ntgomg Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 So I have a bit of a dilemma and I don't think my friends are being objective when I ask them for advice, so I am going to just put it out there in the world. About 8 months ago I developed an infatuation with one of my brother in laws friends. I'm generally not the type to wait for guys to ask me out, so I told him I thought we should meet up for a drink sometime and he said he agreed and that he'd call me. He didn't. He had told me that night that he was starting a new job the next week, so on Friday I texted him just to say I hoped that everything had gone well and that he was enjoying his new position. He called me within about a minute and said he'd been thinking about me all week and hadn't called for a couple of reasons. He'd just started dating this girl, who he wasn't serious about yet but who he really liked. He was concerned that it could get complicated because he was such good friends with my brother in law and sister (he's known my sister for a couple of decades and introduced her to her now husband). He also said he was in the middle of a career change, and just getting past some personal stuff, and wasn't sure he wanted to get involved with someone. His exact words were "I've known you and your sister for so long, it wouldn't be a question if you were a random girl, but I don't want to involve you in something I am so unsure about." I responded by saying that I wasn't in the market for a husband. That I thought he was cute, and that he makes me laugh and that I'd love to have a drink he should let me know if he was interested. We started texting back and forth (got a little bit dirty) for about a week, but it obviously was going nowhere so I let it taper off without much of a fuss. About two weeks later, I got a clearly drunken text from him one night at 2am. I didn't answer (I don't like answering drunk attempts at communication) until the next morning. We chatted all day long, and ended up in bed together that night. While I realize that many of you likely think that was a big mistake, you'll probably think the past 8 months has been too. Basically, this guy has not made clear at all what he wants from me (besides sex) and for a while I was saying I was only looking for no strings attached fun (because I was!). But I've developed feelings for him now, and am not sure how to approach it. I don't know how to tell if he likes me back, if he wants a relationship (I get the impression he doesn't) or if it's worth pursuing just because of all the drama it will cause (my sister and bro-in-law don't exactly approve). A couple other details--he isn't dating/sleeping with anyone else (which is unusual for him, when he's not in a relationship he usually has a couple things going), he isn't actively looking for anyone else. Outisde of sleeping together a couple times a week, we talk about everything (life, work, friends etc.) every single day. Any advice on what I should do? If I should tell? If I should just break it off before I set myself up to get more hurt than I already will be?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 I'd love to have a magical answer that would inspire you to maintain hope... but my strongest vibe is that he is indeed just using you for sex. That isn't a deal-breaker IF you are okay with the deal as written, but for you to proceed with any mindset beyond his merely wanting you for sex would probably be a mistake on your part. IT IS entirely fair that you have developed feelings for him, and IF you could will yourself to do so, it would be the most time-cost effective move if you would just tell him directly, clearly, and completely one night that you would like to explore the possibility of dating him with full romance. IF he rejects you, then you get to understand that you were spending time with someone who really wasn't worth your time, considering you could be putting the time to much better use in pursuit of someone who truly does recognize your many qualities. In a few days or weeks you would be very proud of yourself for having made yourself very clear to that guy, and allowed yourself at least a "chance" of pursuing the romance you would really like to share with him. I know it is tough to be vulnerable... but it is the mature thing to do, and definitely what the self-confident woman you would like to be, would do at this point. Good luck!
Author ntgomg Posted April 19, 2010 Author Posted April 19, 2010 Thank you... I think I knew that, and my friends knew that, and for some reason I just needed a completely anonymous stranger to validate that. Much appreciated.
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