broke up with my gf..was it for the best? :(

[indiff]

I know this is going to be a long read...but I dont have many people to talk to anymore so I hope you guys can bare with me and help me out

 

I broke up with my gf over a month ago. she said the relationship was too inconsistent and exhausting. In a way I dont blame her . when we first met I wasnt in a good place, but I still wanted to have a relationship..I wanted to feel that special connection with someone, and we did...we fell for eachother. My grandmother was dieing from leukemia so I was looking after her daily. she was like my mother..so I was depressed knowing one day she isnt going to be here. but i had days where I was in high spirits and I would bubbly and happy and there would be days where I'm just a little quiet because I would be thinking of my grandmother. That used to bother her alot..and she would always hassle me about it. ...

 

we would be sitting in the car and if I was silent for more than 30 seconds she say something like " sooooo are you going to talk? its a little weird how there is silence..i dont like it at all, I'm worried that if I don't initiate convo we will both just hit here and be silent"

 

and I always used to apologize to her and tell her that I was silent because I was thinking about stuff and it wasn't a big deal. this went on for the whole relationship but towards the end she eased up abit.

 

I was too scared to have any silence and i would have an anxiety attack over it

 

In the end I was fed up with her inconsistency with emotions and affection. I mean one day she could see she loves me and a week later she had trouble saying it at all. or if I didn't see her for a week she would get all distant. it was incredibly frustrating. she would do alot of things to frustratrate and annoy me.

 

2 months into the relationship my grandmother passed away. she was scared how I was going to cope with everything. she expects the man to deal with emotions and not consume him and that I should suck it up and move on. she used to compare me to her ex and say that he lost his father once and didn't even bother him.

 

she thinks I was too emotional and that I should be a man and suck it up. well. that day of the funeral, she kept asking all my friends " how do I support someone, I have never dealt with any emotions in my life...I just run from them. she didnt know what to do so she just sat back and patted me on the shoulder. ...

 

the day after the funeral. she didnt call or txt me to day how I was copping...nothing. 11 that night I called her and she was out with a friend, she said a quick hello and said she had to go. she then sent me a msg sayings we should break up. I was incredibly hurt

 

she said I was too emotional for her and she doesnt know how to support someone like me. she also said we were in a rut, I was out of work and I had gained weight and I wasnt't doing anything about it ( altho I was..).

 

a week later we got back together because we missed each other.

 

3 weeks after my grandmothers funeral I thought i would try to go out clubbing just to please her. so I was at her place listening to some music having some drinks, trying to get into a party mood before we go clubbing. I was thinking about my grandmother because I was missing her alot and I broke down and started crying. and I told her im really sorry but I miss my grandmother she then came back with " .why do you have to bring this up now? of all times??. Im trying to get into a good mood and you have to bring up something heavy like this?. I mean im sorry you feel like that but if you didnt want to go out you should of told me...I'm sorry I'm not good with supporting someone like this" I was so incredibly hurt but I still stuck with her. I mean she couldnt atleast be compassionate and supportive? or am I thinking too much into this?

 

 

fast forward 2 months later. and my father dies. we were at jervis bay at the time on a holiday for the weekend. the day after my father died I wanted to go home, I just wanted to go home, being on holidays is the last place I wanted to be. no...she wanted to go to the beach and sunbake..she said we are here and we should make the most of it. stupid me I went along with it. on the way home..I was in shock and wasn't talking at all. yup she gave me more **** for not talking.

 

also she didnt't want to go to my fathers funeral because she said she didnt want to face emotions. she said Ill support you in my own way..I dont have to be there. she made the excuse that she had to work that day...but I eventually got the truth out of her. she ended up coming to the funeral...because I needed her there, and she realised she was selfish and she should face her demons. that same night she went out clubbing with her friends. I didn't say anything but it would of been nice if she stayed home and comfort me.

 

towards the end of the relationship. she would go out every friday with her friends, get soo drunk to the point of almost being comatose and would be hung over and dead when it came time to see her on the weekend. this went of for 2 months and I warned her that I wont tolerate it anymore. there would be a couple of weekends where she would want me to go out clubbing with her..and again she would get drunk and act like a immature brat.

