Improving sex life without changing anything!?

April 15, 2010

How do I improve sex with my wife? She almost orgasms during intercourse infrequently, but would like it to happen every time (as would I)

She will on occasion let me masturbate her (and make her come before sex), but would prefer that I just mounted her missionary style and went at it till she came – she doesn’t like foreplay! I can carry on for over half an hour, but after this length of time I’m pretty well knackered, it’s stopped being fun and she’s nowhere near. She refuses to let me perform oral sex on her, and won’t have sex in any other position except her on top for a short time, and that under protest. When I ask her how to make it better for her, she tells me I should just know, and it’s up to me to figure it out. Any suggestions I’ve made to improve / change / experiment are treated as wholly unwelcome.

She never masturbates, and claims never to have done so. She isn't on any medication, isn't depressed and our BC is my vasectomy.

Any suggestions? I’ve tried to explain that her attitude is a bit like her telling me she can’t stand my cooking, but wants me to make her something like likes without changing any of the ingredients, or how they’re prepared and put together. She says she sees, shrugs and goes back to the same old way!

April 16, 2010

Obviously, you can not improve the situation without changing anything. That defies logic.

So she wants to orgasm more? But is unwilling to change anything?

Have you explored the "why"s? Why is she opposed to oral? Why won't she let you masturbate her?

Have you introduced a vibrator? Er..."back massager"?

I'm direct, but I would approach this situation from the standpoint of needs and capacities. She needs an orgasm. You need her to be sexually satisfied. You lack the capacity to maintain intercourse for 30+ minutes, so that is out. Out. How can we solve this problem? Throw all your possible solutions on the table, and ask for her solutions, but maintain that 30+ minutes of intercourse is beyond your capacities and is OUT. She can veto some ideas, too. But, in the end, if 30+ minutes of intercourse is your ONLY veto, and she has a list of vetoes, the onus is on her to suggest an acceptable solution.

April 16, 2010

This is a tough one...and boy, talk about stamina, lol

She's responsible for her own orgasm. Orgasm is 90% mental anyway!

I don't know how to tell her this, but if she gets her mind going beforehand, she can be almost ready to orgasm before the physical act even starts.

Naturally nobody can do that everytime...

but I hear about this a lot with women. I don't think they realize just how mental orgasm is.

On top, she controls things, and should be able to orgasm fairly quickly. But your wife sounds very submissive, and passive, so...

rather than trying to recreate her personality, you could try umm...it's difficult for me to describe sexual stuff frankly, I prefer to be subtle on a public forum...so I'm looking for the words...

instead of in and out movement on your part, perhaps close contact more circular movement, then go back to the in and out. She seems to need prolonged direct contact with her pleasure button.

Ask her to be more vocal. Like in--keep doing that, no idiot, don't change what you're doing now! Or do this, that isn't working, go back to what you were doing before...sounds clinical but it can be said with some enthusiasm, or differently. Hey, clinical would be ok, I bet you wouldn't mind.

Have you ever tried talking a little naughty to her while you are in the act? I don't know what would turn her on or off, but you could try things, because she doesn't sound like she knows herself.

Little tiny moves to get her to accept a little more variety, slowly, so that she doesn't get angry or uncomfortable.

April 16, 2010

I bet there's a beast in there somewhere...just a very submissive one who is probably afraid of new things, yet...they're exactly what would bring out the beast.

We all start out somewhat submissive, because we're all timid in the beginning, with no confidence, male or female. She's still in the beginning or starting to learn phase.

April 16, 2010

When I ask her how to make it better for her, she tells me I should just know, and it’s up to me to figure it out.

No. Uh-uh. She might as well be telling you that you "should just know" how to build a time-travel machine! It's plain wrong thinking and false beliefs.

It actually sounds as if your wife could stand to do some research into female sexuality and sexual anatomy, as well as uncover her own false/limiting beliefs about sex -- the faulty 'programming' from parents, church, teachers and other childhood influences that are leading to sexual and body shame.

Before you go to your wife with xxoo's good plan, it's also that YOU need to know the 'facts and stats' about female orgasms during intercourse so that you can have well-informed conversations with your wife, instead of just accepting whatever she asserts and taking on whatever unreasonable demands and burdensome responsibilities she assigns you.

