shadowplay Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 (edited) I was doing so well this week before I saw him in class about maintaining no contact and then everything fell apart. I know I'll get flak for saying this but I might keep him around as a fwb because I'm lonely, but only on MY terms. I've lost interest in having a relationship with him, because I know it will take him forever to ever change...if he does. I've done this fade out approach before with guys, and it seems to work well in allowing me to detach without losing my **** for a month or two (which NC would do). Yes, I'll be using him, but I don't really give a fck after how he treated me. I'll play it by ear. If I'm wrong and I can't detach with the contact, then I'll cut him off. I thought I could handle it, but that was a HUGE, huge mistake. WTF am I doing? I know I shouldn't be worrying about what's going on in his head, but I just need to vent some of this stuff because it's really hurting. We had sex last night. At first I felt fine until I started to notice how detached he was. I asked him if he still felt connected to me and he said somewhat, but it gets less every day and that he felt more connected to me even three nights ago when we had sex. I asked him if he still felt devastated to lose me and he said he had a few days ago, but not as much anymore. The thing I couldn't wrap my head around is when I asked him he said he still loved me as much as he had when we were together and he was still IN LOVE with me. I call bull****. You can't still be in love with somebody and not feel devastated after only a week of losing them. Nor can you do what he did to me in general. Am I right on this? It just hurt so much to see that he's already moved on after just over a week, when he was always the one who said he couldn't bear the thought of ever losing me. And here I am still feeling devastated. This is why I can't see him at all, and this was such a mistake. I didn't expect to have that reaction, but I should have known better. I remember he told me once about this girl he had really crushed on and gotten briefly involved with (but not actually dated), and how it took A YEAR for him to get over when she harshly stopped talking to him because he told her he loved her. And yet the girl he professed to love more than anything in the world and want to spend the rest of his life with he has already gotten mostly over in just over a week. That really hurts. For some reason I can't deal with him telling me he's "in love" with me and not wanting to be with me and feeling so little. I wish he told me that he no longer loved me was in love with me, whatever. But when he says my feelings for you did not change, I still am in love with you, I just can't function because I worry about you too much when we're together, and I don't even want to give this a chance....that just fcks with my brain. He insists that's really the only reason, that he worries about me too much. It makes no sense. I guess the bottom line is this, as I see it. Had I been a total btch and rejected him like that girl had, he'd probably be bruising for months and months. Because he never got the love and sex from her that I gave him, so he could idealize her in his mind or whatever. But because I had given him so much and he rejected me, he could just easily turn off his emotions. Human nature is fcked. On some level, I always wonder if all guys are like this. Treat them well and they can so easily detach from you. I mean what is love really if it can disappear so easily? What do you guys make of this? Blah, I know, I know I can't see him again. I'm being totally crazy, and doing things I would have never considered ever doing in a million years just nine days ago. I keep fcking up and then beating myself up for it afterwards. This needs to stop. Edited April 17, 2010 by shadowplay
Author shadowplay Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 (edited) Oh, and he was asking for all kinds of weird shiat when we had sex. I'm going to get into gory detail, because some of it freaked me out. (I wouldn't reveal any of this if I still respected him as much as I once did.) He wanted me to be inside him and call him a "slut" and "dirty whore" while I spanked him with the other hand. :laugh:And he also came on my face without even asking. It was disgusting. He never did that when we were together. I noticed he was generally being a lot more aggressive and generally less respectful. WTF was that about? Edited April 17, 2010 by shadowplay
Author shadowplay Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 (edited) ^ugh, reading that over is making me sick. I can't believe I let him do all that to me. I can't believe I've thrown my self respect out the door. WTF is wrong with me. I need to get my head on straight. Edited April 17, 2010 by shadowplay
Hot Carl Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 How could you possibly let such a slutty, dirty whore get to you like this? You're the one who needs the spanking, not him.
