Bubbles26 Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 My bf of 2 years just walked out on me. Literally. I was getting ready for work march 27th and he looks at me and says, "babe, you know this isnt working? Im leaving, and have somewhere to go" I was blown away, livid, hurt, upset, confused, I dont even know. I ended up calling out of work, and he started packing his things. He was gone by that evening. His reasons are that we are too different, but then tried to say we were too alike when I pointed out things we both enjoy. He then said he loved me but isnt in love with me, that he tried, but it wasnt there. In the 3 weeks since, we've spoken a few times, mostly to get his things I keep finding everywhere, and a couple of times because my kids wanted to talk to him and then we would start talking a bit, mainly about them and how they're doing. I wanted to and knew I should go no contact but it seemed unreal, like it shouldnt be happening. We share a phone account so when it was time to pay the bill he insisted on meeting me there, then asking us to dinner, during which he said he misses me, us, and then we planned for him to come over to watch one of our old shows together that evening. SO he's over, and we watch the show, and of course I cuddle up like I wouldve if we were still together, and one thing leads to another and we ended up sleeping together. It was passionate, more so than it had been in forever...it blew my mind, and for some reason I was convinced that that act had meant he still loves me. I am a grown woman and cannot rationalize why I had reverted back to my teens to even think something like that. Boy was I wrong! Its been 3 days and he's pulled away more than before, giving me simple one line responses to texts, not even answering some. I know I shouldnt even be trying but I cant let go. Tonight I asked him to tell me why? He simply said "Ive gone over this, Im done and dont wanna talk about it again." So I responded that he could find the rest of his things outside, that staying in contact was not helping, that I would be sure to pay my part of the phone bill to not contact me about it. And he simply said ok. Im so hurt. I dont understand. This is rediculously hard. Ive been in relationships before and let go no problem. But my kids were never involved in those. I mean he took my daughter to a father daughter princess ball in feb...Ive never let anyone so close to my kids. And they, by the way, are handling this way better than I am. I think they enoy having just me again. I just dont see what I did so wrong... Any advice, kind words, and help is greatly appreciated. If anyone can figure out how someone can become completely disposable overnight, please clue me in. Is it worth it to keep trying to get closure in this situation, or should I just let it go?
EthanH Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 wow, sheesh. I have been replying to a few posts on here, and I have to say this is the saddest. ok, i guess there are a few questions I have to ask. Namely, before he ended it, were things good? Did you have problems and if so what were they? I think the only way to act is to just try to move on. I have just had one of the most messy of break-ups imaginable, and if someone tells me to move on, I tell them to move on, lol, but in the end, what else can you do? Trying to get him to return has not worked, if anything, it has made you less attractive to him. I had exactly the same situation, whereby my ex split with me, and then she suggested she was unsure about things, we slept together twice, the last time being last wednesday afternoon, and then she kissed a guy in a club on wednesday night and then was convinced it was over again. So it is clear that people can change their minds very quickly! The stark truth is, despite the fact that both of our ex's still probably care about us, it is mostly about them feeling better by sleeping with us...they want comfort, and as soon as they have got it, they move on. I'm sure he isn't meaning to hurt you, but you have to realise that he is. A friend said something pretty valuable to me tonight... 'you go through life doing things which you want. Some of those things you might want but you have to say 'no' to, as you know they aren't good for you. So you love chocolate cake, but you know if you eat a whole one you will be sick or will get fat'... There are things you want, which aren't good for you and thus you say no...
