i have become less naive about relationships. I used to think, if ever you kissed anyone, it was a massive thing. Yet the fact is, I got really drunk a matter of days after she split with me, I was so drunk, probably the most drunk i have ever been, and kissed a girl...and i know I was still probably more in love with my ex than I have ever been, it was the last thing I wanted to happen... but I did it because I was drunk and very emotional (I didn't go near anyone else in the whole time we were dating and there were plenty of times when I was drunk)... and I realise how little it meant to me.

 

So no, I don't think anything less of her for doing what she has done. Because essentially, i did something similar, and maybe it was silly, it certainly didn't make me feel better, but I don't think there was anything wrong with it.

[EthanH]

Yume,

 

I totally agree there are contradictions. But then I agree she is confused. I don't think she is doing it to hurt me. She is doing it because she is unsure.

 

But, in addition to what I said in my reply to Keith, I don't think the times she has hooked up with guys show she doesn't love me/she wants to see what else is out there. I think the times she has done anything have been as a result of how things were with me. The timing of them was influenced by things I did recently.

 

She told me she slept with the guy (on a thursday) because when she spoke to me on the the tuesday before, for the first time in a few weeks, she felt like although I hadn't moved on to another girl, and had still said I wanted to be with her, she thought I was doing very well for myself in terms of getting on with things, I had gone to london, gone out with friends, I was moving my career plans forward, and this was all on facebook... something which she admitted she was watching almost daily... she resented the fact that I was getting on, she said it was ironic that I was 'living my life' more than she was. And told me that it was that which made her realise that she had to move on. I'm not saying what she did is good. I have no doubt it won't make her feel better, but I don't think it says anything about how she feels about me.

 

If anything, when you are in love with someone, and you feel you cannot be with someone for whatever reason, the feeling of acute loneliness you get, it is human nature to think you can get away from that by being close to someone else...

[EthanH]

OK Citizen Erased...

 

firstly, I agree, and if I was in your situation, advising someone who was in my situation, I would probably say the same thing.

 

However, I think the situation is a lot more complicated than that. I saved the facebook chat conversation we had, and the reality of it is, just because she broke up with me, it doesn't mean she didn't/doesn't love me. To be honest, I still don't know what love is. It is a feeling of wanting to be with someone, but then again, I have loved people and realised I cannot be with them. Everytime I say something definite about love, you can contradict that. She said to me at the end of the relationship, when she was snapping at me, over really small things, and it became a bit of a running theme that she would do that and then I would pick up on it, making her hate herself, she got to the stage there she loved me,but the negativity was so all enveloping that she struggled to remember what she was fighting for.

 

Also, if she didn't love me, why did she come back to me? Even before i contacted her,she admitted she had spent the week before missing me but not feeling she could contact me as it was against 'the rules' which she felt she had to act by.

[EthanH]

someone, please give me more advice...or if any of you want to speak to me about it, something i would really appreciate, i can mssg you on skype: "ethanhurlington"

[yume]

Yume,

 

I totally agree there are contradictions. But then I agree she is confused. I don't think she is doing it to hurt me. She is doing it because she is unsure.

 

I know what the unsure feeling is like, trust me. But I never went around making out with guys when I was with my boyfriend. I know your situation is different because you're sort of...in between being together and not being together, but out of respect to you...she shouldn't be doing those things. At least, that's what I think.

 

Even so, it's been going both ways. You said you did the same thing, got really drunk and kissed a girl - ok fine, it didn't mean anything...but you guys are like...feeding off of each other. She thinks you're getting your act together so she does too by making out with other guys, then you hear about it and get drunk and kiss another girl. Where is this going? Do you see what I'm saying?

 

But, in addition to what I said in my reply to Keith, I don't think the times she has hooked up with guys show she doesn't love me/she wants to see what else is out there. I think the times she has done anything have been as a result of how things were with me. The timing of them was influenced by things I did recently.

 

Again, the cycle I mentioned above.

