tiffyb Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 i just found out that the "5 month affair" my husband said he had from june 09 to oct 09 ACTUALLY STARTED IN DECEMBER 2008. we got bak together oct 10, 2009 and things have been wonderful, minus the pain of infidelity of course. he has had no contact with her whatsoever since he came home. what in the world do i do now? let it go? leave for good? im so angry right now..THEY WERE SEEING EACH OTHER THRU OUR ANNIVERSARY, MY BIRTHDAY & OUR DAUGHTERS BIRTHDAY..SOMEBODY OUT THERE GIVE ME A REALITY CHECK! (for the whole story, my other post is "soooo tired of cryin...")
FryFish Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 Its trickle truth and it hurts. Trickle truth not only completely reopens the wound but it is in fact another cut. Now you have to focus on everything that you already KNEW again but you also have to make the new stuff fit. Trickle truth makes you feel like a complete chump for believing that "finally, we are being completely honest"... I know that trickle truth was the final straw for me. Im much happier now. Im sorry I havent told you what to do but the fact that anybody acts this way to the person they betrayed really makes me livid. My advice is to leave.
dazzle22 Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 How awful. I wish some of the OW with no remorse would read posts like yours...How did the affair come out, and the truth about the length of time come out? Did he admit to it without getting caught, or only after being caught? Would probably be the last straw for me...ongoing lies.
Disintegration Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 He should have been straight forward with you about the actual length of the affair to begin with. It definitely is like reopening a wound, because what you thought was only 5 months is now doubled. If he is continually lying to you to spare your feelings or to spare the relationship he isn't doing you any favors. Constant lying only damages the relationship. It makes it harder to believe anything that comes out of his mouth.
Sazerac Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 Tiffyb, I am so sorry for you. From your other thread I see that you are in MC. This new information must be confronted and assessed before you can really make a decision about where to go with your life. For me, it would be a deal-breaker; what else is he hiding? If you want to keep working at this marriage, insist that he continues MC with you and that he explores why he either lied about the duration of his affair or omitted that particular piece of information. The fact that it was going on during several important holidays/observances in your family's life adds to the hurt geometrically.
Author tiffyb Posted April 16, 2010 Author Posted April 16, 2010 Its trickle truth and it hurts. Trickle truth not only completely reopens the wound but it is in fact another cut. Now you have to focus on everything that you already KNEW again but you also have to make the new stuff fit. Trickle truth makes you feel like a complete chump for believing that "finally, we are being completely honest"... I know that trickle truth was the final straw for me. Im much happier now. Im sorry I havent told you what to do but the fact that anybody acts this way to the person they betrayed really makes me livid. My advice is to leave. yep. ur right!
Author tiffyb Posted April 16, 2010 Author Posted April 16, 2010 How awful. I wish some of the OW with no remorse would read posts like yours...How did the affair come out, and the truth about the length of time come out? Did he admit to it without getting caught, or only after being caught? Would probably be the last straw for me...ongoing lies. the truth about the affair came out win i caught them together and i asked her "r u having sex with my husband?" she said "we have, yes." the truth about the length of time i found out yesterday when i checked my cell bill bak to december 2008. oh he didnt admit to anything or volunteer any information until the wifes surprize discovery!!! i am NOT HAPPY with either of them today and they both know it
Author tiffyb Posted April 16, 2010 Author Posted April 16, 2010 Tiffyb, I am so sorry for you. From your other thread I see that you are in MC. This new information must be confronted and assessed before you can really make a decision about where to go with your life. For me, it would be a deal-breaker; what else is he hiding? If you want to keep working at this marriage, insist that he continues MC with you and that he explores why he either lied about the duration of his affair or omitted that particular piece of information. The fact that it was going on during several important holidays/observances in your family's life adds to the hurt geometrically. gosh u guys r smart and sooo helpful. i told him today if there is anything else i need to know spill it now because anything else, other info that magically appears about his affair that i dont know already...im gone. thank you for the help!
