He's ignoring me since our fight...did we break up? when they don't say so?

[nauum]

Well to make the long story short my BF (37 yrs old divorced no kids) and I (37) have been dating for 3 months. He did come on strong in the beginning with tons of dates, compliments, etc, but in the last few weeks it seems that everything else (golf drinking hanging with buddies) is way more important and I have brought that up a few times that I don't feel like I'm a priority or that he truly wants a relationship but he never wants to talk and pretty much shushes me down.

 

Anyway, we did get into a stupid fight two weekends ago (my ex called while we were at dinner and I didn't answer but he kept calling) and I feel like he used it against me to have a foot out the door (not sure if I'm dealing with a committment phobic...I always do!) Anyway, after me apologizing all week long (not sure why actually) he ignored me wouldn't talk and only text me (rather rude messages about how he's evaluating if he still wants to be in the relationship) we did end up seeing each other last weekend.

 

For some odd reason, we proceeded to get into a fight bc he was late for a Sunday afternoon movie and fell asleep during it (this was after playing golf and having a few drinks with the golf guys). We went to a pub bar and ordered drinks and food and when I questioned why he fell asleep and that I was concerned that he drank too much with the boys after golf he stormed out of the restaurant and said he was done. I ran after him and he basically said, "No, you think I have a drinking problem and since I'm a drunk...why would you want to be with me". He drove off, I kept texting and finally he came back in and we didn't say a word through dinner.

 

This whole past week we haven't talked on the phone and he has only text like twice stupid messages or jokes...NOTHING ELSE SAID about our lack of communication or our fights. Now, its the weekend and actually the first weekend we haven't hung together or he hasn't even texted.

 

What the heck should I do? Did he just split without saying goodbye or does he need that "guy" time to cool off? I did though send a text on Wed. night saying that it's OK if he wants to split but that he needs to tell me and that I'm tired of gluing this together, visiting him, wanting more. He never responded to that, but did send a stupid joke a day later. I really don't want to deal with someone who I thought cared and now is turning into someone I don't even know and is like a snake, but to not even text or call? What do you all think?

 

Lynne

[SadKitty78]

Tell him he cannot keep you in this holding pattern. Either he wants to work it through, end it, or not talk to you right now, he has to tell you what it is that he wants. If he needs some space, then he needs to tell you that. Simply ignoring you isn't sufficient.

[kellers4]

I have been ignored for the past week, similar story fight then silence, actually I dont even know its a fight , I simply gave my view

It is the most horrible feeling I cannot understand how a man of almost 40 years of age can simply ignore me totally.

[Ronni_W]

Lynne,

The relationship stopped working for you, by the sounds of it. Why not make your own decision about whether this is really the type of partner and relationship you want and deserve -- the real person and the actual relationship as it now is...not the promise and potential, and how it started out.

 

I'd suggest that his drinking problem is something that he himself has started to suspect and be concerned about, but is not yet ready to face -- that's another reason he reacted so strongly when you mentioned it (in addition to possibly using it as his excuse to end things.)

And, yes -- the way he's handled himself since is immature and maladaptive.

 

In the early stages of a relationship, we all do put our 'best foot forward' -- but your more recent experiences reflect him in his more-normal, less guarded state. This is how it's gonna look, until he decides to address his own issues and problems, if he ever decides to do that.

But YOU get to decide if you want more of the same, for whatever length of time before he does some personal development work...or not.

 

You totally have the power and the right to consider your own needs, wishes and long-term desires and happiness, and to take matters into your own hands. I wouldn't leave such important matters up to him.

 

Hugs, and best of luck.

[nauum]

Ok thanks for all the advice...since I am a person who needs to talk what do you all think of my saying what SadKitty said.....and then let it go. He probably won't pick up the phone but I'll leave that message.

 

lynne

[SadKitty78]

Ok thanks for all the advice...since I am a person who needs to talk what do you all think of my saying what SadKitty said.....and then let it go. He probably won't pick up the phone but I'll leave that message.

