Trying an "open relationship" for her.. interesting situation, need input ...LONG

[phineas]

Depends, do you want your stuff?

 

Reguardless of what you say, she is going to keep sleeping with him.

YOU KNOW THIS.

 

Might as well just show up & just get your stuff.

 

If you don't want your stuff or care, just cut her out of your life now.

 

She won't give him up.

YOU KNOW THIS also.

 

She doesn't want to. If she really wanted you, she wouldn't be trying to cake eat.

[MichelleZB]

Look, CFM, I'm going to be really straight with you. You've spent a good amount of your long-distance relationship dealing with a lot of drama. She had a family drama, you had, like, war and **** to deal with--and on top of it all, you were trying to negotiate a relationship long-distance, which is pretty much just an endless drama generator.

 

While her avoidance of wanting to talk about "the deep issues" would usually be a red flag, I'm not sure if it is. The thing is, it could be just an indication that she's ready to move on with her life and has no further desire to beat a dead horse.

 

Honestly, when you're writing emails and talking on the phone, you have to loop around and endlessly discuss the drama of your life. And there's really only so much that can be said on the topic. Maybe everything that can be said has been said, and now you're in the wallowing stage. And she doesn't want to stay there.

 

Am I ringing any bells?

 

If so, you're going to have to tell her, "Look, I know we've been dealing with some **** in the last few years and it's not our faults. I agree with you, though, that we should move on with our lives. So, baby, let's get together and see if we can make it work in real life." And then try.

 

Long-distance relationships are relationships forever on ice, barely surviving and unable to grow.* Tell her you want to make the leap into a real relationship in real life, and see if it'll work. Either live together or separately, but in the same city. Get jobs or go to school so you both have stuff to do. Keep busy and do things together (dancing lessons, classes, hobbies). See if you can LIVE together, not just wait together.

 

To do this, you are going to have to give up on the open relationship idea for awhile while you get to know each other. But it looks like she's agreed to do that. So go for it!

 

After a few months, if it doesn't seem to be working, you break up. It won't be the first time in the world that's happened, my friend. But you'll have thrown yourself into it totally, and given the relationship every chance. Good luck!

 

*and yes, I know, because I successfully turned my long-distance relationship into a marriage. And we had to do everything I said: stop with the drama, commit to getting to know each other, learn to live together. (And I don't mean live as in be roommates--I mean LIVE as in be alive.)

[CarrieT]

CFM, everyone here is giving you great advice. As indicated, open relationships work when BOTH parties want them and are already very comfortable in the relationship and with each other. It is usually something that is shared by both parties, not something that is tolerated by one for the benefit of another.

 

Your stuff is just that; stuff. You can have friends help you get it back but your dignity and health is much more important that your "things."

 

And the fact that she called you before she did the deed is more than reprehensible.

 

Two weeks of No Contact probably isn't enough for her to realize the damage she has done. Those lines about Loving You Like No Other is just a line for her to continue getting her way. If she truly loved you like she says, than she would never have done this to you.

 

I am glad you are here and getting the support you need from us. We will continue to be here as long as you need us and can continue venting and telling us everything or nothing, as much or as little as you need to get your support.

 

And, yes, thank you for your service to our country. You deserve much, much better than this. DROP HER NOW. She doesn't deserve the courtesy of a face-to-face and it will only make it harder on you. Do all the things you can to make all of this easier and that includes not seeing her and not talking to her. You need to not care that she "will go running to him." You need to not care what she is going at all because she has shown you how much she does not care about you by her actions.

[txsilkysmoothe]

I don't think you are going to follow any advice that means you never see this girl again so I won't even bother trying.

 

Given that you're determined to see her, you want to try to make it work, and she has agreed to not see him until you get home, I think before you get home you have to ask her to not see him for two weeks, a month, or as long as she will agree to after you are home so that the two of you can concentrate on your relationship. Then for that time period you show her what life with you will be like. Don't bring up this guy or the situation - no drama. Don't press her to talk about feelings/things she isn't ready to discuss. When this time is up ask her if she still wants to see this guy. If yes, you have to walk away.

 

The only reason I think your relationship may work is because, in addition to her terrible family problems, I imagine she has found it difficult to not worry about you. Fearing that you may not survive, she may have detached from you emotionally in order to cope should the worst happen. If that is the case, once you're standing in front of her, alive and safe, everything may change for her.

 

None of us like drama but life requires we deal with it and she has to learn to deal with it also. Having meaningless sex is not a healthy escape from reality, though I'm still not convinced that's all it means to her.

