bluz73 Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 Just wondering if any of you all believe your ex or any dumpers on LS felt hurt and sad over the breakup? Mine seemed very hurt, he couldnt say sorry enough to me. He overly expressed how he didnt hate me and he loved me blah blah blah He couldnt even look at me or see me one last time cause he knew how attracted he still was to me. It just makes me wonder if they were so hurt and sad Why not work on it and fix things?
USMCHokie Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 Yea, I'm sure my ex was hurting, but the breakup was for the best...and she knew that...so it would have been worse to work on it or try to fix things...so we didn't...
monkeymaid Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 i have never been more hurt in my life! almost 2 months on and im still in a bit of pain! she started a serious flirt situation with some guy from her salsa dancing scene, got caught, admitted fault then i found her 3 weeks later doing the same thing with the same guy at 3am ...i dont know if she physically cheated or not,but those texts i saw were enough to put serious doubt and severe trust issues into me. thats not someone i want mothering my children...i was going to propose. ...i started looking for a ring. i still love her to the depths of my soul. ...she has her problems with self esteem (though you would never know that) and i dream about her still. ...i still have physical pains sometimes, and i still think about her daily. i had to though. ...going through even 5 years of pain to get over her will never ever compare to a lifetime of doubt and mistrust. i had to. .i found some self respect somewhere and just fired away!
skydiveaddict Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 No the dumper does not hurt too. they may be plagued with guilt but they certainly dont hurt like you do. You, as the dumpee are left with the task of getting over the relationship and healing. The dumper however has already gotten over you, that is why you got dumped.
TLH Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 I think it depends on the situation. I know that my ex definitely hurt and I know that he still does. It's true that they have more time to detach themselves from the relationship and get mentally prepared, but I think the withdrawal symptoms are experienced by both. Some just can't take the pain and quickly start another relationship so they don't have to go through withdrawal. But this only ends in disaster. However, I try not to think too much about how my ex feels. It is no longer my business and now I have more time to nurture my feelings.
Author bluz73 Posted April 16, 2010 Author Posted April 16, 2010 No the dumper does not hurt too. they may be plagued with guilt but they certainly dont hurt like you do. You, as the dumpee are left with the task of getting over the relationship and healing. The dumper however has already gotten over you, that is why you got dumped. I dont think thats true in all cases,mine seemed hurt and so sad, he was confused and already on the fence to someone else and she just help ease his pain to get over me inwhich he admitted he was using her for that reason sad but true, but her bein 18 i guess it dont bother her.
skydiveaddict Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 I dont think thats true in all cases,mine seemed hurt and so sad, he was confused and already on the fence to someone else and she just help ease his pain to get over me inwhich he admitted he was using her for that reason sad but true, but her bein 18 i guess it dont bother her. So hurt and sad that he had to have his new 18 yr old gf help him through it. Once again, I believe it's guilt, not hurt that you were seeing
McGrupp Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 my ex cried a lot at dinner. in her letters she said this was going to hurt a lot. and then in a letter she wrote me 2 months after thebreakup she ssaid this whole thing hasnt been easy for her. im sure she got over it
Author bluz73 Posted April 16, 2010 Author Posted April 16, 2010 So hurt and sad that he had to have his new 18 yr old gf help him through it. Once again, I believe it's guilt, not hurt that you were seeing You are prob right it was guilt..i am just pissed that not even 24hrs prior he kissed me and made love to me like he meant it...thats the freakin image i have burned in my brain ((((((((((
Perhaps Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 No the dumper does not hurt too. they may be plagued with guilt but they certainly dont hurt like you do. You, as the dumpee are left with the task of getting over the relationship and healing. The dumper however has already gotten over you, that is why you got dumped. Sometimes. Sometimes breakups happen for valid reasons.
yume Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 It really depends on the breakup. My first breakup, I was completely and utterly done with the relationship and I didn't really hurt afterwards. I just knew I was done and there was nothing to be upset about...I was sorry that I had to hurt him but I had to do what was best for me, for my happiness, because I was not happy being in a relationship I didn't want to be in. Second breakup, I hurt a lot. I was confused and unsure about being in a relationship. Even now I still hurt...I have a big emotional attachment to this guy, I care about him so much (and I don't know how I'll ever stop caring) but...it just...wasn't working out between us as a couple. He agreed with me that maybe we weren't meant to be a couple, that we might need each other just as friends (though I doubt thats gonna happen). I don't know. It's hard not to think of your dumper as an unfeeling heartless person but...we have feelings too..