 

She told me she slept with the guy (on a thursday) because when she spoke to me on the the tuesday before, for the first time in a few weeks, she felt like although I hadn't moved on to another girl, and had still said I wanted to be with her, she thought I was doing very well for myself in terms of getting on with things, I had gone to london, gone out with friends, I was moving my career plans forward, and this was all on facebook... something which she admitted she was watching almost daily... she resented the fact that I was getting on, she said it was ironic that I was 'living my life' more than she was. And told me that it was that which made her realise that she had to move on. I'm not saying what she did is good. I have no doubt it won't make her feel better, but I don't think it says anything about how she feels about me.

 

Maybe it doesn't. I have very strong morals and willpower, so it's hard for me to feel like she wants to be with you when she's out in the world doing her thing...because I would never do that. Yeah, I'd go out and drink and dance with guys, but it would never be more than that. She is being intimate with strangers. How are you okay with that?

 

 

If anything, when you are in love with someone, and you feel you cannot be with someone for whatever reason, the feeling of acute loneliness you get, it is human nature to think you can get away from that by being close to someone else...

 

Of course. We are social creatures. But I think you need some social time with FRIENDS and not other girls. Same for her. Instead of either of you turning to other girls/guys for the intimacy that's missing in your relationship, both of you need a break to just...relax and do other things... be with friends. If this keeps up the situation is just going to get worse.

 

You guys should sit down and seriously TALK about getting back together. If she is still "unsure" then suggest going NC for say, two weeks, and then agree to talk again afterwards. Some time apart really helps clear your mind.

 

Apart from that, I don't know what else to tell you. I know this sucks...you'll get through it one way or another.

[EthanH]

*update*

 

she called me tonight and i think it is now over.

 

She is just more certain about it. The thing that annoyed me was that she openly suggested that the reason we has this thing in the last week was that I had 'persuaded' her. It's just rubbish! When I look at this week that clearly wasn't true:

 

Take for example the times we slept together. The first time, yes I kissed her when we were sitting on the stairs, but it was her who went to lock her front door from the inside, specifically suggesting that I would stay over there. The second time we slept together on the wednesday, we were sitting having lunch, and she said to me she wanted to show me her new shoes in her room. She tried them on and then said she wanted to show me what they were like with a dress she thought they would go with. So she just stripped off in-front of me. I remember she got annoyed when I looked awkward when she was undressing, i'm not a prude, quite the opposite, and I still don't understand why I looked awkward, I love her body, but for some reason i felt like I should avert my gaze. She showed me the dress, and then took it off and was there in her underwear, and just jumped on me on her bed.

 

So it wasn't me initiating it. It was her. When i suggested this, she told me 'but i knew you wanted to'... maybe so, but the point was that it was her who was pushing it, not me.

 

It was her who jumped out of the taxi to see me on tuesday night... she could have driven past and I would have been none the wiser she was even there.

 

The times she texted me out of the blue. I didn't ask her to do that, and yet she did.

 

To me, all this adds up to her trying to cover up what she was really feeling, namely that she wanted to be close to me, and almost in a way, wanted to have a relationship-lite with me...

 

She also told me more about the things on wednesday. I couldn't understand how she could sleep with me and then kiss a guy later that night. She told me that when she went out that night, she didn't think about us at all. And when i mentioned about what she had said earlier in the week about me not having to worry about that night out, something she repeated when we spoke on friday...she explained, and it really surprised me. She said i didn't have anything to worry about because if i hadn't asked her, i wouldn't have known, and thus, because we were single, it wasn't a problem. I find this amazing... although we weren't back together in any form, was I wrong to think we were not single? I mean... we slept together, she wanted to hold hands with me at every opportunity and hugged me all the time... she stayed in contact with me all the time, and told me that it all meant something to her, and yet I'm supposed to just think that her kissing another guy was all part of it? Have any of you been in her situation and mindset?

[northstar1]

Sorry about your pain Ethan, you've had a rough go.

