Is there a record anywhere for the longest post? My heart-breaking break-up...

[thisdayforward]

This will probably be a very long post. BF and I have been breaking up for about one month. Over the last week, I’ve been feeling more confident about saying it is over, but it’s still hard and I still have some uncertainty. If you are reading this, thank you. If you can comment on any part of my relationship drama – THANK YOU!!! I need some advice!

 

We’ve been seeing each other since last spring. I was married then, so we’ve actually only been openly seeing each other since the fall when my ex-husband and I decided to divorce. (I’ll reference my ex-husband as ex-husband in this post, and my ex-boyfriend as my BF.)

 

]The first break up between my BF and I was at the start of March. I wanted to end things then because I was struggling with getting over the loss of my marriage. Looking back, I know got into this relationship too soon. I didn’t know how hard it would be getting over the marriage. My BF and I discussed I might go through some things emotionally that I couldn’t predict, and he said he would be supportive through it.

 

I am a full-time student. My parents are close to me and were very upset about the divorce at first. My mom knows about the affair I had with my BF. The first struggle was at Thanksgiving. I ended up being alone on Thanksgiving, and all weekend. It was four days of depression for me. I was alone, it was a holiday, and my first holiday without my ex-husband. Also, my BF had to work and I had a major exam the following Friday.

 

I planned to study all weekend for the exam, but I was so depressed and so overwhelmed with school that I was practically debilitated and got nowhere. My BF came to me each of those nights, and I cried to him about my struggle. The stress continued through the week, but after the exam on Friday everything lifted and no longer was I dwelling on my ex-husband.

 

With mid-December came finals week, and I went through a similar but less severe dwelling/depression. Everything was fine when exams were over.

 

At Christmastime, I went through it all again. It was hard to spend that first holiday season without my ex-husband. I talked all of this through with my BF, and somewhere around then he tole me he thought I was going to go back to my ex-husband. We decided to try to slow down somewhat in our relationship. We had been spending almost every night together at his place or mine. That’s another messy piece to it. When we started seeing each other, he told me he only wanted to see me if I was ready for the committed type of relationship in which we want to be with each other every night. I took that to the extreme.

 

So after the New Year, I felt back on track with my divorce decision and BF and I started to slow things down. But with the new semester came more exams and more stress and with every stressful exam came a depressive episode where I would dwell on the loss of my marriage. I didn’t connect the exam stress to the dwelling on the divorce at that time, but I do now.

 

With the depression over the divorce and the “slowing things down”, communication between BF and I became strained all the time. I became uncomfortable seeing him while I was dwelling on my ex-husband so much and I didn’t like how we were communicating, so I ended things.

 

He agreed communication was awkward, and pointed out how I had stopped turning to him with my divorce struggles. He is divorced, too. I started to turn to him again and he helped me understand how my depression seemed to be connected to exam stress. He also said the thoughts I was having were identical to the thoughts he had when his marriage ended. We picked things back up, even more slowly than our first stall. Communication has been much better since.

 

We both enjoy live music and social drinking. And since we were so slow with things, my BF started going out on his own. He ended up going out with a girl he used to work with who he knows is infatuated with him. He went on a night he had been taking an exercise class. I was home studying but with no pressing exam. He didn’t tell me he was going out, let alone with another girl, just the two of them. That was unusual. We’d always kept each other up on our plans. I was hurt that he would do that and told him that. I don’t think anything happened between them, but there’s more to the story. I already had some difficulty trusting him.

 

Back in December, after I had bounced back from Thanksgiving and before final exam week, there was this concert BF and I had tickets to. I decided not to go because I wanted to study. I encouraged him to go alone because I wanted him to have fun and I wanted to show him that I wanted to have a trusting relationship.

 

This concert venue was one he had been to several times with an ex-fiancee. I’m sure I seem a mess with all this that I’m spilling, but I’ve never known anyone like this woman. She’s manipulating and vindictive. She’s crazy and dangerous. I’m afraid for my safety when it comes to her. So while I was trying to show my BF my trust in him by encouraging him to go to this concert, I was slightly worried that he would see her there and their interaction would not be good for us.

