Now I have to wait- but for how long?

[keith_m]

My girlfriend and me broke up around two and a half months ago. She wanted to break up and said that the last six months had not been good for her. I have never cheated on her or anything like that. We kept in touch a lot at the start- and even met up a couple of times. I made the classic mistakes of telling how much I loved her and that we could work things out. At times we were both very tearful. At the start she said that she was confused. She needed time away. Because I was not smart to any of this- I continued to try to make contact. We even (initially) entertained the idea of being 'friends' but at a later meeting I explained that I beleived our core love was to strong to be reduced to that. She has on two occassions said that she thinks about me all the time. She even said at one point that she was on the verge of taking me back. When we have met- she always compliments me on how well I'm looking. I took to the gym every evening early on in this because I reckoned that she deserved to see me doing as well as I could. I have lost 1 stone in weight. We used to joke about weight loss- sadly for me it now no joke!

Anyway- we had one meeting two weeks ago- really everything went so well. We met, we hugged, we even kissed. We then had dinner- and I got the chance to explain things better. She even joined in with this. That was when she said she was on the verge of taking me back. Obviously- that gave me a sense of hope. I asked her out last weekend (one week ago) and things just were not the same. We went to the cinema and then dinner...and I guess that I was pushing for reconcilliation. But she is not into that. She says that she has to fell 100% percent about me- and she says that she just isn't there...=/

I feel like I fell down a bit during that conversation.

I apologised via text for coming on a bit to heavy with her. She said that was ok. I asked here if I gave here space and time would that help- she texted back saying yes that would help her. That was a week ago. I haven't contacted her since. And sadly I feel that it is getting to hard not to contact- even just to say a quick 'hi how are you doing' text.....

....so I am slowly eating myself up- because I don't know how long time is! A friend says that I should wait at least two to three weeks.

Sad part is that she sees my activities on FB and part of me want to block her so that she cannot see what I'm up to. But even that feels wrong.

So- any advice? Any replies welcome, thank you.

 

Keith

[kappa84]

I wonder, why do you still hang over her when she's not the last girl on the planet?

[TLH]

I can totally understand your feelings. But you need to understand that a relationship is like a drug sometimes. And when you are NC, you will go through "withdrawal" symptoms. Every cell in your body will be hurting and craving her. But you can't give in. It will pass. You have to respect her request for space. One week is great progress! Don't let it go to waste! Keep going!

 

Take this time of NC to be selfish and work on your own feelings. Try to understand WHY you need this person so much in order to feel happy. Dig deep and deal with the tough stuff. It will only make you stronger. If she decides to come back, then great! But if not, then at least you have taken the first steps towards healing. But stop driving yourself crazy.

 

As for FB, regardless of how wrong it feels you must block her. Remember, every break in communication is gonna feel awful. You are going through withdrawal. I actually deactivated my whole account. I figured that I did not want to waste my time looking into other peoples lives when my life was in such shambles. I now spend 100% of my time only thinking about myself and nurturing my needs. And I would definitely recommend it.

 

Be strong. Everything will work itself out. It will get better. But stop dwelling on what you can't control and start focusing on yourself.

 

We are all here for you.

[keith_m]

Thanks TLH for that reply. Yes- it is hard and I felt that I had exhausted everything. The saddest part is that I think she still has feelings for me. We planned to get married/kids but I left it too late. I guess that is a case of 'I had the feeling- but it has gone'.

Regarding facebook- I do know that she looks at profile. I use it for business mainly. I actually explained to her that I had to remove photos of us from mine- but she still has pictures of me/her on hers. An interesting fact is that a lot of my clothes and some possesions are still at her house that she called our home. Infact I still have the house keys. With these things and what I described when I wrote above- I hold on to hope. Again- sadly- she says that she has to feel 100% right about us- and who, I ask can be 100% perfect! She has always had concerns about my responsibilities regarding finance- I have this stuff in order now. I run my own business and things can be chaotic. As said, I'm also working out and I'm trying to remain confident- because who needs someone who is down all the time. The sad part about this break up- is that is has sapped all my confident energy that I am known for.