Be kind but firm when you tell her that, in fact, SHE is responsible for knowing and communicating to her lover about her own body's wants, needs and preferences. As a loving, consenting, adult sex partner, she is EQUALLY responsible for making efforts to ensure mutual pleasure -- it's NOT just your job to do all the work. Partnered sex means...sex with a fully engaged and actively participating partner.

You could look into studies and research by Shere Hite, Kinsey, Drew Pinsky, Gail Saltz. Nancy Friday's 'My Secret Garden' might also be an eye-opener.

From scarleteen.com: "the majority of women do NOT reach orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone. ... Sadly, more women than not have just never been informed as to how their sexual anatomy works, and that vaginal intercourse is not often "the" sex for women, or a kind of sex which results in orgasm for most all by itself."

You may also want to check-out the book 'The Art of Sexual Ecstasy' by Margo Anand. It offers a slow-paced but comprehensive "program" to help develop a positive-healthy sexual self-image and relationship with a partner.

This is a condition that requires BOTH of you to resolve. Your wife needs to take 100% responsibility for her side -- how to put that across to her in a loving but clear way may be your biggest challenge.

Best of luck.

Edited April 16, 2010 by Ronni_W

April 16, 2010

All, thanks for helpful comments – I’ve put them in in italic, and my responses in plain text, in gthe hope that you may be able to help me dig a little deeper. I think I’m beginning to see the root cause, but I need some help with a plan now.

Obviously, you can not improve the situation without changing anything. That defies logic.

So she wants to orgasm more? But is unwilling to change anything?

Have you explored the "why"s? Why is she opposed to oral? Why won't she let you masturbate her?

Have you introduced a vibrator? Er..."back massager"?

I'm direct, but I would approach this situation from the standpoint of needs and capacities. She needs an orgasm. You need her to be sexually satisfied. You lack the capacity to maintain intercourse for 30+ minutes, so that is out. Out. How can we solve this problem? Throw all your possible solutions on the table, and ask for her solutions, but maintain that 30+ minutes of intercourse is beyond your capacities and is OUT. She can veto some ideas, too. But, in the end, if 30+ minutes of intercourse is your ONLY veto, and she has a list of vetoes, the onus is on her to suggest an acceptable solution.

OK – won’t do oral because it’s “dirty and unnatural” (we have had this discussion many, many times, and I bet you can guess how much she goes down on me!) She will let me masturbate her – but only sometimes and there’s no rhyme or reason as to why or when. She will NOT touch herself, anywhere, and vibrators are for “sluts”. I’ve tried suggestions like you say – putting the cards on the table, and she just says “it’s up to you, you’re the man”, as if that both helps and answers everything!

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

This is a tough one...and boy, talk about stamina, lol

She's responsible for her own orgasm. Orgasm is 90% mental anyway!

I don't know how to tell her this, but if she gets her mind going beforehand, she can be almost ready to orgasm before the physical act even starts.

Naturally nobody can do that everytime...

but I hear about this a lot with women. I don't think they realize just how mental orgasm is.

On top, she controls things, and should be able to orgasm fairly quickly. But your wife sounds very submissive, and passive, so...

rather than trying to recreate her personality, you could try umm...it's difficult for me to describe sexual stuff frankly, I prefer to be subtle on a public forum...so I'm looking for the words...

instead of in and out movement on your part, perhaps close contact more circular movement, then go back to the in and out. She seems to need prolonged direct contact with her pleasure button.

Ask her to be more vocal. Like in--keep doing that, no idiot, don't change what you're doing now! Or do this, that isn't working, go back to what you were doing before...sounds clinical but it can be said with some enthusiasm, or differently. Hey, clinical would be ok, I bet you wouldn't mind.

Have you ever tried talking a little naughty to her while you are in the act? I don't know what would turn her on or off, but you could try things, because she doesn't sound like she knows herself.

Little tiny moves to get her to accept a little more variety, slowly, so that she doesn't get angry or uncomfortable.

I bet there's a beast in there somewhere...just a very submissive one who is probably afraid of new things, yet...they're exactly what would bring out the beast.

We all start out somewhat submissive, because we're all timid in the beginning, with no confidence, male or female. She's still in the beginning or starting to learn phase.

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]She won’t encourage, direct or talk during sex – she very much calls a spade a “you know what”... Submissive, no – she certainly won’t entertain me direct what we do or how – passive certainly. We’ve been in this starting to learn phase for fifteen years – maybe I’m being over-optimistic but I thought we might have got out of the starting gate by now! I’ve been trying to introduce little bits of variety (like her touching any part of my body with her hands) throughout that time, so it isn’t like I haven’t tried, gently. She just doesn’t[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

No. Uh-uh. She might as well be telling you that you "should just know" how to build a time-travel machine! It's plain wrong thinking and false beliefs.