[CFM]

Thanks for the ongoing support here. Please don't think that I'm ignoring the advice to just end it with her, just understand my situation a little. Ending it with her right now means I have no one there when I get back. I get to watch everyone reunite with family and their girls and I know that I will be in a BAD place. The "stuff" that is up at her house is a lot of military gear I have to turn in in order to out process. I'd say easily 10 grand combined with that, my electronics, etc. I'm not comfortable to just giving that to her to save myself a little anguish that will be there regardless. At the very least by having her come and not blowing everything up now I'll get 2 weeks of sex and be able to detach myself slowly without having her gone completely.

 

The plan I'm leaning toward is this:

 

Return with everything as planned - her there waiting etc. She took 2 weeks off work to spend time with me, and after that I get 2 weeks vacation where we have the option to go to a friends' vacation house and have time just her and I with nothing else going on. I think I at least owe it to the crap that both of us have been through trying to make this relationship work to try to mend everything. I messed up, she messed up, we love each other, have an amazing bond and a lot of the same goals in life. Being together now makes sense and I just want to move on from our long, difficult, and dramatic past. The fact that we didn't give up before now means a lot. We both put endless time and effort into things until something cracked - something that I may have caused. So, yeah, I would just like to see where things go and not feel like I gave up without giving it a fair chance.

Edited April 19, 2010 by CFM

[Rorschach]

I'm skeptical but I really REALLY hope it works out for you. You have to keep us posted on current developments in the coming weeks.

[FryFish]

Being together now makes sense and I just want to move on from our long, difficult, and dramatic past.

You mean the recent past in which she ****ed some other guy...? So did he use a condom? Did you ask? Did she go down on him? Does he do that for her? You think she will have him pick her up from your friends vacation house? Or maybe you can drop her off at his dorm ONCE A WEEK?

 

Seriously dude...

[CFM]

Yeah it's become out of control. I'm becoming something I hate. I am obsessing and freaking out every other second while she is just fine. She's being so honest at this point that if she was going to see him again she would out and say it. I asked "has he talked to you after the sex?" to know what their "relationship" is like now, and she said yes. I had to actually pry any information out of her, but they both texted (apparently they don't TALK on the phone) each other talking about the sex...

 

I asked, "have you and xxx been talking since the sex?"

"we talked yesterday"

"on the phone?"

"no. never on the phone."

"oh, what did he say"

"we just talked about it"

"i figured. saying what though"

"it was fun."

"what did you say to him about it.."

"that it was fun too.. lol."

"did you or him talk about doing it again?"

"just like joking around, but i guess.."

"joking around saying what exactly?"

"I don't know."

 

 

DURING this little convo she kept changing the subject back to which hotel we were going to be getting.

 

Also asked,

 

"[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]So if everything was perfect again between you and I again, everything as planned, and I can't handle us being an open relationship until I'm more comfortable with us, and I want you to stop contacting him.. would you?"

"[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Helvetica][sIZE=3]it depends how I actually feel about us, , [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Helvetica][sIZE=3]You said we were going to take this one day at a time, [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Helvetica][sIZE=3]can we stop with these questions..." <-- the typical shut out thing she does when things get too real lately.

 

I go idle for a little bit feeling like ****, come back feeling beat up and ask

 

"do you swear to me that you will not see him before I get back?"

"i am really getting tired of this and if you don't stop i'm not going to talk to you for a while."

"just answer me.."

"if you don't ****ing leave me alone about this i'm going to see him, if you shut the **** up i won't. getting off aim now, bye."

 

signs off, that is that.

 

All of this went down when as we were planning where to go when I was there, and she was buying stuff for OUR room was happening and I couldn't just pretend to be normal. I can't avoid asking these ****ing questions no matter how hard I try - they just won't stop and I just want to be given a little hope. I guess I'm destroying my chances before I even have a chance.

 

I think it's clear she's not going to give me any response that will make me feel good at this point. I need to turn off my emotions and feelings right now altogether and just be numb for 12 more days. I honestly want to just plot a way that I can walk out of this without being the bitch. I want her to love me again just so I can show her what she put me through and make her feel what I have. There is no justification for her at this point, that is simply what I need to accept. The more I put in, the more it's going to hurt.

 

Blah.

[/sIZE][/FONT]

[CFM]

You mean the recent past in which she ****ed some other guy...? So did he use a condom? Did you ask? Did she go down on him? Does he do that for her? You think she will have him pick her up from your friends vacation house? Or maybe you can drop her off at his dorm ONCE A WEEK?

 

Seriously dude...

 

 

Yup, you're right. I don't think he cares about her, I think she knows that, she just wants the furthest thing from me at this point and feeling guilty I really believe.

 

Heh, I just hate knowing that I poured gasoline on that little spark they had. And me acting stupid and needy and upset is just adding to it.