Personally I agree with concentrating on myself- that is something that I have no choice in doing. Just now though- as you can understand, I hope, moving on/away at this point in time is not easy while there is a glimmer that we could get back. Though my gut feeling now is that things are finishing. This girl has meant a hell of a lot to me and we have shared much. We were quite a couple according to folks that met us...

[keith_m]

...and kappa- I guys my feelings are still very strong just now- even though I know that there are plenty more out there- for just now- it doesn't seem right to go there. If anything- I'll need time to sort my head out if this senario has a negative conclusion- and that may take time.

[northstar1]

keith, sorry for your pain.

 

from what i see here, the issue is that she is making you an option, while you are making her a priority.

she's not sold 100% on getting back, but keeping enough signals out there to keep you in limbo.

i'll be honest, if she really still wanted to undeniably be with you, she would have done anything to get you back. instead, she's vaguely indicating she is 'almost' at the point she wants to take you back, but as you can see, she's not providing any action to backup that talk

 

you deserve better

 

you need to go full nc again. no more facebook, no more chatting, dinner, drinks etc. it's giving you false hope

 

if this girl truly wants you back, she'll knock down your door and tell you she made a mistake and wants to try again. anything else is crap.

[keith_m]

Thanks for that Northstar- of course what you say makes sense. I'm afraid of pulling the facebook thing because it may seem like a childish or bad tempered act.

Agreed about the banging the door down if she wants to be with me bit. I just wonder what is taking her time to reach a decision. She had implied to me that if she has to be with me for the next 40 years or so- the decision has to be the right one- ie 100%. Part of me feels that if I give her that space- ie NC things might turn around. But it is just hard waiting. In the last text that I received a week ago- she told me that she though time and space might help (her) and I guess that is the track that I'm on. To be straight with you- a neighbour told me that she needs time to miss me. My (ex) g/f told me at one meeting that in the first 4 weeks she was still angry. The next four weeks she had mellowed more towards me. I actually thought in our second last meeting which was great (but no outcome) that things might turn around- but my last meeting may have upset that because I asked her really to make her mind up. And thats when I suggested that if I backed off- would things help.

I guess that I am really prepared for another two weeks of silence- but if she doesn't contact me in a positive fashion- I will sadly have to give up the ghost. Agreed- dinner dates and drinks are out until then. It's well tricky this stuff- but I am trying to be strong.

Thanks for your input.

[northstar1]

It's hard to say why she is taking her time. She might still be working through some anger/disappointment and isn't ready to do anything. Or, she might be wondering if there is anything else out there (ie.dating others)

 

Either way, yes she might need time to miss you , and she can't do that if you are in contact. But you can't build hope on the fact that if you leave her be for 2 weeks or 2 months, that she will build up great feelings of missing you and come back. She may, but it's not worth having yourself stuck until then.

 

Your best bet mate is to cut off all contact, get back to living your life and enjoying your time (friends, hobbies, working out, travel etc) and just assume that it is done.

 

If she comes back at some point, then you evaluate how you feel at the time, and if you truly believe a reconcilliation is possible (you'll be surprised how your own perspective might change in time). If she doesn't, then you've already been healing yourself and getting used to a life without her.

[keith_m]

Again Northstar- I hear you. I guess that my problem and worry is going through the whole thing of giving up on someone that I care about and love. To accept in my own head that things are over with requires something like a paradym shift! That means dropping all the feelings, doesn't it? As said- we shared a heck of a lot together over 3 years- and, maybe I'm dumb here- but I still believe in this person. When one drops the belief- I guess thats part of healing/self repair...which would also mean finality in my head. And thats what I'm afraid of...

