thought this was a supportive site...disappointed

[soleharmony1123]

You know, it goes lost on me how some seemed rather supportive while I was grieving my relationship with my ex....until one member who shall remain nameless nastily & blatantly drew out the fact that my ex was "confined" and then further tried to be insulting by stating I'm in the legal field as if that has anything to do with my choice to pursue a relationship with my best friend who happened to have been confined (YES, LOCKED UP...IN THE JOINT...whatever), and by slanderously implying that his own mother said he was a jerk, of which she said nothing of the kind. That jaded member also twisted what I said in my post at that time, to which I refused to cower down to his negative energy.

 

As I stated before my ex is no longer in prison and has become a productive member of society. He has a job now and is doing every thing he needs to do to remain a productive individual. I came on this site a few months ago seeking support and in some instances, I received support...before you all discovered he's an ex-con. Yet I’m the one who was seeking support on this site – not him.

 

He's an ex-con who has paid his dues to society while he productively served his time. But some on this site are really dealing with the lowest of scumbags yet many respond on post after post in that type situation. My ex hasn't cheated on me, he's not slapping me around, he's not and never has called me all types of B's and C's and all the other disrespectful terms I've read of some being called on this site. He's not telling me I'm crazy or I have issues or need therapy when he's the one who needs it or the other way around. Instead, he's a man who simply came out of prison bewildered at the fact that he now has freedom after 15 years and suddenly realized he didn't know what he wanted to do with that freedom. He knew that without a job he wouldn't be able to support me and take care of a family - my family and his 2 children. He knew I held him to a higher standard and was going to continue to hold him to a higher standard because of who I KNOW he is and what he can accomplish. I've made some assumptions that have now been confirmed as untrue. The main thing on his mind these past few months he's been out is finding a job. He's been disappointed at times and felt like giving up...but he'd gotten back in the ranks and continued to pound the pavement looking for a job until he secured one.

 

I now realize his phone calls were his way of continuing to reach out to me the whole time...of continuing to hold onto me and, in some ways, the relationship...not because he wanted to play me or use me, but because of our bond and the fact that I'm all he really has right now. In his mind, he could do that --because he said he needed a "break" from our relationship and never said it was over (even when I asked him to just come out and say it was over because what's a break?). Instead, he insisted he needed a "break" to figure things out and how was he going to be a husband to me if he couldn't take care of me...that he needed to find a job and then work from there. That statement alone tells me his thought process even then was more about US than just about him. Problem is I wasn’t listening nor really hearing what he was saying to me.

 

Now he has found a job, and he's starting to feel like a man again. I can hear confidence taking root in the sound of his voice. It's a beautiful sound...he couldn't rest until he shared his news with me and I was very happy for him. At first, I wouldn't take his call, I texted him a “congratulations – so proud of you – you did it Man!” after he left a message for me. Later, I decided that was a major accomplishment not to be ignored, so I called him. He happily gave an account of the past few weeks and how he got the job. I congratulated him again. Then he said “Sole, can I ask you something – what made you call me back? I explained that his news deserved more than just a text message and I wanted him to know how proud I am of his accomplishment, and the fact that he acknowledged that he appreciated my help. He had sent me a text the other day thanking me for all my help. I sensed slight disappointment in his voice at my reason for calling (of course I was lying). When I ended the conversation he said he loved me, I said okay…to which he repeated “Sole, I said I love you. I wouldn’t say it. Just told him to take care and I’d talk to him later.

 

Yesterday, I called him to say “happy Friday, commend him again and wish him a good weekend. He asked how I was doing and if everything was okay; said I had been listening to all his news, but hadn’t said much about what’s going on with me. I said I’m fine, I just wanted to give him a call. He repeated that aloud to himself as if he was making it register. We talked a few minutes and then I ended the conversation. A few seconds later, I received a text message from him saying “thank you for calling me, you really made my day.” To which I replied “it made mine too – I love you.” He responded back “I love u more.”

 

Now, I’m not all delusional and running out to buy my wedding dress…I’m not believing that we’re getting back together, but I’m acknowledging that I could tell him I love you and it didn’t break my heart to say it. I don’t know if that’s healing, but it didn’t feel bad at all.