 

in the end she would take 3 hours to reply to my msgs, I would send her a msg on the weekend asking if she wanted to catch up and she would take 3 hours to get back to me. meanwhile my friends are calling me asking me if I wanted to go out and I didnt know what to say. her excuse was she was studying or the phone wasnt in her room.

 

the last time she did that...caused the break up

 

I sent her a msg 9 in the morning wishing her a good day and told her I loved her. she didn't reply on her morning tea break, or her lunch break. so I tried calling her on her lunch break to say hi...she didnt answer. I tried calling her after work...no answer. 7 that night she was on facebook talking to her friends. I tried calling her again and the phone was engaged. 8 that night she called me back and I was annoyed that it took her 9 hours to reply me. she said she didnt have time and was overwhelmed with everything.

 

so she had time to go on facebook and talk to her friends but didnt have time to even send me a msg?. she called me back and said she doesnt want to come home and explain **** to anyone. she said I was insecure and it was weird how I used to call her 3 or 4 times when she didnt answer ( do you blame me?) and she ended it.

 

I tried fighting for the relationship. and she didnt want to know. that weekend we broke up she went clubbing with her friends while I was home crying like a fool. 3 weeks later after she got back from thailand shs msgd me and this is how it went

 

her: hi there. just wanted to let you know i got back from thailand ok. how are u?

 

me: hey stranger im good thanks just working hard. glad u had a good time. hope your well

 

her: yea it was soo good. had the best time. have you thought of me since the break up....

 

me: yes i have...I havent stopped thinking about you..i miss you alot

 

her: ya I miss you too.....I saw you back on plenty of fish

 

me: yea you made it clear you didn't want to continue the relationship so im trying to move on

 

her: yea i know i was browsing and I saw you. I totally understand...wow this is so not easy..i miss all the lil things we did together.

 

me: Does this have to end? i mean we miss eachother that must mean something right? and I still love you..

 

she never replied back and I was so incredibly hurt and angry. why tell me you miss me and go down that path and not reply? why leave me hanging.

 

I was so mad I sent her an email saying

 

"is that how much I mean to you? all the times I was there for you. I treated you with respect..always have. and you dont even have the decency to reply back to my msg?. why did you msg me today? to have the last say and leave me hanging like a fricken idiot?

 

I lost all respect for you. do not ever contact me again..ever

 

good riddance.

 

she replied a day later saying

 

"hi....

 

I msged you because I thought you would to know that I got back from thailand ok. I didnt have any bad intentions with the msg. I didnt mislead you. I thought we could discuss the break up like adults.

 

your msg was not expected...I didn't know what to say thats why I didn't reply

 

if you lost respect that easily then I dont want you to have it

 

good luck with everything

 

its a shame it took it that way...

 

bye"

 

thats the last time I heard from her. is this for the best guys? we had so many good times. we both connected so well. why did she txt me?? why couldn't she just leave me alone...I feel like such a fool "sigh"

Edited April 16, 2010 by indiff

[indiff]

anyone ?

 

I really feel like crap...

[monkeymaid]

i just read all of that.

 

 

whoo, where to start. ...yes, this is for the best!

 

she is a selfish bitch. thats about as straight to the point as i can get.

 

its time to concentrate on you.

 

 

how old are you??

 

 

please keep posting on here. ...whenever you feel like talking to her, or feel sad and want to turn to her, post here. ...turn this into a safe place for you to get everything about your ex/relationship and your feelings out!!

 

you have alot on your plate right now. ...there is your grandma, your pops and a breakup. ....i would focus on your pops and grandma first. you are going to have to get yourself trough this! mourn them. cry when you are sad, smile when you remember them, yell at god if you must. start going to the gym. ...use this seemingly insurmountable set of situations to make your life better.

 

i really am sorry for your losses. this is going to sting for a bit. then, in time, you will start feeling a little stronger. then you will be indestructible!!

 

 

about your ex, it seems as if you wanted her to be there and she wasnt, so you latched on to her harder. she didnt like that as it felt constrictive, and she ran. you said it perfectly. she doesnt wwant to face her emotions.