I also agree- how long does 'time' mean....!!! I could be hanging a long time. Like I say- I'll try to continue with NC for another two weeks- but common sense will tell me to let go if there is no positive action coming my way. Again- thanks for you valid comments...

[keith_m]

...well sadly or not. I couldn't hold out on the NC thing. Like many folks I'm reading about on here- I gave in. I texted a basic 'how are you today' message which I did not expect an answer from as that seems to be the way just now- but I did get a reply that was 'I'm fine- I hope that you are too'. I replied that I was and that I'm keeping myself in good shape. I recently took the decision to pack in smoking (because that has ramped up recently) - I told her this and she basically said 'fantastic' To cut this story short- I suggested that we meet up soon- to which her reply was lets meet up next week. I suggested Tuesday at a restuarant that we both know and like. We shared a joke on the text and she said that she was looking forward to me making her laugh! We then talked about a picture of me that is a funny one that I posted onto FB- she said that she had seen it (lol) and asked if I would send it to her. She told me that she now has that picture against my phone number in her phone. She also told me that she had got the lottery ticket that we share....blah de blah de blah.

What is going on here?! Because hope is a killer- I don't want to think that way- but she watches my FB account- she 'cares' about my well being- she wants to meet up...

Is she doing this because she wants to see the change in me? Like I said- she has said that she needs to be 100% sure if we are ever to make it.

If we do meet up- my plan is to be very positive and good humoured. I plan not to talk about any reconcilliation and I hope that she sees the best in me- I'd like to leave that positive impression before I maybe try harder at the NC thing. I want her to miss me after our meeting.

I have already implied to her that I can't go down the friends route and I think she knows this. But it would seem that I may be inadvertantly going there and that has to stop.

I'm currently writing a letter that I will take with me and give her it as we part. It is not a plea bargain letter- it just has some facts in it that she should think about...

Anyway-once again- any thoughts from you folks would be of great interest to me.

 

Keith

[EthanH]

Hi Keith,

 

You gave a great reply to my post, so I wanted to reply to yours.

 

We seem to be in such similar situations. However, you mentioned marriage potential etc, how old are you both? I think she seems older than my ex.

 

I think it is safe to say, that I was in your current situation about a week ago, and so I guess I can give you some advice.

 

Firstly, I have to get to what you said about facebook. You can read too much into why she looks at your profile still, it could be a good thing, but it could also be a habit or even that she just wants to see what you are doing, even though she doesn't want to be with you. However, I think it is a good thing that she can see what you are doing. With my ex, she admitted that she looked at my profile all the time, she basically stalked me, knew what i was writing on peoples walls, she even knew when I changed my info even when it didn't come up on mini-feed/my wall. The thing is that your ex NEEDS to see that you don't care if she sees your fb... and most importantly, if she sees you are getting on with your life even though you still want to be with her, that is an incredibly powerful thing. What you have to be careful of, is that you don't hype things up, and suggest you are too happy without her, you don't want her to think you have totally moved on, because I don't know if you have realised but when there is a break-up, there is always a feeling of 'winning the break-up', if the other person seems to be doing too well... it makes you feel like you are insignificant and in a weird way, I think it will make her move on more if she thinks you are doing the same. It will convince her that she shouldn't be sitting around being sad, and in some ways might help her move on from you as she will have some drive to get up and do things with other people.

 

I know that the time when my ex slept with a guy, it was partly because she thought I was moving on and she didn't want to be left behind.

 

So yeah, meet her, but don't be down, don't mope when you are with her, be someone who is good to be with, still flirt with her but don't seem too needy. See if you can go through the whole time without saying anything serious to her, because you know, that she will be thinking about you in that way anyway. Don't force the issue. Let her come to her own decisions. Let her decide that she wants you back because of her own feelings, not because you persuade her. Girls don't want to be with a needy guy, she might feel sorry for you, she might even agree but eventually she will lose interest.

