lovelydemon Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 So I was reading another book on dating and relationships and it, once again, said that we tend to follow the dating patterns we are familiar/comfortable with. These patterns are often determined by our unconscious believes about opposite sex, dating and relationships in general. An example used in this particular book is "My father had an affair; so men will hurt and leave me" which leads to the statement-"Dating stinks. I have to risk rejection only to find a man who will probably leave me in the end anyway". The author suggests to change this position by the understanding that not all men have affairs/leave. She suggests to deal the same way with similar statements such as "men don't want commitment"- since there are many men in relationships or married. Although I do see the point in those positive statements I am having a hard time finding a positive one for my negative dating attitude, which is - "Dating stinks. I have to risk rejection and being hurt only to find out that one of us(or both of us) grew unhappy in that relationship; stay in it just for convenience of living arraignments/insurance policies/kids/marital status_____ (fill in the blank). Or we decide to get divorced and start over." Maybe I am seeing this world through dark colored glasses but I see very few/zero to none happy lasting relationships. As it is widely known,divorce rate is very high and many of people that are still married are unhappy (most of my family). Can anybody see a way to change my negative statement? Any thoughts are appreciated, thank you.
allanworks Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 the only thing keeping me going is hope. ive been in 9 bad relationships.and people say its because i was raised by my mom aka no male figure. so i turned out to be a nice guy and they finish last. im shy to so im f*****.
Romance Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Uh, I realize all men are different. I didn't have a great dad, but I have an amazing boyfriend who is everything my dad isn't. Marriage is A HUGE deal to me. a guy needs to be bodybag material, aka, not getting out of it unless one of us dies. I can't wait to get married someday, but i am waiting til I've dated them years and years so I know its right. I don't want to be part of some statistic on divorce.
Sazerac Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 the only thing keeping me going is hope. ive been in 9 bad relationships.and people say its because i was raised by my mom aka no male figure. so i turned out to be a nice guy and they finish last. im shy to so im f*****. Rubbish. I, too, came from a broken home and was raised by my mom. She did a fine job and I've been happily married for thirteen years (next month). There's quite a bit of difference between being a nice guy and being a doormat. Doormats don't take care of themselves first. You have to take care of #1 first, before you can truly take care of someone else. You have to believe you are worth it, Allanworks. I think you are. You just have to convince yourself that you are. Don't worry about being shy. It's part of your personality. A lot of girls think that's attractive. Use it to your advantage; don't let it define or limit you.
Sazerac Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 So I was reading another book on dating and relationships and it, once again, said that we tend to follow the dating patterns we are familiar/comfortable with. These patterns are often determined by our unconscious believes about opposite sex, dating and relationships in general. An example used in this particular book is "My father had an affair; so men will hurt and leave me" which leads to the statement-"Dating stinks. I have to risk rejection only to find a man who will probably leave me in the end anyway". The author suggests to change this position by the understanding that not all men have affairs/leave. She suggests to deal the same way with similar statements such as "men don't want commitment"- since there are many men in relationships or married. Although I do see the point in those positive statements I am having a hard time finding a positive one for my negative dating attitude, which is - "Dating stinks. I have to risk rejection and being hurt only to find out that one of us(or both of us) grew unhappy in that relationship; stay in it just for convenience of living arraignments/insurance policies/kids/marital status_____ (fill in the blank). Or we decide to get divorced and start over." Maybe I am seeing this world through dark colored glasses but I see very few/zero to none happy lasting relationships. As it is widely known,divorce rate is very high and many of people that are still married are unhappy (most of my family). Can anybody see a way to change my negative statement? Any thoughts are appreciated, thank you. Well, dating DOES stink. It's true. So does fishing, but I see people doing that every day as well. I do know that in order to be successful in a relationship, you have to be a whole person yourself. Not a half-person seeking their missing half. You have to be happy with yourself the way you are single, and know that you are a worthy human being worth giving love and getting love to another person. Since I don't know you, I don't know what would work to get you to that point. That's what you have to figure out. You clearly have the desire to make something work, to change the little negative statements running around in your head that keep undermining you. That, in itself, is half the problem. The other half is finding out what will work. Try this, at first. Consider that you aren't the rest of the world. You aren't your family members who are unhappy in their relationships. You are YOU, and you are unique. You are loved and capable of giving and receiving love. You are a special individual who has something wonderful and special to give to the world. Say this to yourself, even in front of a mirror. Even if you want to gag at first, or burst out laughing. Keep saying it until the gag/giggle reflex is gone. Then MEAN it. Keep applying this to other areas of your life, whenever you feel those little negative thoughts creeping up again. Feel that confidence growing in you. Little by little, you'll start feeling better about yourself. And I think you'll find it easier to meet good people who want to have a loving, meaningful relationship with you. Blessings to you, and good luck.
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