 

The day after the concert I asked BF if he saw her there. He said yes, and that they chatted for a little bit and that was it. I was ok with that…mostly. Part of me didn’t believe this was the whole story. A few days went by and I started checking his cell phone records. He had previously given me his passwords. The records showed a three-hour-long texting conversation the night of the concert and some phone calls at the end of the night with her. That didn’t seem like a chat for a little bit to me. There were also records of him continuing to contact her through the weekend after the concert and a few weeks prior to the concert.

 

I snooped into his cell phone and found he deleted the texts, but that there was one draft of a text he started to her that night. It said something like “I’ll always love you. If things don’t work out with her…” My heart was breaking.

 

I asked my BF again what happened that night. He stuck to his story that it was just a short chat. I told him what I found and then he started to confess to his interaction with her. He said that before they split she thought she was pregnant. She had told him that if she was pregnant, he would never see the baby if he chose to see me. (And backing up further, while I was having an affair with BF, he was on-again-off-again with this woman. When it was on with her, it wasn’t with me and vice-versa.) So he said he was trying to play her game and find out if she was pregnant. I was appalled that I was even involved with people who act this way. (Ok, maybe I’m part of those people now with all this, too…)

 

So anyway, why didn’t I break up with him after that? I don’t know. I wish I would have. I feel chemistry with this man like I have never felt before. The sex is phenomenal (yea, it’s always great in an affair…but it is phenomenal even to this day, though we haven’t in a few weeks now). We are extremely compatible. We live the same way, we like the same things, we have similar goals.

 

Also, I felt I understood of his drama with her. He’s had some messed up relationships. So we tried to move on. Toward the end of December, I went out with some friends from an old job. I didn’t bring BF along because I just wasn’t ready to bring him into that part of my life yet, especially after the stuff at that concert. He gave me no sign that he had a problem with me going out with these friends. As I left the party though, I called him and texted him and got no answer. He had said earlier in the day that he would be staying home that night. I called again, he answered, I heard music and people in the background, and then he hung up. I tried calling a few more times and it just went to voice mail. He called the next morning. He told me where he was that night, but still hasn’t explained why he ignored my calls and hung up on me. That’s just not how we handled things ever, so it was hurtful to me.

 

So the interaction with his ex-fiancee at the concert and the night out ignoring me coupled with my dwelling on my divorce led to us slowing down the first time. And the concert and the night out led to me feeling especially hurt when he went out with this girl he used to work with.

 

Coming to more recently, a week or so after the night out with the girl, I checked his cell phone again. I wasn’t checking his records anymore, he blocked me from them by this point. So I checked his cell and found he had reprogrammed his ex-fiancee’s number into it. He had deleted it in front of me after the concert when he was with her. My heart sunk seeing it in there. I asked him about it immediately, and he said he didn’t know why he had it.

 

A couple days later I broke things off. We had NC for two days, but I called him on the third and asked if he would share his side of things and explain why maybe I should not be upset and end it with him. We agreed to meet. I actually had a hard time reaching him on the third when I tried to call.

 

When I finally got through he immediately told me, sorry but he was washing his car. The conversation unfolded to him saying he had actually stayed the night with the girl from work (no sex he claims, but cuddling and she tried to kiss him…) Sure we were broken up…but geez, why is he acting like this?

 

So we met and we talked a lot and I felt like I could forgive him and I felt again like I could see a future with him. He was holding on to his ex-fiancee at first because he thought I was going to go back to my ex-husband. (I wonder, who wants to be with someone who has a back-up plan? I don’t…but I understand this fear.) He went out without contacting me because he was jealous that I have a close group of friends. He doesn’t have many friends; his life choices just haven’t lent to him being able to develop that. (But does that make it ok to do things that make your partner sick with worry?) He said he got his ex-fiancee's number when he was changing phone plan stuff, and held onto it in case he needed a friend. (Again, few friends.) He still hasn’t been able to explain the stuff with the girl he worked with. He just says that it was a bad judgement call on his part to go out with her. He says he has no interest in her at all.

 

So we were still off, but still in touch for about a week. I was feeling unsure if we should even try to work things out. So I told him that on Tuesday. I was open about my feelings because my being closed off about my feelings only led to problems before. He didn’t say much in response.

