Dealing with Girlfriends past...

[AttillatheHun]

Hey guys,

 

Am new to this forum. Found it by googling 'how to deal with girlfriend's past'. Ahh.... the magical powers of google..

 

Anyway, im sure this issue has probably popped up about 10 zillion times, but I am literally going nuts so maybe I need to clear my chest?

 

Where do I begin? I have been with this girl for around 10 months now. Met her at university. Im 22, and she's 33. I consider myself to be fairly mature and well-rounded for my age. I had just gotten out of a 1 and half year relationship with a girl two years younger than me, mainly because she was driving me mad with her inexperience and immaturity, among other things. The experience of that pretty much turned me off girls younger than me.

 

Back to the point. I met this girl shortly afterwards (through lectures). She had all the qualities I liked- maturity, honesty etc etc. She's also gorgeous for her age (which is what fooled me in the first place, thought she was in her 20's). Couldn't believe that she was still single, seemed to good to be true.

 

Well we courted and eventually hooked up and got together. We had what many people would call the 'honeymoon' period, which probably lasted about 6 months. Quite early on in the relationship, I found out that she had 11 sexual partners before me. My heart sank a little when I found that out, but I actually did a REALLY good job at not letting it bother me, because I didn't question it any further, just pushed it out of my mind and forgot about it. My sexual past = 2 sexual relationships before current girlfriend.

 

6 months later on, a few cracks started to appear. I don't know how it came about, but one night, we were talking about my overseas trip several years earlier (went backpacking in Europe for a few months). She asked me if I had any flings or romances. I had a very brief fling with a girl in Spain. Long story short, it didn't really go anywhere, apart from a very brief sexual encounter (I did some oral on her for about 10-20 seconds) which ended very quickly because I was feeling very disgusted with myself, as I do not consider myself to be someone who likes the idea of having one-night encounters with total strangers.

 

I was telling her this, simply because she asked. And her reaction surprised me- she got really disgusted with me, criticized me and made me feel guilty. But at the same time, I was stark-raving-****ing mad, because the whole time I was thinking 'erm, you've had 11 sexual partners' of one which was a one night stand' (that's all I knew about her past at the time). When I pointed this out to her, she brushed it aside as if what I did was worse. I was literally like 'WTF WOW, im not dealing with this bull****' and so I stormed out. She later apologised via text, but I was absolutely, ****ing incensed.

 

So what do I do? A very bad and nasty thing, and totally out of character for me, but I was absolutely mad at the time and couldn't care less, because I thought it was VERY hypocritical of her. So I hacked into her email, hoping to get some dirt on her past. And sheesh, I did. Most emails concerned her previous ex-boyfriend (who she was with for 2 years). Now this is a girl who makes herself out to be near overly-****ing-perfect, full of decent values and morales. What do I find? Well because she was in a long-distance relationship with her previous ex most of the time, she literally used make pornos (of herself, not with other guys, thank ****) and send them off to him. Made me sick, really, considering it was in complete contrast to the person she makes herself out to be. And she would talk of all her favourite sexual positions, which ironically, she does on me. I pretty much stopped reading after that, because I started to feel pretty ill.

 

I confronted her about this shortly afterwards, feeling guilty about having hacked into her email. She was surprisingly forgiving, and understood why I did it. She was also ashamed about what I read. So fair enough, but I was still mad from that night, and curiosity eventually got the better of me, and I asked more about her sexual past.

 

What do I find out? Here are some examples-

 

1st - made her pregnant, she terminated as soon as she found out. (only just found that one out a week or a two ago, what hypocrisy)

 

2nd- one night stand.

 

6th- an affair with a guy who had a finance at the time (of which she claims she didn't know about)

 

7th- A relationship with another 22 yr old. She had previously told me that she hadn't dated anyone around my age.

 

 

So, there some of it is. To top it off, all this knowledge about her past is pretty much tearing me apart now. I really wished I hadn't read her emails or asked those questions, but there's no changing that now. But at the same time, I don't think its fair for people to say 'you shouldn't have asked about her past' or of the like, because that's only natural- we want to know who the person we're with is and what they're like.