'

 

ask yourself i fyou really want a person that will turn their back on you at a time in your life where your grandma and your father dies!! who the ****?? you really are better off without this selfish princessy bitch in your life! honestly, who cares about these little things you had such a great time with when these HUGE ****ing real life scenarios are playing out in your life and all she wants to do is get lost in a club!!!!! dude, seriously **** this girl. run. ....RUN away from her and please never ever look back. she will have the ****tiest life, and you will have the most amazing one. ...simply becasue you posses the ablitity to feel and express. she doesnt have it. you can let yourself feel great, sad, and all of the other emotions life brings at you. not many people actually let these things into their life due to fear, but youve got it!! you have that **** inside of you.

 

keep posting!!

[kappa84]

Mate, I broke up with my girl 2 months ago, after 5 years. That hurts in the beginning but hey, life goes on. Find another one to share your love with, that's what I did. Now I am feeling great.

[indiff]

i just read all of that.

 

 

whoo, where to start. ...yes, this is for the best!

 

she is a selfish bitch. thats about as straight to the point as i can get.

 

its time to concentrate on you.

 

 

how old are you??

 

 

please keep posting on here. ...whenever you feel like talking to her, or feel sad and want to turn to her, post here. ...turn this into a safe place for you to get everything about your ex/relationship and your feelings out!!

 

you have alot on your plate right now. ...there is your grandma, your pops and a breakup. ....i would focus on your pops and grandma first. you are going to have to get yourself trough this! mourn them. cry when you are sad, smile when you remember them, yell at god if you must. start going to the gym. ...use this seemingly insurmountable set of situations to make your life better.

 

i really am sorry for your losses. this is going to sting for a bit. then, in time, you will start feeling a little stronger. then you will be indestructible!!

 

 

about your ex, it seems as if you wanted her to be there and she wasnt, so you latched on to her harder. she didnt like that as it felt constrictive, and she ran. you said it perfectly. she doesnt wwant to face her emotions.

'

 

ask yourself i fyou really want a person that will turn their back on you at a time in your life where your grandma and your father dies!! who the ****?? you really are better off without this selfish princessy bitch in your life! honestly, who cares about these little things you had such a great time with when these HUGE ****ing real life scenarios are playing out in your life and all she wants to do is get lost in a club!!!!! dude, seriously **** this girl. run. ....RUN away from her and please never ever look back. she will have the ****tiest life, and you will have the most amazing one. ...simply becasue you posses the ablitity to feel and express. she doesnt have it. you can let yourself feel great, sad, and all of the other emotions life brings at you. not many people actually let these things into their life due to fear, but youve got it!! you have that **** inside of you.

 

keep posting!!

 

Hey man thank you so much for replying. really helped

 

I just keep thinking of the good times and I need to stop it. I keep thinking when she tried to comfort me by giving me a hug..that was alot for her. but it didnt last for long..

 

I know towards the end I was acting abit insecure but when she is so inconsistent with her emotions and affection...I cant really blame my self. but you are right...if this girl is constantly running from emotions how is she going to support me long term.

 

I remember her saying..exact words

 

" I shouldn't have to support someone this early in the relationship...I'm not used to it. you should only support someone when your married "

 

I always used to think that was cold and weird...but I just dismissed it

 

also..how do I get the thought of her kissing and having sex with other people of my mind? its killing me

 

oh and im 25 and she is 23

 

edit: do you think it was a good idea sending that last email? I know it was angry...but I wanted to show that I have some dignity left.

Edited April 16, 2010 by indiff

[monkeymaid]

pick up 3 books, and start reading them today!. ...over and over again

 

start with "the journey from abandonment to healing" by anderson

 

then "no more mr nice guy" by glover

 

and "pulling your own strings" by dyer

 

 

 

to be completely honest, i wouldnt have sent the first message, but thats just me. whats done is done. ...now let the shock and awe set in, and let yourself feel everything you are going to. if you wwant to wriet to her, then write the letter here, and do not send it. or in a notebook. do not sen her anything. do not give her anything ...she gone man, she doesnt care. when ...WHEN she contacts you, you are going to have to ignore her! it is actually her way of saying "i care so little about you that I am going to use you to make myself feel good" tell yourself that she is no good for you and that you NEED and DESERVE way better than this bitch. she is going to give you scraps of attention throughout the next 6 months to a year. it is now you souls duty to ignore her and force yourself to move past her.

 

as far as the sex thing, i would say to think about it till you cant take it or till you become ok with it. ..or, every time you think about it, go for a run. you will be in the best shape of your life in no time ...the sooner you realize that this is happening, the sooner you will get over it.