[boogieboy]

Yup, you're right. I don't think he cares about her, I think she knows that, she just wants the furthest thing from me at this point and feeling guilty I really believe.

 

Heh, I just hate knowing that I poured gasoline on that little spark they had. And me acting stupid and needy and upset is just adding to it.

 

Youre absolutely right. She will keep seeing him when she knows you wont leave her. The only way to get out of this with your nuts intact is to get your stuff when you get home and never speak to her again. She is doing everything to get you to break up with her but you wont do it.

[FryFish]

**** that, have her BRING your stuff to you. Let that be your "reunion"... She is probably on her way to blow him right now. Next time you aim, tell her to pack up all of you equipment so that she can easily hand it over to you or someone you know when you get back. Make losing you a real thing for her. Maybe it helps her to realize what she is losing and maybe it just makes getting your **** back easier... either way its win/win for you at this point.

[CarrieT]

"if you don't ****ing leave me alone about this i'm going to see him, if you shut the **** up i won't. getting off aim now, bye."

[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

And you want this woman back BECAUSE?????

 

CFM, I don't know why you are subjecting yourself to this sort of abuse and torment. Have someone else get your stuff and save yourself for someone who will care and love you without treating you so badly.

 

You really deserve to be treated better and all you are doing is setting yourself up to be hurt again and again AND be subjected to STDs!

[CFM]

Yup.. starting to be kind of funny. I don't trust her to bring all of my stuff down, she'd keep a little up there just to get me coming back. She cares about me, I know she does. As soon as she sees me flip the switch off with her she will come crawling back. Her building our room up, telling all of her friends and family, making plans for us.. I mean even her damn mother is trying to talk to me on the phone saying how excited she is for me to be there, and her brother wants me to play in the local football league on his team. I think she just wants me to come around to her little fling and let her have what she wants without losing me - as you guys have said, she wants to have her cake and cupcake. Once I made it clear that I'm not okay with that, it's been pissing her off. If I let my feelings for her go I have all of the cards in my hand.

 

I'll get up there and give her a taste of how good life would have been with me, hell I'll give her the rope to hang herself with the kid and say yeah sure I'm okay with it. She leaves, I tell her mom what her little angel is doing at this moment and tell her why I have to bail and how much I truly cared for her - she knows damn well I do/did. Load up my car then and there, disappear forever and she can come back from her little **** buddies apartment to realize she lost something that mattered. Might not be the -best- way to do it, but I have a vindictive personality and this will honestly make me feel better about it all and not the chump who was cheated on. Hope she didn't enjoy my TV, computer, and car too much.

 

Go figure, her own mother's life was RUINED because she made a mistake like this. She had an amazing guy at one point who loved her, cared for her etc and she cheated on him and left him for my gfs father. He ended up never wanting more than sex, 20 years living together without marriage, is abusive and ended up bailing on her now and is trying to put her on the street. Her mother drinks herself into a stupor every night now realizing she has no one and no life worth living.

 

**** being the nice guy. I have learned a lot from all of this. Time to let go.

 

Iraq is like jail, too much time to think and just that. No girls, no parties, no enjoying life. She knows I have zero outlets, she knows she's not losing me to anyone else, she's got me right where she wants me. I really don't think after the events of this last week and her attitude that I could ever look at her the same way. I'm so bent out of shape now trying to preserve something, but when all is said and done I don't think I will be able to forgive her.

Edited April 20, 2010 by CFM

[CarrieT]

She cares about me, I know she does.

All evidence to the contrary.

 

I mean even her damn mother is trying to talk to me on the phone saying how excited she is for me to be there, and her brother wants me to play in the local football league on his team.

Have you told her family what she has been doing? You need to get support from every place you can.

 

Load up my car then and there, disappear forever and she can come back from her little **** buddies apartment to realize she lost something that mattered.

I hope you do this.

 

I have a vindictive personality and this will honestly make me feel better about it all

Honestly, it won't. But I understand your need to try retribution, but much, much later, you will feel MUCH better about yourself and the situation if you are the gentleman and treat her better than she has treated you.

 

I have learned a lot from all of this. Time to let go.

Hooooray!

 

She knows I have zero outlets, she knows she's not losing me to anyone else, she's got me right where she wants me.

You have a lot more than you realize. It just takes a little time and space to be able to see it. Trust me on that one.

 

I'm so bent out of shape now trying to preserve something, but when all is said and done I don't think I will be able to forgive her.

Good - maintain that anger long enough to get yourself free from her damaging influence.

[silic0ntoad]

Dude thanks for your service. I had a good friend of mine in the Scout snipers get counter sniped and pass away two years back. So your service is appreciated.