 

Maybe I should also point out some pros. She says she loves me, and has told me many times that she sees a future with me. We have a wonderful sexual relationship, and she says that she's never 'felt this comfortable with anyone before'. But sometimes I can't help but shake the feeling that those words have been repeated before. I do love her as well, and share the same feelings.

 

But I guess my biggest problem is, I can't get all these images and thoughts about her past out of my head. Some days its worse than others, and I think of the most detailed thoughts (i.e. she probably did this with other men as well) to the point where its just completely irrational and crazy. But I can't really help it.....

 

What are my options? Break up with her? What would be the point though? Every person has a past.....

[SimoneAri]

Okay, first of all, for a woman of 33, 11 sexual partners is not bad. Trust me, if I could, I am all for people being virgins, or having sex with someone they are truly in love with or are married to, or have a committed relationship with, however in today's society, that is not always realistic. Sex is a HUGE part of society. Many people are taught to experience and do not take sex seriously to the extent you are talking. But as I say, 11 sexual partners for a 33 year old woman is not bad. Not to mention, she was never married, never had children, so it is not like you are dealing with an ex husband or a child's dad in the picture. I think you need to lighten up a little bit. And I say that in the kindest way possible. Trust me, I have been in your position, and it has taken me a long time to deal with, but if you want to make it work with your partner, you will let the past BE the past. Your girlfriend seems like a great person. Okay, she got jealous when you were talking about an ex fling, but a lot of women would. It is something about hearing someone you love talk about another woman that will make your significant other get mad. And also, to be honest, you say you are more mature then others, yet going through her personal email was not mature at all. Since you went through her email, you need to be mature enough to deal with what you saw, and you need to maturely move on with it. Lastly, those emails were to an ex, who seems to stay an ex, you didn't mention that she was cheating or talking to him, so I am thinking that is the past. I think that if you dwell too much on all of this you are really going to miss out on a great relationship. I hope this helps, I did not mean to preach, but being someone who really understands what you are speaking about, I know how it feels. It sucks, but part of being a mature grown up is realizing people are not perfect.

[endlessblueskies]

Hi, I can relate somewhat to what you are going through. My bf is my 4th...I'm his 9th. It sucks. Sometimes I get really jealous thinking about who he has been with even thought he tells me how beautiful I am how much he loves me wants to marry me,etc. But I can relate. We were once discussing craziest places we'd had sex which by the way you should avoid discussing if you get jealous like I do..well I mentioned a couple things I'd done and he was not really pissed but I could tell it bothered him and he wanted to drop it totally. It still bothers both of us, even if we don't admit it. My advice would be this...talk about it, it sounds like you have both told each other everything you've done, which can be hard. But tell each other when you are feeling jealous or hurt or anxious,instead of just re-acting-does that make sense? Try to tell yourself the past is the past, and work on building your trust in each other. It's soo hard I know, and I feel like I'm typing this to myself. I wish you and your gf well and hope it works out for you both

[AttillatheHun]

Ah thanks for the responses.

 

Simone, you have many valid points. To put in perspective, you are probably right when you say that 11 partners is not bad for a 33yr old woman. Browsing around the forum here, and seeing the statistics of others makes the number of 11 seem somewhat less-than-average (no-offence to those who are suffering as such). And yes, she has no children or she has not been married. I agree with you in the respect that going through her emails was unbelievably immature. I guess I was shellshocked that someone could criticise harshly me for something soooo small, knowing that choices they've made haven't been any better.

 

Endlessblueskies, I have actually talked to her about it and told her how I feel, because she commented that i've been fairly distant and flat lately. After much pressuring, (she was worried and kept asking about my flat mood) I eventually admitted that I was having trouble wrapping my head around her past. As you would imagine, she was quite upset, but I did tell her that it was my problem to deal with. She says she regrets a lot of the choices she made. But I should be judging her for who she is now, not for who she was or the choices she made in the past.

