spookie Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Men - what would be your reaction to having gotten someone pregnant accidentally? Is pregnancy a risk you seriously consider before getting sexually involved? If so, are you prepared to be a father? Or do you expect the woman to have an abortion? If that's your expectation, how clear are you about communicating it? Would you resent the woman for not having an abortion if you didn't want a child right now? Would you feel an obligation to provide for it? How would a pregnancy affect how you feel about the woman, and your relationship? Women, what are your expectations of your sexual partners in the case that you accidentally get pregnant? A recent pregnancy scare got me thinking about this, and I would love to hear any stories!
Jambalaya Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I don't want kids, never have done, can't say I never will because who knows what my mind will say I want next year,or the year after? my other half really wants them. I have always taken the 'my body, my choice' route and insist on being responsible for the use of contraception to protect myself. If I did get pregnant now, as harsh as it may seem, I would go straight for an abortion - no questions asked and I probably wouldn't tell my partner. Technically it's none of his business. I don't elaborate on what happens to the condom after sex, so why tell him what an errant sperm did? Years ago I had a scare whilst I was with my husband. Used a test or three LOL and found out I wasn't. Chucked them in the bin. My husband found them in the bin and a huge row ensued - why didn't I tell him? etc etc It came to this - I was scared, I took a test, it came to nought. I didn't think I needed to announce that I'd urinated on a stick.
Eeyore79 Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I'm a woman, and if I got pregnant and chose not to keep the baby then I probably wouldn't inform the father unless we were in a serious relationship. There's nothing he can do about my choice anyway, so why torture him with it? If I chose to keep the child, I'd expect the man to be a proper father to it, though I have to admit that if the guy didn't want the child then I'd be inclined to have an abortion anyway. The notable exception to that rule is if I was pushing forty and my chances of finding a long-term partner and having kids were becoming slim... then I might keep the baby regardless of the father's wishes, simply because I wanted a child before it was too late. But my general rule would be not to keep it unless we both wanted it and were in a serious relationship.
Author spookie Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 Thanks for the responses. Personally, tho I am strongly pro-choice, and I don't want a child right now, I could not have an abortion, were I to get pregnant accidentally. I had one in college, largely because my bf at the time made me feel like if I'd kept it, I'd be ruining his life, and afterward, I basically went off the deep end. I have nothing but respect for other women's choices, but it's just not something I could put myself through again. That said, I am wondering what assumptions the men I have slept with have about what would happen in the case of an accidental pregnancy. In an ideal world, I'd have discussed this with them beforehand, but admitedly, I have never had that conversation with anyone. In the case of the bf that did knock me up, we were both surprised about each other's reaction to the pregnancy, even tho it was a pretty serious, long-term relationship.
Citizen Erased Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Having the conversation is best spookie, it was brought up with my current guy and I informed him that abortion was not something I can live with. We all have our limits. If they continue to have a sexual relationship with you with that knowledge, well they have made their decision and should be held accountable.
Els Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I plan to discuss the 'what if' of pregnancy with any potential partner before intercourse, and having done so I would expect his full support and cooperation on the path that we decided on previously.
Pyro Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Unlike some individuals I know IRL and on here, I hold myself accountable to my actions...... no excuses, no bytching. Communication and remaining calm is how to go about it. Discuss the options available and go from there.
sagetalk Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I'm a woman, and if I got pregnant and chose not to keep the baby then I probably wouldn't inform the father unless we were in a serious relationship. There's nothing he can do about my choice anyway, so why torture him with it? That is extremely cruel.
ADF Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 My reaction to getting someone pregnant accidentally? About what you'd expect. Shock, anxiety, dread. But the good news is there is no reason that ever need happen. This is 2010, not 1865. Safe, reliable contraception is readily available, and I use it consistently. Problem solved. But some of the other questions you ask are kind of beside the point. It doesn't matter if I "expect" my partner to have an abortion--that is her decision, not mine. It doesn't matter if I feel "obligated" to support my child--the law says I have to. Men should realize their decision about whether to become fathers begins and ends at the point of conception. Once conception occurs, it is out of their hands. That is why using contraception correctly and consistently is so important. It is far easier--not to say much more decent--to wear a condom than to try to bully a woman into getting an abortion she may not want, or to risk having an innocent child go without just because you'd rather not pay child support.
