Is this in any way NORMAL?

[wheelwright]

To continue to love after 10 months NC?

 

When you were thrown under a (expletive) bus?

 

I have walked away from people in the past. Why was I got so badly here?

 

I suspect the consensus will be that I need counselling, that it is not about love but something wrong with me. I can assure you I consider these points with longing.

 

I am not traumatic, lost or anything like that. I just wonder about the continued depth of my feelings.

 

Does anyone think this is the nature of love? Or the nature of loser?

Edited April 16, 2010 by wheelwright
sp

[crazycatlady]

To continue to love after 10 months NC?

 

When you were thrown under a (expletive) bus?

 

I have walked away from people in the past. Why was I got so badly here?

 

I suspect the consensus will be that I need counselling, that it is not about love but something wrong with me. I can assure you I consider these points with longing.

 

I am not traumatic, lost or anything like that. I just wonder about the continued depth of my feelings.

 

Does anyone think this is the nature of love? Or the nature of loser?

 

Could it be its because you are trying so hard to stop loving? That you never gave yourself enough time to grieve for you loss? I think emotions we try to ignore or push away cling that much stronger to us. And we need to embrace them first before we can let them go.

 

I'm sorry its going so hard on you. But people grieve for lost love for a long time sometimes.

 

CCL

[Fallen Angel]

The nature of love. Of true intimacy and suffering the loss of it.

 

(((HUGS WW)))

Edited April 16, 2010 by Fallen Angel
forgot to hug ya!!!

[White Flower]

To continue to love after 10 months NC?

 

When you were thrown under a (expletive) bus?

 

I have walked away from people in the past. Why was I got so badly here?

 

I suspect the consensus will be that I need counselling, that it is not about love but something wrong with me. I can assure you I consider these points with longing.

 

I am not traumatic, lost or anything like that. I just wonder about the continued depth of my feelings.

 

Does anyone think this is the nature of love? Or the nature of loser?

I'm sure you'll get all kinds of perspectives depending on personality and focus. Only you can answer your question at the end of this thread.

 

For me, the answer would be that it is the nature of love. You have lost it, and just like any loss (loss of limb, loss of an eye, etc.) it takes enormous time to heal. I was TUB (thrown under bus:laugh:) last December and I felt all that you stated above and would still be feeling that way, I know, if NC was still in force. I just love hard and love deep. It sounds like you do too.

 

Don't be down on yourself for having lost him. This does not make you a loser. It makes you a lover who loves deeply and surely someone he didn't deserve. You will get over this and maybe even some day look back on him with a smile on your face. For now, feel the feelings. The harder you feel them now, the sooner the healing.

 

There is a great book by Dr. John Gray called, You Can Heal What You Feel. He explains that the harder you cry, the sooner you get over the pain. One day you wake up, think about your lover, and find yourself doing so without crying. When you can do that, you know you've healed.

 

This does not mean you have to let go of the memories of him/you as a couple; you'll just have the ability to enjoy those memories without the pain. So go ahead, feel all of it!

[twinsmom]

All I can say is YES. I really wish that LS had not decided to delete ALL of my previous posts because I carelessly, and somewhat drunkenly, told someone to "have sex with themselves in a lewd manner". I understand the rules, but in one fell swoop, after a drunken minute, all of my posts were deleted. And I happen to think that a few of them were helpful.

[twinsmom]

So, all I can say is YES, it is possible, and normal, to feel love after so long. My "true love" was gone from my life in January 2008, and I still love him, as crazy as it seems. That has been over 2 years, and I kick myself for still feeling this way.

[White Flower]

So, all I can say is YES, it is possible, and normal, to feel love after so long. My "true love" was gone from my life in January 2008, and I still love him, as crazy as it seems. That has been over 2 years, and I kick myself for still feeling this way.

Aw, man, that sucks! I'm not sure what is worse...drunken posts or those posted while under the influence of antibiotics. I was NASTY on antibiotics!

 

Hugs twinsmom. Don't drink and post!

[Tommy's Girl]

All I can say is YES. I really wish that LS had not decided to delete ALL of my previous posts because I carelessly, and somewhat drunkenly, told someone to "have sex with themselves in a lewd manner". I understand the rules, but in one fell swoop, after a drunken minute, all of my posts were deleted. And I happen to think that a few of them were helpful.

 

 

This made me LOL! What in the world?! I better remember not to post when I've had one too many.