DenverBachelor Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 (edited) I don't know. It's hard not to think of your dumper as an unfeeling heartless person but...we have feelings too.. Of course you do. Look, everyone with very few exceptions will act on their emotions and desires and ultimately pursue what they feel will make them happy. People aren't static -- they're constantly changing, growing and wanting to experience new challenges and adventures. The bottom line to the question is that it just doesn't matter what he or she was thinking, is thinking or will be thinking. It just isn't applicable to your world view. They made the choice to say, "See ya!" and as soon as they made that decision, your obligation to care about them or worry about their thought processes comes to an end. It may take months for the realization to sink in, but once it does you will find yourself a lot different than the person they broke up with. You'll have accumulated some amazing life experiences from the pain and, if you're young and growing, you'll realize that even if they did come back to you, who they are and who you have become are completely different. The only thought processes I have over the entire event is an occasional, "wow, really?" It is just a background thought that is similar to thinking, "life can be a wild ride." But in the end, it doesn't matter what they're thinking. He or she is gone and you are hopefully beginning the process of realizing that you're on an amazing trip with no right or wrong turns but sometimes the turns can be unexpected and brutal. We're constantly being challenged in life, right? If she hadn't broken up with me back in October, I'd be the same schmuck doing the same damn thing every day and eventually wondering why I wasn't the one pulling the switch. A lot of people mistake comfort zones with happiness -AND- they become complacent and too scared to make a major life decision such as breaking up. Sometimes the only real difference between the dumper and the dumpee is finding out who's threshold for emotional pain is higher. But man, once one of them makes the call, everything changes -- demeanour, attitude, etc. Those subtle signs were there but we were either too blinded by love, fear or both to understand. It all becomes so much clearer in hindsight. Everything in life does. In the end, it isn't how long you've been in relationships or even a question of if it will last forever because nothing else in life does. We'd like to walk down the long road of life with someone that will be there until the end but the simple fact is that we all came into the world naked, crying cold and scared and then the challenges really picked up. But hey, we're human, right? What are you going to do? Its a breakup, not eternal damnation. Edited April 16, 2010 by DenverBachelor 2
EricaH329 Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 I believe that the dumpers hurt in a different way. They have a reason for breaking up with you, and they hurt because of that reason. I don't think they necessarily hurt because they can't stand the thought of never being with you again. For example: I broke up with my ex because he was a complete @$$hole to me. When I broke up with him, I was hurt because I had to dump him for that reason. Even though I know that I am much better off without him, it still hurts that he turned into (or was all along) the biggest jerk on the face of the planet. So IMO, yes they hurt. But for different reasons than the dumpee.
DenverBachelor Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 So IMO, yes they hurt. But for different reasons than the dumpee. And let's not forget that there are quite a few people out there who are afraid of life and emotions because it runs away with them. Sometimes people pull the plug because ultimately they never confronted their own insecurities, weaknesses and fears. When it comes to understanding one's own emotions and dealing with them, some people have spent most of their lives deflecting their feelings and burying them because they're afraid of what they'll unearth if they go digging in their own backyard.
EricaH329 Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 And let's not forget that there are quite a few people out there who are afraid of life and emotions because it runs away with them. Sometimes people pull the plug because ultimately they never confronted their own insecurities, weaknesses and fears. When it comes to understanding one's own emotions and dealing with them, some people have spent most of their lives deflecting their feelings and burying them because they're afraid of what they'll unearth if they go digging in their own backyard. Very, very true. But that goes further than just being hurt over the break up. Their whole life is full of confusion.
Eeyore79 Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 I broke up with someone recently, and for me it was absolutely the right decision because things weren't working out between us. I guess I felt hurt because things hadn't worked out and he wasn't the man I thought he was, but ultimately that was tempered by the feeling that breaking up was the right thing to do. I know he felt that breaking up was wrong; he wanted to fix things and I just couldn't see any way for things to be fixed. So I imagine he feels worse than me, because at the end of the day he still feels like he wanted to give things another chance instead of quitting. I've already come to terms with the fact that it's over (hence why I decided to do the dumping) but he still wishes we could try again, so I guess he feels worse than me. I feel guilty for hurting him, but I know that breaking up is the right decision - I guess my guilt is easier to bear than his sorrow.
