Nukulus Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Hey all, I generally just lurk around here but I've seen people get some really good advice so I thought I'd ask for some. Just for a bit of background. I've been talking to this girl, we'll call her L, since the beginning of December. She lives about an hour away and goes to a school that my mother is a professor at. Through my mom and her friend trying to play match maker we became facebook friends and starting talking. We really hit it off and were going to try to meet a little after the new years. Now this didn't work out because her schedule wouldn't cooperate as she was very busy with 2 jobs + school. We tried to reschedule, but again nothing worked out. I got frustrated with the situation and she got even busier, so what was us talking almost every day became sporadic messages/texts every couple weeks. Fastforward to March, our schedules have finally line up and I go and meet her. WE have a good time, she is really impressed with me and likes me a lot. I really like her, had a great time as well etc... So we plan a first date for the following weekend. She drives down to where I live, and we go out for dinner, and out for drinks after. Again have a great time, great conversation, etc. We both agree we want to go out again as we both like each other. Now here comes the problem... that was two weeks ago. We haven't seen each other since, though we are talking more than ever (online chat/phone/text). Because of school, work, and distance the only real times that are open are the weekends. I have tried to organize stuff for last weekend, and this weekend and while I get response like (might, maybe, possibly, I think so etc) it doesn't work out. Last weekend it was a massive paper she had procrastinated on, this weekend it's nothing in particular but she has a "million things to do". So this is where I am confused... L has made it expressly clear that she really likes me, finds me very attractive, loves that we can talk with each other etc. She has said stuff like "I want to be able to do stuff, I do. Believe me". I have told her that action's speak louder than words so we should "make it happen". I have offered to drive up there, even if it's just an hour for dinner (that way I don't take too much time out of the day for her), but every time I offer she says no or has an excuse. I've even asked her if she thinks she has time for us to see each other regularly (assuming we both want to of course), and L has said "I don't know, I'm just really busy now... end of the semester". But here's my problem. I too am busy, but I also see, and I've told her this, that we aren't going to be any less busy once the semester ends. Just a quick rundown but the semester ends around may, she has her sisters wedding in another country right after that, I start a full time internship right after the semester ends, and I am going to colorado for a week for a conference at the end of may. So it seems to me that it will be June before our schedules might be less hectic... Am I being unreasonable in saying I don't want to wait that long? I don't think its fair... I mean it took us four months to finally meet each other, and now a second date isn't even in sight. This morning I asked her if she was coming down today (I had a great plan for a date, and last I had heard on thursday was her saying "I think I should be able to do something..."). She responded with she didn't think she could. I just said "really? not at all? Have a good weekend then." I followed it up with "I don't think I'm asking a lot. I've said quick dates are fine (i.e not all day affairs), I've offered to come up there. I just don't know what else to do" She hasn't responded yet so I'm not sure if I've pissed her off or what. I just don't know what to do. I really like this girl, and she really likes me (or at least says so, and has gone out of her way to make it clear). I just feel that if you want to do something or see someone (like she claims to do) you make time to do it... despite being busy. Sorry for the novel. If anyone has any advice I'd greatly appreciate it.
tkgirl Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I don't think you are being unreasonable at all... I get that she's busy but yeah, if she really wants to see you she will make the time. Some people just like the idea of being with someone... but have no clue how to do that. I dated someone like that... it was no fun, believe me. Find someone you are more compatible with... someone who will put in just as much time and effort to be with you too. Good Luck!
sagetalk Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 You have no idea what it means to wait. I've waited way longer than that before. Read the story of Israel (Jacob) and Rachel. He had to work for years to have the girl he wanted. The point is, if she is worth it, you can wait. If you just want her as an entertainer or someone that is your puppy dog that's beside you everyday, then let her go. But if you want this to happen, you are going to learn to wait or lose her forever. The biggest stumbling block you will run into will be you finding another girl (who lives closer) or her finding another guy (that lives closer). Beyond that problem (and believe me it's a big problem), it can work. The key for the both of you will be communication. If you want to keep this relationship with her going you must ask her to be honest with you. If she finds another guy (or you another girl) she must tell you. If either of you try to keep it a secret, it could end horrifically. Take your time with her and give her space, or let her go now. It won't change until you're married (or move closer), so it's a problem you need to face before it even starts.