 

I am going to state the obvious here. She's 19. She's acting like a lot of 19 year old girls. They are flighty and don't know what they want. She loves you, but she is also at the age where she dosn't know what she wants. This manifests itself in being fickle and her attention is all over the place. She's not ready for committment and she's not ready for serious. Maybe in a few years, but right now she just wants to have fun.

 

You need someone a bit more mature and ready for a serious thing.

[EthanH]

The thing is, I don't want anything serious. I have a year left from september at uni, and she has two years from then... so I always knew we would have to split somehow then. I just want to have fun. I have never said to her that I want anything more. I figured if something more happened in the future, then great, but I wasn't hoping or indeed even thinking about anything. I think her age is part of the problem, I don't think it is her feelings which are lacking, I think it is that the feelings she does have are too scary. She admitted to a friend that she loved me, but didn't want to admit it to herself or me.

[EthanH]

please can someone else give me some more advice... I feel like talking about this is really helping me...

[northstar1]

The thing is, I don't want anything serious. I have a year left from september at uni, and she has two years from then... so I always knew we would have to split somehow then. I just want to have fun. I have never said to her that I want anything more. I figured if something more happened in the future, then great, but I wasn't hoping or indeed even thinking about anything. I think her age is part of the problem, I don't think it is her feelings which are lacking, I think it is that the feelings she does have are too scary. She admitted to a friend that she loved me, but didn't want to admit it to herself or me.

 

No one is saying that she doesn't have feeling for you , or doesn't love you. But clearly she's not ready to be only with you. She's still exploring her options, having fun, and giving into temptations that are around her.

She still wants you there because you are safe and comfortable and she knows you and it's easy with you. So, you are reading into her behaviours looking for more meaning. It's perfectly understandable.

 

Now, you are asking how to change that? I don't know that you can other than leaving her be and doing your own thing. Maybe she comes to her senses and realizes she might lose you if she keeps meandering around, but at her age, it's hard to say if she has the emotional maturity to realize the consequences if she lets you go.

 

I think you both just just have different understandings of what fun is. To you, it's being monogamous as a couple and seeing where things go. To her, having fun is not being monogamous or committed.

 

I think you need to just let her know firmly that you want a committed relationship, and that is all you will accept. If she isn't willing to agree, then I think you need to move on. You don't want to be strung along with this drama.

[EthanH]

northstar, thanks for your advice.

 

However, I fundamentally disagree with your assertion that we want different things. She has told me that she got with other guys to try and get over me. I kissed a girl in the week after she broke up with me, and it meant nothing, but i did it as i felt so lonely. She claims she didn't 'choose' not to be with me, something which i find frankly puzzling.

 

I don't think she wants to play the field. I think she realised the relationship wasn't working, and after she broke it off with me, she reacted to how i was acting, when I looked like I was moving on, not from her, but with my life, it scared her and she hooked up with the guy she slept with. I don't think she wants to be with anyone either casually or seriously. I just think she was trying to move on from me after she thought we had both moved on. what do you think?

[northstar1]

northstar, thanks for your advice.

 

However, I fundamentally disagree with your assertion that we want different things. She has told me that she got with other guys to try and get over me. I kissed a girl in the week after she broke up with me, and it meant nothing, but i did it as i felt so lonely. She claims she didn't 'choose' not to be with me, something which i find frankly puzzling.

 

I don't think she wants to play the field. I think she realised the relationship wasn't working, and after she broke it off with me, she reacted to how i was acting, when I looked like I was moving on, not from her, but with my life, it scared her and she hooked up with the guy she slept with. I don't think she wants to be with anyone either casually or seriously. I just think she was trying to move on from me after she thought we had both moved on. what do you think?

 

I understand, I don't know your ex, so I can only go off of what I've read here. I can't really say if she wants to be with anyone casually or not. I can just go based on my experience of having dated girls that age when I was younger. Very few of the relationships lasted long, both of my own, and people around me at college at 19.

 

If you really believe that she only got with these guys because she was lonely and scared after you broke up, then i can't really argue that one. My own viewpoint would be that she doesn't know what she wants right now,but she wants you in the picture at least until she does figure it out.