Ronni_W Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Hugs, shadow. You are a normal human being, with normal human emotions and desires. You are far from being "an idiot". You are still important and special, loving and lovable -- whatever he is thinking, feeling and doing can't change the truth about you. Sending loving and comforting angels your way, Ronni
TLH Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Hey shadow. Be gentle with yourself. Your whole world has been turned upside down and violently shaken. And you are left with one huge mess. You don't know what to do. So you decide to do the only thing that you know- put back the pieces to the way they were before. But this is where you need to be brave and courageous, why not put the pieces the way YOU want them to be, not the way you remember them? CREATE something new, different, and exciting. You can create a whole new life and reality by choosing to do so. Is it hard? Yes. Does it hurt? Yes. Is it scary? Oh yes. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Will you be happier than you ever thought possible? Without a doubt. How long will it take? I don't know. But it will happen. All you have to do is let go, and TAKE CONTROL of your own life, happiness, and experiences. Be brave shadow. Be strong. Treat yourself with love and respect. FORGIVE yourself. You are not alone. Be gentle with your feelings and emotions. But let go of fear and roll with the current of life. The universe never makes mistakes and you have to trust that. This breakup is just part of the journey. It's not the destination. Sending much love, healing, and comfort your way :-)
Els Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 C'mon, SP. Do you really think FWB with someone whom you had/have so much emotional attachment to is possible???
Author shadowplay Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 Hey shadow. Be gentle with yourself. Your whole world has been turned upside down and violently shaken. And you are left with one huge mess. You don't know what to do. So you decide to do the only thing that you know- put back the pieces to the way they were before. But this is where you need to be brave and courageous, why not put the pieces the way YOU want them to be, not the way you remember them? CREATE something new, different, and exciting. You can create a whole new life and reality by choosing to do so. Is it hard? Yes. Does it hurt? Yes. Is it scary? Oh yes. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Will you be happier than you ever thought possible? Without a doubt. How long will it take? I don't know. But it will happen. All you have to do is let go, and TAKE CONTROL of your own life, happiness, and experiences. Be brave shadow. Be strong. Treat yourself with love and respect. FORGIVE yourself. You are not alone. Be gentle with your feelings and emotions. But let go of fear and roll with the current of life. The universe never makes mistakes and you have to trust that. This breakup is just part of the journey. It's not the destination. Sending much love, healing, and comfort your way :-) Aw, thanks. It's sweet that even a stranger reading this story would care.
CLC2008 Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Oh, and he was asking for all kinds of weird shiat when we had sex. I'm going to get into gory detail, because some of it freaked me out. (I wouldn't reveal any of this if I still respected him as much as I once did.) He wanted me to be inside him and call him a "slut" and "dirty whore" while I spanked him with the other hand. :laugh:And he also came on my face without even asking. It was disgusting. He never did that when we were together. I noticed he was generally being a lot more aggressive and generally less respectful. WTF was that about? OK I retract my statement earlier when I said he's not a bad guy, to deeply deeply disturbed. I have nothing at this point. Woah.
Author shadowplay Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 OK I retract my statement earlier when I said he's not a bad guy, to deeply deeply disturbed. I have nothing at this point. Woah. Yeah. I don't know, I try to keep an open mind when it comes to judging people about sexual stuff...since a lot of people have weird preferences...but maybe I'm being too generous.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I noticed he was generally being a lot more aggressive and generally less respectful. WTF was that about? It means he is using your body to masturbate with. It is all about him at this point. You are offering, he is merely taking.
threebyfate Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I don't think he's deeply disturbed. But I also think he was infatuated and his infatuation went away. Love doesn't turn on and off like that. My question to you shadow is, what are you going to do about this? Will you allow him to get what he wants without giving anything back? If you consider what happened with your last ex, it was a similar cycle at the tail end. Time to take a-hold of your personal pride and walk away with your dignity a little shredded but still intact. What you're doing is counterproductive to your self-worth.
Author shadowplay Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 I don't think he's deeply disturbed. But I also think he was infatuated and his infatuation went away. Love doesn't turn on and off like that. My question to you shadow is, what are you going to do about this? Will you allow him to get what he wants without giving anything back? If you consider what happened with your last ex, it was a similar cycle at the tail end. Time to take a-hold of your personal pride and walk away with your dignity a little shredded but still intact. What you're doing is counterproductive to your self-worth. Do you still think he's weak and immature? Yeah, you're right. I'm trying to get a hold of things now. I guess the question is whether I should email him to tell him I'm no longer interested in anything at all, or if I should just not contact him at all. My reason for emailing him would be to completely close that door forever. Also, he won't be thinking of me as just waiting for him, the thought of which kind of hurts my self esteem. But then again, emailing is some form of contact so maybe that's counterproductive. I could just not contact him, but I fear if I do a part of me will always be holding on to hope. It makes it so complicated that I see him several times a week and must interact with him during some of those occasions because he's my ride to one of the classes and because we're doing a project together.