 

The issue is that these thoughts (irrational and crazy) pop in my head from time to time, and some days they're worse than others. I realise this is self-sabotaging and every time I talk to her about it, it just makes her feel guilty and ashamed- when really, its my issue. I told her that I probably should go and see a counselor or of the like. I just want to get rid of these damn thoughts....

Edited April 16, 2010 by AttillatheHun

[dazzle22]

There is another thread posting right now very similar to this one that you might want to take a look at too, about a GF's past. I posted on it, you can link to it that way.

I feel your pain. My husband was quite the playboy, probably about 50 partners, at least 10 ONS he admits to, so probably double that. As I mentioned to the other poster, when your 'numbers' are very different, I think it is much harder to deal with. You get intrusive thoughts at the worst times...

 

The more you care about someone, usually the more distressing it is to think of them with someone else that way:sick:. Dealing with this is a process I can tell you. Sometimes I'm fine with it all, other times it bothers me.

 

Some people are very good at just shoving stuff like this to the deep recesses of their brains. I'm not. A lot of people give the cliched line, 'the past is the past, it's none of your business'. THAT is NOT helpful at all.

I have always wanted to know the truth, no matter how bothersome. I don't like being naive. I'd rather know and have to deal with it than have sunshine blown up my skirt and be like Pollyanna.

 

Some people are very sexually free and explore a lot. Others like me are more guarded. When the two types meet and fall in love, the more restrained partner definitely has some things to overcome. Hopefully you can feel free to post here, and no one will come down on you as you wrestle with this issue. And don't let people tell you it wouldn't bother you if you weren't 'insecure'. That is ridiculous.

[make me believe]

The more you care about someone, usually the more distressing it is to think of them with someone else that way:sick:. Dealing with this is a process I can tell you. Sometimes I'm fine with it all, other times it bothers me.

 

This is so true!! I remember hearing about some things about my boyfriend when we first got together, and I thought "ok...that's fine... I have a past too... I'm going to be mature and not let this bother me." And for awhile it worked, but as I fell more and more in love with him, these thoughts would come into my head & I'd start picturing it, and it was awful. And I've actually been with more people than my boyfriend! How's that for hypocritical.

 

Anyway, ATH, honestly there are some things about your post that really bothered me. You seem to be judging your gf's morals or character for making videos of herself & sending them to who I assume was her bf at the time. There's nothing wrong with doing that when you're in a realtionship, so although I can understand why it bothers you to see it/know about it, you really have to let the judgement go.

 

Some days its worse than others, and I think of the most detailed thoughts (i.e. she probably did this with other men as well) to the point where its just completely irrational and crazy. But I can't really help it.....

 

Oh, I have definitely been there before!! But you have to remember, she isn't obsessing about her past the way you are. When she does things with you, she isn't reminiscing about the time she did it with so-and-so. I mean, do you think about your past partners when you're with her? I bet they hardly ever even cross your mind. The same is true for your gf's past partners.

 

What I try to do is when I notice those thoughts creeping into my head, I just try my best not to give in to them. Don't let yourself sit there imagining her with another guy. When you start thinking about it, do ANYTHING to distract yourself! TELL yourself "NO I am not going to obsess about this!" and force yourself to do something else. Sometimes this works for me, sometimes it doesn't. But it definitely gets easier each time because I realize that when I'm not obsessing about the past, it TRULY doesn't matter. We are both better off because then neither of us are thinking about it!

 

Also, your gf's reaction to your experience in Spain may seem hypocritical but it is pretty normal. Like I said, I have more partners than my bf does so it also might seem hypocritical when I get bothered by his past. But in a way it's better than her being all nonchalant and not caring about it, isn't it? (Now the mature side of me knows this isn't true - it's better for everyone to let each other's pasts go - but the irrational & realistic side of me knows it IS true!)

 

Anyway, good luck dealing with your feelings. Don't break up with her over it, that would be really hurtful & wouldn't solve anything. You'd still have the same issues with your next gf, you know?

[Eeyore79]

This is why you shouldn't discuss past sexual experiences with a new partner! A new partner needs to know nothing beyond whether you're a virgin or not, and whether you have any STDs. You should certainly never reveal your "number" or talk about stuff you did; it only leads to jealousy.