 

lynne

 

 

My ex used to do this after our fights, until the last time when he dumped me. But the point is, he has a right to want his space, but he just cannot leave you in the dark. You have a right to know what it is that he wants. Even if he wants space and to not talk to you right now, a simple text informing you he wants space is sufficient. With that said, you have choices as well. If you want to break up with him, you can also let him know, but this is what I said to my ex:

 

"Listen, I know you're obviously upset right now. But I cannot be in this holding pattern so let me know if you want to work on this, end it, or just want your space. But whatever it is, please let me know, even if it is just you wanting space and not talking to me right now."

 

This works if you want to defer the decision making to him. Like I said, you can always just break up with him if you want, but you can't force him to talk if he doesn't want to right now. However he cannot just give you the silent treatment. That is unfair.

[nauum]

Ok so said your message of no holding pattern and make a decision (Sad Kitty) in a text and got no reply...guess I should end it today...but how.. over text? He won't pick up the phone and I don't want to leave a message...maybe email and how would you say it.....like its over forever or leave on a good note thanking him for the times...no grudges and if things ever change he knows where to find me?

[SadKitty78]

Ok so said your message of no holding pattern and make a decision (Sad Kitty) in a text and got no reply...guess I should end it today...but how.. over text? He won't pick up the phone and I don't want to leave a message...maybe email and how would you say it.....like its over forever or leave on a good note thanking him for the times...no grudges and if things ever change he knows where to find me?

 

Wow, he's really selfish to just continue to ignore you like that esp. when you guys have been going out for three months. I'd give him some more time to respond, maybe leave him a voicemail and if he still doesn't respond, then what do you want to do? Do you want him to have the power to dictate how he wants things to go, even as childish as ignoring you? If you want to break up with him, I suggest leaving him a voicemail saying you need to talk and if he still doesn't respond, he's playing games and if it were me, I'd call and if no answer, I'd just dump him by voicemail or email. I mean, what other alternative do you have? Wow, he is worse than my ex in this ignoring game. My ex actually would let me know he didn't want to talk to me and needed time to himself when we got into fights. The last it happened we broke up but at least I knew where I stood.

[nauum]

Update is that he texted me and said I should just move on...then when I asked to talk about it..said maybe in a few days.

 

 

OK so just went to my therapist and I feel horrible. She feels that the breakup (that is pending or has occured??) was 50/50 fault. I questioned why it my fault and she said that in the last few group sessions (we also meet in a group) that she has noticed that I excite easily, get louder, etc. She said I did act inappriorpriately in NYC (it was our 1st little quarrel) when these guys at a bar just started cutting in front of me to get a drink and said a few words to me. I answered them back (for once in my life) but this guy didn't like it and told me. Next incident was when my ex called three weeks when we were at dinner and afterwards he kept calling and finally at the end of the night...when this guy didn't want to talk...I kept trying to get him to talk (he wanted to go to sleep but I wanted to explain why I didn't pick up to tell the ex off). Then the last incident was two weeks ago when he fell asleep during the movie and I said, " What did you drink after golf...do you have a drinking problem?"

 

Ok I explained to her that all my life I"ve been passive and maybe took too much crap from other BF's and was just speaking up...but she says he took note of all these incidents and has probably said to himself, "This woman is very explosive...too much drama". I guess I can see some of this but he doesn't talk...and had been backing off before that...so he pushes my buttons too.

 

Here's my question...I now feel like at least acknowledging that I did those things..I mean I don't want to apologize bc it would only confirm his crazy ideas but if I do send a short email over the weekend thanking him for our time together...I feel as though I want to mention that I spoke to a friend and she pointed these things out...and that I know I may have not handled the situations correctly...NOT to keep him...NO begging, pleading, (I'm NEVER done that in any breakup) but just to include it.

 

I know many of you are saying...JUST WALK AWAY...but I do have to say a goodbye...that's me. What would your email sound like?

[2sunny]

my email would state... "have a nice life"

 

 

that's it. no need for detail... just the end result which is basically "kiss off" in a nicer way.