 

This girl is a soulless harpy. Kick this b*tch to the curb. Anger is a useful tool in these situations, very useful.

 

My girl tried keeping me on the stringer too. I cut that sh*t off and never looked back. Why bother?

 

This girl is draining you completely dry. Yes, you love her.

 

Well, if you truly love her, give her what she wants; let her go.

 

Get home, give her a kiss, and say "Sugar, this is where I say goodbye. I'm packing my stuff. After tonight, I'll never see you again."

[CFM]

Yup.

 

Her new thing is calling me clingy and needy. It's pretty hilarious. I *try* to talk to her on the phone maybe 20 minutes a day considering we're literally on standby to go home. She used to complain if we didn't talk at least 3 hours a day earlier in the relationship saying "we aren't talking enough" back then I would be extremely busy and sacrifice well needed sleep to keep her happy. The little things are what get to me - complete change in behavior. I'm letting go slowly but surely. She's still spending time setting up our room but definitely at the very least flirting with this guy and talking about sex - since they did the dirty she hasn't talked to me once about it.

 

Focusing on the idea of soon being free and able to go to school and not wanting to be tied down to such a girl, especially one that is such a bitch. 24 year old, two time vet, paid off car with savings, work experience and a solid game plan, 6'2 & atheletic, I think I'll have some pretty good options once I start prowling at a university. Not gloating by all means, just trying to boost myself a little after having my self confidence annihilated.

[FryFish]

Dude you are gonna be killin em at school.

[dazzle22]

Interesting to watch your evolution from the beginning of this thread til now.

 

I like your plan. But then, I have a very vengeful streak when betrayed too...

 

It makes sense to me that she would repeat what her mom did. Watch closely what goes on in someone's family of origin. They tend to subconsciously repeat what they saw modeled at home. It feels 'right', like home...Avoid anyone who grew up with big drama:eek:....

 

Stay strong...

[CFM]

Yup, it's definitely over. This ship has sailed and I have no intention of trying to mend. Just for you "told you so" people, I told her not to see him. She agreed.. three days later, she's acting overly nice and something feels off. She sets up a nice little plan for that night and says she has to study all night. Not uncommon, but mixed with how she was acting that day it felt off. Ends up she went to the guys house, hooked up again and slept over. She didn't even try to cover her tracks after a point, she just said "I know you're mad, I'm sorry.." the next day. She still wants to see me when I get back, so it's simply containing the rage until I have my belongings packed in my car and I'm ready to say my final farewell.

 

Single life, here I come...

[Rorschach]

Being single isn't so bad, sounds like you have alot going for you and you shouldn't have any trouble meeting somebody who appreciates you more. Good luck.

[sweetjasmine]

Her building our room up, telling all of her friends and family, making plans for us.. I mean even her damn mother is trying to talk to me on the phone saying how excited she is for me to be there, and her brother wants me to play in the local football league on his team.

 

Hey, cool, I'm sure she'll have a lot of fun explaining to them how you dumped her because she wanted to have fun with her f-buddy and keep you on the side. They're going to be so proud of their little girl.

[CFM]

4 days until I get back now. Things have continued to be rocky, exactly like people had said though, she comes to me with the real issues and has her fun elsewhere. Fine tuning my escape plan now - I'm starting to think she really has some screws loose and not sure what to expect.

 

Question though, maybe someone would know.. If I bought a laptop for "us" to use a couple of months ago and she has had it in her possession, is it 100% legal for me to take it? It wasn't a gift for any specific occasion, just that she needed a laptop at the time and we were going to share it for school since I needed a new one too. I paid for it with a credit card in my name, but it was shipped to her address (due to me being in Iraq). Just wondering if anything can backfire legally when I take what belongs to me.

[jenifer1972]

If you have the receipt for it, just take it when you see her. Don't tell her, just take it. It will be 'he said, she said', hearsay that it was for 'both of you', and you have the receipt to back up that it is yours...

[Engadget]

Yep she stopped giving a **** about you, which I always found messed up when a woman is married/dating someone deployed overseas. It screwed my friend up really bad when he went to Iraq and his girl cheated and left him too. If you can't handle the distance/time apart, don't agree to be together. Making someone think you'll be there when they finally get back and then bailing is cowardly.

 

My ex pulled the same crap yours did. It started the same way too, except I had enough of her, kicked her out and told her there was no chance in hell we'd ever be friends. She used the same BS lines yours did too. "I still love you" "I just like him" etc etc.

 

It's all crap and women are too cowardly to just say it outright a lot of the time.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think cowards are too cowardly to say it most of the time. Cowardice knows no gender.

 

Good luck man. You totally can get the laptop.