 

In my experience, those who feel the need to brag about past experience actually have very little experience, and are trying to big themselves up and sound more experienced. Bragging about experience actually makes you look less experienced. More experienced people rarely feel the need to brag about or discuss their past. Also less experienced people tend to be bothered if their partner has more experience, whereas if you have more experience yourself then you tend not to judge your partner so much.

 

You crossed the line by hacking her email, she should have dumped you on the spot. But instead she has tried to be understanding, and has even apologised about her past! The fact is, what she did before she met you is none of your business, and has no bearing on your current relationship. She had every right to send videos of herself to her boyfriend - you wouldn't think badly of her if she made such videos for you, her current boyfriend, would you? You are only bothered by the fact that the recipient was an ex; it is jealousy, pure and simple.

 

The past is the past, and exes are exes for a reason - whatever she did with an ex, she probably didn't feel the same way about them as she does about you, otherwise she would still be with her ex! At the end of the day, it's only sex... she loves YOU, and there are many things for you two to do together that she has never done with an ex (e.g. marriage, children, buying a house) - things that are way more important than simply rubbing your body against someone else's for a bit.

 

I will admit that I don't date men who are divorced or have kids, because I find the jealousy too much to bear - those are things I want my partner and I to share exclusively between us. But pretty much everyone (including you!) has had sex with someone else - it isn't a big deal, and you should be grateful that your gf is yet to experience the really important things in life, and is free to share them with you for the first time.

[northstar1]

If she is 33 and has been having sex since a normal age, 11 partners is not very high at all. That is less than 1 per year if she's been having sex since 18.

 

Most of my female friends who are single in their 30's and haven' been married, have had well over that number.

 

I would be concerned if you are talking 25 or higher, then you might want to question if she is using sex for some sort of validation.

[AttillatheHun]

Thanks for the comments everyone . It has definitely helped put things into perspective.

 

Eeyore...

 

This is why you shouldn't discuss past sexual experiences with a new partner! A new partner needs to know nothing beyond whether you're a virgin or not, and whether you have any STDs. You should certainly never reveal your "number" or talk about stuff you did; it only leads to jealousy.

 

In my experience, those who feel the need to brag about past experience actually have very little experience, and are trying to big themselves up and sound more experienced. Bragging about experience actually makes you look less experienced. More experienced people rarely feel the need to brag about or discuss their past. Also less experienced people tend to be bothered if their partner has more experience, whereas if you have more experience yourself then you tend not to judge your partner so much.

 

Read my original posting. At one stage, I NEVER did brag. She ASKED. Besides, I don't think that's exactly something to brag about... . If your referring to her, she never bragged. I pretty much found out all that after much pestering and asking.

 

You crossed the line by hacking her email, she should have dumped you on the spot.

 

Yes I did. But a little harsh and judgmental on the said consequences. She actually went through my text messages way before the email thing happened. Was a little annoyed, sure, but for the most part it didn't bother me because I had nothing to hide. But im not going to dump her over it.

 

 

The past is the past, and exes are exes for a reason - whatever she did with an ex, she probably didn't feel the same way about them as she does about you, otherwise she would still be with her ex! At the end of the day, it's only sex... she loves YOU, and there are many things for you two to do together that she has never done with an ex (e.g. marriage, children, buying a house) - things that are way more important than simply rubbing your body against someone else's for a bit.

 

Excellent point there though, kind of hit the nail on the head there .

 

Oh, I have definitely been there before!! But you have to remember, she isn't obsessing about her past the way you are. When she does things with you, she isn't reminiscing about the time she did it with so-and-so. I mean, do you think about your past partners when you're with her? I bet they hardly ever even cross your mind. The same is true for your gf's past partners.

 

What I try to do is when I notice those thoughts creeping into my head, I just try my best not to give in to them. Don't let yourself sit there imagining her with another guy. When you start thinking about it, do ANYTHING to distract yourself! TELL yourself "NO I am not going to obsess about this!" and force yourself to do something else. Sometimes this works for me, sometimes it doesn't. But it definitely gets easier each time because I realize that when I'm not obsessing about the past, it TRULY doesn't matter. We are both better off because then neither of us are thinking about it!

