Don't want to cheat..

[elizabethk]

I have been having feelings for my best friend's husband (who is also my husbands best friend) for several years now. We had a drunken interlude a few years back that has never been repeated as I am very careful to never put myself in an one on one situation with him. I love my husband, and would like our marriage to work, but I cannot move on from these feelings. I find that every time I spend time with this man, which is often, it becomes harder and harder to maintain platonic thoughts. I also love my friend dearly and know it would destroy their marriage if anything were to happen. Aside from moving to another country, how can I move on?

Edited April 18, 2010 by elizabethk
spelling

[skylarblue]

What a way to betray your H and your friend and show your “love” for them. If you don’t want to cheat, then don’t. You know it is wrong. It’ll potentially destroy your H, your M, your H’s R with his friend, your R with your friend, and your friend’s M. Why?...You want to know aside from moving to another country, how can you move on? Tell your H about your developing feelings for his friend and your friend about your feelings for her H. I’m sure they’ll be able to help you nip it in the bud.

 

You claim to love your husband and would like your marriage to work so instead of focusing your thoughts towards MM why don’t you question yourself about what is lacking in your M and why are you finding yourself attracted to someone else. And since you find that its becomes harder and harder to maintain platonic thoughts every time you spend time with him then stop hanging out with him so often.

[Green]

First of all I don't believe any women should be putting themselves in a one on one situation with any man unless they are single. Second of all if you do not have children you should just break up with your husband if this is how you feel. Once you have broken up with your husband you could go have a romantic relationship with a single man as doing anything with a married man would lead to disaster.

[ADF]

This should be titled, "don't want to cheat...again." You've already cheated once.

 

Look, the only way to deal with this situation is for you and this man to have no more contact of any kind ever again. If that means fessing up to your previous betrayal and hoping your husband forgives you, do it. Stop trying to make this easy on yourself. Your tone suggests a person unwilling to take responsibility for her actions. You talk about cheating as if it is something that might just happen, like an earthquake. Bull. You are an adult. Take responsibility. Don't cheat. You can't be expected to police your thoughts, but you can certainly police your actions. Do it.

[dazzle22]

I agree with Green that if you are a married person, you need to be proactive and avoid situations where you are alone with someone of the opposite sex who you might develop feelings for.

 

You also really need to examine your relationship as the others said, and what is 'missing' that you seem to be yearning for with someone else.

 

And then as ADF said, I think there is way too much of 'can't help myself, can't stop stuff - I'm addicted' in our society.

 

As adults we need to take responsibility for our behaviors even if we can't control our thoughts. For example, there are quite a few people I would like to 'throttle', but I control myself...

[seibert253]

There's an old saying; the only way to kill a snake it to cut off it's head. Translation; if you're seperated from the temptation, then it will die.

 

As I see it, there's really only one sure way to radically seperate yourself from this guy. Be honest with your husband. Talk to him, tell him how you feel.

 

I guarrentee if you tell him about:

1. Your prior "contact" with the OM'

2. The feelings you continue to have for the OM

3. The temptation to once again travel down #1.

 

He will insist all contact between you and the OM ceases.

Even if you don't tell him about your "history" with the OM, he's be stupid to allow the temptations you're facing to remain.

 

Yeah you are probably going to lose a couple of friends, but here's your choice; What's more important, your marriage, or your friends.

[Cinnamon2000]

I have been having feelings for my best friend's husband (who is also my husbands best friend) for several years now. We had a drunken interlude a few years back that has never been repeated as I am very careful to never put myself in an one on one situation with him. I love my husband, and would like our marriage to work, but I cannot move on from these feelings. I find that every time I spend time with this man, which is often, it becomes harder and harder to maintain platonic thoughts. I also love my friend dearly and know it would destroy their marriage if anything were to happen. Aside from moving to another country, how can I move on?

 

This one is easy. Tell your husband and your best friend the truth and your feelings. That should clear things up.

 

But, you're most likely a coward and won't do it.

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your husband has been doing to you what you have been doing to him with his best friend? What do you mean about a drunken interlude?

It is clear that you have engaged in a double betrayal of your husband with his so-called best friend. If you have any respect left for your husband then you will tell everything that has been going on so he can decide what he wishes to do with you and his so-called friend. What you have been doing is playing your husband for a complete fool. How would you feel if your husband had a drunken interlude with your best friend and hid the truth from you? Your actions show that you do not have respect for your husband because you have no desire to suffer the consequences from your actions. If this is how you love your husband then God help him.