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

Then there’s this week’s phone calls that I must consider – sounds like he’s still reaching out to me but just doesn’t know how to bring things back together. That’s why I tried to give a little “incentive” but can offer no more than that. Someone posted a response recently that stated “a man doesn’t contact his ex just to see how she’s doing unless he’s trying to rekindle the relationship or something.

[dreamingoftigers]

Good luck with things, I wouldn't let one person define a whole group.

[GrayClouds]

Support can mean encouragement to keep doing what your doing, other times support is someone questioning your assumptions. While the latter may not always be as welcomed, often it can be the most beneficial if one has the courage to accept it, beyond agreeing or disagreeing with it.

 

Your situation appears to be a complicated and nuanced situation. Looking at it from many angles as possible can only help.

 

Good luck. I wish you well.

 

.

[mickleb]

I responded to your last thread in this section, sole. I took the time to read through a lot of your older threads. I didn't base my response on the fact that this guy is in jail, at all.

 

The advice I gave you would have been the same if he had been some high-flying exec.

 

You didn't respond to my post.

 

I think you are overly-defensive of him, full-stop. You need to make sure you don't give up too much of yourself for anyone, in this life. I think you give more than you get with this guy. That's not fair.

 

Remember, this is a public forum and some people will post stuff that is not quite as sympathetic as you might wish, from time to time. If you feel someone in particular has been unfair, you can PM them or tell the mods. You don't need to assume that everyone on here places blanket judgment on people who have done some time. They don't.

 

Also, re-read some of your earlier posts yourself, so you can understand why some people on here might feel you are over-committed to this guy.

 

Anyway, hope this is helpful and you get what you deserve out of this situation. From what I've read, I don't think you've had that yet. At all.

 

x

[soleharmony1123]

Good luck with things, I wouldn't let one person define a whole group.

 

I had not -- until I read responses to my last post. It makes one wonder since no one had ever inquired before as to my ex's former "status" when I have always forthrightly described him as having been "confined for over 15 years."

 

There is also power in your statement "I wouldn't let one person define a whole group." I'll take it a step further and apply it to former inmates: there are former inmates who do not and have no desire to change while there are many others, such as my ex, who not only desire to change, but also take the steps to successfully do so...they can't all be raked into one pile, so to speak.

 

Likewise, I would like to believe I shouldn't be judged for choosing to continue to love a person I've known all my life despite his "status" in society. I didn't pick this man out of a prison pen pal ad, for goodness' sake.

 

I appreciate your response.

 

-Sole

[dreamingoftigers]

I had not -- until I read responses to my last post. It makes one wonder since no one had ever inquired before as to my ex's former "status" when I have always forthrightly described him as having been "confined for over 15 years."

 

There is also power in your statement "I wouldn't let one person define a whole group." I'll take it a step further and apply it to former inmates: there are former inmates who do not and have no desire to change while there are many others, such as my ex, who not only desire to change, but also take the steps to successfully do so...they can't all be raked into one pile, so to speak.

 

Likewise, I would like to believe I shouldn't be judged for choosing to continue to love a person I've known all my life despite his "status" in society. I didn't pick this man out of a prison pen pal ad, for goodness' sake.

 

I appreciate your response.

 

-Sole

 

hun I hear you. My H and I are both Sex Addicts. I didn't know until last year and we have been together almost 5 years. It wasn't like when we were dating he kept posters up on the wall or dated anyone else I was aware of. Try telling anyone that and they look at you like you've got three heads for ever getting together with someone with a problem. I just thought when we started a physical relationship that I had hit the jackpot LOL

[soleharmony1123]

hun I hear you. My H and I are both Sex Addicts. I didn't know until last year and we have been together almost 5 years. It wasn't like when we were dating he kept posters up on the wall or dated anyone else I was aware of. Try telling anyone that and they look at you like you've got three heads for ever getting together with someone with a problem. I just thought when we started a physical relationship that I had hit the jackpot LOL

 

Right, we don't always go out and really choose who we grow in love with. I say "grow" because I don't believe people "fall" in love. Love takes time.