 

Also, your gf's reaction to your experience in Spain may seem hypocritical but it is pretty normal. Like I said, I have more partners than my bf does so it also might seem hypocritical when I get bothered by his past. But in a way it's better than her being all nonchalant and not caring about it, isn't it? (Now the mature side of me knows this isn't true - it's better for everyone to let each other's pasts go - but the irrational & realistic side of me knows it IS true!)

 

I've never looked at it that way, but very true. At least it shows some normality in the extent of her feelings towards me. Thanks!

 

If she is 33 and has been having sex since a normal age, 11 partners is not very high at all. That is less than 1 per year if she's been having sex since 18.

 

Im only just beginning to realise how little 11 is compared to other women in their 30's.....

 

Some people are very good at just shoving stuff like this to the deep recesses of their brains. I'm not. A lot of people give the cliched line, 'the past is the past, it's none of your business'. THAT is NOT helpful at all.

I have always wanted to know the truth, no matter how bothersome. I don't like being naive. I'd rather know and have to deal with it than have sunshine blown up my skirt and be like Pollyanna.

 

:lmao:. Pretty much a metaphorical 'screw you' to those who really don't have any understanding, and just give the 'past is in the past, deal with it'.

 

Always listen or look to people who've had experience in the matter at hand.

[JohnDoe6]

If you read my post you may not feel so bad. My GF is well in excess of this number (she is 43 years old). I have also struggled with this but if she has changed and is totally committed to you then you should give it your all. Your next GF might have 50 or so, then what will you do. Just because someone has low numbers it doesn't mean all will go well. It depends how someone has been brought up and what their attitude to sex is. One view or the other isn't right or wrong but it is about how you feel about it and what you can cope with.

 

I now how you feel mate but sometimes you just have to put things into perspective or you will be searching for perfection forever. One with lower numbers may not make you feel any better if the person isn't right for you.

 

Hope this helps because life is too short to sacrafice happiness for things you can't change. I personally think it is ok to knowabout the past because it is all about getting to know everything about your partner not just the good stuff. Good luck.

[phineas]

When I was 21 I dated a 28yr old.

She lived on the army base in germany & admitted to me that almost every weekend she would go out & party & screw a different guy.

 

OK. ummm and were not screwing now because....?

 

Then she told me she had at least 5 abortions because she never used protection.

 

ummm yeah, I'll call you back. no,no, don't call me, i'm going to be busy.

yeah that's it. VERY, VERY busy.

 

I really don't understand the facination with knowing how many people someone has been with.

[aerogurl87]

Why did you ask how many guys she'd been with? If you were a virgin I might can understand, but you're not so why did it matter? People have sex for a variety of reasons. For some it's love, for some it's an addiction, and others it's a hobby. Either way as long as you're the only person she's sleeping with now, that's all that should matter. The past is the past for a reason.

[dazzle22]

Yea, well sometimes the past is the past because someone is HIDING something or covering up something that might be a dealbreaker for you if you knew it...an STD, serial cheating, domestic abuse, many ONS, etc..

 

Here's an analogy...I wouldn't even buy a used car without knowing its history, or even a house. You have to disclose if a murder has occurred in your house to a prospective buyer, or if it is in a flood zone - you would be foolish just buy these things saying 'the past is the past, I don't care what happened here, or if this car was totalled and now pasted together with bondo!"

 

So why would I commit in a relationship without knowing some of the skeletons in the closet of someone I might end up with long term? Makes no sense not to want to know....but that's just me. I want to make an informed decision. Not be naive. I may decide to overlook things, or dismiss them, but I want to be the one to make the decision. Not have it made for me by lack of disclosure of the truth..

 

I don't trust many people at this point in my life, especially strangers. You have to prove yourself over time and I need to know how you've behaved and treated other people in the past, since it really is the best indicator, albeit not the only one, of future behavior, and then I'll decide if you can be 'in the circle of trust'. It is totally foolish to do otherwise..