threebyfate Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Yeah, you're right. I'm trying to get a hold on things now. I guess the question is whether I should email him to tell him I'm no longer interested in anything at all, or if I should just not contact him at all. My reason for emailing him would be to completely close that door forever. Also, he won't be thinking of me as just waiting for him, the thought of which kind of hurts my self esteem. But then again, emailing is some form of contact so maybe that's counterproductive. I could just not contact him, but I fear if I do a part of me will always be holding on to hope. It makes it so complicated that I see him several times a week and must interact with him during some of those occasions because he's my ride to one of the classes and because we're doing a project together.Don't contact him. If he approaches you in class and questions why you're distant, just tell him that you can't do this anymore and it's time to move on. In order to get respect, you have to learn to give yourself respect.
melodymatters Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 MUST you get a ride to school from him ???? I mean I can see acting professionally in class and nothing more, but the ride to school....ugh, you are NOT friends, again it puts you in HIS power, needing HIS largesse. I'd rather hitchhike and take my chances with a total stranger than put myself through THAT !
Author shadowplay Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 MUST you get a ride to school from him ???? I mean I can see acting professionally in class and nothing more, but the ride to school....ugh, you are NOT friends, again it puts you in HIS power, needing HIS largesse. I'd rather hitchhike and take my chances with a total stranger than put myself through THAT ! Actually, I'm working on that. I'm looking for another ride before Tuesday. I might also see if I can find another group for the class project. It's a bit late, since it's already been started, but hopefully it's doable.
threebyfate Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Do you still think he's weak and immature?Looks like I responded before you added this question. I think he's immature but then, he's only 22. I most definitely think he's weak. I also agree with mel that you avoid those rides to school. You can be civil in class to get projects done but that's it. Hold onto your dignity.
CLC2008 Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I don't think he's deeply disturbed. But I also think he was infatuated and his infatuation went away. Love doesn't turn on and off like that. My question to you shadow is, what are you going to do about this? Will you allow him to get what he wants without giving anything back? If you consider what happened with your last ex, it was a similar cycle at the tail end. Time to take a-hold of your personal pride and walk away with your dignity a little shredded but still intact. What you're doing is counterproductive to your self-worth. Someone who wants their ex girlfriend to penetrate him anally, while she calls him a "slut" and "dirty whore", then be spanked by her, and ejaculates on her face afterwards without permission, is not alarming to you? Infatuation or not, that is highly alarming to me, sorry.
Hot Carl Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 That's all just part of normal love-making. Don't be silly. I'm a dirty whore sometimes myself. I can be so naugh-ty! Oh I deserve such a spanking...
CLC2008 Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 That's all just part of normal love-making. Don't be silly. I'm a dirty whore sometimes myself. I can be so naugh-ty! Oh I deserve such a spanking... OK that was funny. Light spanking, yes, that's fine. I get that. Maybe I just see it differently, who knows.
Author shadowplay Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 Oddly enough this is the second of my four serious relationships where my boyfriend wanted to be pegged, dominated and humiliated. Sometimes I like to be slightly dominant in bed, but not nearly to that extent. In the other relationship, he later decided he was transgendered and is now in the process of transitioning into a woman. That's all well and good, but it makes me wonder if it my "man" picker is off.
threebyfate Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 There appears to be a growing culture of Dom/Subs. While it's not my thing, finding even light spanking and crudeness during sex to be a turn-off, I'm not going to draw conclusions based on other people's sexuality.
Hot Carl Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Oddly enough this is the second of my four serious relationships where my boyfriend wanted to be pegged, dominated and humiliated. Sometimes I like to be slightly dominant in bed, but not nearly to that extent. In the other relationship, he later decided he was transgendered and is now in the process of transitioning into a woman. That's all well and good, but it makes me wonder if it my "man" picker is off. I've seen pictures of the men you said you found attractive. I honestly think your "man picker" doesn't really pick men. What's wrong with a good, strong, stereotypical MAN? Why do you need to go for the creative, confused types?
Author shadowplay Posted April 18, 2010 Author Posted April 18, 2010 I've seen pictures of the men you said you found attractive. I honestly think your "man picker" doesn't really pick men. What's wrong with a good, strong, stereotypical MAN? Why do you need to go for the creative, confused types? Must creative and confused always go together? I wish I could just find a guy who shares my interests in the arts and is solid. Blah.
melodymatters Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Must creative and confused always go together? I wish I could just find a guy who shares my interests in the arts and is solid. Blah. Having suffered from the same curse in my 20's I can answer this one. The answer is yes, but he will likely be chubby and balding as well as charming and brilliant.... and solid. My solution, I started going for the semi hot blue collar types instead which actually worked better much to my surprise.
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