It actually sounds as if your wife could stand to do some research into female sexuality and sexual anatomy, as well as uncover her own false/limiting beliefs about sex -- the faulty 'programming' from parents, church, teachers and other childhood influences that are leading to sexual and body shame.

Before you go to your wife with xxoo's good plan, it's also that YOU need to know the 'facts and stats' about female orgasms during intercourse so that you can have well-informed conversations with your wife, instead of just accepting whatever she asserts and taking on whatever unreasonable demands and burdensome responsibilities she assigns you.

Be kind but firm when you tell her that, in fact, SHE is responsible for knowing and communicating to her lover about her own body's wants, needs and preferences. As a loving, consenting, adult sex partner, she is EQUALLY responsible for making efforts to ensure mutual pleasure -- it's NOT just your job to do all the work. Partnered sex means...sex with a fully engaged and actively participating partner.

You could look into studies and research by Shere Hite, Kinsey, Drew Pinsky, Gail Saltz. Nancy Friday's 'My Secret Garden' might also be an eye-opener.

From scarleteen.com: "the majority of women do NOT reach orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone. ... Sadly, more women than not have just never been informed as to how their sexual anatomy works, and that vaginal intercourse is not often "the" sex for women, or a kind of sex which results in orgasm for most all by itself."

You may also want to check-out the book 'The Art of Sexual Ecstasy' by Margo Anand. It offers a slow-paced but comprehensive "program" to help develop a positive-healthy sexual self-image and relationship with a partner.

This is a condition that requires BOTH of you to resolve. Your wife needs to take 100% responsibility for her side -- how to put that across to her in a loving but clear way may be your biggest challenge.

Best of luck.

Don’t I know it – if I “just knew” how to make a money-making machine I’d do that too! You may have hit the issue – she does not want to take any responsibility for her own sexual response – that’s my “job”. Her part in the division of labour is deigning to let me. I’ve read Hite, and Friday, but she won’t – she won’t have anything like it in the house – “Filth” was her description of a Relate published manual. I don’t think she buys the idea that partner sex involves both of us making an effort. I don’t know who put this idea that she just lies back and the masterful man simply brings her to ecstasy without any help or clue from her, but if I could get hold of them I’d cheerfully strangle them!

I’ll be offline for most of the weekend but will look as soon as I can.

April 16, 2010

I am at work so I only have a moment, but I just had to respond to you! First, I think you must be a very patient man/husband to have dealt with this for 15 yrs.

Second, I am just guessing that she is very religous or was raised this way so here's my suggestion...have her read Song of Soloman. There is some very juicy stuff in there and even God says that sex b/t a husband and wife is to be fully enjoyed. There are a few good "christian" based sex books out there...can look them up later...but seriously if she has this attitude I am not sure how to convince her that sex is a PARTNER sport and she can take charge of what feels good!

Of course, if religion plays no part in the thinking then just disregaurd what I've said. Honestly sounds like she has some deep routed issues that a bit of counselling might help with, but until she see's it as a problem I am sure she won't go there.

April 16, 2010

The thing is she's got to own her orgasm. All you can do is help her and I know you're eager. But her satisfaction is hers and hers alone. Don't turn it into a personal conquest. Men are frequently "prize winners". Her orgasm is not a prize for you to win.

April 16, 2010

Read this CR James book, Super Sex Power Magnetism. If she wants you to do all the work then this books for you. He changes you which in turn changes her. Good luck

Edited April 16, 2010 by tnttim

April 16, 2010

You may have hit the issue – she does not want to take any responsibility for her own sexual response – that’s my “job”. Her part in the division of labour is deigning to let me. I’ve read Hite, and Friday, but she won’t – she won’t have anything like it in the house – “Filth” was her description of a Relate published manual. I don’t think she buys the idea that partner sex involves both of us making an effort. I don’t know who put this idea that she just lies back and the masterful man simply brings her to ecstasy without any help or clue from her, but if I could get hold of them I’d cheerfully strangle them!

I’ll be offline for most of the weekend but will look as soon as I can.

Why on earth did you marry this woman knowing that she is so repressed sexuallly?

I really think this is going to take professional help to sort this out.