[pureinheart]

WW...your wonderfully human...still though your not a "wreck", I wish you had nothing to deal with at all...(((((((hugs)))))))

[Lovelybird]

could it possible you have a distant and hard-to-please father?

[LostMe]

I think it is the nature of A love particularly because it's all so intense, passionate, painful and tormented. Fantasy/movie stuff. It's hard to forget those feelings, and then the person you associate them with. No matter how much of a nobhead they turned out to be!

[torranceshipman]

I have a really logical answer to this, which might appeal to you, given the logical nature of your post (at least it comes across that way).

 

I think it is 100% because you still seek all your validation from xMM's approval - that is why you miss him - and you mistake that big need for validation for thinking that you miss his love. Often people wrap up their self worth in the validation of others - if the R is a bad one, it can also drive down self-esteem and further enhance the need for validation from their partner - and being with an MM would make anyone more insecure and probably want that validation more. So couple those 2 things and you probably had 100% of your validation needs wrapped up in him. The good thing is that you can get that validation from other things...give yourself time to do things you enjoy and invest in yourself - a new course, new gym membership, volunteering, new work stuff, travelling, etc....

 

Hope that helps..!

[LostMe]

I have a really logical answer to this, which might appeal to you, given the logical nature of your post (at least it comes across that way).

 

I think it is 100% because you still seek all your validation from xMM's approval - that is why you miss him - and you mistake that big need for validation for thinking that you miss his love. Often people wrap up their self worth in the validation of others - if the R is a bad one, it can also drive down self-esteem and further enhance the need for validation from their partner - and being with an MM would make anyone more insecure and probably want that validation more. So couple those 2 things and you probably had 100% of your validation needs wrapped up in him. The good thing is that you can get that validation from other things...give yourself time to do things you enjoy and invest in yourself - a new course, new gym membership, volunteering, new work stuff, travelling, etc....

 

Hope that helps..!

 

Oh lordy...this is me. I even miss him more on the days i look nice. Good grief.

[Just a stone's throw]

*hammer hitting nail on head*:eek:

 

I need more specifics for getting over the need for validation. I don't need a gym membership, I don't need to take a class, I'm not sure what I need to do to replace the validation I looked for in exMM.

[Eeyore79]

The first time I fell in love, I was totally in love with the guy for over a decade, despite him getting back together and dumping me half a dozen times. There were periods of a year or two during which we didn't speak, and I loved him the whole time. I haven't seen him for two years, and my feelings still linger somewhat.

 

The second time I was in love, it took me a couple of years to get over it... I still have occasional pangs when something reminds me of him, though I am no longer in love with him.

 

Not having contact with someone doesn't stop you loving and missing them, just as you wouldn't stop loving someone who has died. Being treated like crap doesn't stop you loving someone either. The important factor is the depth of your love for the person, and how much you needed/wanted them in your life, and needed/wanted their validation and approval.

 

You need to find your self validation elsewhere, not in another relationship, but in something more stable which cannot be taken away from you so easily. What was it about your ex that made you feel validated? Being paid attention, feeling attractive, socialising with his friends, his money, his house... what exactly made you feel good about yourself when he approved of you? That is what you need to replace.

 

My two exes were very smart, rich and popular, and I am none of those things. I am studying and trying to make something of my life, trying to make new friends... I am obtaining for myself the things that I previously had by association with my exes. I also liked the attention they gave me, but I can get that from much more decent and trustworthy guys than them.

[Lovelybird]

Except of those who did a hard job and transcend their limits, most of people's "love" are motived by a deep need, a need wants to resolve an old issue, or complement those qualities he/she doesn't have, in a word, most of people's love is out of selfishness. Human want to pursue perfection. I think this make much sense.

 

If a person who has a distant and unavailable father, she probably will be attracted to a man like this, because she wants to resolve the old issue, to prove she is worthy. but on the contrary, this kind of man she is attracted only enhance her belief that she isn't worthy of attention. So when she is thinking she is deeply in love, probably she is in deep NEED , and her needs haven't been met, she would feel terrible, like her part of body have been cut off.

 

I think the validation comment is true too. Probably most of OW have this mentality. The more hard to get the validation, the more valuable it is to her, the more she will think the source of validation is perfect, unlike her available daily boring husband who give her validation so easily. But there are also many women who can cherish her daily available husband.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i hung on for MONTHS, being in love not being able to get over him etc. in hindsight i can definitely say that being thrown under the bus played a big part. also having a dday and having our relationship abruptly stop. things were great with us, so to have it cut off was a big shock.