 

May I ask if your H deliberately withheld information regarding his addiction? Were you upfront with him about yours? No need to elaborate if you feel uncomfortable, but I was just curious.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

-Sole

[soleharmony1123]

I responded to your last thread in this section, sole. I took the time to read through a lot of your older threads. I didn't base my response on the fact that this guy is in jail, at all.

 

The advice I gave you would have been the same if he had been some high-flying exec.

 

You didn't respond to my post.

 

I think you are overly-defensive of him, full-stop. You need to make sure you don't give up too much of yourself for anyone, in this life. I think you give more than you get with this guy. That's not fair.

 

Remember, this is a public forum and some people will post stuff that is not quite as sympathetic as you might wish, from time to time. If you feel someone in particular has been unfair, you can PM them or tell the mods. You don't need to assume that everyone on here places blanket judgment on people who have done some time. They don't.

 

Also, re-read some of your earlier posts yourself, so you can understand why some people on here might feel you are over-committed to this guy.

 

Anyway, hope this is helpful and you get what you deserve out of this situation. From what I've read, I don't think you've had that yet. At all.

 

x

 

MickleB if it seems I'm defensive overly-so, maybe it's true and I make no apologies for that. Someone has to stand in his defense as an ex-con. Now, as far as the relationship thing goes, I've posted not a harsh picture of my ex, but the realities of what has been happening. Many have seen it as being disrespectful of me that he continues to call me despite my past requests that he not.

 

But now, as I believe I stated in my post above, I realize that was simply his way of holding on to me the best way he knew how. He asked for a "break" from our relationship which to him meant just that, but to me it meant much more and I've operated along that m.o. On the other hand, he sees it as: "I've told Sole I need time to get my act together. I have no job, no money, I can't be a man in this relationship without the means to take care of myself nor her." Those who dispute with that (see Steve Harvey's book "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man").

 

Now that he has a job, I can hear the confidence returning to his voice." He sounds happy...he wasn't happy not having a job and simply being seen as an unemployed ex-con. While I saw myself as being "supportive" to him, often I was nothing more than a whiner or nagging him about not spending enough time with me or he was spending more time with family than me. Truth is/was, family and friends live much closer than I do, and not having money at the time for a $20 one way ticket on Amtrak to get out here to see me...well, that's understandable now. But it wasn't back when I began posting. Instead, I felt betrayed, neglected and more.

But the fact that I was feeling that way didn't make it true.

 

Again, in retrospect, I've been unfair in expecting so much of him too soon. He's taking baby steps...that's a start for someone who's been institutionalized - who has to re-learn behaviors that we take for granted. He's trying to show me he loves me...that I'm important to him...he's not a phone stalker - so his phone calls demonstrate, if nothing else, I was on his mind.

 

MickleB, thanks for responding, and again, I apologize for not responding to your post.

 

P.S. - Frankly, I've heard enough of the "have his cake and eat it too." What cake? All he wanted to do was talk to me and update me on what's going on with him...in his own way he wanted me to know he had not given up on us and he was trying to follow through on all our plans we had for his release.

 

 

-Sole

[soleharmony1123]

Support can mean encouragement to keep doing what your doing, other times support is someone questioning your assumptions. While the latter may not always be as welcomed, often it can be the most beneficial if one has the courage to accept it, beyond agreeing or disagreeing with it.

 

Your situation appears to be a complicated and nuanced situation. Looking at it from many angles as possible can only help.

 

Good luck. I wish you well.

 

.

 

Thanks, GrayClouds, I appreciate your viewpoint.

 

And you're right, it is a rather complicated and nuanced situation that requires analysis from various angles.

[mickleb]

Hey Sole -

 

The cake business was that he appeared to want his freedom and continued support from you, too.

 

When you tell someone you want a break from them, it leaves them hanging. It's not a nice thing to do.

 

If he hadn't given up on the relationship, I don't understand why he couldn't just say that. Say: 'I'm going off to find work but that doesn't mean I'm giving up on you. Can you support me in doing so?' Most partners would be able to do this, happy even.