I think men who end up marrying their fantasy submissive virgin types fail to realize that they don't turn into nympho sex pots like the porn movies have you to believe. Most of the time they remain sexually repressed boring women.

April 17, 2010

I’ve read Hite, and Friday, but she won’t – she won’t have anything like it in the house – “Filth” was her description of a Relate published manual.
won’t do oral because it’s “dirty and unnatural” ... vibrators are for “sluts”.

Her belief system is a throwback to Victorian Era and prior. Church and state were/are equally responsible...and mothers, grandmothers and fathers did their part, too. You'd have to strangle many, many and then many, many more. Sadly.

I agree with SarahRose that these types of generations-old, church-backed, society-accepted, ingrained, misguided beliefs systems and faulty/infected 'programs' do require professional help to be repaired (deleted and upgraded, so to speak.)

In your (sexual) relationship, you do have the power and the right to stop taking responsibility for all of it; to tell her that, while you understand where her attitude and expectations are coming from, they are nonetheless outdated and you will no longer be living according to them.

I'd suggest that this needs to be done for your own psychological-emotional well-being.

It won't net you a more satisfying sex life but...until your wife is prepared to explore and update her own beliefs about it, sorry to say that your sex life (with her) will not be improving. Sadly.

April 17, 2010

How about new influences? New women influences in her life? If she starts to see that most women don't think like she does, her eyes might start to open to the last hundred years of societal norms.

It's hard to push new sexual thinking into her life because where is it acceptable to discuss it that she might run into other ideas?

As for your missionary length of time issue, try going at it for awhile, then without disengaging sit up and use your hand on her, then back at the main attraction for awhile, and keep going between the two to make sure she gets stimulated faster? Just an idea.

April 17, 2010

MOST but not all women - mid cycle - which, if they are regular is typically 14 days after their most recent period - WANT a sexually dominant male while they are ovulating - lots of studies on this.

You ever "overpower" her - pin her to the wall and then push her down on the bed and hold her down while you start to do stuff to her? If you do this while she is ovulating it will trigger a cascade of built in circuitry. This is not the stuff of civilized conversation. Most women are not so good at teaching their guys this stuff - I was lucky and had an expert instructor. Imagine how embarrassing / awkward it is for a shy woman to say "I want you to overpower me and just take me" especially since they NEVER want that behavior outside the bedroom.

How do I improve sex with my wife? She almost orgasms during intercourse infrequently, but would like it to happen every time (as would I)

She will on occasion let me masturbate her (and make her come before sex), but would prefer that I just mounted her missionary style and went at it till she came – she doesn’t like foreplay! I can carry on for over half an hour, but after this length of time I’m pretty well knackered, it’s stopped being fun and she’s nowhere near. She refuses to let me perform oral sex on her, and won’t have sex in any other position except her on top for a short time, and that under protest. When I ask her how to make it better for her, she tells me I should just know, and it’s up to me to figure it out. Any suggestions I’ve made to improve / change / experiment are treated as wholly unwelcome.

She never masturbates, and claims never to have done so. She isn't on any medication, isn't depressed and our BC is my vasectomy.

Any suggestions? I’ve tried to explain that her attitude is a bit like her telling me she can’t stand my cooking, but wants me to make her something like likes without changing any of the ingredients, or how they’re prepared and put together. She says she sees, shrugs and goes back to the same old way!

April 17, 2010

MOST but not all women - mid cycle - which, if they are regular is typically 14 days after their most recent period - WANT a sexually dominant male while they are ovulating - lots of studies on this.

You ever "overpower" her - pin her to the wall and then push her down on the bed and hold her down while you start to do stuff to her? If you do this while she is ovulating it will trigger a cascade of built in circuitry. This is not the stuff of civilized conversation. Most women are not so good at teaching their guys this stuff - I was lucky and had an expert instructor. Imagine how embarrassing / awkward it is for a shy woman to say "I want you to overpower me and just take me" especially since they NEVER want that behavior outside the bedroom.

It's true we like a dominant male at times. It is also true that if he does that--without reading the right signals--the police are going to be at the door within the hour.

And it's not embarassing to say--"I want you to overpower me" , it's just that if you have to instruct that, well, lol, it negates it.

April 17, 2010

Did you know the first vibrators were used in doctors offices to treat "hysteria" and manual to orgasm has been used a lot longer.

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/article4032852.ece

She might find this to be enlightening.

