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Did I make things weird?


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Posted (edited)

I went on a second date with someone last night. Everything went really well, but then towards the end we started talking about friends and past relationships and he mentioned his ex. They broke up last summer, and the reason was that they had stopped having sex. She just didn't have a strong sex drive and ultimately things had to end. They're still friends but I guess recently she has been struggling with the breakup. He has moved on and feels that they're not compatible in a relationship. The whole conversation sort of emphasized the fact that sex is important to him in a relationship and he doesn't want to be with someone who he's not sexually compatible with. I agree completely and I have a pretty strong sex drive so I don't think we'd have issues there.

 

But fast forward to the end of the night. I don't have sex on second dates, and often I don't even kiss. The reason for this is because I was raped in the past, and it takes me longer than some people to feel comfortable getting physical with someone (btw, I have been in therapy for it in the past and I'm at a pretty good place with the whole thing at this point - just careful around new people which is something that will never change). I made a lame excuse for not kissing him or inviting him up, and he called me out on it. I wasn't prepared to blurt out that the reason for my cautiousness was because I've been attacked, but that's what ended up happening. It's the kind of thing I'd rather tell someone when I get to know them a bit better and I know it kind of threw him off guard. He seemed understanding but also surprised. It's hard to sort of gauge how someone really feels when you say something like that, you know? Some people immediately understand and they're cool with it, others get freaked out even if they say they're OK. I'm also not sure if he realizes that I don't have a problem with sex, it's just not something that I can just jump into with someone new. I did tell him that I like him, and I said that we should hang out Friday (not realizing that Friday is tomorrow and I don't actually want to hang out that soon, and I also have plans for Friday...).

 

I texted him later and sort of apologized for just springing the attack information on him, and he said it was no problem and, "Let's try to make Friday happen." I texted him today saying I didn't realize that Friday is suddenly tomorrow, and it's OK if we choose another day. He texted me back saying, "Yeah, prob another day." That response made me think that I freaked him out, so I said it was cool if I'm a bit too much for him (I know he likes me but also isn't necessarily looking for anything serious, and neither am I per se), but that I'm always happy to hang out. Am I a total idiot? I don't know what to think of the whole thing.

Edited by furbaby
  • Author
Posted

Oh and I sent the last text to him about 2 hours ago. He doesn't always respond to my texts right away but I figured he would with something like that, unless I freaked him out or he's not sure what to say.

Posted

Aw honey. You sound like one of my girlfriends. Let me just say that what happened to you could happen to anyone. The topic of sex comes up and you get nervous, it's personal, plus you have your own troubling experience... you're bound to stumble a LITTLE.

 

This is a waiting game. Don't feel bad about talking about it. If he thought it was appropriate talking about dumping a girlfriend for not enough sex, you can talk about your experiences.

 

Listen. In the grand scheme of things, this should NEVER be a dealbreaker. Do NOT feel about not bringing him up, shoot- I don't bring a guy up and that's just preference.

 

It's just a misstep. No big deal.

Posted

Well first of all I'm sorry that happened to you. Secondly, yes that was definitely TMI. In the future you need to practice the line "I like to take things slow". And leave it at that. There are many women, including myeself, who don't have sex on the second date. Personally, I don't have sex for the first 2 months and I've never been attacked. I just like to get to know the man before I have sex with him- period. Why did you feel the need to give him an excuse for why you didn't want to kiss or have sex, it's your body and your right to say no, you don't have to provide any explanation.

 

Regarding this particular guy, yes I'm sure you freaked him out and this may be a total loss. Now that the info is out there isn't anything you can really do. I would just fall back and see if he reaches out to you again, let him come to you. If you continue to text him, call him if he wasn't already freaked out he definitely will be! But yes in the future, a simple "I like to take things slow and get to know you first" will do.

Posted

If he really likes you, you wont freak him out and he will be understanding. I assume you told him that you lied because you didnt want blurt out your incident. He should be understanding that you didnt want to bring that up. Dont worry about whether or not you freaked him out, thats your ego getting in the way worrying about what he thinks of you. If he cant handle it, its his loss.

  • Author
Posted
Why did you feel the need to give him an excuse for why you didn't want to kiss or have sex, it's your body and your right to say no, you don't have to provide any explanation.

 

We had had sort of an in-depth discussion about sex earlier in the night (nothing dirty, just being open about how we feel about it in a relationship and in general). So at the end of the night when I couldn't kiss him, I did want to be honest about this one thing that does hold me back. He seems like a decent guy and I didn't want him to think I was just messing with him or leading him on. The frustrating thing is, I would have liked to have kissed him or hey, even had sex. But that kind of physical intimacy is a hurdle for me now. He's not the first person I've dated since being attacked, and the people I've been with over the past few years have all responded to this revelation differently. He seems like a mature, straight-forward person so I guess I just ultimately wanted to say how I really felt. But if for whatever reason he is not cool with this sort of thing, it's OK. I want to be with someone who is supportive anyway.