 

every day was painful. it didnt get any better. i was certain i would be stuck forever. until one day i got that email from him explaining what happened after dday, where is mind was and that all important apology. i can now say that things are better for me.

 

i still love him but its not the same. hes now very close to being single but i still havent responded to his emails.

 

i dont think i'll ever stop loving him and what we had. but what is left now is not what we had an we can never get that back.

 

i think youre normal. had i not gotten his email i would still be in the same place...grieving and in pain.

[wheelwright]

Except of those who did a hard job and transcend their limits, most of people's "love" are motived by a deep need, a need wants to resolve an old issue, or complement those qualities he/she doesn't have, in a word, most of people's love is out of selfishness. Human want to pursue perfection. I think this make much sense.

 

If a person who has a distant and unavailable father, she probably will be attracted to a man like this, because she wants to resolve the old issue, to prove she is worthy. but on the contrary, this kind of man she is attracted only enhance her belief that she isn't worthy of attention. So when she is thinking she is deeply in love, probably she is in deep NEED , and her needs haven't been met, she would feel terrible, like her part of body have been cut off.

 

I think the validation comment is true too. Probably most of OW have this mentality. The more hard to get the validation, the more valuable it is to her, the more she will think the source of validation is perfect, unlike her available daily boring husband who give her validation so easily. But there are also many women who can cherish her daily available husband.

 

I really wish I knew how to multiple quote, because pretty much all the answers here struck me in some way.

 

I liked the posts that said when you love hard and deep, it takes time, and grief. I know this to be true for me.

 

I agree with MBEG that closure may have helped, though I really am not sure how much or in what way.

 

As FA said, the loss of a true intimacy is hard (so hard) to get over.

 

And now the harder bits. Yes I had a very distant and hard to please father. And I do think there was something in my xMOM which deeply reminded me of my lost dad. We can say that they were both the same star sign and chinese astrology just as a taster.

 

I had a funny feeling with him, like I had always known him. I felt this as a soul connection, but perhaps it's more prosaic, as LB suggests.

 

The comments about validation interest me, but don't resonate. He didn't validate me - although his compliments meant something to me when no-one else's ever have.

 

When I connected with xMOM, I was already in a life place where I understood that most of what others do that hurts us is about them and not me, and I have many wonderful friends and family. He meant so much to me because it felt so right us together and I had never experienced that before. It didn't validate me - it validated love and us.

 

Did I have an unmet need? Well, yes. But it was a need I didn't know could be met before him. A need to connect with someone in that way. Perhaps my needs were met just by being with him, and I should look at the future and the loss of that connection with this in mind.

 

So many answers here mention drunken posts. I have to admit my OP was written like this. And that sometimes I wonder whether I will find what I wrote when drinking will upset me afterwards. But I don't tend to find this. People are kind and helpful. I write what I feel, sober or after a few.

 

Was this a noticeably drunken OP? From what TS said, at least I sound logical when under the influence!

[wheelwright]

Could it be its because you are trying so hard to stop loving? That you never gave yourself enough time to grieve for you loss? I think emotions we try to ignore or push away cling that much stronger to us. And we need to embrace them first before we can let them go.

 

I'm sorry its going so hard on you. But people grieve for lost love for a long time sometimes.

 

CCL

 

Yes, yes, yes.

 

I grieved hard, but was trying to give my M a chance and was conflicted trying to work out what the love meant (could it have been fog etc?).

 

Now that it seems the M is over, perhaps honesty will help me move on.

 

Thanks for kind words CCL.

[2sunny]

i think it lasts longer when you aren't able to face the reality of your MM.

 

you were in love with the man you thought he was capable of being...

 

not the man he actually is.

 

there's a big difference. the reality of what he actually is will wake you up and have you realizing that it's a huge plus NOT to be with him.

 

the delusion of who you thought he was... that is keeping you from healing.

[wheelwright]

i think it lasts longer when you aren't able to face the reality of your MM.

 

you were in love with the man you thought he was capable of being...

 

not the man he actually is.

 

there's a big difference. the reality of what he actually is will wake you up and have you realizing that it's a huge plus NOT to be with him.

 

the delusion of who you thought he was... that is keeping you from healing.