How about a cockring with a clit attachment? You would be the one wearing it, not her.

April 18, 2010

YGG,

I agree - it is one of those things where if you ask - it loses the impact - except if you are in a LTR. Because then - you can say I like "x y z" and your partner incorporates that into the games you play over time. And if he is good at it - he ends up with lots of variants on his own which are surprising and fun.

We actually have never had a "safe" word. If W just said "stop - I am not kidding" in a firm voice I would stop immediately. And for her - cycle doesn't matter. If she is tired she likes gentle - if she is not tired she likes dominant.

Usually best way to do this is gradually - for instance I would NEVER go straight to being rough. I would start with restraining and dominant talk "strip - do it now - tell me you will do whatever I say". And after a couple sexual encounters where that went over really well - then I might get a little rough and see what happens.

Women are hardwired to desire alpha males - the closer a male mimics non-toxic alpha male behavior the hotter the sex.

But I freely acknowledge that some women - I will guess maybe 1/3 to 1/4 of the female population - is not able to get past their social conditioning and enjoy this type of playing....

It's true we like a dominant male at times. It is also true that if he does that--without reading the right signals--the police are going to be at the door within the hour.
And it's not embarassing to say--"I want you to overpower me" , it's just that if you have to instruct that, well, lol, it negates it.

April 18, 2010

YGG,
I would start with restraining and dominant talk "strip - do it now - tell me you will do whatever I say". And after a couple sexual encounters where that went over really well - then I might get a little rough and see what happens.

Women are hardwired to desire alpha males - the closer a male mimics non-toxic alpha male behavior the hotter the sex.

But I freely acknowledge that some women - I will guess maybe 1/3 to 1/4 of the female population - is not able to get past their social conditioning and enjoy this type of playing....

I'm with you, mem.

But I don't see this wife being receptive to this approach. She's got a LOT of sexual hangups.

April 18, 2010

You ever "overpower" her - pin her to the wall and then push her down on the bed and hold her down while you start to do stuff to her?

Yep...that type of scenario is exactly what came into my head, as well. I agree with your entire post, mem.

She has been saying, in effect, "You take charge" -- so then follow her instructions, why not?

But I also agree with xxoo, and because those same actions can be grounds for rape charges.

Honorable_Venerable, if you are going to find the courage to try this approach (and I'd suggest and encourage you to try to do just that)...well, you might want to take a page from dom-sub guidelines. There is always a code word that means "stop, which ends all activity and play action

no matter what. It is best to be an unusual and/or non-sex related word. (For some reason, "eggs" came into my head just then )

How to develop such a code word without letting her into the rest of your plan? I'm not sure. You could just say, "If ever I do something that you REALLY want me to stop doing, then you just need to say <code word>." Yes, at that moment, she'll pro'ly think you've gone bonkers...but so what?

You can also Google "guide to dominance and submission" -- if that is necessary to give you confidence and know-how.

Also, during your (first) dom-sub experience, you might want to remember to remind her, "Remember the word you need to say to get me to stop?"

With luck, hope and all that's holy -- perhaps it will be the first of MANY super-delightful dom-sub experiences for the both of you

April 18, 2010

OK, back again. As before, posted answers in italic, my replies in plain.

Why on earth did you marry this woman knowing that she is so repressed sexuallly?

I really think this is going to take professional help to sort this out.

I think men who end up marrying their fantasy submissive virgin types fail to realize that they don't turn into nympho sex pots like the porn movies have you to believe. Most of the time they remain sexually repressed boring women.

She WASN’T like this before we were married – oral sex etc was fine then, but once we were married, it isn’t (apparently) what married people do, and we’re too old (allegedly)

Her belief system is a throwback to Victorian Era and prior. Church and state were/are equally responsible...and mothers, grandmothers and fathers did their part, too. You'd have to strangle many, many and then many, many more. Sadly.

I agree with SarahRose that these types of generations-old, church-backed, society-accepted, ingrained, misguided beliefs systems and faulty/infected 'programs' do require professional help to be repaired (deleted and upgraded, so to speak.)

In your (sexual) relationship, you do have the power and the right to stop taking responsibility for all of it; to tell her that, while you understand where her attitude and expectations are coming from, they are nonetheless outdated and you will no longer be living according to them.

I'd suggest that this needs to be done for your own psychological-emotional well-being.

