SJ803 Posted January 19, 2004 Posted January 19, 2004 Ok, I have been dating this guy for about 4 months. He's 8 years older than me, I'm 24. We didn't see eachother that often and we became intimate really fast and had sex not too far in after we met. I was a virgin and he knew it but I really liked him and felt it was right. Well towards the end he started to call less but always called me back and told me he would get together with me and he usually would. Well the last time I seen him I thought about a few things that may have went wrong. First off I never offered to pay when we went out, and that's not like me. I always offer but with this guy I never did and I liked him more than any other guy I went out with. Then I started to back off and not show I was as interested, I was being very casual. He was always the not so serious type, or as he seemed. I remember him saying something about liking independant women which I never really showed I was around him. We also didn't really discuss our feeling towards eachother either. He has been unemployed for quite a while now and is also having a hard time paying the rent. So I went away a few days after I last seen him and was away for 3 weeks. I called him a few times while I was away as he did with me when he went away at one time during our dating, but he never returned my calls while I was away. I called about 3 times and one time when I did call he answered and told me he would call back and then he never did. I had asked him while I was away on a voice mail of his to come out with me and my friends for my birthday. He didn't call until a few days after I got back and on the day I'm supposed to go out for my birthday he called me and told me that he may not be able to make it and that he wanted to call me either way. So he didn't show up, didn't even say happy birthday. So I didn't call him after that. A week went by and then I get a call late at night and I didn't get to answer so he leaves a message telling me that he was sorry that he hasn't been returning my calls. He said that he has a lot going on in his life right now, then he says there's a good chance he might be leaving the state, he said he doesn't know but he might. Then he says, "So I cant (and stumbles nervously after sounding happy and calm at the first of the voice mail), I can't get, I can't, it's hard for me to focus on a relationship right now." Then he says, "I don't know, but if you want to talk you can give me a call". Then he says, "ok, talk to you later, bye". That's it. (Why did he call so late? Then after he called he shut his phone right off because I tried calling him not even 15 minutes after that, was he trying to avoid talking to me?)So I call 2 days later and he ignores my call and I don't leave a message either. So I call an hour later and he shuts off his phone (or so it seems because this time it only rings twice, then my message cuts out so I call back and it doesn't ring and goes straight to his voice mail) so I leave a message telling him it's ok, not to be sorry for not calling, and not to worry about a relationship and that I didn't think he had to focus on it or that there was even one. I also told him I hoped everything worked out for the best for him. I told him if he wanted to call me anytime he could, and I said that I'd talk to him later and then said bye. Then I called back on another phone with a different number like 20 minutes later and his phone is on again and he answers, so I hang up right away without saying anything all mad that he was really ignoring me. So then I call back a few hours later from the phone I always call him with again and he doesn't answer after it rings, so he must be screening his calls because he has caller ID. The I decide to call back like 2 days later and the phone rings and rings again and it goes to his voice mail, so he must be screening his calls. So he must be ignoring me. What do you think? Is it over? Is he really still interested but confused? Did I say the wrong things? What can I do to atleast not lose him for good? Is there anything I can say or do? I know he might move too so I would like to keep in touch with him. Am I too blind to see that he doesn't want to be bothered or is there a chance I can save this to atleast be friends or maybe more? Sorry if this was so long, I'm just feeling really hurt right now. And I never really called as much as I did in one day like that. I just wanted to tell him how I always felt even if it is over but he's not giving me the chance. Thanks for listening, any advice would be appreciated.
clia Posted January 19, 2004 Posted January 19, 2004 Is it over? Yes. Is he really still interested but confused? No. It's over. Did I say the wrong things? No. What can I do to atleast not lose him for good? Too late. He's not returning your calls. It's over. Is there anything I can say or do? No. It's over. Am I too blind to see that he doesn't want to be bothered or is there a chance I can save this to atleast be friends or maybe more? You are in denial. He has been pulling away and broke up with you. He is not answering your calls. It does not appear that he cares to remain friends or anything else. Move on.
SoleMate Posted January 19, 2004 Posted January 19, 2004 Clia is right, I can't say it any better than that. As for advice...forget this user/loser. And quit screwing around with his type. He was way too old for you and quite a calculated user as well. How about focussing on your own family, and studies and platonic freindships for a while? Is that even a possibility?
