minutebyminute Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I have been all over this board. I'm back at step one again. I miss my OM so much, I'm starting to think, for real, all due respects to all that will respond, that I truly had genuine love for this person. It's been 9 months. I cannot get over him. My everyday thoughts are mostly about him, right now I am a functional person, but I need to talk to him. Am I using him as a scapegoat for a terrible marriage? or the love that I have never had? I just know he made me feel so whole, such a woman, so solid, and now I am back to the way I was before, just feeling like the cleaning lady circa 1920 granny panties and all. I don't feel my body, I just live. I just miss G so much.
Lovelybird Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 In the beginning did you husband make you feel a whole woman and fulfilled? why did you marry your husband?
HURT LOVER Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I was the OM in a 12 yr relationship with a MW who is still married 22 yrs now. I miss her very much. I did something to her by letting her H know about us once she wanted didn't want me anymore. I was so mad at her for that because I gave her my heart. I felt she threw me under the bus. I was just to past the time. Loving her was my high anything she wanted from me I would get for her. The little things she always loved . When ever I saw her I always made it very special for her. Down to her favorite food I would have for her when she came to see me. He made you feel special all the all time I'm pretty sure. You were the only one that matter.
Lovelybird Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I was the OM in a 12 yr relationship with a MW who is still married 22 yrs now. I miss her very much. I did something to her by letting her H know about us once she wanted didn't want me anymore. I was so mad at her for that because I gave her my heart. I felt she threw me under the bus. I was just to past the time. Loving her was my high anything she wanted from me I would get for her. The little things she always loved . When ever I saw her I always made it very special for her. Down to her favorite food I would have for her when she came to see me. He made you feel special all the all time I'm pretty sure. You were the only one that matter. Are you the one who also wants to revenge the MW? and told her husband about the affair?
HURT LOVER Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Are you the one who also wants to revenge the MW? and told her husband about the affair? I am you know I was just mad. I know I can't be mad forever with her. I just felt used especially when I put my heart out there.
Lovelybird Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I am you know I was just mad. I know I can't be mad forever with her. I just felt used especially when I put my heart out there. Ok, I see. And what make you think she will stop using you in the future? even if it is not her intention to use you, you feel this way anyway. I think she is trying to make herself feel good and complete, in the end it isn't true love. If it is true love, she would consider your emotional well being rather than her own convenience. You cannot change her, you know.
HURT LOVER Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Ok, I see. And what make you think she will stop using you in the future? even if it is not her intention to use you, you feel this way anyway. I think she is trying to make herself feel good and complete, in the end it isn't true love. If it is true love, she would consider your emotional well being rather than her own convenience. You cannot change her, you know. I get what you are saying. But part of me has to think that she did love me. If not how do be with a person so long and not feel anything for them.
Lovelybird Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I get what you are saying. But part of me has to think that she did love me. If not how do be with a person so long and not feel anything for them. This is a mystery for me as well. Probably you are measuring her heart with your own, people's heart can be so different. Maybe she really does care about you as a person, but not enough make her divorce for you. she wants ALL, but not willing to sacrifice for you or her husband, like a spoiled child, and you are doing the spoiling. Probably she is experiencing emptiness in her heart, and she uses an affair to fill that hole, and your emotional well being is the price. Probably you are avoiding your own issues as well by being an OM?
califnan Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Minute.. Forgive me I haven't followed your story before now. Would you rather be married to the OM Instead of your husband?
jthorne Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Minute, I went back and read some of your other posts. What I did not glean from what I read was whether your OM is married. Either way, I would encourage you to think of him before contacting him, instead of thinking of yourself. If you strung this man along, contacting him only benefits you, not him. Perhaps he has wounds of his own to heal. Your contact may reopen those wounds. You are still married. In any case, you owe it to the OM to stay NC unless you are divorced. It's simply not fair to him.
Heather1 Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I know what you mean!! The mom jeans existing & passing the days. The only thing stopping me from breaking NC is the rejection. I can't handle any more of that thank you very much. I've taken the risk too many times with him. If that's not your case, then maybe it's ok? Not to be moraless here, but I was happy & felt really good for awhile. If he can still contribute to your life positively & not want more? Do you want more?
whichwayisup Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Why not just divorce your husband, and THEN contact your OM - start a relationship with him? To contact him now is so pointless. 1)it's not fair to your OM and 2)it's not fair to your husband. Plus, it'll probably just start up the affair again. You cannot be 'friends' with the OM, not while you're married. It just won't work. JT is right and I'll say it again, stay in NC mode until you're officially divorced and free to pursue your OM..
