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GF dancing at club


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Posted

Hello.

 

Hopefully this is the right place to post this.

 

I have been dating my girlfriend for just under a year. We are both in our early 30s.

 

Things had been going great until we hit a rough patch a while back and ended up bickering over silly things and not communicating all that well, when both of you think the other person isn't listening. I was dealing with some stress at my workplace and a friend being diagnosed with an illness.

 

Anyways, I was confident that we could work through it and all relationships have a lull at some point. Both being stubborn I guess. We just weren't on the same page.

 

Well, one weekend I was out of town and she went clubbing with some friends. I was okay with that since I think it's important people still do things with friends and she rarely ever does that.

 

Afterwards she admitted to dancing with some guys (grinding) and a few gave her their numbers. She didn't give out hers according to her or call them. She said it was harmless and she was just having fun.

 

When pressed about it, she told me that she'd thought we were on the ropes and so she just wanted to have a good time. And that she enjoyed the attention, but had no plans to act any further on it.

 

Whether or not she planned to call them or take it further, I find this really disrepectful and a dealbreaker. Even if she thought our relationship was in trouble, I don't think you act this way when you are in one.

 

Anyone have any comments?

 

 

 

However,

Posted

I think you're overreacting, guys give women numbers all the time, as long as she didn't call them I don't see the problem.

Posted

She already gave up on your relationship, you better dump her now before she dumps you.

Posted

However? Is there more?

 

I have mixed feelings about this. She felt your relationship was on the rocks and she was blowing off steam with a girl's night, understandable. In my opinion she crossed a line with the grinding and flirting and I DO consider her behavior disrespectful, but as she didn't give out her number or kiss anyone etc. there are others who would say her behavior was still on the right side of appropriate. It could simply be a case of clarifying boundaries to make sure you're on the same page in the future. The fact that she told you about everything (if you really believe she did) counts in her favor, if she is an honest and trustworthy person I don't see that this has to be a dealbreaker. I would still consider it a red flag, however, that she tends to seek out attention/validation in order to make herself feel better.

 

You have been together LESS than a year and already have trust and communication issues stemming from 'a while back'. How far back? Just how misunderstood and not heard were both of you feeling? I don't know how petty or serious your fighting and communications were but I'd venture a guess that she saw them as being more serious than you did as she seems to have felt a real disconnect. I would be concerned about this, the root of the problem, over one night of dancing freely confessed to if I were you. That is, if you intend to keep working on the relationship. As you have less than a year invested, don't live together and have apparently already been struggling for some time, it might make just as much sense to call it a day.

  • Author
Posted
However? Is there more?

 

I have mixed feelings about this. She felt your relationship was on the rocks and she was blowing off steam with a girl's night, understandable. In my opinion she crossed a line with the grinding and flirting and I DO consider her behavior disrespectful, but as she didn't give out her number or kiss anyone etc. there are others who would say her behavior was still on the right side of appropriate. It could simply be a case of clarifying boundaries to make sure you're on the same page in the future. The fact that she told you about everything (if you really believe she did) counts in her favor, if she is an honest and trustworthy person I don't see that this has to be a dealbreaker. I would still consider it a red flag, however, that she tends to seek out attention/validation in order to make herself feel better.

 

You have been together LESS than a year and already have trust and communication issues stemming from 'a while back'. How far back? Just how misunderstood and not heard were both of you feeling? I don't know how petty or serious your fighting and communications were but I'd venture a guess that she saw them as being more serious than you did as she seems to have felt a real disconnect. I would be concerned about this, the root of the problem, over one night of dancing freely confessed to if I were you. That is, if you intend to keep working on the relationship. As you have less than a year invested, don't live together and have apparently already been struggling for some time, it might make just as much sense to call it a day.

 

No, there was no more.

 

thanks for your response. You are right that we do have a disconnect, and so we've been trying to work through it and better understand each other. I think it's worth it to at least try. We will see if we can make it work.

 

I think my concern was that she chose to go out and attention seek and let other guys grind on her as a way to deal with her frustration over the relationship and our problems. That's a bit of a worrisome way of coping when things get tough in my view.

Posted

I think my concern was that she chose to go out and attention seek and let other guys grind on her as a way to deal with her frustration over the relationship and our problems. That's a bit of a worrisome way of coping when things get tough in my view.

 

Yeah, but that is what we women do when we are not feeling comfortable in our relationships. We want to be petted and admired and if we are having problems, we don't sit home and do the nun routine. If she honestly thought you were on the ropes enough that the relationship might not survive at all, then it is a perfectly reasonable course of action.

 

I think the fact that she was open and honest with you about what happened is very telling. I wouldn't end a relationship over something like this.

Posted

When a woman is guilty enough to tell her guy something that isn't worth feeling guilty over it usually means there is more & just telling you the tip of the iceburg alleviates her guilt a little.

 

my experiance with a cheating wife.

Posted

Ok, she made a mistake... but she didn't kiss or have sex with anyone else, and more importantly she 'fessed up when she didn't really have to. She chose to be honest with you; that has to count for something?