 

I recall you being worried about him taking a woman on a trip with some money he'd come into. You shouldn't have to be thinking those thoughts. If he loved/loves you, he shouldn't put you through all that doubt and pain. He should have reassured you you two were together, even though he needed to spend some time away from you.

 

That's how I see it, anyway.

 

You understand that, by accepting him back after this 'break', that that will appear to give him license to take another one, if he feels the need? What are the rules around these breaks? Because, technically, he could be getting up to whatever he wants if you two are not 'together', couldn't he?

 

Hmmn. I'm concerned for your feelings being trampled on. I think you come across as a very generous spirit. You said before you didn't want to take money from him, even though he owed it to you and you desperately needed it. I get the impression you give. But it is important that you don't only give and that you get, in return.

 

Anyway, don't think this is a bad place. It's a pretty safe rock to wash up on. (We all washed up here, somehow. )

 

Take care.

 

x

[soleharmony1123]

Mickleb, you present a lot of valid points, indeed – you do.

 

However, some things I posted previously were merely presumptuousness or speculation on my part. Since the time of posting about the trip to Atlantic City, that was my assumption, not facts. I was angry that he told me about the trip to Atlantic City, and so assumed he was taking a woman when really I do not know if he did or didn't.

 

When you tell someone you want a break from them, it leaves them hanging. It's not a nice thing to do.

 

I agree - it's neither nice nor loving, but a man confined for over 15 years being under control of others and having to do what he was told to do without any retort or rebuttal wants nothing more than the very thing he's been deprived of for 15 years --- freedom. To a degree, I understand that now.

 

If he hadn't given up on the relationship, I don't understand why he couldn't just say that. Say: 'I'm going off to find work but that doesn't mean I'm giving up on you. Can you supporta b me in doing so?' Most partners would be able to do this, happy even.

 

I believe he wanted freedom more than he wanted me - and yes, I believe he wanted to have his cake and eat it too and possibly went out and has been experiencing being with women again after all these years. Of course, he did! many will say. That's why (as indicated in my earlier posts) although he asked for space and claimed it was just a break, I declared it a break-up which is undeniably what it was. Sure, he continued to call me, "checking in" so to speak, but it was because he wanted to be sure of what I was up to - maybe.

 

I agree with you that with a normal relationship (dynamics unlike the dynamics of this former relationship) the man would more than likely just ask the woman to be patient and understanding while he looked for work. If I was supportive of him all these years, what damage would a few more weeks or months of waiting for him to find a job do to the relationship? You’re right - that's not what he asked. He asked for space.

 

You understand that, by accepting him back after this 'break', that that will appear to give him license to take another one, if he feels the need? What are the rules around these breaks? Because, technically, he could be getting up to whatever he wants if you two are not 'together', couldn't he?

 

Whoa, Mickleb, slow your roll...I didn't say I was accepting him back. I said "Again, in retrospect, I've been unfair in expecting so much of him too soon. He's taking baby steps...that's a start for someone who's been institutionalized - who has to re-learn behaviors that we take for granted. He's trying to show me he loves me...that I'm important to him...he's not a phone stalker - so his phone calls demonstrate, if nothing else, I was on his mind."

 

I didn't say I was accepting of his behavior. I've gotta remain true to my stubborn and deeply-embedded loyalty genes. He could never be off the hook so quickly - I still feel betrayed. I'm just more open to trying to understand his viewpoint or where he was coming from - more open simply because he's been trying to acknowledge my feelings lately. That's just small beginnings. I'm big on giving commendations where due – but that doesn't mean I excuse previous negative behaviors.

 

Hmmn. I'm concerned for your feelings being trampled on. I think you come across as a very generous spirit. You said before you didn't want to take money from him, even though he owed it to you and you desperately needed it. I get the impression you give. But it is important that you don't only give and that you get, in return.