Joobi Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 (edited) I also agree here. Don't contact him now because it will probably bring things back and destabilise you even further. Also, what if he has moved on or doesn't want to hear from you. I don't think that you would want to hear something like that right now... Instead, try to make a decision about what you want (irrespective of xOM) for you future in your relationships and the other aspects of your life. You say the marriage is terrible- did you want to work on it or have you? The best advice I can give you from the heart is to sort out one thing at a time here. The reason is that no matter what xOM says, it can affect your choices (ie is he free or not, is he interested or not?) and I think you need to stabilise your life right now just considering what is best for you with all the things you currently have (home, job, friends, family, M etc). Whatever you say to him and he to you will only add an additional layer of complexity to an already difficult situation (imo). I suggest: First sort out your issues with your M (D, separation, reconcilliation, MC- whatever you want and need). Then you will be in a much stronger place to figure out what you really need. And you will be able to answer your own question as to whether 'G' was a way out of the marriage or something more? Best of luck in finding yourself. Edited April 17, 2010 by Joobi spelling error
Author minutebyminute Posted April 18, 2010 Author Posted April 18, 2010 Thanks for the replies. I'm just an emotional mess right now. My life is not in order, I loved him at one time, gave my everything to him, tried when most would have given up, and then tried some more all the while my friends, family and even his family and his friends wondering what was wrong with me for putting up with him. Fast forward, things are much more stable than it has ever been before, I am just not in love with my H like I was before. He betrayed me, my trust, my loyalty, my all. Then I betrayed him. I had an affair. Yes, I would like to be with the OM. Yes, I love this person. I go back and forth. The other man clammed up on me. He has to date never talked to me about my decisions to stay with the H, it just kind of had to be, loss of job, loss of house, children, I made the decision to keep the family together, even though I wanted out. I told my H this, he wouldn't let go. Looking at my children, being from a divorced home, I made the decision to stay in the marriage, for the time being. My H and I just co-exist. He works days, I work nights and that suits "me" just fine. I've lost interest in our relationship and he is too lazy to make it better, it has always been left up to me. The affair opened my eyes to a lot of things. Mainly I have only one life, and it is short, but I had children and I owe things to them and have to forsake things for them because of my parental obligations. I know if I had the monetary chance I would leave, but I don't. My kids need a Dad, he is a good one to them, lazy , but good. So. . .I made my choices, but lately I just crave the OM. I want to talk to him so badly. I miss feeling like a woman, I miss feeling sexy and alive. The whole Marriage C thing, I don't want it, because I don't want my marriage. Get a divorce? The whole purpose of my life right now is to raise my kids. I'm just lost.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Excuses, is all i hear. Nothing is stopping you from doing what you want. You dont want to be married, then get a job and get a divorce, stop wasting both of y'all time!!!
Lovelybird Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 So the OM is your solution for all this mess? He is an available man? How does this solution work for you so far? Sounds to me you only want to escape. But escape is never a solution, it often brings more and more pain and trouble It is healthy that you want to feel alive again, but there are so many ways rather than an affair to make you feel alive and loved. If you don't like Marriage Counseling, how about a personal counseling? to learn more about yourself is never a bad thing, and will reward you in your life
Heather1 Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 I'm in a similar circumstance.....totally get it. As for contacting him, like I said before I won't contact my xOM mostly for fear of rejection. How do you think he'll react? I need to read up on your posts to see how it ended, etc.. I had the life is short feeling that got me into my mess after a string of funerals. It sounds more like you're having an "is this all there is?" moment. I work w/ all men at a pretty cool place. I swear, if I had to place my worth on being the best snack/soccer mom I'd be one unhappy camper!! I love my kids, the stay home mom stint for 15 years almost made me completely lose myself. I resent my H for leaving me alone that whole time w/ no help. But I'm with you, there's nothing "wrong" with us enough to divorce. I'm dying of boredom & not attracted to him, but I can live with that. My xOM did not want us to get divorced & be together, so that part was understood. Don't jerk someone around if you're not both willing to keep it what it is. I know though, it's really lonely to be married, who would think?
Passion4Life Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 I have been all over this board. I'm back at step one again. I miss my OM so much, I'm starting to think, for real, all due respects to all that will respond, that I truly had genuine love for this person. It's been 9 months. I cannot get over him. My everyday thoughts are mostly about him, right now I am a functional person, but I need to talk to him. Am I using him as a scapegoat for a terrible marriage? or the love that I have never had? I just know he made me feel so whole, such a woman, so solid, and now I am back to the way I was before, just feeling like the cleaning lady circa 1920 granny panties and all. I don't feel my body, I just live. I just miss G so much. can I ask you why are you still in a terrible marriage when you are so much in love with the other man ? If your husbands knows your feelings & still wants to be with you , it shows he doesn't have self-respect so this is one more reason for you dump him . why are you wasting your life with a man you will never love ? Dont you think you can find some one , other than OM , for whom you can feel the true love & passion ? Best of luck
Author minutebyminute Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 Okay, I've been away, hoping you all will reply. Yes, I want out but what is this waiting period I have set for myself, we are suppose to move in Sep. We will be closer to immediate family for help and support,. Today, my only day off I woke up early am, I have been sick with allergies, but my cat gave birth, yes, it happened, but I have homes.. I took care of it, came home and was sick in bed. I got up tried to clean the house as much as possible before my kids came home, and then headed for bed for a 30 minute nap. As I stated before, my :Mom is staying with me because my dad died and she needs my support. She comforted my kids, but they were so happy to see I was at home, no sleep. I then told them of the litter and we had a a ball looking at the newborn kittens. I had to lay down again, sorry, I know I don't have cancer, a second time, but I am worn out, I finally got up around 5:30 and headed downstairs. wait fast forward. My Husband went to the doctor Monday, this is the results, short version: You are not as young as you used to be, if you keep up your routine you will have a MAJOR heart attack, best case scenario for you, you will have a mild heart attack to teach you what you need to know to survive. He advised him against drinking #1, fatty food intake # 2 When I woke up today, he was drunk, I hate him and I want out. We had words and of course as life would have it my 10 year old was there to hear it. I am so lonely, I just breathe. Does anyone else feel like I do?
Recommended Posts