 

good luck! oh and have a look at my reply to you on my thread

[EthanH]

also, if you want to speak about it, skype me on 'ethanhurlington'...

[keith_m]

Ethan- many thanks for your reply. Your words are good and choice.

I have been in two minds about the facebook thing. I use it for business mainly and one thought that I have had is that she will see that I am doing well. Maybe this is a good thing. I have a friend who has told me to block her and also do at least 2 weeks of no contact. This he says, will allow her to feel some kind of loss or emptyness. But the other side of this is that IF she is trying to get he mind around to getting back- things need to be done gently. I don't hate her and I don't want to provoke any negative reaction especially is she is agreeing to see me.

If the meeting that I have with her on Tuesday goes well- ie I leave her with a good impression- then I won't be blocking or anything like that. But- if things are stagnant and I do not feel any positive energy coming my way- then I might just drop her from FB and try to do the NC thing.

From what I'm reading and understanding, NC is basically the final endgame if one has realised that things are finally over. To get ones head around NC- one has to accept that in its totality. For me- I am still confused, and, I see glimmers of light. But I may be in denial here. This has by no means been a clean break up, and at times- I feel that she is just keeping her distance to make her mind up about me. While that situation continues- I can't give up. But! I really do fear of falling into the 'just friends' thing and I guess I'll have to let that be known. Tricky...

 

To answer your question- I'm 48 and she is about to turn 40.

 

Yes I did read your reply to my post on yours...so thanks!

[northstar1]

Ethan- many thanks for your reply. Your words are good and choice.

I have been in two minds about the facebook thing. I use it for business mainly and one thought that I have had is that she will see that I am doing well. Maybe this is a good thing. I have a friend who has told me to block her and also do at least 2 weeks of no contact. This he says, will allow her to feel some kind of loss or emptyness. But the other side of this is that IF she is trying to get he mind around to getting back- things need to be done gently. I don't hate her and I don't want to provoke any negative reaction especially is she is agreeing to see me.

If the meeting that I have with her on Tuesday goes well- ie I leave her with a good impression- then I won't be blocking or anything like that. But- if things are stagnant and I do not feel any positive energy coming my way- then I might just drop her from FB and try to do the NC thing.

From what I'm reading and understanding, NC is basically the final endgame if one has realised that things are finally over. To get ones head around NC- one has to accept that in its totality. For me- I am still confused, and, I see glimmers of light. But I may be in denial here. This has by no means been a clean break up, and at times- I feel that she is just keeping her distance to make her mind up about me. While that situation continues- I can't give up. But! I really do fear of falling into the 'just friends' thing and I guess I'll have to let that be known. Tricky...

 

To answer your question- I'm 48 and she is about to turn 40.

 

Yes I did read your reply to my post on yours...so thanks!

 

 

Hey Keith

 

Your friend is wise. And I'm not trying to dash your hopes here.

 

So far, how many times since your ex and you brokeup has she reached out to you first and suggested meeting up to talk about things or to get back together?

 

It seems you are doing all the work, and she's now just going along with it. You are more worried about (and I've been there) her feelings and what she is thinking that what yours are.

 

Going NC and dumping all contact (facebook as well, there is no healthy way to keep an eye on your contact list after a breakup) has nothing to do with leaving a bad impression, it is about restoring your sense of control over your life, and beginning to heal and not be constantly checking what the ex is up to.

 

If anything, going NC will leave your ex wondering more about you and having a strong impression of you, that you are a strong confident person who is moving on. Contacting an ex after a breakup often does the oppositite of what you intend. It might keep them thinking about you, but for the wrong reasons.

 

My concern here is she isn't giving many signs that she wants to reconcile. Yes, she is sharing old jokes, and agreeing to meet you etc, but it is hard to say if this is just a friendly vibe or not.