 

Your relationship was rocky, and she was probably feeling bad about herself... someone else gave her attention and boosted her self esteem. I'm not condoning what she did, but it isn't like she had a one night stand or anything, and she has tried to fix things by being truthful and talking to you about what happened.

 

If I were you, I'd be inclined to give her a second chance, and perhaps clarify the boundaries of what is and is not acceptable for her to do while in a relationship.

Posted

He doesn't know she didn't have sex.

He was out of town.

He only knows what she tells him.

 

It's up to him to decide if he can trust her.

 

Personally, I won't spend another night of my life wondering where my next GF is or what she's doing when she goes out like I did with my STBXW.

 

I'd rather just find a new woman.

Posted
When a woman is guilty enough to tell her guy something that isn't worth feeling guilty over it usually means there is more & just telling you the tip of the iceburg alleviates her guilt a little.

 

my experiance with a cheating wife.

 

This was my impression upon reading the OP's post as well.

 

It seems like the act of "coming clean" about *something* is usually enough to keep someone from pressing further. Thus, the idea is to confess something fairly innocuous but such that it is obviously not harmful enough to cause any real damage. As a result, she'll feel as if she came clean over something and was forgiven, even if there was actually more to it.

Posted

I think what she did was wrong!! And you are absolutely right Sad Monkey, the fact that she ran to the club and needed attention from other guys to make her feel better because you two were having a rough patch is a big problem. Is she going to do the same thing every time you get in a fight? What if you have an even bigger argument someday, is she going to do even worse??

 

I also have to agree with those who say that it's possible she did more than just grinding. I don't think she necessarily had sex with anyone, but she probably made out with at least one guy. And why did she even accept their numbers? If a guy tried to give me his number I would say "thanks, but I'm in a relationship right now" and probably apologize for misleading him so much!

 

I don't think I'd break up over this one incident if the rest of the relationship is generally good, but I'd keep my eyes open if I were you. And definitely have a talk about why she felt the need to go "grind" with other guys..

Posted
When a woman is guilty enough to tell her guy something that isn't worth feeling guilty over it usually means there is more & just telling you the tip of the iceburg alleviates her guilt a little.

 

my experiance with a cheating wife.

 

This may be true, but I'd say it's more likely that if she was serious about getting with these other guys, or she really saw it as cheating on you, she wouldn't have told you in the first place.

 

She thought the relationship was on the ropes. She needed an ego boost. Whatever happened was relatively harmless. I'd just let her know that if you two are going to stay together that you don't consider this appropriate to do. Forgive her and carry on.

Posted

If your girlfriend is seeking attention from other guys because she thought your relationship was on the rocks, that means she is putting herself out there to find another guy before she breaks up with you. I think this relationship is pretty much over. Either way, you don't trust her now and will have a hard time trusting her in the future.

Posted
Yeah, but that is what we women do when we are not feeling comfortable in our relationships. We want to be petted and admired and if we are having problems, we don't sit home and do the nun routine. If she honestly thought you were on the ropes enough that the relationship might not survive at all, then it is a perfectly reasonable course of action.

 

I think the fact that she was open and honest with you about what happened is very telling. I wouldn't end a relationship over something like this.

 

I wonder what women think when they have a problem with a guy and he goes to the strip club to "cope" with it. Probably call him a pig..or worse, and he wouldn;t even get a number.

Posted

In what context and what was her emotional state when she confessed her actions to you?

Posted

personally i dont think she did anything wrong. there is a clear line between dancing with a guy at a club, and cheating on you by having sex with him.

Posted

You see nothing wrong with going to the club and having guys grind on you with their raging hard ons while your boyfriend is out of town? All this while accepting their phone numbers?

Posted

Grinding on guys is whatever. However intending to get and give numbers and going out on the prowl is a bitch move.

Posted

Grinding with some guy is not "whatever". Screw that **** man, dump her ass. She shouldn't be out at clubs grinding on guys because she is having a hard time with the relationship.

Posted

Uh, well I think it is no big deal.

 

I'm nineteen, I have a boyfriend I love very much but I go to the club with my friends. We do dance with each other, but guys too. I don't give them my number or kiss them or anything. My boyfriend knows. It's absolutely no big deal, Im doing nothing with these men but dancing in a crowd.

Posted

I'm ambivalent about the getting guy's numbers thing. In the past I used to occasionally accept a phone number just to get the guy to buzz off peacefully, it certainly didn't mean I was intending to contact him again. In this case however there's obviously no way the OP can know what her intentions were regarding this, and personally I do think it would be more honorable and adult for her to have simply told the men she wouldn't accept their numbers because she was involved. I understand that Phineas and others believe this woman told a partial truth in order to minimize her actions and keep the OP in the dark because they experienced something similar, but I would caution that it is important to remember that the actions of their women were not reflective of the behavior of ALL women. She could easily have told the OP nothing at all in this instance so it seems illogical to assume that she must be lying now.