Toki Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 Yes, I guess a similar feeling would be to have to put down a favorite animal because any sort of life it was going to lead would be painful and miserable. That's the closest similarity I can think of.
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 It depends on the ex. I know my ex was hurt over the break-up, our first break-up anyway. I think he felt a lot of guilt that he'd hurt me, I think his hurt was different to mine but that doesn't mean it was any less...however our exes CHOSE that hurt so i'm sure the benefits of leaving us outweighted the hurt, or they wouldn't have done it, unless they are masochists.
SlowHealer Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Bluz, Bless your heart. You just wish so bad he felt some of the pain you are feeling. Meanwhile he is running around with his 18 yr old. Ya'll are just in 2 different places and are feeling 2 different ways therefore. People who just leave one for another are different than those who care deeply and take time between relationships. You and your ex are very different people. Be glad you are the one who doesn't grow shallow roots but has more depth. You are on the good side of this deal. Hold your head high. You wouldn't do someone like he did you. Like yourself more becase of this too!
Author bluz73 Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 Bluz, Bless your heart. You just wish so bad he felt some of the pain you are feeling. Meanwhile he is running around with his 18 yr old. Ya'll are just in 2 different places and are feeling 2 different ways therefore. People who just leave one for another are different than those who care deeply and take time between relationships. You and your ex are very different people. Be glad you are the one who doesn't grow shallow roots but has more depth. You are on the good side of this deal. Hold your head high. You wouldn't do someone like he did you. Like yourself more becase of this too! thank you slowhealer...I do wish he had felt my pain too...i know i hurt him before when i left him, but I had good reason too his addiction/lack of ambition..but me Im attractive,classy,smart and ready to settle down. The 18 year old isnt and I hope she leaves a gapping hole in his heart like he did mine, I just wish he cared enough to see if I was okay, but he dont or hasnt and the thought of them being happy makes me want to vomit
allanworks Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 sounds like he got scared of the relationship and ended it like an idiot give him a week and go talk to him he probably will kiss your a** to come back.he loves you to much and that scares him happend to me on my first serious girlfriend.i kissed her a** for a month before she would take me back we were together for 2 years then my parents forsed us to movenever seen her again.
SlowHealer Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Bluz, I found that when I look to the future and the life I want and deserve I feel healthy. When I look back at the mess that is the past I feel bad and stirred up and unsettled. I say this b/c the trigger for me has been to catch myself when I am looking back and to stop that thought and simply redirect it toward the future and the life I want and deserve. Just something that has helped. I hope it helps you. The addiction/lack of ambition sounds like something you could do without anyway. Here's to your bright future (-:
Stephie Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I agree with denverbachelor sometimes the people you meet have issues that never get resolved. Sure you meet and everything seems so right but life starts to happen and when things aren't happy and going the way they want, they run from more problems because that's all they know how to do. My ex did this we were together for almost 3 yrs we fell in love fast and moved in together after 2 months. We took on eachothers finacial problems and baggage his more than mine took a toll on me everyday. We never had that chance to just date. When it was coming to an end I could feel it but wouldn't believe it. I blamed him for everything when he told me to take a weekend and go back to my home town and figure out what I wanted ding ding I saw the light. I saw the unhappy person I had become the girl that had pushed and pushed him away because of our problems that I couldn't not worry about everyday. When I got home I told him all this and told him I missed him and I could be that happy girl again, he looked at me with tears and said he was done. My life what I had thought ended right there in our house. We talked everyday for a week to a point where he cryed, screamed, cryed, told me I had emotionally abanded him long ago. That the pain I was feeling was what he had been feeling for the last 6 months fighting for my love. He lost a lot of weight, stayed drunk for a week, almost bit a hole through his lip. I let him stay with me a week later and he held me all night and cryed. I asked him why he wouldn't come home and his answer was he loved me so much but he had put himself in a deep dark place because he had realized he couldn't make me happy. Sure I begged him for a week to come home, but the night he came to get his stuff we held eachother and just cryed so yes I do believe the dumper does hurt they just prepare themselves and see the reasons why it wont work, when your still stuck wondering why and thinking if only I would have done this.
TooMuchPride Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 yup..i was the dumper and im the one looking through heartbreak forums , lol i hurt more than he did , its not always the dumpee who hurts more. the person who cares least in a relationship has more power , the more power you have , the less it hurts.
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