ladyjane83 Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I met a guy in a bar last weekend. Me and my friend had noticed him and his group of friends (they were all attractive) and then on our way to the bar one of his friends started talking to my friend and then he made his way over and started chatting to me. He was really very nice and chatted for about half an hour then him and his friends moved on to a club. He asked if I was going to the club, I said I wasn't sure and he said "well I think you should!" We ended up going to the club and saw him and his friends in there again. He didn't come over so I just went to the bar with one of my friends and when I turned around he was talking to my other friend (apparently telling her he really liked me but wasn't sure that I was interested -she told me this later on). So me and my friend joined them. The guy asked me if I wanted to dance so we went and had a dance and it was lots of fun. Anyway, I then got a text from my friends saying that they had left and gone home, but couldn't find me to tell me (I was really mad at them,but that's another story!) The guy was reallt nice, came with me to try and call my friends etc. In the end I ended up staying there with him and we had a good night dancing, laughing we kissed a bit too. We seemed to get on really well and laughed alot. He said that he would like to take me out for a drink or something one night, I agreed and we swapped numbers. When I was ready to leave he walked me to the club door so I could get a taxi. We left it with a kiss and he said he would call me to arrange a date. He text me the next morning asking if I was ok and if I had had a good night. I replied and asked if he had....no reply. I waited until the next day and text him around lunch time asking how his day was going, he replied about and hour later a nice chatty text, I replied....then no reply again. Untill the next afternoon. He has since asked me in texts if I still fancy going for a drink one night and we have agreed that we will go out one night next week. He seems nice and always asks me questions in his texts, so I reply. But its often a whole day untill I hear back from him, like he will text me, I will reply, ask him a question or something and then not hear from him until the next day. To me this is weird. I get that he will be working in the day time. but all evening too? What is he doing that he cant reply...? Am I just expecting things too instantly?? Im not being clingy by texting because every text he sends me asks me a question so he is expecting a reply. Maybe Im worrying too much because Ive met some really scummy guys lately. Although I should point out....his friend on the night we met was trying to hit on my friend, really saying all sorts of things to her...I asked the guy I was with if his friend had a grilfriend and he said no.....then this guys girlfriend turned up!!! It makes me think that if he will lie about that, and if his friend would do that to his girlfriend....could my guy have a girlfriend too?? Is that the reason I never hear from him in the evenings?
Agent Thomas Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 First thing to do is ask why he doesn't reply. That aside, though, I'd say yes. He is lying.
Author ladyjane83 Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 Hmmm, yeah. I didn't know if it was just me wanting responses too instantly. I get that some people are big texters and some people aren't. I just think Its weird the huuuge gaps in time between his texts. I suppose I could just give him the benefit of the doubt untill we actually go on a date and see how it is? I dont know.
Agent Thomas Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 (edited) Back when I was juggling multiple girls (I was single, not in a relationship with any), I would always stop texting them while I was with one. Then after I drop the girl I was with off or whatever, I'd text the others. That's why I think this guy is lying. I'm happy to report though now that I am in a relationship with a girl I love, and would never go behind her back. Edited April 17, 2010 by Agent Thomas
2sunny Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 since he hasn't specifically asked to see you for a date - he isn't making the effort. IF he wanted to see you - he would. other than that he's just stringing you along. i think i'd send a text saying "i believe you have someone else that keeps you too busy to make time for me, so i'm deleting you number since you're unavailable." that makes it clear that you aren't a gal that plays his silly games. yes. i believe he probably has a gf - and is testing you to see if he can have you on the side. he's probably trying to figure out which night his gf doesn't expect him to take her out - so then he can see you at the last minute. is this good enough for you?
Author ladyjane83 Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 Glad to hear it! Yeah, there is definitly something not quite right. Unless he is just trying to play it cool, but there is playing it cool and then there is acting disinterested or shady. hmmm
marsle85 Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 One study indicated that a HUGE indicator if men will cheat is if their friends do. His friends do. There is no reason why he's not responding other than the fact the doesn't want to/can't. Regardless whether it's one or the other... do you really want to get into something like that? He seems shady.
Agent Thomas Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 (edited) One study indicated that a HUGE indicator if men will cheat is if their friends do. His friends do. No wonder girls got pissed about my ex best friend. He had 3 girlfriends at a time and girls all got pissed at ME for being friends with him. (he was a tool though who I dropped). But alas, I wouldn't cheat just cuz a friend did. But this group sounds shady as well as this guy specifically. But we've established that. So I suppose I just made this post to comment on marsle's post lol Edited April 17, 2010 by Agent Thomas
ADF Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 It is impossible to know if this guy has a GF. He may or may not. It sounds like you were hoping this man was interested in starting a dating relationship with you. While I won't say it is impossible to meet relationship-minded guys in clubs, it is next door to impossible. Clubs are meat markets, and guys who frequent them are usually just after quick hook ups. As for the lying thing, keep in mind nobody lies about just one thing or about just one person. Lying is a strategy some people use to get what they want. People who lie will generally lie to lots of people about lots of different things. Beware.