tkgirl Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 You have no idea what it means to wait. I've waited way longer than that before. Read the story of Israel (Jacob) and Rachel. He had to work for years to have the girl he wanted. The point is, if she is worth it, you can wait. If you just want her as an entertainer or someone that is your puppy dog that's beside you everyday, then let her go. But if you want this to happen, you are going to learn to wait or lose her forever. The biggest stumbling block you will run into will be you finding another girl (who lives closer) or her finding another guy (that lives closer). Beyond that problem (and believe me it's a big problem), it can work. The key for the both of you will be communication. If you want to keep this relationship with her going you must ask her to be honest with you. If she finds another guy (or you another girl) she must tell you. If either of you try to keep it a secret, it could end horrifically. Take your time with her and give her space, or let her go now. It won't change until you're married (or move closer), so it's a problem you need to face before it even starts. thing is.. you've only gone out once, and you said that took 4 months! and who knows how long you will have to wait for a second date.. to me it sounds like she is stringing you along. You can decide to wait for her to come around if you want, but I think it could end up being a waste of time... just my two cents...
Author Nukulus Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 Hmm... Thanks for the insight. I'm not sure she would be considered one of those people that like the "idea" of being with someone as she got out of a multiple year relationship last August/September... So unless she's changed or what not I have no idea. And I appreciate the advice of finding someone more compatible, however she is compatible in every way (except schedule it seems haha). I mean she is one of the few people my age (I'm 23 and she 24) that I can actually talk to about real things... We've had deep conversations about practically everything... And yet we're different enough that we both have interests in different things and are enthusiastic about experiencing each other's interests together. This is what makes this situation so hard. There is SO MUCH potential here between the two of us, that it makes it hard for me to know what to do. IF there wasn't as much potential I would have cut my losses a long time ago. So theres the dilemma... Do I continue to wait and try to make (or hope) our schedules work out based on the potential of this relationship alone--meanwhile passing up other girls in the meantime (and there are other girls, and there are other guys for her that like her as well). My heart says it would be worth the wait, and just to relax and let things come as they are. My brain says I will really regret it down the road if things don't end up working out. Blahh... haha Thanks for the advice so far!
Author Nukulus Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 Yes it take us 4 months to meet... But it's only been two weeks since our first date. Part of me agrees that she might be stringing me along, another part of me also knows she is rediculously busy and every vibe, or conversation I've had with her says she isn't stringing me along. Ha... sigh.
tkgirl Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Yes it take us 4 months to meet... But it's only been two weeks since our first date. Part of me agrees that she might be stringing me along, another part of me also knows she is rediculously busy and every vibe, or conversation I've had with her says she isn't stringing me along. Ha... sigh. yeah... I hear ya, you like this girl... so you want to spend time with her... I get that. Then just try to give it some more time if you can... but at the same time go with your gut. She could just be unsure of what she wants... just don't lose sight of what you want too...
sagetalk Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Yes it take us 4 months to meet... But it's only been two weeks since our first date. Part of me agrees that she might be stringing me along, another part of me also knows she is rediculously busy and every vibe, or conversation I've had with her says she isn't stringing me along. Ha... sigh. I have been in your shoes. All I can say is if you want her more than any girl in your life, then wait. It may turn out badly, but life is full of choices and every choice means you go without something. Do you want to go without her? Are you willing to risk missing a girl for her and then her breaking up with you? These are the questions you need to ask yourself.
tkgirl Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I have been in your shoes. All I can say is if you want her more than any girl in your life, then wait. It may turn out badly, but life is full of choices and every choice means you go without something. Do you want to go without her? Are you willing to risk missing a girl for her and then her breaking up with you? These are the questions you need to ask yourself. yep... life is definitely about choices and taking risks. I have been in nukulus' shoes before too... and in my case it turned out badly. The guy was busy which turned to flaky but I didn't see it that way... I just thought he was so awesome and I then I got my heart broken. That's just my experience though... I just think things are so much better when you are both on the same page as far as how busy you are but will still make time to see each other... and you weren't being unreasonable letting her know what you want nukulus. So... has she responded back to your message yet?