[nauum]

UPDATE: So I let it go for a few days and then with no pressure sent him a text that I would be in his area for a doctor appt and if he wanted to meet up for a drink fine...if not..fine too. So, he actually did say yes, and we met up.

 

Here's where it gets WEIRD?!?!

 

So we met up and I didn't want to nag him to talk and thought I'd let him speak up first if he wanted to break..long story short...we end up laughing, chatting over drinks for two hours and nothing is said. We walked out to our cars..I mentioned I had some clothes of his that were left at my house that I washed...I gave them to him...then thanked him for coming out...and as I got into my car he said to text him when I get home safe (we live 40 min away). Before, I got home he texted he got home safe...then I did the same when I got home.

 

So, we have this MAJOR elephant or monkey in the room...and nobody says anything. If he wanted to split...then why meet me and on top of that...say nothing. I haven't heard from him today but I didn't send anything either. So, I'm left wondering...what just happened? I felt proud of myself that I didn't give him the satisfaction of talking or didn't try to be a nag...but we both acted like nothing happened.

 

Wondering if thinks he has one up? I did give him his clothes so he knows I was prepared to split...but just weird. What do you all think? Really thought at the last minute he'd give the "it just isn't working" talk...but didn't...never have had this happen with a guy.

[silverfish]

Well you're lucky then...it's not that uncommon in immature men which is what this guy is. I'm sure he'll keep you around as long as you let him so just don't unles that's what you want from a relationship.

[nauum]

Final email since he said he would talk last night but never called back...thoughts/comments..any parts to delete?

 

Ok easier this way for now and my fingers were killing me last night. I hope this message finds you well and will be my final thoughts unless I hear your thoughts on this. As I said, I'm not expecting a response...just wanted you to hear me out...but if you choose to express them...I will listen and respect them. What I'm trying to say is that I've been thinking about the last few weeks and about some of the situations we've been in. After sitting down and trying to understand things from your point of view, I can see why you've been cautious and more guarded. I wasn't right throwing that fit the night after sushi and I know you were trying to help fix the situation though I didn't hear of it then. I also look back on the movie theater day and realize how wrong it was for me to say what I did. I know I wasn't truly directing that comment at you...but rather probably have some past issues that triggered my response. I guess I was upset that you fell asleep..though I realize now that you were truly tired and had probably been up since 6. I too, would be offended if I was accused of being an alcoholic...so I truly wanted to apologize. On the other hand, I respect the fact that you probably want things over, but would have at least liked to hear your thoughts and have a proper goodbye.

 

 

Nonetheless, relationships are not perfect and will always have bumps in the road. It's working through these bumps and both partners taking responsibility that separates the good from the bad. I also know from past experience that it's very easy to discount the relationship and think that the whole thing is damaged from a few minor bumps and just run from it. It's even easier to think the grass will be greener with someone new (not saying you have...but I'm not dumb..it could be a possibility..who knows?) ...but that always seems to lead to hopping from one person to another looking for that rush you get in the beginning and looking for something perfect and then wondering why it didn't work and why you don't have happiness. It may even be that you feel that we moved too quickly and you may have gotten scared... .but if you remember from the beginning I was the hesitant one (because of past committment issues I've been working on) and wanted to get to know each other slowly.

 

 

Anyway...since I haven't heard your thoughts on this, I'm left trying to figure out (besides the few scenarios) what happened without trying to assume what your thoughts are or put words in your mouth.

At this point, I guess it’s now up to me to say goodbye since the way you are acting leaves me no other choice. I've done my part and have tried to text and call and can walk away knowing I did everything I could, but won't be any longer. I respect your decision (if it is final) for whatever reasons you had and want to thank you for the good times and some memories we made. It was too bad we couldn’t make more, and maybe someday if you want to talk and clear the slate, it could be a possibility if I'm not dating anyone but at this point...I know this is not working out for me either and agree with the split. I do wish you luck in the future and will remember our passionate sexual times, our trips to AC, being snowed in during those snowstorms, and little Lucy Lou. Hopefully someday you find what you’re looking for and have the happiness you talked about.