Chocolat Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 VS, I am starting to feel that something is off here. I hate saying this, because I see how keen you are on this girl and, initially, I was keen, too. But something doesn't add up. You say she is not super confident but, at the same time, she asked to see you Wednesday, after you already had Friday and Saturday set up, and now she is asking to stay over. Enthusiasm is one thing, but I am getting a sense that she is really pushing for progress. I don't mean that she is pushy, but she seems to be far more comfortable asking for time with you -- a LOT of time with you -- than most women here would be. And yet your description of her doesn't seem so consistent with a take-charge, want-it-now type of woman. I dunno... I hope I am all wrong here. I've followed your threads and you seem like a great guy. Something here is just starting to feel a bit off.
Author VertexSquared Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 VS, I am starting to feel that something is off here. I hate saying this, because I see how keen you are on this girl and, initially, I was keen, too. But something doesn't add up. You say she is not super confident but, at the same time, she asked to see you Wednesday, after you already had Friday and Saturday set up, and now she is asking to stay over. Enthusiasm is one thing, but I am getting a sense that she is really pushing for progress. I don't mean that she is pushy, but she seems to be far more comfortable asking for time with you -- a LOT of time with you -- than most women here would be. And yet your description of her doesn't seem so consistent with a take-charge, want-it-now type of woman. I dunno... I hope I am all wrong here. I've followed your threads and you seem like a great guy. Something here is just starting to feel a bit off. Can you elaborate on this, please? Do you think she's asking for more time than is normal? What red flags are you noticing here?
Chocolat Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Can you elaborate on this, please? Do you think she's asking for more time than is normal? What red flags are you noticing here? I don't know that I am. I just rereade this thread and was reminded that you asked her to be your gf, so I suppose that puts things in a slightly different light. It does seem to me, though, that she is wanting things to happen in a hurry. Look at your post #66 -- maybe I am mirroring. In any case, I am going to shut up. I really want this to be a good thing for you!
Author VertexSquared Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 I don't know that I am. I just rereade this thread and was reminded that you asked her to be your gf, so I suppose that puts things in a slightly different light. It does seem to me, though, that she is wanting things to happen in a hurry. Look at your post #66 -- maybe I am mirroring. In any case, I am going to shut up. I really want this to be a good thing for you! I do feel that she is perhaps pushing for a slightly aggressive timeline, but then again, I sometimes feel that I am too slow and I actually prefer a slightly more aggressive timeline. Plenty of people hook up after only meeting each other for a few hours. Others take months. In this case, we're at around 2 weeks (one week pre-meeting, one post-meeting). Do you think that the fact she asked if she could stay over at my place tonight is indicative that she wants to just make out, or do you think she's moving straight into sex already?
Chocolat Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Do you think that the fact she asked if she could stay over at my place tonight is indicative that she wants to just make out, or do you think she's moving straight into sex already? I would not ask this unless I was signaling a readiness for sex.
Chocolat Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I do feel that she is perhaps pushing for a slightly aggressive timeline, but then again, I sometimes feel that I am too slow and I actually prefer a slightly more aggressive timeline. Plenty of people hook up after only meeting each other for a few hours. Others take months. In this case, we're at around 2 weeks (one week pre-meeting, one post-meeting). It's only in the context if her saying that her r/s's have all ended in 6 months or less that is (maybe) a concern.
Author VertexSquared Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 It's only in the context if her saying that her r/s's have all ended in 6 months or less that is (maybe) a concern. Thing is I have never really been a 6-month kinda guy... I personally believe that 6 months is where things start to get interesting. Flaws make their ways up to the surface more easily and that's where the real test of compatibility seems to come into play. I'm just worried about tonight since I am bad at reading signals. What do you read, here?
Green Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Thing is I have never really been a 6-month kinda guy... I personally believe that 6 months is where things start to get interesting. Flaws make their ways up to the surface more easily and that's where the real test of compatibility seems to come into play. I'm just worried about tonight since I am bad at reading signals. What do you read, here? You don't have to read signals, just be funny, and respecful, and try to have sex with her. At a minimum get her out of her clothes and draw her naked.
spookie Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 v... i don't want to rain on your parade, but i'm with chocolat, i think it's a tad red-flaggish that she wants to spend every single waking momentwith you. not that there is anything wrong with you, or that you don't desreve that, but doesn't this chick have any friends/ family/ hobbies/ chores she needs to spend some time on? my concern is that she is expecting you to be her everything right away. that would not be a healthy dynamic, no matter how much you were into each other. also her telling you a couple of days after you met that she's up for anything sexually, and then inviting herself to spend the night... i find that kind of odd coming from a woman in her twenties, who doesn't seem to be looking for a ons. most girls her age are capable of tempering those butterflies you get after meeting someone who feels right, with the common sense that you just, and things may not be as they seem. i'm not saying she has a reason to be wary of you, but imo, by age 20, a person SHOULD be more wary. i'm just having a hard time understanding where her head is at.
spookie Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 for the record, im not calling her a stlu, or anything like that. i've hooked up with people after knowing them less long. but i never thought it was a good idea.
