LosingBattle Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I finally had it. Short story, we broke up. We had a petty argument last night, and I told him if he broke up with me, there would be no chance of us ever getting back together. He broke up with me. I said, fine, this is it, it's over for good. I kind had been feeling distant for a few weeks. Not feeling as in love, etc. So I kind of don't feel sad about being without him (yet... or maybe not at all... maybe I don't even love him anymore, I don't know). But I do feel really bad about hurting him. He's in denial. He thinks this like all the other times we broke up, that we'll get back together. He wants to marry me. He's been a d*** to me in the relationship, many times, but he's also made me very happy on other occassions. Anyway, I think he really loves me, either that or he's way too obsessed with me and confuses it with love. He says he loves me, and only he knows what he truly feels, so I believe him that he's actually in love with me. I guess now I feel like being on my own for a long while. But he just doesn't seem to get it. I don't want to be blunt and hurt him. i don't want him to suffer over me. But just the other day he was telling me how excited he is that with every passing day, it's less time to wait for us to get married. We're not even engaged, but we had agreed before that we'd get married one day and that we were soulmates. Up until a month ago, I still felt that way. Not so much anymore. I don't know why, though. I guess all the arguing has worn me off. His jealousy of the past. my lack of freedom. I thought I could live like that forever, but I can't. And he's in denial! He treats me like this is a silly fit of mine that will pass. but it won't, I don't think. Even if at times I feel like going back to him, I say no, because I told him this would be our final break up and should stick to it. But he still acts as though we're together. How to let him down gently? He might've ruined the relationship and made me suffer for three years, but I feel like he doesn't deserve to suffer anyway. I want him to be happy above all, and I don't think he can be happy with me, he says he can be if I make an effort to change, but I'm tired of playing by his rules. He said I must not ever loved him then, and that I don't deserve his trust after what I did in the past (before I even met him...) and all that. I don't know what to do here. I want to be free. It kills me to just leave him, since he's been such a huge part of my life (my first boyfriend, first sex partner, first love, we were supposed to marry, we were together for 3 and a half years, we had a band together, we were practically soulmates since we even had silly, uncommon personality quirks in common, you get the idea), of course I'll eventually miss him and may even want him back, who knows. For a long time I thought he was the most perfect guy for me in the world, but I no longer feel that way (even though maybe he is and this is a huge mistake... I don't know! I'm so confused!!). If I tell him that I'll kill him, he might actually even do something stupid. How can i let him see that he'll be better off without me? Like I said, it'd killme to see him crying because of me.
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