Author ladyjane83 Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 since he hasn't specifically asked to see you for a date - he isn't making the effort. IF he wanted to see you - he would. other than that he's just stringing you along. i think i'd send a text saying "i believe you have someone else that keeps you too busy to make time for me, so i'm deleting you number since you're unavailable." that makes it clear that you aren't a gal that plays his silly games. yes. i believe he probably has a gf - and is testing you to see if he can have you on the side. he's probably trying to figure out which night his gf doesn't expect him to take her out - so then he can see you at the last minute. is this good enough for you? He has asked about seeing me for a date.... on about wednesday he text and said "I know I asked you this on Saturday night, but would you still be interested in going out for a drink or something one night?" I replied saying yes and then in his next text (I think the next day) he asked what day would be best for me to meet up? I said I havent got much on for next week so whenever really, and he replied and said he is free most nights next week too so we will arrange something for then. SO I guess he has kind of specifically asked me out on a date, but just yet to set a day and time. I think that for know because I dont KNOW that he is being shady, Im just guessing, I dont want to come right out and say "look, youre being shady" because if he isnt and he is just very laid back with the texting thing then I will have blown it. I think if we go on a date and have a good time and then he is STILL acting un interested or playing cool then that would be the time to say something. You think?
2sunny Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 it looks like you're both being evasive. i think he's interested but not being firm and making enough effort to make it happen. if he asked how about a drink? (first he should have already chosen a night) but we're past that now... so... YOU should have immediately asked for specifics. what night? then you have the option to say yes or no depending if you are available. if you're not available that night, but still interested - YOU can and should suggest an alternate night. PIN HIM DOWN! stop moving away from the solution, otherwise you two will never get to the date night. name a night... it's a go or no.
mortensorchid Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 No no no, whether he has a girlfriend or not he's playing a game with you. Since you approached him first he knows you are interested and he's leading you on to make you feel insecure. Let him call / text you. And if he doesn't, then you have your answer.
Author ladyjane83 Posted April 18, 2010 Author Posted April 18, 2010 well I went out last night with my friend and he was out at a friends BBQ and he was texting me alot throughout the night asking how my night was going etc. he text about 4-5 times even sent a couple in a row because I hadnt replied. hmmm. My friend who is always a bit cynical when it comes to guys said that obviously he is away from his girlfriend for the night. Or maybe he really was "playing it cool" and following the rules but forgot all that once he had had a couple of drinks?? hmmm.
Author ladyjane83 Posted April 18, 2010 Author Posted April 18, 2010 No no no, whether he has a girlfriend or not he's playing a game with you. Since you approached him first he knows you are interested and he's leading you on to make you feel insecure. Let him call / text you. And if he doesn't, then you have your answer. I didnt approach him first...his friend approached my friend and I, and while I was waiting with my friend (while she chatted to her guy) he came over to me and introduced himself. It was him who asked me to dance, who asked to buy me a drink, asked for my phone number, suggested a date and text me first the next day. Thats why I'm confused with the sporadic texting as at first he was doing all the initiating and seemed very keen
Eeyore79 Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Just because a guy approaches you, it doesn't mean he's single. My ex approached me and hit on me, bought me drinks, kissed me, etc... a couple of months later I found out he had a long distance gf the whole time who he hadn't told me about. Not so long ago, another guy hit on me, and he kissed me etc... I asked if he was single, just to check, and he said "No"!!! The moral of the story is, you can't assume that anyone is single unless you ask them, and even then they could be lying.
SomewhatExperienced Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 With the whole waiting for the next day to text, he may be doing a whole trying not to be clingy by waiting some extra time thing. People, young people in particular (I'm one of them too), play these stupid games. Now, this guy MAY have a girlfriend, but you'll never know. In fact any guy you date MAY have a girlfriend and be trying to have you on the side, you just have to go and see. IMPORTANT!!! His friend may have been flirting with your friend at the bar simply to act as a wingman. This guy you met had an interest in you and he wanted his friend to distract yours so he could have some alone time with you. If his friend wasn't acting as a wingman, why would he "be saying all sorts of things" to try to pick up your friend when he knows all along his own girlfriend is going to show up shortly? He knew he wouldn't get her and that was the point. The point was just to distract her. Not uncommon and very plausible.
carhill Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Does the voice feature on these appliances function? If he wants to date, he can call you and ask you on a date, meaning he can move his lips and make sounds. He demonstrated at the club that he has this proficiency, so invite him to use it. 'Call me'. Then, respond to that call, if and when it comes. Otherwise, enjoy other men who know how to call and ask you on dates. FWIW, it's easier for a guy to text in front of his girlfriend or wife than it is to talk in front of her.