[EthanH]

thanks northstar...

 

this site is a great help, but the problem is, of course, that there is only so much you can tell from a post. Her personality is the main thing here, she blames herself for being weak. She says that is why the last week happened, and that she needs to be stronger and be 'the bigger person'...she also says it happened because I was so persuasive. She basically blames me for everything, even when it is clear that she doesn't believe it. I remember in the last few days of us dating she blamed me for getting a bad grade in her uni course class test... yes she did spend a lot of time with me that week, but it was her choice, she used me as an excuse not to do work, and yes she regretted it, but it wasn't my fault, it was her decision.

 

the thing that is noteworthy about her personality is how stubborn she is. She sulks so much. When she misses me, she just sulks about it. It doesn't make her run after me, she just feels sorry for herself and eventually tries to put artificial things in place to take her mind off it, going out with friends etc. I think the main thing is that even though she isn't sure what she wants to do, she has to stick to her decision.

 

she told me her two ways of coping with breaking up with me. They are to either act:

1)to cut me out, ignore me, push me away, shut off, ignore her emotions...

2)to admit to herself that she isn't sure, that she misses me, feel bad about this, and in order to convince herself, she acts like a 'lad'... which essentially means hooking up with guys in order to solidify/convince her that she made the right decision.

 

To me, both ways, they are ways of her shutting off her thoughts, if she was over me, surely she would not have to put up these artificial coping mechanisms?

[northstar1]

thanks northstar...

 

 

the thing that is noteworthy about her personality is how stubborn she is. She sulks so much. When she misses me, she just sulks about it. It doesn't make her run after me, she just feels sorry for herself and eventually tries to put artificial things in place to take her mind off it, going out with friends etc. I think the main thing is that even though she isn't sure what she wants to do, she has to stick to her decision.

 

 

Yes, I know this one well, My ex was queen of the stubborn. Once she broke up with a guy, she never ever reached out to them first. And she also never went back again. And like yours, she would cope through going out with friends, picking up guys, drinking/smoking weed etc, anything rather than deal with the emotions or try and learn from the experience.

[EthanH]

thanks northstar...

 

she told me her two ways of coping with breaking up with me. They are to either act:

1)to cut me out, ignore me, push me away, shut off, ignore her emotions...

2)to admit to herself that she isn't sure, that she misses me, feel bad about this, and in order to convince herself, she acts like a 'lad'... which essentially means hooking up with guys in order to solidify/convince her that she made the right decision.

 

To me, both ways, they are ways of her shutting off her thoughts, if she was over me, surely she would not have to put up these artificial coping mechanisms?

 

what does everyone think about this? ... i mean... have you done this/had this done to you?

[alex123]

i think you are overanalysing things too much -

first, if she says you make her feel unattractive, believe her, she just doesn't fancy you

second, if she is sleeping with other people, its pretty clear she doesnt want to be with you, otherwise she wouldnt do it

 

you need to stop obsessing, stop trying to justify her actions and persude yourself it'll work out - if you have this many problems already, from my experience, itll never work out

 

maybe you should find someone more mature, someone who wont walk over you so easily - youre 26, a postgraduate at university? find someone with a little more life experience, and take responsibility and stop blaming her and realise that it just isnt meant to be

[EthanH]

ok alex123, quite a strange reply...

 

um, first of all, where did i say she says i make her feel unattractive? I know for a fact that she does fancy me, and she has told friends that is part of the problem.

 

As for the sleeping with people bit, she told me specifically that she did it to try and get over me, and while that might not be the only reason (I'm sure she wanted to anyway)... the fact that she then came back to me and doubted she had made the right choice shows something I think...?

 

And, I don't blame her... so not sure where you got that from...

[EthanH]

Ok I want to ask you all for some more advice. I want to write her a letter. I still don't think she is certain about what she feels. It is so difficult as she told me herself that she knew I knew she still liked me and that she could go about it two ways, 1) cut me off and try to make it final, or 2) be honest with me and admit that she still had doubts...she chose the second option up until thursday and is now following the first.