[Melocoton]

Stay away from older women, unless you want to be used for sex or as a temporary emotional toy. Not trying to be ultra judgmental but most all women go through this stage once in their late 20's/early 30's.

 

Secondly, learn from this mistake. The mistake of not preparing yourself for the worst when asking about the past. If you wanted to hear x number times it by 10 and shoot for that or less. Also, most of us all lie when confronted about this question from our partner. We lie to protect our lover from being hurt.

 

Last of all, you are a young 22 yr old male. You should be chasing around many younger and older women and whoring it up rather than trying to shack up with some 30 something lady. At least date a ton more and learn about what you want and don't want in a relationship so when you are 25ish or older you havn't wasted months/years of your time in a deadend relationship.

[aerogurl87]

Yea, well sometimes the past is the past because someone is HIDING something or covering up something that might be a dealbreaker for you if you knew it...an STD, serial cheating, domestic abuse, many ONS, etc..

 

Here's an analogy...I wouldn't even buy a used car without knowing its history, or even a house. You have to disclose if a murder has occurred in your house to a prospective buyer, or if it is in a flood zone - you would be foolish just buy these things saying 'the past is the past, I don't care what happened here, or if this car was totalled and now pasted together with bondo!"

 

So why would I commit in a relationship without knowing some of the skeletons in the closet of someone I might end up with long term? Makes no sense not to want to know....but that's just me. I want to make an informed decision. Not be naive. I may decide to overlook things, or dismiss them, but I want to be the one to make the decision. Not have it made for me by lack of disclosure of the truth..

 

I don't trust many people at this point in my life, especially strangers. You have to prove yourself over time and I need to know how you've behaved and treated other people in the past, since it really is the best indicator, albeit not the only one, of future behavior, and then I'll decide if you can be 'in the circle of trust'. It is totally foolish to do otherwise..

 

STDs, children, and emotional baggage are the only things you need to know about someone's sexual history. And just because someone slept with alot of people in their past doesn't mean they will continue to do so in the future. People go through phases, and I'm sorry if you have trust issues, but that can be a safeguard as well as your downfall. I've been hurt alot but I still manage to try and give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to relationships, but that's just me. If you think everyone is out to get you all the time, you'll never be happy. Paranoia is a parasite that just kills joy before it can ever really blossom into something beautiful like a healthy relationship.

 

Now I'm all for open communication, but my main point was, if you can't handle the answers whether they be good or bad, don't ask the question.

[northstar1]

STDs, children, and emotional baggage are the only things you need to know about someone's sexual history. And just because someone slept with alot of people in their past doesn't mean they will continue to do so in the future. People go through phases, and I'm sorry if you have trust issues, but that can be a safeguard as well as your downfall. I've been hurt alot but I still manage to try and give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to relationships, but that's just me. If you think everyone is out to get you all the time, you'll never be happy. Paranoia is a parasite that just kills joy before it can ever really blossom into something beautiful like a healthy relationship.

 

Now I'm all for open communication, but my main point was, if you can't handle the answers whether they be good or bad, don't ask the question.

 

I agree.

 

If someone has had a fair number of partners because were enjoying being single and were not cheating, that's okay in my mind, unless we are talking about 50 plus, then I have to wonder about what sex means to them.

 

I think as you said, the issue comes in when a person's promiscuity is based upon emotional damage from childhood trauma or assault/rape etc. That's when there are usually other issues at play, that may or may not factor into the relationship.

[dazzle22]

Well, just to clarify:

Paranoia is unwarranted suspicion of other people. That is not what I was suggesting. I am suggesting not giving people more access to your heart and life than they have proved they deserve by their words, behavior and time.

 

And how do you know if someone is hiding something you can't handle unless you ask questions at the beginning of a relationship? If you find out something you can't handle, well, that's a good thing right? You don't want to be 10 years into a relationship or get married and find out something really upsetting about someone that would have been a total dealbreaker for you had you known beforehand ...No?.. Just MHO....