Author spookie Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 ADF, this may be 2010, but I think you'll agree that for one reason or another, women get pregnant without meaning to ALL THE TIME. Condoms break. Oral contrceptives are not 100% effective. Used together the chance of pregnancy would be pretty slim, but in my real life, I honestly don't know many people who always use both, especially in long-term relationships.
Agent Thomas Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 All my life I didn't want kids. I am 23 now, and every girl I've dated to this point I didn't want kids with. Even the very loving relationships I've been a part of. But now with the girl I'm with, I hope I DO get her pregnant. I wouldn't leave her.
ADF Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 (edited) ADF, this may be 2010, but I think you'll agree that for one reason or another, women get pregnant without meaning to ALL THE TIME. Condoms break. Oral contrceptives are not 100% effective. Used together the chance of pregnancy would be pretty slim, but in my real life, I honestly don't know many people who always use both, especially in long-term relationships. No form of contraception is foolproof. But oral contraceptives have failure rates of under 1%--that's pretty darn good. Condoms break, but not nearly so often as some people claim. Used consistently and correctly, condoms offer protection comparable to that offered by oral contraceptives. Better yet, they also protect against STDs. I put statements like, "we used a rubber, but it busted" in the same category as "don't worry, the check is in the mail." Sometimes it's true, but often it isn't. I would bet dollars to donuts that in the overwhelming majority of cases, unwanted conception is not the result of contraceptive failure, but of human failure to use contraceptives. Edited April 17, 2010 by ADF
Els Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I agree that most unwanted pregnancies are due to human error with regards to contraceptive use. However, it really is not easy to attain perfect use with contraception - take BC for example. Most people think that by taking it regularly at the same time each day, they are using it 'perfectly' - but that is not true. Perfect use entails never taking ANY supplements, vitamins, medicines, or food that affect its absorption anytime near the time you take BC - and trust me, plenty do. Did you know that you can't take Vitamin C or any food containing significant amounts of Vitamin C near the time you take your BC? Bet most people haven't a clue. Also, some drugs such as antibiotics are NEVER safe to take with BC, regardless of whether you space the times out or not. AND it's not safe either even when you've stopped your antibiotics - gotta take precautionary measures for the next 7 days. How many people would know this or bother to think about it? Human error is near unavoidable.
marsle85 Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 No form of contraception is foolproof. But oral contraceptives have failure rates of under 1%--that's pretty darn good. Condoms break, but not nearly so often as some people claim. Used consistently and correctly, condoms offer protection comparable to that offered by oral contraceptives. Stick with condoms. Oral contraceptives have failure rates of 1%- when taken "correctly". This means at the same time, every day without FAIL. Naturally, a lot of women forget, and have to take it when they remember, or take two the following day. BC has a "predicted" failure rate of under 1%... but in reality- is predicted to protect against 86%+ of pregnancies.
threebyfate Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 While I agree that birthcontrol failure is primarily due to imperfect use, sometimes it does fail for other reasons. I was using the patch method of birthcontrol and it failed. But that was okay since we were already engaged and headed for the altar, as well as wanting children in the future. Pregnancy just accelerated the process. But I also agree that BOTH parties should be using birthcontrol, if it's a major concern for you. I do have to question women about having sex with someone who's irresponsible. Not only is it the irresponsible man's problem, it's your problem.
sagetalk Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Stick with condoms. Oral contraceptives have failure rates of 1%- when taken "correctly". This means at the same time, every day without FAIL. Naturally, a lot of women forget, and have to take it when they remember, or take two the following day. BC has a "predicted" failure rate of under 1%... but in reality- is predicted to protect against 86%+ of pregnancies. I use to do work at an OBGYN clinic (technical not medical), and I saw some of the pamphlets they handed out and was blown away at how ineffective these things actually are (human error as well). I think they were supposed to make you feel at ease, but it scared the heck out of me. It's amazing how close people are to becoming parents every time they have sex and most them have no idea. 14% is horrible odds to me, horrible .