[jnj express]

Hey Liz---can you remember back when you took your WEDDING VOWS---Didn't you say to your H., you would have "a lay your life down for him kind of love"---Have you so easily forgotten that, have you forgotten for better or worse till death do us part.

 

Do you really wanna wreck the lives of all around you.

 

It seems you have already cheated once with your past "interlude"----The grass will not be greener, in the end it will be an ugly brown---and your life will be wrecked. Is that what you want for yourself, and those around you-----

 

Grow up, are you a mature woman, or some kind of immature, irresponsible teenager.

 

Time to control your raging hormones, and start working on your mge.

 

In the situation you are in like it or not you need to end this friendship with the other couple, and go NC, before it destroys all of you.

[elizabethk]

First of all, thankyou to those of you who have offered constructive solutions to my problem. Yes it is clear that i need to address what is missing in my marriage and deal with that. To the rest of you who seem to be out for my blood, yes, I do realise that my behaviour is wrong, hence my posting on this site in search of guidance. If I believed I was in the right, I would not bother posting. Yes I have told my husband about my past indiscretion, no I will not be telling my friend, NOT because i am a coward but because there is a child involved and I think enough damage has been done. For those of you who wanted details, it was a kiss, nothing more and before you all jump on your high horses, YES I know that does not make it any better. If I didnt take my marriage vows seriously I would have walked away long ago and again, would not be bothering to try and resolve the issue. NO I do not abdicate responsibility, but at the same time I do not consciously spend my waking hours deciding to feel for this person. I am trying to take responsibility for my actions and was genuinely asking for help, not a character assassination. I have been cheated on myself, and am well aware of the consequences. Yes I am aware that emotional infidelity is just as bad, if not worse than sexual infidelity. Yes it is very easy for those of you on the outside to say "just tell everyone and get it out in the open" and if it was just me who had to suffer as a result I would say bring it on. However, I am trying to avoid destroying not my life, but entire families. I mistakenly believed that by posting on this site I would receive genuine advice from those who may have experienced similar issues, not judgement by people who know only a minute part of my story.

[JustJoe]

ElizabethK, by posting on this site, you are inviting criticism as well as advice. I found that out, when I first posted here. If you can't take negative opinions, then perhaps this site is not for you. I have found pearls of wisdom in even the worst bashings I've recieved, and am content to let the "bashers", have their say, and take what advice seems to fit my situation best. In my opinion, you should have as little contact with this other man as you possibly can, and NEVER repeat your intimate moment. Focus your mind on two things, 1) repairing/ improving your marriage and 2) the damage that an affair would cause to all concerned. I think that you are a good person, in a bad situation. Don't make it worse, and work to make it better. Good Luck, I'm pulling for you.:)

[Green]

First of all, thankyou to those of you who have offered constructive solutions to my problem. Yes it is clear that i need to address what is missing in my marriage and deal with that. To the rest of you who seem to be out for my blood, yes, I do realise that my behaviour is wrong, hence my posting on this site in search of guidance. If I believed I was in the right, I would not bother posting. Yes I have told my husband about my past indiscretion, no I will not be telling my friend, NOT because i am a coward but because there is a child involved and I think enough damage has been done. For those of you who wanted details, it was a kiss, nothing more and before you all jump on your high horses, YES I know that does not make it any better. If I didnt take my marriage vows seriously I would have walked away long ago and again, would not be bothering to try and resolve the issue. NO I do not abdicate responsibility, but at the same time I do not consciously spend my waking hours deciding to feel for this person. I am trying to take responsibility for my actions and was genuinely asking for help, not a character assassination. I have been cheated on myself, and am well aware of the consequences. Yes I am aware that emotional infidelity is just as bad, if not worse than sexual infidelity. Yes it is very easy for those of you on the outside to say "just tell everyone and get it out in the open" and if it was just me who had to suffer as a result I would say bring it on. However, I am trying to avoid destroying not my life, but entire families. I mistakenly believed that by posting on this site I would receive genuine advice from those who may have experienced similar issues, not judgement by people who know only a minute part of my story.

 

First off I wouldn't have told your husband if I were you, and you should NEVER tell your friend. You should probably never see this "friend" again because it will only make you think about her husband.

 

A kiss is a big deal. If your husband is over it then move on with your life and just take control of yourself and stop thinking of this man. Your title "Don't want to cheat" paints you as a person out of control. Gain control of yourself again. Leave your husband if thats whats best for you. You might end up in this same situation again even if you leave your husband though. It is your job to control your mind, when you put yourself in a situation where you had an enjoyable kiss you lost that control. The future is yours so good luck.