Posted

Here's what I would think... Didn't kiss me on the first date. Might not be into me. Didn't kiss me on the second date. Not into me. Or even if she is, she's too sexually timid now due to the circumstances.

 

If I were this guy, I don't care if you've told me you can have a real relationship involving sex. Your actions speak otherwise.

 

A kiss goodnight is NOT a big deal.

Posted
he said it was no problem and, "Let's try to make Friday happen." I texted him today saying I didn't realize that Friday is suddenly tomorrow, and it's OK if we choose another day. He texted me back saying, "Yeah, prob another day."

Based on him saying, "Let's try to make Friday happen" -- NO, I don't think you freaked him out with the timing of your disclosure. Up to that text of his, it sounds like he took everything in stride.

 

But. Then you went and reneged on the plans that YOU made/suggested to get together with him on Friday, to which he'd already expressed an interest. I get that 'Friday' sort of "jumped on" you -- but, to me (in his shoes), that'd just come across as one helluva lame excuse. Like, who really doesn't know that Friday is the day after the day after Wednesday...know what I mean?

 

I know that, on your part, it was innocent and unintended. But if we look at it from his PoV, it's more likely your "change of heart" about Friday (as he would be seeing-feeling it) that has more potential to have caused him to sound a little 'stand back-ish'.

 

In your place, I'd call and apologize again for getting mixed up about what day it was, ask if he's interested in getting together on Saturday (or Sunday, or whatever day) instead -- and then use his response to gauge where everything is.

 

Good luck! I hope it's just a mis-communication and things work out okay.

  • Author
Posted

Blah, thanks guys. I probably shouldn't have sent those last few texts, but I've never been in this situation. I'm a pretty confident person and I'm usually laid back about dating and stuff. But then again I tend to be a private person so the whole thing is making me feel a bit vulnerable.

 

I don't want to bug him anymore. I'll just wait and see what happens.

Posted
We had had sort of an in-depth discussion about sex earlier in the night (nothing dirty, just being open about how we feel about it in a relationship and in general). So at the end of the night when I couldn't kiss him, I did want to be honest about this one thing that does hold me back. He seems like a decent guy and I didn't want him to think I was just messing with him or leading him on. The frustrating thing is, I would have liked to have kissed him or hey, even had sex. But that kind of physical intimacy is a hurdle for me now. He's not the first person I've dated since being attacked, and the people I've been with over the past few years have all responded to this revelation differently. He seems like a mature, straight-forward person so I guess I just ultimately wanted to say how I really felt. But if for whatever reason he is not cool with this sort of thing, it's OK. I want to be with someone who is supportive anyway.

 

I think he was wrong for divulging that he broke up with his ex because she stopped having sex with him. Sex is not an appropriate topic early on, especially when you know you aren't ready to go there. It's best to stick to neutral non sexual topics early on. So I think he was a little out of line for that. And you in turn divulged your past sexual experiences. So really the both of you divulged too much information too early on in the relationship. That can be a realationship killer because you risk freaking someone out with TMI.

Posted
I think he was wrong for divulging that he broke up with his ex because she stopped having sex with him. Sex is not an appropriate topic early on, especially when you know you aren't ready to go there. It's best to stick to neutral non sexual topics early on. So I think he was a little out of line for that. And you in turn divulged your past sexual experiences. So really the both of you divulged too much information too early on in the relationship. That can be a realationship killer because you risk freaking someone out with TMI.

 

 

I really agree. I do kind of find it odd he brought up sex anyway.

  • Author
Posted
I think he was wrong for divulging that he broke up with his ex because she stopped having sex with him. Sex is not an appropriate topic early on, especially when you know you aren't ready to go there. It's best to stick to neutral non sexual topics early on. So I think he was a little out of line for that. And you in turn divulged your past sexual experiences. So really the both of you divulged too much information too early on in the relationship. That can be a realationship killer because you risk freaking someone out with TMI.

 

The only past sexual experience that I divulged was the attack, and I did not go into any detail. The reason why he and his ex broke up was because they were sexually incompatible. I think he was just being honest when he told me that. And although I have some issues with sex, I am an adult and a sexual being, and I do feel OK discussing sex with another adult. If I am going to view someone as a future sexual partner, I do want to have an open dialogue with him about sex, because my sexual identity is an important part of who I am as an individual, and it plays a big part in any romantic relationship in which I might become involved.