Eeyore79 Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 That is extremely cruel. Why is it cruel not to tell someone you're pregnant if you're not in a serious relationship with them and you've already decided to have an abortion? Surely it's crueller to say "Haha, I'm knocked up but I'm getting rid of it, and there's nothing you can do", and possibly worry him half to death that he might end up with an unwanted child if you change your mind about the abortion. If your mind is made up, and the two of you aren;t in a serious relationship, why torture him? Why not just have the abortion and not burden his conscience about it?
sagetalk Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Why is it cruel not to tell someone you're pregnant if you're not in a serious relationship with them and you've already decided to have an abortion? Why do I need to tell you why. It's obvious. That child is not exclusively your own. It is his as well. Even if you decided to end its life, the guy should know.
Jambalaya Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Why do I need to tell you why. It's obvious. That child is not exclusively your own. It is his as well. Even if you decided to end its life, the guy should know. It's not a child. It's a fertilised egg. When you don't want a child, you stop that egg from fertilising further.
marsle85 Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Why do I need to tell you why. It's obvious. That child is not exclusively your own. It is his as well. Even if you decided to end its life, the guy should know. He absolutely should have a say in the decision. Not to mention theoretically, if he was capable and willing to raise the child - it is my opinion she should be legally responsible to give him and the child this opportunity.
aerogurl87 Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 My boyfriend and I have discussed the possibility of me getting pregnant by mistake actually and it went very well I must say. Of course no birth control is 100% full proof, so we talked about it and came to the decision that we'd 1) keep the baby 2) have to find someway for me to move to his country if that did happen and 3) we'd both work to support our child (if I got pregnant). It's much better than what my ex said when I asked him. He told me that either I'd have to get an abortion (which I'm against) or he'd leave me. Glad that's over with...
sagetalk Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 It's not a child. It's a fertilised egg. When you don't want a child, you stop that egg from fertilising further. No matter how many times you say it, it will never be true. I hope you are never in any position where someone's life is at stake.
ADF Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 He absolutely should have a say in the decision. Not to mention theoretically, if he was capable and willing to raise the child - it is my opinion she should be legally responsible to give him and the child this opportunity. But that isn't what the law says. The law says the decision is hers and hers alone. And has to be that way. Saying both the man and woman should have a say sounds sensible if you don't think about it too much. But when you start to break it down, you can see making it a mutual choice would create way too many problems. First of all, men who simply didn't feel like paying child support could go around knocking up women all over the place and walking away without paying a dime. And they'd have a strong legal defense for doing so. Because the decision was legally mutual, they could just say, "I didn't want it" and stick the mother(s) with all the bills. On the other end of the spectrum, men could legally force women to take pregnancies to term against their will. The men could argue in court that because the decision is legally mutual, she can't abort unless he gives his permission. This would basically give men control over women's bodies. It would be a terrible, terrible mess.
CLC2008 Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 It's not a child. It's a fertilised egg. When you don't want a child, you stop that egg from fertilising further. It's not a child where the child is living and breathing on it's own, but it is a life regardless, no matter what developmental stage. Terminating is a personal choice and decision, but that **fertilized egg** involves two people. Whether or not the father chooses to be a part of that, is his choice, but he does have the right to know.
marsle85 Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 It's not a child where the child is living and breathing on it's own, but it is a life regardless, no matter what developmental stage. Terminating is a personal choice and decision, but that **fertilized egg** involves two people. Whether or not the father chooses to be a part of that, is his choice, but he does have the right to know. I totally agree. Not only does he have the right to know, but I STRONGLY believe he should have the opportunity to be that child's father.
Recommended Posts