Prettyangel Posted January 19, 2004 Posted January 19, 2004 Men in general are to chicken to say clearly that is OVER! They like to show by ACTIONS! So I think you want to look at HIS ACTIONS! and there is your answer sweetie. It hurts yes it does , however , this has to do with YOU. Why would you put up with such a awful behavior? What is going on with you inside that you feel so little of you to want to have someone this awful in your life? Maybe don't b so understanding to his needs. You have a right to be angry! Could it be that this man is married? and you do not know about it? Could it be he is with someone else and you do not know about it? You are worth so much and you deserve the very best. Learn to let go, I mean really let go! If he is sincere and honest and truly cares for you other then having had sex with you (you were a virgin-men are hunters they love to conquer a virgin, especially older men) he will be back. If he doesen't come back be glad you rid of him because from what you told us here it seems like he is a looser. When someone loves you, they don't treat you this bad. Love is not pain regardless to what society says today. All this I need you, I miss you is a bunch of bull. It is man made stuff we tend to believe. Love yourself. Respect yourself sweetie. Don't give anyone so much power over you. You right, men do love independent women, however you are not behaving like one by non stop calling him. There is nothing to talk about, he is showing you what it is all about. 4 month is not enough time to get to know someone. So far as you sleeping with him, that was your choice and that is ok as long as it was ok with you. However, you may want to wait the next time until you know the man you with. If he is for real, he will wait for sex with you. Your body is precious and your love is a gift not an obligation. There are plenty of wonderful guys out there, don't ruin your life on one that seems to have a lot of problems. Have you ever heard the word insane? when we do something over and over again and we get the same resultINSANITY! Get yourself some literature and learn to value yourself more. A breakup is very harsh but when it involves your life to such an extend than it becomes sick. This man has no clue and do you really want a man in your life that is so hard to track down to just even talk with you? IGNORING=ABUSE! He does not have your best interest in mind. He is selfish. The calls you are getting are guilt calls trust me. He knows how bad he treated you. He calls to make himself feel better which he does when you being all understanding and tell him it is ok! Are you not mad? Than why do you tell him it is ok and that he can call you anytime? See what I mean. Tell him you mad and that his behavior is not acceptable with you and hang up and go on about your life. Yes it is hard but you will live girl. Remember something very important...........men are hunters......if you chase them ...... they loose interest and turn away......but if you let them hunt you( and I don't mean playing games)...you be amazed what happens. Get some books on relationships, on men, what they want , feel and think. Men are like women, we all the same, we all want the same. It is all about truly understanding a man. You will learn how to avoid losers and men that will not ever commit to you or a healthy relationship. I wish you the best. God Bless (hug)
Arabess Posted January 19, 2004 Posted January 19, 2004 You can spend a whole lot of time on "what if's' and 'why?'.....but the bottom line is....what Clia posted is true. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or that you even did anything wrong.....it just means the relationship isn't right for him anymore. Sure, an explanation would be nice.....but it wouldn't change the end result. Therefore, the best thing to do is learn to live with the fact that it isn't going to work.....and move on. I'm sorry....cause a heartbreak and disappointment is hard to deal with. Everyone has to face it at one time or another though. They DO get over it.....and life moves on..
Samson Posted January 19, 2004 Posted January 19, 2004 Men in general are to chicken to say clearly that is OVER! They like to show by ACTIONS! I agree, although as a male, I'd probably find some euphemism for "chicken." Grey would have us believe that us "Martians" are usually incapable of most meaningful verbal communications, including ending relationships because.........., well, we're Martians! Hardwired by nature and trained by nurture to be closed mouthed stoics. I'm not even sure the concept of "over" is in our little minds, much less our limited vocabulary. Excerpt from Martian/Venesian Translational Dictionary Over; adj. e.g. "Over-the-Hill," and Over a relationship. A temporary state of interrupted interaction lasting between one day and three decades: the possibility of resuming interaction is always present, however improbable.
Author SJ803 Posted January 20, 2004 Author Posted January 20, 2004 Thank you everyone for all your posts. The hardest part is never seeing the person again, the memories and the idea of this year when that lovely time rolls around when we met and were together. It is very hard and hurts worse than any pain in the world, but I understand that i have to move on no matter how much pain I feel. I can't change his feelings, I can't change the situation ( I could try but it would get me nowhere, I believe that). I can only change myself. I wake up every morning remembering and crying and hurting. It doesn't get easier everyday, not yet. One day I hope it does. For now I will focus on myself and what I want out of life and make those things happen. If I keep thinking about him, and when he's leaving the state, and when he'll finally move, i'll drive myself nuts. I believe if I focus more on myself and start to do for myself I will appreciate it more and the outcome, no matter how long it takes to get to where I want in life will be the greatest reward. All this pain can be turned into something positive. A big change in my life is in order and necessary. I take his breaking up as a motive to change my life, myself and take action. I'll still hurt until I can heal. I'm trying my hardest to accept it's over but I will make it I know that. But it does hurt... Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate all the advice and comments, thank you again.
Recommended Posts