Author Nukulus Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 Yea she texted me about an hour ago saying: "I'm Sorry. I'm at the coffee place (her favorite place to do work and we normally end up chatting online if I'm on the PC). Don't hate me!" I tried to talk to her online for a bit, but facebook chat wasn't being cooperative haha. So I dunno... I suppose I need to talk to her about it, but I'm starting to feel like I'm beating a dead horse... and I don't want to get annoying. Anyway, I'm going out for a few drinks with friends... I'll check back in later with more updates (if any).
tkgirl Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Yea she texted me about an hour ago saying: "I'm Sorry. I'm at the coffee place (her favorite place to do work and we normally end up chatting online if I'm on the PC). Don't hate me!" I tried to talk to her online for a bit, but facebook chat wasn't being cooperative haha. So I dunno... I suppose I need to talk to her about it, but I'm starting to feel like I'm beating a dead horse... and I don't want to get annoying. Anyway, I'm going out for a few drinks with friends... I'll check back in later with more updates (if any). that's good.. I'm glad you heard back from her and that she seems to get it somewhat. I hope you can make plans with her soon and things can start progressing the way you want them to. In the meantime keep busy yourself... it's good you are going out with friends tonight... have fun!
Author Nukulus Posted April 18, 2010 Author Posted April 18, 2010 Update/bump haha Anyways I ended up talking with her for a little while after I got back from having drinks... which may have been good or bad since I was intoxicated. She had asked if I had a good time. Told her i did said I wish she had come down... She responded as expected-"I wish I could have" So I just came out with it... I told her that "you say these things all the time, but you don't do it. I don't understand it. I always thought that if you want to do something or see someone, like you say you do, you make time to do it. But maybe I'm ignorant of how busy you actually are" And things went from there haha... She said she has things to do and won't ignore them (never asked her to). Said maybe I don't understand. Asked why I was getting so pissy about it, and that I had no right to be. Said she needed to be independent, wasn't looking for anything serious (really she coulda fooled me with everything prior to this conversation). She said that hanging out and doing stuff is fine (which initially the thing that came to mind was she wants to have her cake and eat it too---she wants me to be able to talk to me, have conversations, and maybe every now and then see me when she wants to...-you know without it being serious). Anyway, I told her that it would have been nice to know about her not wanting anything serious from the beginning but I'm glad it's out there now. I also told her that she says she doesn't want anything serious but all the stuff we talk about doing with each other doesn't sound like something people who might see each other once a month do... I dunno. Pretty much ended the night saying thanks for letting me know, and the she had given me a lot to think about, especially in the way I percieve things (i.e. being completely blindsided by the I don't want anything serious--but maybe I just being too irritable about the situation and thats her way of pushing me away).
tkgirl Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 good morning nukulus I hope you're feeling better about everything... I think it's good you were able to talk to her and get some stuff off your chest. Now she knows where you are coming from and vice versa. I wouldn't put too much thought into the whole her not wanting anything serious... like don't take it personal I mean. She was giving you mixed messages and you finally called her on it... good for you. I think you should just chill for a bit now... and maybe she'll come around. Or else you'll just realize you both want different things right now and maybe she's not the one for you afterall... hang in there!
Author Nukulus Posted April 18, 2010 Author Posted April 18, 2010 Good morning to you as well! I am feeling better... Relieved to know exactly where things are. And I'm not taking it personally at all. I'm not mad, or upset at her. She has things going on in her life right now that along with the distance between us would make something "serious" difficult right now. So for now I'm no longer going to try and set stuff up for the weekends or come up with ideas for dates. I'll let her let me know when she has free time and go from there. In the mean time I'll also stop ignoring other girls at my school who have interest in me and start getting to know them. Anyways like I said I actually feel really relieved and good about the whole situation. Thanks for all your help, it was really spot on!
tkgirl Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Good morning to you as well! I am feeling better... Relieved to know exactly where things are. And I'm not taking it personally at all. I'm not mad, or upset at her. She has things going on in her life right now that along with the distance between us would make something "serious" difficult right now. So for now I'm no longer going to try and set stuff up for the weekends or come up with ideas for dates. I'll let her let me know when she has free time and go from there. In the mean time I'll also stop ignoring other girls at my school who have interest in me and start getting to know them. Anyways like I said I actually feel really relieved and good about the whole situation. Thanks for all your help, it was really spot on! awesome! you have the right attitude
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