WiresToWires Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 Dunno if there's a thread about relationship sacrifice here cause I'm new. But I'm wondering if there is anyone in a similar position to what I'm going through with my girlfriend My girlfriend whom I've dated 2 years and lived with for a year in a heated argument the other night said I needed to prove my love for her and quit playing the new band I just started, at least for a little while. I dunno, maybe she was just really pissed.. I mean she was, but I dunno. That seems the same as saying "If you love me, you'd have to stop hanging out with your friends." Or doing any other extracurricular activity or sport. It's not like I'm married and have kids. Shouldn't she accept me for who I am and support what I choose to do? If she did anything I'd support her fully and never ask her to quit. My new band is only 4 months old, has only one gig booked and its a benefit show and we only have a full practice together one night a week for 3 hours while my girlfriend is at work. I get together with the guitarist another night of the week for like an hour and I try to be home before my girlfriend gets home from work. I also keep my weekends entirely free for me and my girlfriend to do stuff and have told my band mates its off limits, even though that's the best free time for them. I'm compromising with my girlfriend in this way, even if we don't do anything of substance on the weekend. Basically I've been playing music for over ten years, been in multiple local bands... nothing serious, shows here in there in state and neighboring states. I'm not a partier, don't drink, smoke, do drugs, I'm not in it for "picking up chicks" and never have been. I'd only ever been chatted up by 2 girls in my ten years of playing, both were not attractive to me and I was dating someone at the time so I was like oh.. thanks for coming and listening, bye, you know just being courteous and walked away) Basically I'm just in it for the fun, it's my passion and really enjoy doing it and quite frankly I'd feel empty without it and might start resenting her for making me quit. I just don't know if it right to demand your significant other quit doing something they love that is harmless in my opinion. I mean she knew that I'm a musician coming into the relationship and didn't have a problem with it for a long time until there was talking of potentially going on tour (which never happened).
threebyfate Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 said I needed to prove my love for her The minute you hear this from anyone is the minute you should run like the wind. It's both a power play and a statement of insecurity, baggage loaded to the ceiling, that YOU are being forced to carry. Run, run, run...
Romance Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 Clearly she is a psycho. you limit ALL of your weekend time to her AND live with her AND try to make sure you're home when she is. She is a needy person and can't survive on her own, pathetic.
Agent Thomas Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I don't think we should be calling her psycho and such before knowing details about her. Who knows what could've been said during this argument, what it could've meant, etc. We don't know why she said that, or if she has a history of that type of behavior. You need to discuss with her what you are talking about in this topic. Ask her what she meant by it, if she really feels that way, etc.
Romance Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Pretty sure I can call her a psycho if I'd like to but thanks Agent Thomas for the suggestions!
Agent Thomas Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Pretty sure I can call her a psycho if I'd like to but thanks Agent Thomas for the suggestions! True. Putting other people down will help us feel better about ourselves. Let's bash Obama next, he is a garbage president.
Jersey Shortie Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I do think some sacrifice is part of love. But not this. It's not right for her to ask that you give up something you love and are dedicated to and that she knew you enjoyed when you started dating. I agree that this is a control/power thing.
Rorschach Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 True. Putting other people down will help us feel better about ourselves. Let's bash Obama next, he is a garbage president. I'm so glad you agree! But really anytime people throw out garbage like 'if you loved me you'd <blank>' are psychos and I always respond with 'if you loved me you wouldn't ask'.
Lakeside_runner Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 As long as being in this band does not interfere with you being a collected and reasonable human being, I don't see why you'd have to sacrifice it. From what you wrote it's not the case that you spend more time practicing with your band and spend no time with your GF. Honestly - I wouldn't even see anything wrong with you coming home an hour or two later than her once a week... What is her real deal?
Romance Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 True. Putting other people down will help us feel better about ourselves. Let's bash Obama next, he is a garbage president. lol, that was an awesome come back, good one! I am not bashing her, nor is she going to read this. From THE INFORMATION I WAS GIVEN, I am calling her a psycho. clearly none of us know the girl, thus it not being insulting. this is the internet, people don't **** rainbows and glitter, sorry bud.