Author Bubbles26 Posted April 19, 2010 Author Posted April 19, 2010 EthanH, before he dropped this on me that day, things werent exactly great. We were having little spats about roles in the household, him thinking the woman takes care of everything, behind the man and children...I, on the other hand, grew up with equal housework and respect for everyone. From that issue stemmed another set of disagreements about splitting bills and my reasoning was if we're expected to split bills, why would we not split housework. He was making me feel like a roommate/housekeeper, rather than his woman, his partner in life. Im a mother of 2, ages 8 and 9, and have no problem taking care of them, have been doing it on my own their whole lives, and didnt expect him take care of them, ie pay for clothes or extracurricular activities or even pick up after them...even they know to pick up after themselves. ugh So the sex started to suffer...who wants to be intimate with someone who thinks you lazy for not wanting to go behind him and pick up his clothes, dirty dishes, hair from the bathroom sink? I knew it was doomed, because no matter what reasoning I tried to express, he didnt seem to be able to think any other way than his, the arguements would get dropped as quicky as it started, and things would be fine. Or so I thought...he never got emotional, never acted like any of our issues were affecting him, so things wold just go on, no conflict, so I thought we were getting somewhere. The 2 days before he left he was doing laundry...I thought he was taking annitiative, helping me out by doing laundry...in all actuality he was making sure all his things were washed and ready for his departure. I mean really =/ I was duped! He played me for a fool... There is a five year age difference between us, me being older. I know he just bailed because it is beyond him in maturity, or maybe Im senile and so used to my own way of doing and perceiving things that I pushed him away. I guess I know I was just setting myself up for this, but it still sucks to know I wasted this time with someone. What is it in me that makes me hold on and hold on, even when I know its wrong? Even now, him being so nonchalant about or breakup, saying simply ok to me going no contact, it hurts, and I feel like an idiot =( I know Ill never do this to myself or my children again...
EthanH Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 ok, I just woke up and I feel the worst I have ever felt. This is the most pain I have ever felt about anything. But I'm going to reply to your post, as I feel a slight similarity in how I'm feeling. The thing which struck a chord with me was when you said about what it is that makes you 'hold on'. It is a natural feelings, if relationships were always so easy to get over, why would they ever stay together, you could just hop to another person after any negativity with your current partner, after an argument no matter how small. You stayed with him because you loved him. However, you have to realise that he probably stopped loving you a long time before you split. I realise now that it is that which is what allowed him to seem so cold about things. Whereas you were still valuing him, he was probably taking every negative out of every situation, things which he wouldn't have noticed now got to him, and convinced him that things were bad. I think it is when you get in that mindset, it is impossible to get out of. Maybe he had some days when he doubted his thoughts, but on the whole, he must have felt negative more days than most. But when you look at it, the things you fell out over, they were minute things in the big scheme of things. It was based around the fact that he didn't respect you anymore. I can understand why the sex suffered, but that is a vicious circle with one ending. I say, stay strong, tell yourself that it wasn't meant to be, and move on. Why should you shut yourself off from meeting someone else because of this? Why should you and your kids miss out from having a really great husband/step-father in their lives? Granted you could meet another guy who does the same, but there is just as much chance you will meet a guy who will be better than this guy. One thing you can say for sure is you have 0% chance of being happy with anyone if you dismiss the idea of at least seeing if there is is a guy out there who is right. I know frankly, what I have written will just be seen as too idealistic, someone could say anything to me at the moment, the fact is, I hate this whole 'you will be fine' chat... as at the moment, I'm still in love with my ex. But one thing I have realised about break-ups is at the time, you ignore all of what everyone says to you, but in time, you realise there is a reason why everyone is saying the same thing, because usually they are right! Hope things begin to look up for you!
Cantcope Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 I'm so sorry for your hurt. I'm going through something similar and would love to chat with you. Please email me if you will. [email protected] I hope to hear from you. Maybe we can help eachother! Jana
Author Bubbles26 Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 Nothing you said seemed too idealistic EthanH...far from it. It makes perfect sense, and I appreciate your insight. I've done better today, got to vent with a friend and listen to good words of advice this afternoon. I know he had to have checked out a while ago..who knows really how long. And at this point I can say that Im over trying to figure it out. Im done. I canceled my line on his phone account yesterday, and informed him the rest of his things were on my porch, that I would be home later, to get his stuff while I was gone, and to leave me my things. He didnt seem to like that too much, started copping an attitude, even called me a f-ing bitch when I was trying to get the password to the phone account so I could port my number. Why should it have bothered him so much? Everything he was doing was pointing towards the fact that he could give two craps about me, so why the harsh words? I'm going to get over this, and the past couple days have brought me closer. I know there are decent people out there, understanding people, willing to communicate and love me and mine for who we are =) This fella will not leave me jaded. It may take a little while, but I know now theres no need to try to keep someone around who doesnt wan tto be kept around. I've got good friends and the best kids in the world to remind me of my worth. I just got clouded... Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post. I wish you luck in love and life...dont let em get you down!
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