2sunny Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 what reason does he give for not telling the truth until now? these are things he needs to be willing to work on - if he's only willing to put the effort into the cover up and lies - then there is nothing to rebuild. he needs to come completely clean - answering any and all questions you may have without with holding anything from you. he should be willing to be completely transparent with his life if you are to move forward. giving you full access to know where he is at all times, who he's with, where they're going, when he'll be home etc. also willing to give passwords to computer, cellphone, email accts (yes, expect to find secret ones) - essentially anything you think you need to have a small amount of peace of mind. ANYTHING you need to begin to trust again. willing to go no contact with the OW, nothing at all. does she have a husband? he should be told as well... anything YOU need - without getting irritated or angry for you needing the safety and security of any and all info at any time. what specific things is he willing to change in your marriage in order to REBUILD your trust? he created this mess - it's up to him to begin repairing the damage he created. if he's not willing - there isn't anything at all to work towards.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 gosh u guys r smart and sooo helpful. i told him today if there is anything else i need to know spill it now because anything else, other info that magically appears about his affair that i dont know already...im gone. you should be gone anyway. he won't change, he lied even about the timeframe...as if even if it was only one day that it should matter. here is something else...you are back with him..ask yourself honestly, does he still desire to have sex with this OW or any other women? Basically you are with a man that wants to have sex with other women, why settle for that instead of dumping him, and finding a man that only wants you?
Lizzie60 Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 Oh WOW.. what a liar!!!! He said 5 months instead of 11 ... what a jerk!!!! Honestly... I don,t see the big deal... he cheated.. period..
dazzle22 Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 Yes, on some level it is like a serial murderer saying "well, ok I lied, I killed 10 people not 5". One is enough. The only distinction I see, is that he supposedly was in a state of 'coming clean', but then oh, guess what, not really...
Woman In Blue Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 Lizzie, with all due respect, this is a betrayed wife whose trying to put her life back together. You've made it very clear here on these boards for many years that you're very proud of having casual sex with married men and don't apologize for it. That's great if it works for you. But you're not the OP, nor are you dealing with her current devastation and it matters considerably to HER that he lied - YET AGAIN. She GETS that he cheated. That's not the issue. The issue is that he LIED about the length of the affair - it's JUST ANOTHER BETRAYAL to her. Tiffy, he obviously lied to do damage control. Hell, most liars/cheaters will do as much damage control as they possibly CAN when it all hits the fan. If you didn't KNOW back then that it started in December 08, he wasn't going to HAND it to you. So it's kind of like another D-Day for you. I haven't read your whole story in the other post, but I just wanted you to know that I'm sending you good thoughts.
Sazerac Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Tiffy, he obviously lied to do damage control. Hell, most liars/cheaters will do as much damage control as they possibly CAN when it all hits the fan. If you didn't KNOW back then that it started in December 08, he wasn't going to HAND it to you. So it's kind of like another D-Day for you. I wonder if cheaters realize that when they think they're doing this "damage control", that they're really putting everything back at D-Day, like hitting a reset button on all the progress they've made. Better to just come clean with everything, once the dirty is out. One does no kindness cutting off a lizard's tail a fraction at a time. I haven't read your whole story in the other post, but I just wanted you to know that I'm sending you good thoughts. I, too. Good thoughts and prayers. Blessings and strength to you.
NoIDidn't Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Its likely that he lied about the timeframe to cover for events that would have happened that he missed or was otherwise distracted - like the anniversary and birthdays mentioned. Now is a good time to get the rest of the truth from him, if he's truly working on things now. He likely hoped you'd put the whole thing behind you and go on working with the information that you already had. Letting him know about the consequences of continuing to lie, even by omission, will help him along in this area. Or help you decide on whether you plan to stay with him.
wifeandmum Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Have had several ddays with my H. Same woman and on the second she told him to come clean or she would. He ws furious with her but told me everything including a short A with someone else. Had another dday since that one. Three now. I'd take a small lie.
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