endlessblueskies Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 Hi, I'm new here. I just found this site tonight cuz well I googled "long distance relationships" and this site popped up. I'm in an LDR with my boyfriend who lives 10 hrs away. He's 24, I'm 20. He has a daughter and currently lives with one of my guy friends, which is how I met him. I'm very much in love with him, he also with me, he has already talked about marrying me and wants me to move up to Ill. to be with him. I currently am not able to because of financial reasons, I'm a broke college student living under my parents room unable to afford even a vehicle of my own at the moment. So the prospect of moving so far away is daunting. It is also a subject for him, he wants to eventually move down here but wants me to move up there with him for a while. Since I'm not able to drive up there to see him, the visits are all on him, as it is we haven't been able to see each other for about a month. It's extremely stressful on both of us. Just a glimpse into some of the things we've both been through..he's been cheated on, been in practically abusive relationships. I've been in three relationships all of which have failed. My first relationship was long distance, lasted for 1.5 yrs and ended when I was eighteen. I was engaged, and it was a very emotionally abusive relationship. He was a pathological liar and cheater. He was kicked out of the military and jailed for statuary rape and attempted rape on a stripper. My whole world turned upside down. It's been nearly two years...I still bear the scars. I've been cheated on twice since and it's hurt worse each time. My bf seems to understand how terrified I am of going through that again, how it's taken me forever to be able to trust anyone again. He gets frustrated when I get suspicious and jealous though,which I completely understand. Today he mentioned the possibility that if we were in a long distance relationship "forever" that he couldn't take it and would probably break up with me. I can understand this to a small point. On my end however, I feel like if I love him then I'll wait and yes go through torture till I can be with him...no matter how long it takes. I'm just worried about his commitment and the strength of his love for me at this point. If he's already talking about the possibility of leaving "someday,not in the near future" because of long-distance stress, how is he going to handle us being together full time and the issues with that? Am I out of line? Thoughts?
AttillatheHun Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 Hello. You just commented on my thread. Now I am commenting on yours, because ironically, I can understand perspective of your current boyfriend. I've already mentioned the 33yr old woman I am with. Being 33, she typically has a past. She has been lied to, cheated on and experienced all that which are relationship killers. Unfortunately, this has jaded her experience and perspective towards relationships and men in general. So naturally she finds it very difficult to trust, and has many moments of suspicion, jealously and insecurity. I completely understand why, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't create strains in the relationship. It is really unfortunate what you have been through, but at the end of the day, you have to treat every man you meet as a new person, and for who they are. It is unfair to that person to have to endure emotions which were the result of past relationships. Sure, you can talk to him about it and express how you feel. But don't let the insecurity become a habit, because that is a relationship killer in itself. If you did, you would be left thinking 'what would have been' if you hadn't let your insecurity control your life.
boogieboy Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 I'm just worried about his commitment and the strength of his love for me at this point. If he's already talking about the possibility of leaving "someday,not in the near future" because of long-distance stress, how is he going to handle us being together full time and the issues with that? Am I out of line? Thoughts? You are out of line. You need ot aks him this, only he knows that answer. Its a long distance relationship. Maybe you can handle being away from him for so long, but maybe he cant. I can understand his point of view, it would just be less heartbreak in the long run to bail out instead of waiting in pain. It doesnt mean he doesnt love you any less. It just means he doesnt want to endure more pain than is necessary. Thats the problem with long distance. He can probably handle living with you fine, because you wont be so far away from each other.
Romance Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 I'm in a long distance relationship and honestly unless BOTH of you are one hundred percent sure you're really in love and life is better with each other than without, do it. If theres tons of doubts it won't work. I can't stress enough how dumb it is for people who are like 'oh well i kinda like you..' to get into one of these. ps, there is a long distance relationship board on here.
Author endlessblueskies Posted April 16, 2010 Author Posted April 16, 2010 Thanks to all who replied, I appreciate the advice and I will take it to heart. I just got on here this afternoon to see if there were any replies to my thread. I sort of came to the same conclusion last night while I was laying in bed. I'm not a "religious" person but I do pray a lot, and I just poured out my soul about the past and all my fears and worries with this relationship. I feel like God was saying to me that I need to let go of my insecurities and see myself as God sees me and in reality how I know my boyfriends sees me..beautiful smart happy-me. I've been trying so hard actually to change him and his behavior that I have neglected my own which is in reality the biggest problem. It's going to be a difficult journey to break out of this past-tense thinking but I know I can do it and I can't see my life without moving on forward and overcoming my fear.
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