Emotional Affairs

[Joe Blow]

Well my wife and I are coming up to being married for 10 years and been together for over 11. About 3 years ago she had an emotional affair...she says nothing else happened with someone at work. We work together and how I found out she stood me up at lunch for this person. What made things worse is we had a weekend function and had to spend the weekend together with friends and he was one of them. I caught wind of all the e-mails they've been sharing, hours on the phone etc. etc. She said she wasn't happy with me and turned to him. Well for months I asked for her to stop but she thought she was doing nothing wrong. She'd walk him out nightly well I watched. I was lucky if she came to say bye to me. Well eventually we made it through this but I spent a lot of energy trying to correct this and my faults that led her to be unhappy. As my attempts seem to go how I feel unrecognized I slowly gave up trying. To me we've just been going through the motions and I've never been the same. The two of them continued to talk off and on but just as friends as we all work together. She always denied it when questioned even after I found out and had told her I saw the e-mails. I warned her if it happens again I can't take it. Obvously I've always been unsure of the whole situation.

 

Fast forward to recent times...just before Valentines day she stopped talking to me for something I was unsure of what I did. As I feel I didn't nothing wrong and didn't deserve that treatment I didn't chase her. I actually didn't care if that's how she wanted to be as I was fed up with being unhappy. While in the mean time I decided to chat online for fun. I did meet someone I enjoyed talking to probably more then I should have and started spending more time chatting with this person. I've never met this person. While we were having struggles and I was out she reached out to the person she had the emotional affair with in the past. I found out as she left the e-mails open on my sisters computer. She suspected I was up to something and I knew she was...so I said you be honest and I will...she never did fess up...again. Well one day she checked my phone and saw a text from whom I was chatting with and walked out at 1am. She stayed away for the whole weekend and said it was pretty much over. She came back and one day I checked her phone and there was a text again from the same guy. All of sudden we deciede quickly we'll work on it...sex was involved! That probably didn't help. So after absorbing what really happended I got upset again as she was going back to where I didn't want to go. Then she takes a weekend away and comes home and we missed each other and were happy. Well that night her phone was going off and she was very suspicous with her actions. So after she was in bed I checked her phone...3 messages from the guy again all saying I miss you...wish we could have talked etc. etc. So I once again lose it. Well now we're trying yet again but I don't feel the same and not sure if I will be ever happy as I don't trust the situation. She changed her phone number and says she told him to leave her alone...but this was done before. And clearly didn't last. I've also told the person I was speaking to we can't speak. Through this all she kept lying and even recently tried to delete history on the computer for something she knows I don't like. I'm not sure where it ends and when I can start to trust.

 

Now to make matters worse we both have trust issues...not just me. I'd keep throwing at her now you know how I felt and yours is worse cause you see him everyday and that's what I had to deal with.

 

I know we're both wrong but her issue is a re-occuring one that I have to see daily. I've never met mine and at this point probably won't. But as I think of things I was more happy just chatting with this person then I am with my wife right now. I know it takes time but I think I'm out of time. So not sure if we should move on as we clearly are going in different directions or is there any hope?

 

We have three kids together as well that doesn't make things any easier. We both stand to lose a lot if this ends. Things have been a bit better the last few days but still not the same.

 

Sorry for the long first post buy any thoughts would be appreciated as I'm really confused.

Edited April 15, 2010 by Joe Blow
Added more info

[Eve]

Have you discussed couples counselling? I hear that it can be good.

 

I think attraction to others on some level is normal, even healthy. For example, there is a really interesting person that I work with at the moment. If I wasnt married I would certainly go out with. He even laughs at my rather rubbish jokes! and makes excuses to call me. But I am married so I dont go there. I told my Hubby about him the day I met him and joke about him with my daughter.

 

Having no secrets is the key methinks.

 

Counselling may help you both to reestablish this.

 

Hope it works out, even though things have gone so far. I have been married for roughly the same amount of time as you and sex outside of the marraige would be a deal breaker for me and Hubby equally. So if the love has gone, please dont torture yourself, let her go.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[seibert253]

Let me see if I'm right here:

You've both been involved in EA's, you've ended yours, she says she end hers, but in reality you feel she hasn't?

 

First; there cannot be three in a marriage for it to be successful. Period

Second; do you love your wife, and do you want to repair your marriage and stay married? If the answer to these questions are no, then it's simple. File for D.

Third and final; does you wife love you, and does she want to fix this and remain married? If you don't know, ask. If she doesn't, then it's going to be hard, but for your sanity and hers, let her go.

 

Now, if you two want to fix this then a couple of things need to occur:

1. MC. A must IMO

2. Total and committed NC on both ends, you and her. Each of you needs to contact their respective OP's and tell them you're committing to your marriage, and for the OP never to contact them again. Both of you should be privy to watching the other do this. Be it email, text, or by telephone. I know you've said you've done this, and she claims to have also. But, in order for there to be no confusion about this, do it again.

3. Total transparency on both ends. Each of you has total and complete access to everything about each other, emails, cell phones, the whole deal. If you haven't done so, tell your wife you know she's been deleting her internet history, and this shows you she's hiding something.

 

Now, I know for me, there's no way my wife could continue to work with the OM, and for me to feel secure that she'll stay committed to our marriage. Don't DEMAND she secure other employement, but just tell her it will really show you that's she's 100% committed to you but ending any and ALL contact with the OM. Including work.

 

You sound confused, to committed to working this out. I'm not so sure about her. If you get the "i'm not sure, or I need time to figure this out", then give her sometime. But make it crystal clear there will come a time for her to choose, you or him.

 

Also, since it seems you don't fully trust her, and the evidence shows she may still be engaging in unacceptable contact with the OM, I'd install a keylogger on any computer she uses, as well as having access to her cell phone. Detailed billing will show all numbers dial, received, and texts.

 

Most of all you need to stand firm and let her know any more deceat on her part will result in you filing for D. She needs to see and know what the possible outcome will be if she fails to live up to her obligations.

 

Good Luck and keep us posted.

[You Go Girl]

I can't add to what Siebert wrote. It was very thorough, and advice I would take myself in your shoes.