 

you talk about her wanting to keep her distance, but then you talk about not giving up. Give her her distance mate. Let her wonder what life is in entirety without you. She broke up with you. Don't let her share your life at any level of detail until she is willing to come back and say she made a mistake. Anything else is crumbs and not worth your time.

 

If you are going to meet her, don't talk about the relationship, try not to talk about the future or meeting up again. Just act like you are having a good time, but you then have our own life to get back to.

 

Then, leave it. Don't text her, don't facebook her. Leave her and see what she does. IF she truly wants you back, she will be very direct about it. IF she isn't , it's going to mean just more heartache for you.

 

I do wish you luck, I hope things work out for you. Having been in your shoes, I'm just giving you a little caution.

[keith_m]

Thanks Northstar- I really appreciate your advice here- you have experience. I'm formulating the idea that we meet- and there is no heavy conversation etc. I intend to be upbeat and cool. I want to leave a 'final' impression of me and then I will do my darndest to hit NC. I appreciate the importance of that- even though I believe that NC is something that occurs when one is going to move on. I don't like head games- who does? But this is something, as you have said, that will make her think. Of course my fear is that NC will ultimately end it. Agreed though- it would be great if she got in touch with me first...

 

Thanks for your advice my friend, Keith

[northstar1]

Thanks Northstar- I really appreciate your advice here- you have experience. I'm formulating the idea that we meet- and there is no heavy conversation etc. I intend to be upbeat and cool. I want to leave a 'final' impression of me and then I will do my darndest to hit NC. I appreciate the importance of that- even though I believe that NC is something that occurs when one is going to move on. I don't like head games- who does? But this is something, as you have said, that will make her think. Of course my fear is that NC will ultimately end it. Agreed though- it would be great if she got in touch with me first...

 

Thanks for your advice my friend, Keith

 

No worries. But just try and think about this.

 

If you go NC and she doesn't contact you to get back together and it does end for good, then it is clear she wasn't serious about a second chance in the first place. Call it a litmus test rather than playing games if you want

 

If she truly wants to reconcile, then nothing will stop her from letting you know that.

[keith_m]

Yes- of course this makes sense. It is me just denying almost, the hideous stages of disintegration. You watch one part fall away, then another and another. If I stood back from my situation- I would see that things are almost 'done'. In all states of 'emergency' we try our best to repair the damage- this is a reflex action. In its simplest form we hope that things will just blow over...but the reality is far harder. Being light about things- if this problem was not in my life- I could move on...

[keith_m]

So I am now writing a letter. It describes the positive changes that I have made, about self realisation and about the future. It's content is not to whiny or apologetic as me and my ex have already discussed this. She has basically told me that if she is to come back to me- it must come from here, and it must be 100%. We have had a few meet ups and we are about to have another tommorow. I will be on my best form and will do my utmost to be upbeat and fun. I will lay off talking about getting back together and just try to make both her and me enjoy the experience. She has told me before about the things that she misses about and is always complimentary to me, we have kissed, we have hugged and twice she has said that she is on the verge of taking me back. But we are now two and half months on.....and for me- part of my mind feels like it is collapsing. I'm considering counceling too...

In the latter part of the letter I am asking for some decision to made- either to try for reconcilliation or to ultimately finish. This is tricky. The great information that I have read on these forums has helped me think on this. I know that I can't do the 'just friends' thing and I have implied this to here before. I realise that she could give a negative response to my request- and I write that that would be final- as I have get over things and move on. I ask her in this letter- that if she has any feelings for me- that she should embrace them....

I intend to give her the letter just before we part. I ask her to give me a response within two weeks. My plan is to go NC after our meeting.

So please- tell me what you think?

 

Keith

[EthanH]

ok keith, add me on skype... (if you don't have it, to sign up takes two seconds, you just have to provide a username and password)...

 

it is 'ethanhurlington'...

 

I wrote a similar letter, and i'm writing one to her now, so I think I could provide some advice...

[keith_m]

ethan- just trying to get skype happening...