Agent Thomas Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Sorry everybody, my last post was confusing. The first part was sarcasm, the second wasn't. I really do think Obama is garbage.
spiderowl Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 If you had an obnoxious or annoying friend that you really insisted on hanging out with when your girlfriend was with you, then I could understand her putting her foot down about it. But, this is your passion and it matters to you. She obviously sees it as competition for your time and affection, but according to you, you are trying to make sure it doesn't affect her too much. I think it's a sacrifice too far. You need to find out what's worrying her about this band. It could be that it's taking your time or she may feel left out if you're talking music with friends or she could be worried you'll meet another girl who's attracted to musicians. Once you know why it bothers her, you can reassure her. If this still doesn't work, point out things she does that really matter to her and say you need the music in the same way. If she still won't accept this, you may need to assert your need and stick to it. Be kind about it and understanding but say you need it because you are a creative person and music matters to you. I suspect she's not a musician at heart, though may like listening to it, and so she cannot understand this need. Music will always be there, regardless of girlfriends, so keep it up somehow. I would compromise but not at the expense of giving up the music.
threebyfate Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 The words "sacrifice" and "love" are two conflicting terms. Add in the word "proof" and you've got a mess made in dysfunctional heaven.
Rorschach Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Sorry everybody, my last post was confusing. The first part was sarcasm, the second wasn't. I really do think Obama is garbage. That just proves you have good taste. OBAMA: one big ass mistake america Ok I'll be good, no politico arguements outside of that one forum I don't go to because the liberals make me rage :confused:
georgia girl Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 IMHO, you don't sacrifice for the sake of a relationship, but you both reasonably compromise. My fiance is a triathlete and trains quite a bit. That's okay - I enjoy the fruits of his labor! But, at the same time, the year he wanted to do six triathlons during the summer (basically every other weekend for three solid months), that was asking me to sacrifice our social lives for his sport. We compromised and he gave up two - one he really wanted to do but was on the same weekend as our good friends' engagement party and the other on the weekend that I ran my first marathon. I gave back, too. There was a long-distance triathlon that he wanted me to attend and crew for that meant taking a Thursday and Friday off work to go to. I was happy to do it because he gets so much satisfaction out of competing. Find a balance that respects you, her and your relationship. From what you wrote, I don't think you're out of line but that's just me. GG
Agent Thomas Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 That just proves you have good taste. OBAMA: one big ass mistake america Ok I'll be good, no politico arguements outside of that one forum I don't go to because the liberals make me rage :confused: Show me of this forum so that I may show my support towards anti liberalism.
Rorschach Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Show me of this forum so that I may show my support towards anti liberalism. Its like, 3rd from bottom on loveshack, has nothing to do with romance so who looks down there anyway
D-Lish Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Does what she is asking seem reasonable to you? You are only practicing 1 night a week, and seeing your friend for an hour another evening. If it were my boyfriend, I'd go out of my way to encourage his passion, not stifle it. How much better would your relationship feel to you if she supported you? What she is asking is selfish and unreasonable. I'd be taking a stand and letting her know that. How is she in general with the give and take? Is she selfish and demanding about everything?
Kaplan Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 It sounds like you're already sacrificing for her because you only practice with the band when she's at work. Like the person above said, she shouldn't be trying to stifle your passion. If it's really your passion than it's a question of who you are, not just what you're doing. Is it just a question of how available you are to spend time with her? Or is there something else you didn't tell us (like sex and drugs at the band practice)? Obviously you can't spend every minute with her. It seems like you already worry a bit too much about making yourself available for her. I could be wrong about that though.
phineas Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I played cards once a week on sunday nights with the guys In the summer I played golf once a week also. My now STBXW pulled the same crap. Those two nights a week were the only nights I didn't spend with her. It wasn't enough. She eventually convinced herself I was "ignoring her" & used that justify her affair. Then all of a sudden she didn't want me around & wanted me to go out. Does she get bent if you spend time with family without her also?
tkgirl Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Does what she is asking seem reasonable to you? You are only practicing 1 night a week, and seeing your friend for an hour another evening. If it were my boyfriend, I'd go out of my way to encourage his passion, not stifle it. How much better would your relationship feel to you if she supported you? What she is asking is selfish and unreasonable. I'd be taking a stand and letting her know that. How is she in general with the give and take? Is she selfish and demanding about everything? ditto on this... you should never have to "prove" your love and anyone asks you to do so is pathetic and needs more help than you can give them... yep, that's a little harsh but I say dump the whiny b*tch.