It won't net you a more satisfying sex life but...until your wife is prepared to explore and update her own beliefs about it, sorry to say that your sex life (with her) will not be improving. Sadly.

She isn’t especially religious – occasional church attendance, but not super-observant. Whilst I’de be quite happy to blame the church, I’m not sure it’s the root cause. Professional help, though I think is the only way, irrespective of the underlying cause(s).

How about new influences? New women influences in her life? If she starts to see that most women don't think like she does, her eyes might start to open to the last hundred years of societal norms.

It's hard to push new sexual thinking into her life because where is it acceptable to discuss it that she might run into other ideas?

Possibly – I’m not sure where. She isn’t one for casual friendships and would be gravely suspicious of any such efforts by me – besides which, I’m not certain where to point her to find these sexually liberated ladies!

As for your missionary length of time issue, try going at it for awhile, then without disengaging sit up and use your hand on her, then back at the main attraction for awhile, and keep going between the two to make sure she gets stimulated faster? Just an idea.

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Worth a try – not doing anything different in this way, so it might fly. I’ll give it a go.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

How about a cockring with a clit attachment? You would be the one wearing it, not her.

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Er, no.Not these side of a frozen hell. I would guess the response to be along the lines of “What the hell is that? What do you think I am? This sin’t a porno movies – where the hell did you get it from?[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

MOST but not all women - mid cycle - which, if they are regular is typically 14 days after their most recent period - WANT a sexually dominant male while they are ovulating - lots of studies on this.

You ever "overpower" her - pin her to the wall and then push her down on the bed and hold her down while you start to do stuff to her? If you do this while she is ovulating it will trigger a cascade of built in circuitry. This is not the stuff of civilized conversation. Most women are not so good at teaching their guys this stuff - I was lucky and had an expert instructor. Imagine how embarrassing / awkward it is for a shy woman to say "I want you to overpower me and just take me" especially since they NEVER want that behavior outside the bedroom.

How about a cockring with a clit attachment? You would be the one wearing it, not her.

YGG,

I agree - it is one of those things where if you ask - it loses the impact - except if you are in a LTR. Because then - you can say I like "x y z" and your partner incorporates that into the games you play over time. And if he is good at it - he ends up with lots of variants on his own which are surprising and fun.

We actually have never had a "safe" word. If W just said "stop - I am not kidding" in a firm voice I would stop immediately. And for her - cycle doesn't matter. If she is tired she likes gentle - if she is not tired she likes dominant.

Usually best way to do this is gradually - for instance I would NEVER go straight to being rough. I would start with restraining and dominant talk "strip - do it now - tell me you will do whatever I say". And after a couple sexual encounters where that went over really well - then I might get a little rough and see what happens.

Women are hardwired to desire alpha males - the closer a male mimics non-toxic alpha male behavior the hotter the sex.

Yep...that type of scenario is exactly what came into my head, as well. I agree with your entire post, mem.

She has been saying, in effect, "You take charge" -- so then follow her instructions, why not?

But I also agree with xxoo, and because those same actions can be grounds for rape charges.

Honorable_Venerable, if you are going to find the courage to try this approach (and I'd suggest and encourage you to try to do just that)...well, you might want to take a page from dom-sub guidelines. There is always a code word that means "stop, which ends all activity and play action

no matter what. It is best to be an unusual and/or non-sex related word. (For some reason, "eggs" came into my head just then )

How to develop such a code word without letting her into the rest of your plan? I'm not sure. You could just say, "If ever I do something that you REALLY want me to stop doing, then you just need to say <code word>." Yes, at that moment, she'll pro'ly think you've gone bonkers...but so what?

You can also Google "guide to dominance and submission" -- if that is necessary to give you confidence and know-how.

Also, during your (first) dom-sub experience, you might want to remember to remind her, "Remember the word you need to say to get me to stop?"

With luck, hope and all that's holy -- perhaps it will be the first of MANY super-delightful dom-sub experiences for the both of you

I’ve grouped these responses, to answer them together. My first thought was that you had all lost your minds. My second was that I had very seriously misjudged the value of the advice I was going to get here. AT THE VERY BEST I might get away with being stabbed / cut or beaten about the head with whatever she can find if I try this, at worst I am going to be in a police cell with only “some people on an internet forum suggested it” as an alibi in a rape / sexual assault case, AND stabbed, cut or beaten. I am not joking in this. The last time I tried something like this I got a dictionary thrown at my head. Based on a previous response and a bit of reading, I don’t think it’s sumissiveness, more like passive-aggressive behaviour.