Author VertexSquared Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 v... i don't want to rain on your parade, but i'm with chocolat, i think it's a tad red-flaggish that she wants to spend every single waking momentwith you. not that there is anything wrong with you, or that you don't desreve that, but doesn't this chick have any friends/ family/ hobbies/ chores she needs to spend some time on? my concern is that she is expecting you to be her everything right away. that would not be a healthy dynamic, no matter how much you were into each other. also her telling you a couple of days after you met that she's up for anything sexually, and then inviting herself to spend the night... i find that kind of odd coming from a woman in her twenties, who doesn't seem to be looking for a ons. most girls her age are capable of tempering those butterflies you get after meeting someone who feels right, with the common sense that you just, and things may not be as they seem. i'm not saying she has a reason to be wary of you, but imo, by age 20, a person SHOULD be more wary. i'm just having a hard time understanding where her head is at. I am having a hard time understanding it all too. She's basically just told me, though, that she's never been so comfortable with anyone before. That may be part of it?
sunshinegirl Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I wonder if what Chocolat and Spookie are saying speaks to the self-esteem problem that she has raised - perhaps she has, through clinginess, driven away past boyfriends? This dynamic is worth exploring, and being a bit cautious about. Even though the spark is wonderful and seems very genuine on both sides, there is something very good to be said for PACING the relationship. Ever heard "the hotter the flame, the faster the burnout"? My future husband and I were certain about each other quickly, but we have always had time apart and on our own throughout our relationship, as we each have friends, hobbies, work, and down-time needs to tend to. I'm rooting for you - just with the others in also keeping your wits about you and your eyes wide open.
Author VertexSquared Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 I wonder if what Chocolat and Spookie are saying speaks to the self-esteem problem that she has raised - perhaps she has, through clinginess, driven away past boyfriends? This dynamic is worth exploring, and being a bit cautious about. Even though the spark is wonderful and seems very genuine on both sides, there is something very good to be said for PACING the relationship. Ever heard "the hotter the flame, the faster the burnout"? My future husband and I were certain about each other quickly, but we have always had time apart and on our own throughout our relationship, as we each have friends, hobbies, work, and down-time needs to tend to. I'm rooting for you - just with the others in also keeping your wits about you and your eyes wide open. This is one reason why I was a bit hesitant to meet so many times this week -- and why I was asking earlier in this thread. I feel like meeting like 4-5 times in a week is fairly aggressive, although I don't mind it much at all. I've always been a somewhat clingier type myself, but I've been trying to make myself more distant since I do think space can be healthy. I really do like this girl a lot and just want to make sure I'm not going to burn myself out too quickly. I guess it's better if we learn sooner rather than later that we're sexually incompatible. I know that I am slightly out of shape despite looking alright from the outside.
spookie Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 that could be it, and i hope so. but if you're having a hard time understanding it too, does that mean you're not as comfortable as she is, yet? my point is, if there's any odd feeling at all inside your gut about the breakneck speed of this, you should know that in this case, it's ok to pay attention. you may have learned to ignore your gut due to all the fxcked up sthi that happened to you in the past, but from an outsider's perspective, there are indicators that something might be not quite right here. also, you never answered my question about her friends/ family/ hobbies. what did she used to do in her free time before she met you? hiow come she's ok with not spending any more time doing it? just be careful v... there's a lot of creepsters out there. some of them are even asian and female.
Author VertexSquared Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 that could be it, and i hope so. but if you're having a hard time understanding it too, does that mean you're not as comfortable as she is, yet? my point is, if there's any odd feeling at all inside your gut about the breakneck speed of this, you should know that in this case, it's ok to pay attention. you may have learned to ignore your gut due to all the fxcked up sthi that happened to you in the past, but from an outsider's perspective, there are indicators that something might be not quite right here. also, you never answered my question about her friends/ family/ hobbies. what did she used to do in her free time before she met you? hiow come she's ok with not spending any more time doing it? just be careful v... there's a lot of creepsters out there. some of them are even asian and female. We both work in a very time-intensive field, and so free time is relatively scarce. We both pretty much spent out free time meeting up with friends/seeing new restaurants/exploring/etc. Most of the girls I've met up with (and, my friends included) have relatively few hobbies. I personally try to keep somewhat active with a small handful of things I enjoy doing in my free time, but dating doesn't prevent me from continuing to enjoy such things. I almost don't mind if someone's clingy... I like being wanted.
spookie Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 re: "sexual incompatibilty", what does that even mean, really? similar sex drives are important, but you're not going to learn about that till you're out of the honeymoon phase, anyway. i don't really think you can argue that sleeping with her earlier is better in the long run because you'll learn more about each other, faster, that way. on the other hand... what if she has std's she's not telling you about, that she's anxipous to give to you in an attempt to entrap you? farfetched? i hope so. but you only met her 2 weeks ago, off a creep's favorite resource, the internet. the only things you know about her, are what she has told you. i hope she hasn't lied, and i'm not saying she has. i just think it's smart to proceed with some degree of caution.