 

I just want to write to her and get some respect back. I don't want to think I'm a doormat, I don't want her to think all I'm interested in is persuading her. I don't want to be back with her no matter what. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. But I think she has got a few things wrong in the way she is thinking... and I want to tell her that. The main thing that has come to me is this:

 

She says her feelings have changed. Maybe they have. But she had 2 months of thinking it was over, spending time trying to convince herself it was over and she was over me. She admitted to me she slept with the guy to try and move on from me. She told me she didn't love me and then told me it was just her way of 'shutting off' and that I knew that she did love me. (it is this way of constantly telling me that what I'm thinking, although contrasting what she is saying, is actually right which is the main reason I'm finding it hard to move on) And yet she still came back to me.

 

Ok the point is this...she said she felt differently...and my reading is, that it is because she realises that she doesn't 'need' me. One of the main things she hated feeling in our relationship was needy, she hated it because it made her withdraw, and when she did that, she felt distant from me, missed the closeness and thus all she wanted was to be close to me. It was a vicious circle. Now she realises that she can get on without me. She had to and she did it. And I feel so strongly that it is a very positive thing. She was too reliant on me. I think she feels that now, something is missing, it is that feeling that she needs to be with me, and instead of seeing that, she sees it that her feelings have somehow gone. In many ways, I have stopped needing her, I want her, but I don't need her... and I can feel that because of that, how i feel about her is somehow different. I also want to tell her how much I think she is a great person, not to try and get her back, but just because I want her to know, mainly that she shouldn't be insecure... the other reason she hooked up with the guy was that she felt insecure, something she told me I did a lot to stop.

 

It wouldn't be a begging letter in the slightest. I have realised that I have to respect her decision and not try to force the issue. What do you think? Have any of you done a similar thing and if so, give me some advice if possible... thanks

[EthanH]

I have posted this, it is a fbchat convo we had, from sunday, would appreciate anyone to let me know what they think...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2758392#post2758392

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, you really need to stop and take a breather.

 

First of all, you're not the only guy this has happened to, and you won't be the last. So really, it's not uncommon for this to take place....

I realise THIS hasn't happened to anyone else, but you are, truly, individually one of many....

 

secondly, Hyper-analysis causes paralysis.

you want an answer to every single little nuance, comment, inflection, happening and situation.

Cross-posting links to different threads comes across as needy, desperate and frankly? (sorry) A bit egotistic.....

 

Let me tell you now:

sometimes, there are no answers.

Things are as they are because that's the way they pan out.

people love a little drama in their lives, and have to keep things rolling and bubbling along, dissecting, analysing, examining, scrutinising every little thing so minutely, that they lose sight of the bigger picture.

Something wasn't right.

 

You are both doing this. Stretching out the drama, pulling everything out of it you can, when the bottom line is, that maybe even she doesn't fully know why things went the way they did.

schyt happens.

 

At the end of the day, mostly, it doesn't matter.

Your desire to know every little in, out and roundabout is simply actually adding new components to the confusion, not clarifying things to any satisfactory degree.

You're broken up.

It's over.

Let it go.

Say "so long and thanks for all the fish" and sail on, sailor.

Go No Contact and knock it on the head.

 

"He who deliberates fully before taking each step, will spend his entire life on one leg."

Stop deliberating so fully, otherwise we'll end up calling you "The hopping guy"....

 

Realx, stop thinking, stop worrying and go out for a beer.

On your own.

Don't analyse any more.

get to know yourself better, instead.

 

Really, I'm just trying to help here.

[EthanH]

I think that is possibly the worst piece of advice I have had on here...

 

you aren't trying to help. You are just being bolshy. Thanks for being critical of me cross posting, I just thought it was a way of not having to write out my situation every time...Do you not think I know that I should give up if this doesn't improve in time? It was a couple of days ago that it happened. Not sure you would take your own advice if you were in my position. So quit it with the holier than holy, I know best, comments...