 

I think the comparison of her behavior to that of a man blowing off steam and getting an ego boost at a strip club is an interesting one, and fairly apt despite a few obvious discrepancies. The sexual charge and ego boost is similar, at least. Men all over the world do in fact blow off steam, get a heady sexual charge and an ego boost by visiting strip clubs, and defend this as innocent behavior because they don't actually sleep with the dancer. For many people it is an accepted part of their relationship, 'something men do.' Many other men of course do understand why this is often considered crossing a line and why it might upset their paramours and wouldn't dream of this behavior.

 

Myself, I would be upset if my husband coped with a disconnect in our marriage by going out to strip clubs instead of working things out with me. He and I are on the same page about this and he would be equally upset if I were to go out blowing off steam by flirting and grinding with strange men at a bar or club. Therefore neither of us would do this kind of thing and it is clearly understood that if we did, it would be crossing a line into unacceptable behavior.

 

OP, this is kind of what I meant earlier by clarifying boundaries to be sure you were on the same page. One man might see going to a strip club as innocent fantasy and defend it to the death, while another would see it as a betrayal of his wife; one woman might see grinding with a man at a club and letting him buy her a drink as a harmless ego boost, another will recognize it as potentially very hurtful to her SO, and refrain. You obviously think it was over the line, does she? Is she amenable to amending her views, or is she stubborn and unable to understand your concerns?

Posted
Even if she thought our relationship was in trouble, I don't think you act this way when you are in one.

 

I agree with what you are saying. You don't act that way when you are in a relationship with someone.

 

It's hard to envision your gf concluding though that the relationship was on the rocks after a year together based on what you've mentioned (i.e. stress from work, helping a friend, etc.).

 

When you say you weren't "on the same page", in what sense do you mean?

 

Maybe that's really at the heart of the matter.

Posted

 

Well, one weekend I was out of town and she went clubbing with some friends. I was okay with that since I think it's important people still do things with friends and she rarely ever does that.

 

Afterwards she admitted to dancing with some guys (grinding) and a few gave her their numbers. She didn't give out hers according to her or call them. She said it was harmless and she was just having fun.

 

When pressed about it, she told me that she'd thought we were on the ropes and so she just wanted to have a good time. And that she enjoyed the attention, but had no plans to act any further on it.

 

Whether or not she planned to call them or take it further, I find this really disrepectful and a dealbreaker. Even if she thought our relationship was in trouble, I don't think you act this way when you are in one.

 

Anyone have any comments?

 

 

I think you have a right to be annoyed with her and I would agree it's disrespectful. She was behaving selfishly. However, I do think you can work through it if you really want to. And I think it's good she told you. Tell her what you think about her actions and what they mean to you. Draw clear lines about what is and isn't respectful in a relationship. Such as going out with the girls is okay, but dancing with other guys isn't. I don't think her actions means she doesn't care about you, but I do think they mean she has alot to learn about relationships and how to deal with issues in the relationship. It all depends how much you like her and want the relationship to work.

  • Author
Posted
I agree with what you are saying. You don't act that way when you are in a relationship with someone.

 

It's hard to envision your gf concluding though that the relationship was on the rocks after a year together based on what you've mentioned (i.e. stress from work, helping a friend, etc.).

 

When you say you weren't "on the same page", in what sense do you mean?

 

Maybe that's really at the heart of the matter.

 

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

What I meant was that she took the fact I was stressed out and not always in a great mood as a personal rejection of her, rather than the fact I was going through a few weeks of being on edge etc. so, she took it to mean that things were not great, and ofcourse being stressed out, i took our bickering to mean that she didn't understand what i was going through

 

Maybe i'm "old school" in my thinking that you don't go out to a club and grind with guys and accept numbers if you are in a committed relationship. It's just a matter of respect over blowing off steam.\

 

I know when I am stressed out with dating/relationship, I go workout or go out with friends for some beers. I don't go and grind with girls at a club. If I am that unhappy with things, I end the relationship and then think about going out and garnering attention.

 

anyways, it is a red flag in my mind and hopefully we can work things out and this doesn't come up again.

 

i just wanted to get some other perspectives to see if maybe i was being unreasonable.

Posted
Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

What I meant was that she took the fact I was stressed out and not always in a great mood as a personal rejection of her, rather than the fact I was going through a few weeks of being on edge etc. so, she took it to mean that things were not great, and ofcourse being stressed out, i took our bickering to mean that she didn't understand what i was going through

 

Maybe i'm "old school" in my thinking that you don't go out to a club and grind with guys and accept numbers if you are in a committed relationship. It's just a matter of respect over blowing off steam.\

 

I know when I am stressed out with dating/relationship, I go workout or go out with friends for some beers. I don't go and grind with girls at a club. If I am that unhappy with things, I end the relationship and then think about going out and garnering attention.

 

anyways, it is a red flag in my mind and hopefully we can work things out and this doesn't come up again.

 

i just wanted to get some other perspectives to see if maybe i was being unreasonable.

 

It is good to get outside opinions and you're right, you don't go out grinding other people and getting numbers when you are in a committed relationship.

 

When issues pop up in a relationship, you TALK about them together, you don't blow the other person off, unless it gets to a point where you're both so heated that you need to blow off steam, then you do what you said (i.e. go to the gyms, talk/hang out with friends, etc.).

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