 

However, that said, I do wish things had gone down a bit differently at the end of the night.

Posted
We had had sort of an in-depth discussion about sex earlier in the night (nothing dirty, just being open about how we feel about it in a relationship and in general). So at the end of the night when I couldn't kiss him, I did want to be honest about this one thing that does hold me back. He seems like a decent guy and I didn't want him to think I was just messing with him or leading him on. The frustrating thing is, I would have liked to have kissed him or hey, even had sex. But that kind of physical intimacy is a hurdle for me now. He's not the first person I've dated since being attacked, and the people I've been with over the past few years have all responded to this revelation differently. He seems like a mature, straight-forward person so I guess I just ultimately wanted to say how I really felt. But if for whatever reason he is not cool with this sort of thing, it's OK. I want to be with someone who is supportive anyway.

 

personally i think it's rude for him to talk to you about his sexual life with his ex. that's private and between them. this also means that whatever happens between you two will be common knowledge for any gal he dates after you - are you willing to put your private life at the mercy of him? he is willing to tell all - he's proven that.

 

i think him sharing that info with you is inappropriate and just his way of telling you that if he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it - no matter how great you may be - he'll be willing to get rid of you in a flash.

 

RUN!

Posted

Yeah, based on him telling you about what ended his past relationship that should be a "red flag" as to what he's looking for in this relationship. It wouldn't be that big of a loss if things didn't end up working out as you know what he basis relationships on.

  • Author
Posted
Yeah, based on him telling you about what ended his past relationship that should be a "red flag" as to what he's looking for in this relationship. It wouldn't be that big of a loss if things didn't end up working out as you know what he basis relationships on.

 

I don't know. He was with his ex for 3 years and he said that the spark eventually died between them. I know that has happened to me before in relationships, and I know that at this point in my life, I can't be in a long term relationship without sex. I didn't think it was that much of a red flag. But yeah, if it doesn't work out, it's OK. Just an uncomfortable situation for me at the moment.

Posted
The only past sexual experience that I divulged was the attack, and I did not go into any detail. The reason why he and his ex broke up was because they were sexually incompatible. I think he was just being honest when he told me that. And although I have some issues with sex, I am an adult and a sexual being, and I do feel OK discussing sex with another adult. If I am going to view someone as a future sexual partner, I do want to have an open dialogue with him about sex, because my sexual identity is an important part of who I am as an individual, and it plays a big part in any romantic relationship in which I might become involved.

 

However, that said, I do wish things had gone down a bit differently at the end of the night.

 

OK, but... once you start discussing sex that opens the door. I'm not saying not to have an open dialogue about sex but this should happen when you're actually ready to have sex. And I think he was thinking the two of you were going to be intimate in some form or fashion at the end of the night because you were so cool with discussing sex earlier in the evening. You yourself said he called you on your original excuse, if he wasn't expecting anything why wouldn't he have just accepted your excuse and moved on? So again, if you weren't ready to actually go there with him it probably wasn't a good idea to start talking about sex at all. If you knew you had a barrier due to past trauma, for you to openly discuss sex and then not even give him a kiss at the end of the night, you gave mixed signals.

 

But then again if you feel that it was totally OK to discuss sex then you both divulged stuff about your sexual past and it should be all good. If that's how you feel I'm not seeing what your concern is at all.

  • Author
Posted
OK, but... once you start discussing sex that opens the door. I'm not saying not to have an open dialogue about sex but this should happen when you're actually ready to have sex. And I think he was thinking the two of you were going to be intimate in some form or fashion at the end of the night because you were so cool with discussing sex earlier in the evening. You yourself said he called you on your original excuse, if he wasn't expecting anything why wouldn't he have just accepted your excuse and moved on? So again, if you weren't ready to actually go there with him it probably wasn't a good idea to start talking about sex at all. If you knew you had a barrier due to past trauma, for you to openly discuss sex and then not even give him a kiss at the end of the night, you gave mixed signals.

 

But then again if you feel that it was totally OK to discuss sex then you both divulged stuff about your sexual past and it should be all good. If that's how you feel I'm not seeing what your concern is at all.

 

OK, yeah I see your point there. Ah oh well. I guess I just can't worry about it too much.

Posted
OK, yeah I see your point there. Ah oh well. I guess I just can't worry about it too much.

 

No, don't worry about it at all. You did nothing wrong. He opened the door first. I hope he's man enough to deal with it and the two of you can move on and build a great relationship. If he isn't, it's totally his loss. I applaud your bravery.