April 18, 2010

"I’ve grouped these responses, to answer them together. My first thought was that you had all lost your minds. My second was that I had very seriously misjudged the value of the advice I was going to get here. AT THE VERY BEST I might get away with being stabbed / cut or beaten about the head with whatever she can find if I try this, at worst I am going to be in a police cell with only “some people on an internet forum suggested it” as an alibi in a rape / sexual assault case, AND stabbed, cut or beaten. I am not joking in this. The last time I tried something like this I got a dictionary thrown at my head. Based on a previous response and a bit of reading, I don’t think it’s sumissiveness, more like passive-aggressive behaviour."

Oh, LOL!

Sorry, Honorable...not laughing at you, laughing with you I hope at the scenario--

Headlines: "Man tries to liberate sexually repressed wife by force, is stabbed, jailed!"

Well I wasn't one of those who said do that. Humph. Pats own back twice. I did suggest the police might be at the house within the hour, lol

A lot of posters on here who would answer this question obviously aren't sexually repressed. They either wouldn't be here to begin with, or would just read, never reply. Hence the crowd that suggests you try such a thing.

I just laughed so hard...you coming onto your wife a little agressively, and then her--running down the hallway with a butcher knife tunnel vision to stabbing your chest. All because you took the advice of an online marriage/sex forum. lol

Ok. I'll stop laughing. Please don't take offense.

You know your wife, we don't. As to what I suggested that incorporated two things you are allowed to do, try to sneak that in when she's closing her eyes too, if possible. She might even reject that.

Your wife is just horrified of the unknown. And, frankly, we all are, else none of us would really have any boundaries, or extremely few, right from our first experience.

I'm wondering if a book, something rather mild, that she just might pick up and read a little before she tossed it out. For instance, if you buy a book on improving married sex life, and don't even take the shrink wrap off, you can't be accused of anything but trying to improve your relationship with her, can you? Be careful in your choice. She sounds a little--potential to be vicious at times.

April 18, 2010

“some people on an internet forum suggested it”

I agree, HV. Not a wise move in your position.

April 18, 2010

"I’ve grouped these responses, to answer them together. My first thought was that you had all lost your minds. My second was that I had very seriously misjudged the value of the advice I was going to get here. AT THE VERY BEST I might get away with being stabbed / cut or beaten about the head with whatever she can find if I try this, at worst I am going to be in a police cell with only “some people on an internet forum suggested it” as an alibi in a rape / sexual assault case, AND stabbed, cut or beaten. I am not joking in this. The last time I tried something like this I got a dictionary thrown at my head. Based on a previous response and a bit of reading, I don’t think it’s sumissiveness, more like passive-aggressive behaviour."

Oh, LOL!
Sorry, Honorable...not laughing at you, laughing with you I hope at the scenario--
Headlines: "Man tries to liberate sexually repressed wife by force, is stabbed, jailed!"
Well I wasn't one of those who said do that. Humph. Pats own back twice. I did suggest the police might be at the house within the hour, lol

A lot of posters on here who would answer this question obviously aren't sexually repressed. They either wouldn't be here to begin with, or would just read, never reply. Hence the crowd that suggests you try such a thing.
I just laughed so hard...you coming onto your wife a little agressively, and then her--running down the hallway with a butcher knife tunnel vision to stabbing your chest. All because you took the advice of an online marriage/sex forum. lol
Ok. I'll stop laughing. Please don't take offense.

You know your wife, we don't. As to what I suggested that incorporated two things you are allowed to do, try to sneak that in when she's closing her eyes too, if possible. She might even reject that.
Your wife is just horrified of the unknown. And, frankly, we all are, else none of us would really have any boundaries, or extremely few, right from our first experience.
I'm wondering if a book, something rather mild, that she just might pick up and read a little before she tossed it out. For instance, if you buy a book on improving married sex life, and don't even take the shrink wrap off, you can't be accused of anything but trying to improve your relationship with her, can you? Be careful in your choice. She sounds a little--potential to be vicious at times.