Thanks for being concerned about my feelings – really means a lot. In my previous post where I stated he owed the money to me was actually meant in the sense of what I’d done for him of my own free will – being there for him, driving over 400 miles to spend 4-5 hours with him during visits – not from him asking for money – it was stated out of anger…not that he actually owes me money. Again, I’ve always loved this man and whether he’s treated me poorly or not, I’d never be so ruthless as to demand a payback for my love & concern nor quote mileage, wear & tear on a vehicle and then demand payment in full. Again that was stated out of anger and hurt. Make sense?

 

 

-Sole

[dreamingoftigers]

Right, we don't always go out and really choose who we grow in love with. I say "grow" because I don't believe people "fall" in love. Love takes time.

 

May I ask if your H deliberately withheld information regarding his addiction? Were you upfront with him about yours? No need to elaborate if you feel uncomfortable, but I was just curious.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

-Sole

 

My H and I did not know that there was anything abnormal about our relationship. We didn't even know what sex addiction was until last year. We just knew life sucked a lot and that we had higher than normal sex drives. I knew that our relationship had turned "sexless" about two years ago and I threw a ton of effort into trying to renkindle everything but it just didn't happen. Sex Addiction was beyond the scope of the literature I was reading. He had already gotten compulsively hooked into other behaviour.

[soleharmony1123]

My H and I did not know that there was anything abnormal about our relationship. We didn't even know what sex addiction was until last year. We just knew life sucked a lot and that we had higher than normal sex drives. I knew that our relationship had turned "sexless" about two years ago and I threw a ton of effort into trying to renkindle everything but it just didn't happen. Sex Addiction was beyond the scope of the literature I was reading. He had already gotten compulsively hooked into other behaviour.

 

It seems you're aware of what your concerns are and you're conducting research and finding solutions to deal with it effectively within your marriage. That's commendable. From what I was reading last night, it's a stream of compulsive behaviors at different phases. (I won't list any here since I'm a "PG-13" writer....but you know what they are.

 

 

-Sole

Edited April 18, 2010 by soleharmony1123

[mickleb]

Thanks for ironing out some of the things that were unclear for me, Sole.

 

I agree - it's neither nice nor loving, but a man confined for over 15 years being under control of others and having to do what he was told to do without any retort or rebuttal wants nothing more than the very thing he's been deprived of for 15 years --- freedom. To a degree, I understand that now.

 

He's taking baby steps...that's a start for someone who's been institutionalized - who has to re-learn behaviors that we take for granted.

 

I do appreciate what you're saying, here. I wanted to let you know that.

 

Whoa, Mickleb, slow your roll...I didn't say I was accepting him back.

 

I didn't say I was accepting of his behavior. I've gotta remain true to my stubborn and deeply-embedded loyalty genes. He could never be off the hook so quickly - I still feel betrayed.

 

I'm big on giving commendations where due – but that doesn't mean I excuse previous negative behaviors.

 

This stuff helps me to see you're standing up for yourself. I'm really pleased you've outlined this, here.

 

I guess you're understanding this is a guy who simply wasn't ready to be in a committed relationship and tried to tell you that? And his reasons for not being ready are understandable.

 

However, it leaves you in a similar position to many others on here, who are debating the worth of their on-off commitment phobic 'partners'. Most of whom, come to understand that, for the sake of their own feelings, it is better to let their CP man go, so they can focus on their own life, without him - as nothing else is really guaranteed. They know that it comes down to the CP's choice between their freedom or them. And it can take some time for a CP to decide.

 

They also understand that by continuing to support their CP partner from afar, they are giving him the best of both worlds. Indeed, that it is usually only when a CP realises that they HAVE to make a choice between the two options, that they get the guts to do so. One way or another.

 

My opinion is that your guy should take the space he's asked for, get his sh*t together and when, and only when, he is ready to fully commit to you, get in touch. And maybe then, the two of you should work out your issues in some couples therapy. (Expensive, I know, but so is heartache.)

 

I think he may just take whatever he can get from you (and maybe some other ladies who are 'there' for him) and take longer in sorting his life out, if you continue to support him along the way.

 

I think this is the best option for you regarding reconciliation, if that's what you want. Otherwise, this situation could become messier and messier.

 

Oh, also just wanted to say I'm loving your turn of phrase: 'flip a wig' and 'hold your roll' just make delightful reading for me!

 

x