How do you know whether someone will stay by you during the hard times?

[Els]

I've seen far too many heartbreaking threads here by posters who had wonderful relationships, and all of a sudden hard times come by and the person leaves. And I've seen far too many other posters tell them, "You should have known."

 

But really, how DO you know? Is there really a way to find out before the push really comes to shove? The bf could be the loveliest person in the world, bringing you chicken soup when you're sick and never forgetting to romance you and show you affection - but how do you know how he'll react when your mom dies, you have a nervous breakdown and lose your job... until it actually happens?

[Lizzie60]

Unfortunately, no one can predict the future..

 

therefore no one knows for sure what will happen.. it's life..

[sally4sara]

Some of the things I found to indicate this about my husband was that a lot of his family is pretty emotionally bankrupt and highly self serving when it comes to their expectations of him. He still feels familial honor and will help them.

 

He has friends that have done some really crappy things to him, but they later apologized and made amends. He has always given them a second chance to be a good friend by him. If they screw up again or cannot move beyond the issue, THEN he turns from them.

 

When you meet someone new, you have no way of knowing for certain if they will run at the first hint of hardship. Look to how they've handled past struggles with their family and friends.

[TaraMaiden]

I've also found that paradoxically, hard times can actually keep people tgether...They thrive on - and mutually support and feed off - the drama. When things settle down, they then find they had less in common than they thought.....

Excitement and stress can nourish a relationship...The mundane and ordinary, can kill it.....

[USMCHokie]

You'll never know...until you've experienced adversity together...adversity will bring out any person's true character...and if your partner decides not to stick around for it, then she has done you a huge favor by leaving as it reflects her weak character...

[LucreziaBorgia]

I got ditched hardcore just before what turned out to be almost two years of chemo, surgeries, treatments, etc. At the time I was shocked, but no one else really was. I only see it now in hindsight. Some red flags:

 

1. He was always hesitant to talk about future plans, and when he did it was really vague.

2. He would hint at our 'life' differences: ie, he never wanted kids (and I have one), he did not want to walk into an 'instant family', he wanted to travel extensively, etc.

3. He was not romantic or affectionate when it came to 'milestone' dates - he would only take me out on a date when prompted and even then it wasn't that much fun.

4. It was always about 'him' - what was best for him, his emotional problems, his difficulties, what he wanted to do or not do, etc. All of 'his' stuff was what was driving the relationship.

5. He cheated on me.

6. Sex was just him getting off - a basic non-reciprocal act.

7. He had no interest in meeting my family, and I was the one that told his family we were together. His family was nicer to me than he was! His mother and I are still friendly, in fact.

 

He was only in it until he found a "real" girlfriend - one he would marry, buy a house for and live happily ever after. I was just a placeholder. I wish I could have seen that from the beginning, but love tends to blind you to those things. There were some good times too, and when you are with someone like that you live from 'good time' to 'good time' and try to ignore all the 'bad' in between.

[Citizen Erased]

You don't, ever. They can be a complete arsehole and yet come through for you every single time it is needed. Or they can be the sweetest person in the world and consistently let you down. Luck is probably the only thing I can come up with.

[BubbleFreak]

Heck even I don't know how I would react during a hard time, so I have an even lesser chance of predicting how someone else would react. I guess you could just ask your partner what they would do in hypothetical situations, but I know my boyfriend gets annoyed when I do that.

[Template]

The simple is answer is you'll never know until that time comes. In my last relationship, I cared for the woman deeply, and stuck by her even when she was going through some emotional turmoil. However, when I needed her help in a, literally life/death, situation, she really had no interest in helping me. What's even more messed up, is when we were discussing the decision making process for the operation that got me into that predicament, I specifically asked her if she'll be there when I need her, and she said, "Yes". Look, I'm not a perfect guy, and I've had my faults, but I can assure, that I've haven't done anything to her, or my life in general, to deserve that type of disregard. Moral of the story, you really cannot predict what a person is capable of, no matter how well you know them. Hard lesson I've hard to learn, and really is a life altering one for me.

[goatee]

i think that when people go through hard times they tend to change, which makes their partner's lives even more difficult. When my ex went on disability she totally changed from fun happy to grumpy gloomy fast. It sucked being around her, she got upset over the any attempts to find solutions to her problems, she wouldn't go to chiro because she thought they were fake and would rather stay that way, she had no plan, she wouldn't accept any, she wouldn't even let me help her financially and eventually I got sick of it and left.

 

Later she blamed her constant pain etc but I wouldn't have any problems sticking around if she didn't turn into a gloomy hag.