You go girl - no offence taken - I have to admit it IS the sort of thing that ends up as one of those "Wow, what a nutcase!" headlines in the low-end tabloid newspapers. I'd just prefer not to be the poor dumb beggar who's the butt of the joke! As for the books - I tried that before, as I said. It was one publisehd by Relate, the relationship guidance organisation, so ought to be about as non-pervy and above board as you can get. She wouldn't even look at it, threw it out and and called it filth. I may have overstated her proclivity to violence, but I am 99% certain she would NOT see that a dominant sexual approach was NOT sexual violence. She is NOT submissive - she doesn't surrender control of our sex life to me, she maintains complete control on what we do (or rather don't do), hence I can't convince her to try anything different. There seems to be an element of passive-aggressive behaviour, an element of an expectation that nice married people "don't" and an expectation that sex is entirely on her terms "It's not a buyer's market" was how she rather pithily put it once.

Thanks to you good people here (not withstanding the comments above) I wonder if I'm starting to understand the "what" of how she thinks, if not the "why" or the "how the hell do I change it". Well, small steps, little victories, I suppose...

April 18, 2010

Yeah, it's just sad though, because underneath all that self-repression is another woman who would learn to enjoy sex like the rest of us.

How to get past her upbringing, or whatever it is where all that came from--and open her eyes to enjoyment a little more...

baby steps indeed.

April 18, 2010

HV, if you've already tried 'taking charge' without the hoped-for result...then, yeah, I agree with you. Professional help is the only thing that might help her adopt new beliefs about her own sexuality.

She isn’t especially religious – occasional church attendance, but not super-observant. Whilst I’de be quite happy to blame the church, I’m not sure it’s the root cause.

This type of attitude towards sex has less to do with one's personal religious beliefs and practices than with what has become "normal and accepted" behaviour for women (and for men, in areas other than sex. "Real men don't cry", for example.)

I grew up with a whole lotta screwed-up messages about what "good girls" do and do not do as far as sex, from many different sources. Similarly, your wife's beliefs and attitude can't really be blamed only on 'the church'...or any other single influence.

The saddest part is that, today, girl-children are STILL being fed the SAME stupid crap.

But it's also not without rhyme or reason that women fear being labeled "easy" or worse, a "slut"...boys and men of all ages are still using those terms in the insulting and derogatory manner originally intended .

We are only too aware of the time-honoured tradition to stone (literally and/or figuratively) women who are open and honest about their sexuality, and who go about the business of meeting their sexual needs in whatever ways work for them.

Therapy, preferably with someone experienced in the field of sexual hang-ups, will help your wife untangle the specific screwed-up messages that she's still operating from...those are her "underlying/root causes" of her current views on the matter. You're right that it's not actually 'the church' or 'society' or whatever.

April 18, 2010

HV,

Sorry - didn't fully grasp your situation until you reiterated the point about how she was fine with normal variety of sex until marriage at which point she shut you down.

Can't help you. You have allowed yourself to be emotionally overpowered - PS - I will define that for you since every guy I say this to spends a lot of ink explaining to me that his partner has not overpowered him.

Emotionally overpowered: When the stronger partner egregiously violates the golden rule and the weaker partner allows them to do so without proportional consequence.

She did a total sexual bait and switch and your response has been to politely state your disappointment. And her response to your complaints has been to ignore you/blame you for not being smart enough to figure it out.

No advice is going to help you because this isn't about making a logical case - you are plenty smart enough to do that. This is about having the courage to inflict consequences on a very ill behaved partner. And you seem to lack that courage.

Very few women are able to have truly exciting sex with men they can walk all over.

You go girl - no offence taken - I have to admit it IS the sort of thing that ends up as one of those "Wow, what a nutcase!" headlines in the low-end tabloid newspapers. I'd just prefer not to be the poor dumb beggar who's the butt of the joke! As for the books - I tried that before, as I said. It was one publisehd by Relate, the relationship guidance organisation, so ought to be about as non-pervy and above board as you can get. She wouldn't even look at it, threw it out and and called it filth. I may have overstated her proclivity to violence, but I am 99% certain she would NOT see that a dominant sexual approach was NOT sexual violence. She is NOT submissive - she doesn't surrender control of our sex life to me, she maintains complete control on what we do (or rather don't do), hence I can't convince her to try anything different. There seems to be an element of passive-aggressive behaviour, an element of an expectation that nice married people "don't" and an expectation that sex is entirely on her terms "It's not a buyer's market" was how she rather pithily put it once.

Thanks to you good people here (not withstanding the comments above) I wonder if I'm starting to understand the "what" of how she thinks, if not the "why" or the "how the hell do I change it". Well, small steps, little victories, I suppose...

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