 

you sound quite like the way i used to be. emotionally fragile, and searching for the validation of women (specifically this one). and when you dont get it, you beat yoursefl up.

 

bro, you had not 1 but 2 DEATHS in your family, and all she was concerned about was how it made her felt. not about you, about her. its time to think about yoursefl and how you can get your needs met. nobody is going to meet them for you, so its time to sack up and meet them yourself

 

...my ex wasnt quite that bad, but she approached a similar frame of mind. i was supporting my ailing father, had to work 2 jobs and went to school full time while doting on her (thats where i went wrong) and trying to keep her happy, and all she wanted was for me to leave my dad hanging, tkae care of her so she didnthave to work, aleave one of my jobs and just be magically rich all at the same time. ...it was the idea that i was "essentially perfect if i had money" then she started in with some new guy when i got stressed out that my landlord decided to kick us out so he could sell the place. its the same selfish sentiment from both of these girls. nothing is different except the exact circumstances. the sad thingis though, that in time, they will both see their immaturity and fix it (at least i know mine will. shes 26 and in serious therapy).

[Rearden Metal]

Adults don't talk about breakups, they talk about reconciliations. There's nothing to talk about unless reconciliation is what is happening.

 

Man, you've just been through a very traumatic period. Your dad and gmother in a short time is a tremendous loss. I'm still dealing w my dad's death 4 years later. It's not easy at all.

 

She clearly does not have the capacity to support you through this trauma. That speaks to maturity and frankly, many people are never mature enough to handle that type of stress.

 

Your best bet is to practice NC and give yourself time to heal. Good luck!

[Agent Thomas]

They say opposites attract, but you two are on the COMPLETE opposite spectrum's. You're overly emotional and you need a lot of affection and compassion it seems, and this girl is a narcissist.

 

This relationship was born in hell. I see you mention plenty of fish? So you two met online?

 

Core Problem located. Show me someone normal who finds dates on plenty of fish, and I will give you my car, my college degree, and my life in general + interest.

 

I'm sorry about both your gma and father. That type of loss so close to each other is traumatizing. And I will say that this girl is very ****ed up mentally for breaking up with you right after someone you love died. There is no bigger of a red flag than this. No redder a flag than this. But you aren't innocent either, in your own way, in this relationship.

 

Learn your lesson and move on. Find a girl who isn't a narcissist. And try to tone down your expectations. Neither of you are innocent. You aren't some poor victim, because you choose to keep sucking back up to this narcissist. Learn from this and grow.

Edited April 16, 2010 by Agent Thomas

[indiff]

thanks again guys..

 

man the weekends are the hardest..

 

I dont understand tho..why did she send me those msgs saying if i still think about her ? and that she misses the things we did together? why even go there? maybe she was in 2 minds. she did say before she broke up with me that she may regret breaking up with me...

 

I keep blaming my self for some reason..

 

I forgot to mention to you guys. she also said that we werent being loving enough and that a year into the relationship it should be consistent. I tried telling her that it was her inconsistency with her emotions that would cause it.

 

for example. one day she would send me a msg saying she loves me so much and misses me, so ofcourse I would reply with an equally sweet msg. the next day I would send her a sweet sweeet msg and she would come back with " heya...thanks for coming to see me, speak soon xo" and I would be like...is she my friend or gf?...it doesn take much effort to show a little affection. that would go on for a year and thats why I got so frustrated!.

 

she even said her self before we broke up " you feel neglected dont you? like we arnt acting like bf and gf...well the feeling is mutual"

 

I showed this girl so much Love. I spend over $150 on her for valantines, bought her $200 bday present, was always there to support her no matter what...what more did I have to do??

 

and do guys think she will contact me again?...If she does...I will ignore her.

 

also just some advice guys I can take with me in the next relationship...she said she wanted a man a strong man, a man that takes charge. what defines a man?. I was so easy going I let her do what she wanted. she said she wants someone to take hey by the hand and say " ok we are going here!".. she said I didn't fit her criteria from the start, yet she still stuck with me..sigh

 

heh I remember when I first started dating her. all my friends asked me what her background is..and when they found she she was serbian they all told me to run. she even told me serbians are very hard headed people and dont show much emotion. looks like ill be avoiding them lo

Edited April 17, 2010 by indiff