[Cinnamon2000]

First off I wouldn't have told your husband if I were you, and you should NEVER tell your friend. You should probably never see this "friend" again because it will only make you think about her husband.

 

A kiss is a big deal. If your husband is over it then move on with your life and just take control of yourself and stop thinking of this man. Your title "Don't want to cheat" paints you as a person out of control. Gain control of yourself again. Leave your husband if thats whats best for you. You might end up in this same situation again even if you leave your husband though. It is your job to control your mind, when you put yourself in a situation where you had an enjoyable kiss you lost that control. The future is yours so good luck.

 

She is continuing making a fool of her friend by being her friend while romanced her husband without her knowing. Every time she hangs out with her "friend," she continues to make a fool out of her intentionally.

 

Yup, I agree. She should cut her friend lose and stay away from her friend and her husband for the rest of her life.

[jnj express]

Hey Eliz.---1st you are gonna get all types of responses---use what you want and discard the rest---

 

You state if you didn't take your vows seriously--you would have left the mge. Is there a problem, and if so why are the 2 of you not working on it.

 

Only one person on this planet can solve your problem and that is you.--You can garner all the info. and advise you want --bottom line you have to decide what is best for you to do.

 

Knowing that---I would then ask you what is controlling Eliz??? Your head which knows what is morally right, knows what repercussions there will be should you and your friend slip and have a possible ONS., or is your heart, and hormones controlling you in a passion filled infatuation?????

 

You have been cheated on--you know what will happen if you cheat----What you need to do--is to end your friendship with the other family---The pain of that ending will be tiny compared to the pain of you being caught cheating.

 

You must go NC NOW---Out of sight, out of mind---End it with a letter or E-mail---No face to face----It will be hard to come up with a reason---but you must go NC---unless you want a divorce, and then you will be free---but I doubt if your friend will ever leave his family---so you are still nowhere.

 

You could try to be friends with your GF,only, and as I said before---NC with anyone else in that family, ever again.

[Dexter Morgan]

I have been having feelings for my best friend's husband (who is also my husbands best friend) for several years now. We had a drunken interlude a few years back that has never been repeated

 

so the title says you "don't want to cheat".....but looks like you already have.

 

 

I love my husband

 

 

 

and would like our marriage to work

 

 

whats not working about it apart from the fact you aren't faithful?

 

 

but I cannot move on from these feelings. I find that every time I spend time with this man, which is often, it becomes harder and harder to maintain platonic thoughts.

 

you never will have just platonic thoughts about this other man, unless he is disfigured in a car wreck or something.

 

 

I also love my friend dearly and know it would destroy their marriage if anything were to happen. Aside from moving to another country, how can I move on?

 

don't know, I don't think you will.

 

but if there is a chance, maybe try role reversal. think of how you'd feel if your husband had an "interlude" with another woman and is infatuated with someone else. How would you feel? maybe you wouldn't care seeing as how you want another man yourself....I don't know.

[Dexter Morgan]

For those of you who wanted details, it was a kiss, nothing more and before you all jump on your high horses, YES I know that does not make it any better.

 

I think you do think it makes a difference. Otherwise you wouldn't have felt the need to highlight that tidbit.

 

 

If I didnt take my marriage vows seriously I would have walked away long ago

 

if you took them seriously, you wouldn't have cheated. the fact you didn't walk away means nothing with regards to your seriousness of your vows.

 

 

I mistakenly believed that by posting on this site I would receive genuine advice from those who may have experienced similar issues

 

most of us have, but not on the same side of the betrayal as you. Therefore we post what we know we'd want in a situation like yours. Honesty, so that we aren't mistakenly just going through the motions of life with someone we only think we know.

 

Do you think its fair to your husband that you are the way you are and he doesn't know?

 

not judgement by people who know only a minute part of my story.

 

well what part of your story would make a difference? your husband a drunk? abusive? the passion died off and you want it with someone else?

 

if its on the lines of the latter, got a newsflash for ya, when people get married they have to realize that newness wears off. you say you want to find out what is missing in the marriage, as if you don't know.

 

So I'm taking a guess that you miss the excitement of a new relationship. If I'm wrong, then say so...but I don't think I am.

 

And if you are the type that can't handle long term committment without getting infatuated over another guy, then why did you get married?