 

The man he was capable of being is who I loved. Yes, it was not who he was.

 

But I felt that potential in my heart and soul.

 

You are right here.

 

It will never be a plus that he did not choose it. For either of us.

 

It is only a plus for me that I no longer have him in my life because he hurt me so.

 

When we truly love, it means nothing to see the lovers faults. They only add to the love. It wouldn't matter to me what he did. I loved him like I love my own kids.

 

I'm sure there is a line somewhere.

 

I wonder about delusion. Why wait till forty to become delusional? Isn't love a more likely explanation? Not sure here.

[2sunny]

The man he was capable of being is who I loved. Yes, it was not who he was.

 

But I felt that potential in my heart and soul.

 

You are right here.

 

It will never be a plus that he did not choose it. For either of us.

 

It is only a plus for me that I no longer have him in my life because he hurt me so.

 

When we truly love, it means nothing to see the lovers faults. They only add to the love. It wouldn't matter to me what he did. I loved him like I love my own kids.

 

I'm sure there is a line somewhere.

 

I wonder about delusion. Why wait till forty to become delusional? Isn't love a more likely explanation? Not sure here.

 

so write a list of all the things you THOUGHT he could be/would be.

 

then write a list of all the things he actually is/was.

 

this will give you a sense of how delusional you have been with your view of him - and what the reality actually is.

 

when you feel weak or down take the reality list out and remind yourself that you deserve more than what he actually offered you.

 

you deserve the kind of man you thought he could be. as long as you allow him to take up your mental and emotional space - you will never start looking for the healthy version of the man you seek.

 

start making room for the healthy version...

[crazycatlady]

Yes, yes, yes.

 

I grieved hard, but was trying to give my M a chance and was conflicted trying to work out what the love meant (could it have been fog etc?).

 

Now that it seems the M is over, perhaps honesty will help me move on.

 

Thanks for kind words CCL.

 

WW - I think the light of day can help really see things. Don't beat yourself up anymore. Let youself work through each emotion as they come and don't deny them. I don't think you can truly grieve in that situation because its like you have to push the OM away to be able to try and recover your M. There is so much conflict in that situation emotionally.

 

I'm sorry about your M, I hope you can heal, grieve and grow from this. Many many many (HUGS) WW.

 

CCL

[Lovelybird]

And now the harder bits. Yes I had a very distant and hard to please father. And I do think there was something in my xMOM which deeply reminded me of my lost dad. We can say that they were both the same star sign and chinese astrology just as a taster.

 

I had a funny feeling with him, like I had always known him. I felt this as a soul connection, but perhaps it's more prosaic, as LB suggests.

If so, then it can explain some of facts here. Maybe the man is like your father in many ways, and you are trying to change an unavailable man--your father--into an available man, and you feel like this man is the chance that you can change your fate, and you think this man literally can control your fate and value. you love him like you love your father.

 

I've heard that the healings begins when you face and deal with the old wounds, such as reach to a place that you can forgive your father's fault and imperfect and the hurts he caused you. I didn't buy this stuff before, but I found it is so true. As long as you have old wounds, those wounds are going to affect you. So you act out of reaction instead of proaction, out of dark places instead of bright places. And if you believe God, ask God heals you, and HE will.

 

And I agree that when you spent time with a man, and shared intimacy, it will be very painful when that intimacy lost. But think it this way, if without this man, you may not even aware you have this wound affecting your decisions about man, so this can be a chance for you to grow, and if you do the hard work, you will choose better and have better fulfilled love life.

 

The man he was capable of being is who I loved. Yes, it was not who he was.

 

But I felt that potential in my heart and soul.

This kind of thinking is very harmful to many women who take abuse and other craps from their man. Again this is the desire to change the old wounds

 

I wonder about delusion. Why wait till forty to become delusional? Isn't love a more likely explanation? Not sure here

Actually age has nothing to do with delusion. A person can have delusion in her 60' or 70' as long as the right element or man comes along.

 

If you don't give up the pattern to seek unavailable man, you are going to suffer in your love life. What can you change? only change yourself, then the world and man you choose will change

[meemee]

I think this is called human nature. Needing an organic resolution that may never come in the traditional way. There is nothing wrong with you, but time & introspection will have to do the work that would have been finished quicker under different circumstance. This is the burden of being a third party & that's why sharing it in a space lke this helps lighten the load.