Author ladyjane83 Posted April 18, 2010 Author Posted April 18, 2010 I hate talking on the phone to guys that I have just met. as in HATE it!! after a couple of dates i'm ok, but not before. So I'm not really worried about him not calling. In fact the night I met him he said that he would call me to set up a date and I was like nooooo, I hate phone calls, text instead and we had a bit of a joke about it. He said "so if I called you would you answer?" and I said no! he was like seriously?!? and I still said no! It was in a jokey way..but let him know that I prefer texting for now. In one of his texts he even said "so then...are you still not going to answer the phone if I call?!" and I still said no! So the fact that he is texting and not calling doesnt bother me as that is what I have asked him to do and Im glad that he is sticking to it. Because he wanted to call in the first place implies maybe he isnt into texting really?? which would explain why he doesnt do it often!?...I dont know. I think I'm just fed up because like I said I have met some really flakey guys lately and I'm sick of the game playing, waiting for calls/texts that dont happen and the ones who are interested are not the ones Im interested in. So I was happy because I thought I had finally met a guy who I was attracted to, seemed really nice and eager to date me and when I got a text from him straight away the next day I thought "yes!, finally I might have met a good one!".... and now I've got that familiar feeling again of game playing.
carhill Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Yes, I absolutely jump whenever the phone rings. Bad memories. That said, it takes less than a minute, less time than it takes to text, to dial a number and ask a person out on a date. 'I'd love to take you to xxx Friday. Would you like to go?' Simple yes or no will suffice. Then, proceed on whichever path that indicates. A man who is sincerely interested will give clear and understandable (no ambiguity) signals regarding that interest. If he's not clear, he's not for you. By spending time, energy and attention on such men (unclear men), you might miss the one with clear and sincere interest because you're sending out signals that cause him to stay away. This is gender-neutral. TBH, if I met a woman who told me directly that she didn't like talking on the phone, I probably wouldn't date her, not because that's 'bad', but because our communication styles would be incompatible. Everyone builds relationships differently and has key aspects they focus on. Hopefully you'll find a guy who matches up and shows interest in a way which is meaningful and compatible to you.
marsle85 Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 if he asked how about a drink? (first he should have already chosen a night) but we're past that now... so... YOU should have immediately asked for specifics. what night? No, she should not have accepted an earlier date. She's busy. He'll just have to wait til dinner. Don't give him a reason NOT to take her out to dinner. If his friend wasn't acting as a wingman, why would he "be saying all sorts of things" to try to pick up your friend when he knows all along his own girlfriend is going to show up shortly? He knew he wouldn't get her and that was the point. The point was just to distract her. Actually, I could see that happening.
Author ladyjane83 Posted April 18, 2010 Author Posted April 18, 2010 I'm just fed up of guys who suggest going out then never follow through with it. Or initiate contact and then it doesnt go anywhere. If you're not interested then don't ask me out in the first place!!...or dont just text me every now and then to keep me 'happy' if you're not interested then just say so and leave me alone! at least then would know where I stand. Lots of my friends say the same thing...it like guys think we are these little delicate flowers who are going to be so heartbroken if they just say they arent interested!.....we arent!! we would just rather know!
You'reasian Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Just because a guy approaches you, it doesn't mean he's single. My ex approached me and hit on me, bought me drinks, kissed me, etc... a couple of months later I found out he had a long distance gf the whole time who he hadn't told me about. Not so long ago, another guy hit on me, and he kissed me etc... I asked if he was single, just to check, and he said "No"!!! The moral of the story is, you can't assume that anyone is single unless you ask them, and even then they could be lying. True. Just because a woman responds to your approach doesn't mean she's single either. Works both ways
Author ladyjane83 Posted April 18, 2010 Author Posted April 18, 2010 He has text me and we are going for a drink on Wednesday. Suppose best thing to do is go for the date and just see what kind of vibe I get from him?
dazzle22 Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 In my opinion, at the beginning of relationships, and even same sex friendships for that matter, you need to RAISE the high bar of behavior, not LOWER it. This includes the lazy texting thing, and not getting back to you in a timely fashion. If you are in an established relationship, texting is fine, but at the beginning, it is very difficult to figure things out just by texts. I would draw the line with guys and say, 'Oh, by the way, I expect the courtesy of a phone call if you want to set something up with me, not lazy azz texting, ok?' That will help weed out the lazy 'got a bunch of girls on the side' kind of guys. Or the 'texting while in the bathroom while sleeping at another girl's house''...problem.... I have come to believe that MOST people will not give you any more respect than you DEMAND of them. Raising the high bar on people really weeds out the riff raff...
SomewhatExperienced Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 I feel texting is too impersonal and even disrespectful at the start of the relationship, unless it's "I'm running a little late", or "hope you have a nice day ;)". If you want to say something real to me pay me the courtesy of letting me hear your voice. Same thing goes the other way. I'll NEVER ask a girl out on a date via texting. Frankly, I think people have started to do that simply because they're too scared to call. Courage and confidence are virtues and we should push ourselves out of our comfort zones in situations like this.
Recommended Posts