Green Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 seriously I would stop comming on LS for a while, just enjoy the honey moon phase and don't let people worry you about her willingness. When you find the right person they want to spend a lot of their free time with you. Dude you will ruin this if you try to be distant just for the sake of slowing things down. Do what you want. If you truely want some free time to be alone then you deserve it, but don't turn down or avoid asking this girl to hang out just as some tactic of taking things slow. Two weeks is plenty of time to know some one. I personaly think its hot to be in a relationship that takes off right from the start.
Author VertexSquared Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 I am personally completely cool with going fast or slow... I don't honestly have a preference. My concern is that she'll move too fast for *herself* and wind up either losing interest somehow if she suddenly feels like it's not fun anymore or that there's nothing left to explore. Of course, I am more likely inclined to believe that "clinginess" is what killed her past relationships, since she's never dumped anyone. Either that or her inclination to move quickly was taken advantage of by the wrong types of guys who were not into long-term things.
Green Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I am personally completely cool with going fast or slow... I don't honestly have a preference. My concern is that she'll move too fast for *herself* and wind up either losing interest somehow if she suddenly feels like it's not fun anymore or that there's nothing left to explore. Of course, I am more likely inclined to believe that "clinginess" is what killed her past relationships, since she's never dumped anyone. Either that or her inclination to move quickly was taken advantage of by the wrong types of guys who were not into long-term things. The wrong type of guy will take advantage of something like this. Don't overthink it though just enjoy the moment.
Chocolat Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I almost don't mind if someone's clingy... I like being wanted. These are not the same thing. I am not saying this girl is clingy but I emphatically am saying that someone being clingy is not the same as someone wanting you. BTW, I agree with your assessment that 6 months in is when things get interesting (actually - I'd peg this at around 4 months). As such, it might be worth exploring why this girl's r/s's seem to blow up right around then.
Author VertexSquared Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 These are not the same thing. I am not saying this girl is clingy but I emphatically am saying that someone being clingy is not the same as someone wanting you. BTW, I agree with your assessment that 6 months in is when things get interesting (actually - I'd peg this at around 4 months). As such, it might be worth exploring why this girl's r/s's seem to blow up right around then. I've asked her about it before and she says she doesn't know, but "I can ask her friends" if I wanted to.
Chocolat Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I've asked her about it before and she says she doesn't know, but "I can ask her friends" if I wanted to. HUH??? She doesn't know why her r/s's ended? Ok, that's a red flag, imo. (And if she doesn't know why, how is it that her friends would??)
Author VertexSquared Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 HUH??? She doesn't know why her r/s's ended? Ok, that's a red flag, imo. (And if she doesn't know why, how is it that her friends would??) I am guessing she was implying that it would be more accurate to get an outside perspective, since she personally doesn't know why. Her explanation was that the guys eventually lose interest and drag things out until they decide to finally leave.
Chocolat Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I am guessing she was implying that it would be more accurate to get an outside perspective, since she personally doesn't know why. Her explanation was that the guys eventually lose interest and drag things out until they decide to finally leave. But... how would her friends have a better perspective than she would? They weren't in the r/s. And why doesn't she have more insight into what happened and what part she played? Sorry V... I am not liking this line of reasoning on her part. I think I am going to leave this alone, though, as I feel that I am raining on your parade and that is not at all what I want to do. Enjoy your time with her, but be careful, ok?
Author VertexSquared Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 But... how would her friends have a better perspective than she would? They weren't in the r/s. And why doesn't she have more insight into what happened and what part she played? Sorry V... I am not liking this line of reasoning on her part. I think I am going to leave this alone, though, as I feel that I am raining on your parade and that is not at all what I want to do. Enjoy your time with her, but be careful, ok? No, I am all about being realistic. I plan on enjoying things however they play out, but I would ideally like to know of any red flags I may be missing. I don't think I've missed any so far since I think our concerns are comparable. Sometimes, though, people just don't know why the other person loses interest. In my case, though, I can usually pinpoint specific things (e.g. enjoy doing different things, different views on alcohol, etc) that contribute to the lessened attraction over time. I guess I just haven't gotten into detail with her past.
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