Author WiresToWires Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 Thanks everyone for any constructive advice. It seems most of the time people just say "f that psycho bitch, run away, dump her now!" From anything I've read here or other threads & forums. I'd like to work things out with my girlfriend. I've invested a lot of time and effort into this relationship, more than any in the past and would like to marry her someday, she's a great girl at heart regardless of our ups & downs (which there have been a few.) It is a bit complicated and we did talk about why she was insisting I sacrifice playing music IN A BAND indefinitely, she wouldn't care if I just played alone at home. I guess I could still be creative, but I love being in a band and throwing ideas back & forth with people and I get a ton of satisfaction from playing live. it lets out all my stress and bottled up frustrations, I feel in a positive way. It probably is a control/jealousy/power thing for her and I'm quite aware of that - maybe because I'm the breadwinner in the relationship, have a career job, college degree, pay for most of the bills. So maybe that factors into it. The biggest thing she did state about how she sacrificed all this stuff for our relationship was her transferring schools to be closer to me and giving up going abroad so we weren't far apart for 6-9 months. This is a little complicated though, because when she did transfer schools she was only 2 hours away. She visited me every weekend during the semester she was there despite me offering multiple times to visit. She claimed she didn't like the school much and any friends she did have were kind of turning their back on her and causing drama. It was like 4-5 months into the relationship when she decided and I was like "thats great I support you and it'll be awesome that we'll get to see each other more." And then she pops out in the fight saying that the biggest reason she transferred was to be closer to me and she gave up going to a school she "liked" and "gave up on getting a degree she wanted", which I think she was just saying because she was mad. As far as the studying abroad thing goes, she didn't even have anything planned or lined up, it was just something she wanted to do, though she didn't indicate to me that it was a huge dream of hers at all when we met and she mentioned it. When we first started dating I asked her please not to go because it would be too hard on our relationship. I said this and explained why I felt that way; basically my last relationship was with a girl who studied abroad for 6 months in the UK and then stayed home 3 months after (which was still 9 hours from me) and we barely communicated except through email or AIM, and got in a lot of fights. It was really straining on the relationship for those 9 months, and then I got roped into spending pretty much all of my savings to go visit her for 10 days, which was cool and all at the time, but I decided I didn't want to go through that again. That probably makes me seem controlling and stifling her dreams, and maybe it was, but I apologized to her later when I realized it was something she really wanted to do and even offered to help pay or help find a short summer program for her to attend. She still has 2 years of school left at this point, so there's plenty of time if she wanted to do it. I even think her grandparents offered to help too. Another thing with the music is.. she is musically inclined and plays a few instruments and sings as well. She was originally going to sing for my current band, but she was too busy with school and work and wasn't really into the music myself and the rest of the band were writing so she decided to not do it. It didn't make sense to me to just end it and disappoint 3 other guys when she said "It's okay if you keep playing with the band" after all the work that was put into it. And especially because now I'm trying to start up a second project with her thats "ours" and more along the lines of what she wants to sing to. I just don't see why anybody should have to sacrifice doing something they love, like she's into photography and piano and writing and I would never ask her to quit it, I totally support her creative impulses. So in the end, she asked me if I really wanted to keep doing the band thing and I said, "yes it means a lot to me and you know that, but you mean the world to me." and she said "okay" so I dunno its probably still open for debate. Anyway, I'm totally rambling now, but thanks for reading and any positive & constructive advice. Cheers!
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