 

He worked Tuesday night. Then on his way home from work at 10 PM he texted me and told me he was going to the bar. He was driving right past my apartment to go to the bar. He didn’t invite me, and he was going alone. I think the text was to keep me up on what he was doing (unlike how he handled it before). But I’m just so uncomfortable with him going out alone considering his past behavior. Even without his past behavior, I don't like the idea of my BF going out to the bar alone. I don't do that kind of thing. And I don’t give him a problem about it when he goes out with his guy friends who I have met, I encourage him to do that… But this going out alone stuff bugs me.

 

So I called him instead of continuing to text. I was upset, but before we could sort things out he told me he didn’t want to see me anymore. I was really hurt, but I said ok. We talked for about an hour, and ended the conversation with us broken up.

 

Then the next night, he texted and said "I don’t want us to break up. I love you." I didn’t respond.

 

We see each other at school and every day he has been sending flirty texts. I’ve not responded to the flirty texts.

 

I did end up seeing him on Thursday night and we tried to study together. Iet go of my self-control and we made out for a bit. When we are together, I go between hurt and longing for him, hurt and then longing for him. Maybe I should say lusting for him. When we are apart, mostly I am okay. Today is a little rough which is why I am writing this.

 

I should bring up the thing I touched on in the beginning of this post… It’s been since the end of March that I last had a dwelling on the divorce depression episode. I’m hoping I’m okay with that now. Recognizing how directly related it was to exam stress really helped me.

 

I’m so ridiculously attracted to BF. Except for the things I’ve mentioned here, he treats me really well. He's loving, affectionate, patient, calm, understanding, smart, responsible, fun, adventerous, active, a fantastic lover. I think he's so handsome and I love sharing all that we have in common. I miss him today.

 

He’s contacted me twice today – a good morning text to which I did not respond and then an IM to which I replied one simple sentence.

 

In my heart, I feel that if he and I seriously did try to make it work we could. I think it was take from me though to be by his side all of the time, not only to calm my worries but also to keep him from being weak and making these dumb moves when things get a little shaky. It's hard to let go of him. I do miss him. It's hard to imagine him with someone else. I do want him just for mine. Maybe some control issues with me here - wanting to have him, wanting to control what my life is going to look like. The uncertainty of my future is scary. I am scared of what will happen if I am left alone. I think I'm scared of failing even more than I have, and in a weird way I'm also scared of making it work on my own.

Edited April 17, 2010 by thisdayforward
copied and pasted from Word, cleaned it up

[Agent Thomas]

Lmao I find it incredibly hard to have any empathy or sympathy for someone who says things like:

 

I feel chemistry with this man like I have never felt before. The sex is phenomenal (yea, it’s always great in an affair…

 

 

Frankly, you got what you deserved. I am about 100% sure he was cheating on you behind your back. If he is "smart" like you claim, don't you think he's smart enough to realize that if you'd have an affair WITH him, you'd have an affair ON him?

 

Come on. What goes around comes around. You both are players and he continued his streak on you.

[thisdayforward]

Come on. What goes around comes around. You both are players and he continued his streak on you.

 

So your advice is to get over him? It's never going to stop...is it?

 

I'm already working on changing things about myself.

[Agent Thomas]

What will never stop? Him being a player? **** no. If he doesn't respect the sanctity of marriage, then the chances of him changing and respecting relationships are the same chances of Hitler being resurrected and converting to Judaism.

 

 

You NEED to change things about yourself. The fact you'd disregard the marriage vows and have an affair is about as respectable as a hooker with more STD's than New York City has residents.

 

Learn from your mistakes. Look deep inside and change yourself. And hopefully he will do the same. This guy you dealt with is scum, and sadly to say, you too are currently scum. Fix yourself and cut him out of your life. Redeem yourself, it will be a long road but it is possible. I know my words are cruel, but you need to hear them for the better of yourself.

[thisdayforward]

Thanks Agent Thomas. I do appreciate your advice.

 

I'm ashamed and I do not want to continue to live like this. I"ve never thought of myself as a player...but I think you're right. I've not just been a player in the dating sense, but really with everyone in my life.

 

While reading your second post, I realized that I'll never be able to make the changes I need to if I stay with him. Cutting him out of my life is what I need to do.