foamy2001 Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 So, she tried to call while I was at work and I didn't answer. She left a rambling message saying she was sorry for how this ended and she hopes we can someday be friends. I sent her an e-mail telling her that every time she contacts me, it sets me back to day one and how I don't think a friendship would be possible. She replied saying that she has forgiven me for everything and again went into how sorry she was for the way things ended. She said the relationship became "too destructive" for her and the only way she could really end it was to focus on the bad aspects of the marriage. She said she still loves me and wishes nothing but the best for me. I don't know what to make of any of this. I'm trying to get to a point where I don't think about her every second of the day. She said she has talked to a lawyer and I have agreed to sign dissolution papers, but it seems like it is taking forever for her to get the paperwork together. Am I doing the right thing by cutting off communication? It seems like this is going to end no matter what I do and I am a 35-year old college student who works full time. I can't allow myself to get side-tracked from classwork. If there was a chance to save my marriage, it would be different. But, she seems hell-bent on ending this.
CarrieT Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 Am I doing the right thing by cutting off communication? It seems like this is going to end no matter what I do and I am a 35-year old college student who works full time. I can't allow myself to get side-tracked from classwork. If there was a chance to save my marriage, it would be different. But, she seems hell-bent on ending this. Absolutely you are doing the right thing. And when she sends you an email, DELETE it. You admit that it sends you back emotionally and I understand that completely. After my BF and I broke up, he was still trying to contact me and in the beginning, I would answer the phone and read the emails. It is incredibly destructive and the best thing you can do is NO CONTACT.
carhill Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 OP, an effective way to deal with this is to file the divorce documents yourself. You pay a filing fee and she is served by a process server or sheriff. A paralegal can help you or you can do them yourself (we did). Then, limit your contact to official divorce business. Stbx and I haven't had a non-business conversation since we agreed to divorce about a year ago. Keep it business and you can move on from this. Since she 'wishes the best for you', she'll be amicable wrt a property and/or custody and/or support settlement. Actions
Owl Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 Politely but firmly tell her that the only communication going forward will be "lawyer to lawyer". Any contact she wants to initiate should be through her laywer to your lawyer.
tnttim Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 She's feeling you out, looking to see where you stand. Keep communication lawyer to lawyer if you have no intentions of a reconciliation. You are definitely doing the right thing, no contact is always the way to go.
curiou Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 This email, under the guise of being a friendly "closure" type communication, actually is probably more for her than for you. It makes her feel good to write a "mature" message. It is helping her tie up loose emotional ends. I wouldn't think anything of it, and don't let it create questions in your head.
You Go Girl Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 The email is solely to lessen her own feelings of guilt. It is also an attempt to hold onto a little piece of you--hence the friends bit. She's not completely 100% sure herself, so if she gets to keep a little piece of you, then she hasn't entirely lost should her own life go south in the future.
whichwayisup Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 She replied saying that she has forgiven me for everything and again went into how sorry she was for the way things ended. She said the relationship became "too destructive" for her and the only way she could really end it was to focus on the bad aspects of the marriage. She said she still loves me and wishes nothing but the best for me. This is all about her, not you. If she truly cared about you, she would leave you alone. Seems SHE is the one looking for closure - Saying her peace in hopes that you'll tell her "It's OK, I understand, I'm not mad at you anymore..Good luck in life." Screw that. From now on, ignore her.
Enema Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 cccccombo breaker! Rather than echoing every other post before me, I'm going to say that I echo every post before me. Read them and abide. NC is the way to go. Strictly business from here out.
tojaz Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Stay strong Foamy, things like this can fill your head with all sorts of scenarios. Always trust actions over words! TOJAZ
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