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Posted

Well, never heard back from him after that last text. I guess I did mess it up. Lesson learned, and we probably wouldn't be right for each other anyway.

Posted
Well, never heard back from him after that last text. I guess I did mess it up. Lesson learned,

What if he is waiting for you to contact him, though?

In general, wouldn't it be more appropriate/expected for the person who canceled plans to suggest the next meeting?

 

It's true that neither of you will know if you're "right for each other" after just two dates -- but that's also normal for everybody...after just two dates. The 'not knowing' alone would not, at this early stage, be enough to write-off anybody, I mean.

 

I also think you were right in saying that the entire episode triggered you into feeling vulnerable, so an equally valuable lesson might still be available for you here: along the lines of not allowing 'triggering events' to otherwise interfere with your desires and potential happiness and success.

Maybe?

  • Author
Posted
What if he is waiting for you to contact him, though?

In general, wouldn't it be more appropriate/expected for the person who canceled plans to suggest the next meeting?

 

It's true that neither of you will know if you're "right for each other" after just two dates -- but that's also normal for everybody...after just two dates. The 'not knowing' alone would not, at this early stage, be enough to write-off anybody, I mean.

 

I also think you were right in saying that the entire episode triggered you into feeling vulnerable, so an equally valuable lesson might still be available for you here: along the lines of not allowing 'triggering events' to otherwise interfere with your desires and potential happiness and success.

Maybe?

 

I agree. I'm trying :/

My last relationship was easier because the guy was a social worker and he had also had a bad experience in the past. So he was just super accepting and understanding from the very beginning. But I know from dating other people that everyone reacts to this kind of thing differently. I hate the way it all affects me, and I do try to learn from my mistakes and grow, but there are definitely moments when I just become overwhelmed.

 

When I made the "right for each other" comment, I just meant that based on this incident, we just might not be particularly compatible. It's not that big of a deal. He's just the first guy I've met since my last breakup who I really took a liking to, so I was hoping to see where it might go.

 

I should mention that when I sent those last two texts (the one where I said I understood if I was too much for him, and then the one where I said I was always up for hanging out anyway), I did say that it would be cool if we could hang out on a day where I don't have to be up very early. The two times we've hung out have been weekdays, so I was implying that hanging out on a weekend or during the day would be good (we had mentioned this when we hung out, so I figured I'd bring it up again in that last text). I guess I thought all of that was sort of putting the ball in his court. I think if I contact him again I will potentially just be beating a dead horse, no?

Posted (edited)

furbaby,

I do get where you are, honestly. I'm not trying to disagree with your perceptions and feelings...just offering a possible different scenario for your consideration.

I just meant that based on this incident, we just might not be particularly compatible.

That's kind of my point -- quite possibly it is only an "incident" for you (due to your prior experiences and the fact that you got triggered.) For him, he could STILL be ready and willing to go on a third date with you. HE did not necessarily get triggered; most likely did not get triggered because he doesn't have the same prior experiences.

 

Kind of, your mind is turning it into an "incident" where both of you had the same experience. But that's not the case, in reality. For good reason, YOU are feeling vulnerable and, let's say, awkward-uncomfortable about it...but that is just YOUR experience due to what YOU went through previously.

 

Your date is not feeling vulnerable. All he's got to go on right now is that you suggested a Friday meet-up...and then you canceled it. That is the full extent of HIS experience. HIS "incident", if you will, does not include feelings of vulnerability, discomfort or awkwardness like yours.

 

It's not that big of a deal. He's just the first guy I've met since my last breakup who I really took a liking to
Well, that kind of DOES make it a big deal", yes? Guys we take a liking to aren't as dime-a-dozen as we'd prefer them to be. I still interpret from his comment about "making Friday happen" that he is ALSO "hoping to see where it might go."

 

so I was implying that hanging out on a weekend or during the day would be good
See...I'm a HUGE believer in clear, open, honest communications. Just trying to "imply" your desires, interest, availability, etc., just doesn't offer you the best chance of achieving your own goals.

Especially since you two do not know each other well, to me it would be arrogant and ignorant of him to try to guess-assume what you were trying to imply. And he might not what the responsibility of having to do that. He might want others to take charge of clearly expressing their own 'stuff'.

 

I think if I contact him again I will potentially just be beating a dead horse, no?
That would just be US making guesses and assumptions about what's actually going on for him :p

Yes, maybe he did get turned off once you canceled on him...but you won't know for sure until you ask him, in a clear way, if he's still interested in a third date with you.

 

I guess...maybe a little courage and a lot of clear-assertive communication?

 

In any event. Best of luck, and a happy weekend.

Edited by Ronni_W
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