Single woman, 40+, keep hoping or giving up?

[WalkInThePark]

This is my constant dilemma. It is difficult to give up the hope to find love because after all, you don't know how long you will live and what will happen. So I don't want to have a frame of mind in which I exclude the possibility. Because I am afraid if I would do that, it would be a selffulfilling prophecy.

At the same time, my life experience has learnt me that it is very difficult for me to meet someone. I am by no means timid or introvert but I am not a flirt; I am not constantly out to capture the attention of a man. It feels unnatural. When I meet a new man, I am friendly but I don't take out my sexy card. I can be very playful and seducive if I want, but I need to know someone better, need to know if someone is OK. I feel that if you flirt, you turn around things. Why be seductive if you don't even know a guy? It might also give the wrong signal if you find out afterwards you don't like the guy.

 

I know I would like to be in a relationship. I would feel more fulfilled. I love taking care of someone (and being taken care of).

There has been a time when I thought that I should maybe do a big, conscious effort to find a partner. I bought some books, checked the internet and had a profile on a dating site. Thinking that I should maybe approach this as a kind of business strategy.

But this does not work for me. I found most dates disappointing. I went to them thinking that it was better than sitting at home watching TV but often I came back thinking that I'd better had been watching TV that evening. It was difficult to meet a "normal" man. Someone who did not smell, did not have akward behaviour, did not ask rude questions, did not turn out to have lied about 50% of the info in his profile...

 

And even if a date was nice, it felt most of the time so unnatural to have a 2nd one. It was like it was: OK, let's have a 2nd date, just for the sake of it. For me the problem is that I have to think too much about it and I don't want to think about it. I just want to roll into a relationship.

 

So I have decided that internetdating is not for me. Which basically means that I accept that the chance that I meet an available man who meets my criteria is very small. Risky choice but it feels better. It was simply too much stress to constantly get out of my comfort zone (I know you sometimes have to do that but too much is too much). I also got confused after meeting 3 or 4 guys in one month. Who had what job and how many kids and was divorced for how many years?

 

If I would have a crystal ball and I would see in there that I will never find a great relationship, I would actually accept it and organize my life accordingly. But I don't have a crystal ball so it is still possible.

Rationally: I know the answer. I should just live my life the way it feels best for me at this moment. I just can't shake off the worry that by doing this I might miss out on the guy for me.

 

Don't know if what I write make sense. I guess that some of the other older singles (women) here, might understand me.

[2sure]

I remarried at 40, and now a few years later - am divorcing.

I am someone who likes to have a partner, but I have also been happy for years without one...so, like you - I'm open either way.

 

However, if I come to a point that I decide a partner is what I want...I know that like anything else in my life...If I want it I have to be proactive to meet my goals. Dating, networking, meeting people via organizations and events. Those are the things people over 40 (and under) do when they are actively looking for a partner. If you dont feel like doing them , maybe you dont really want a partner?

 

Like anything else, I suppose there is a remote chance you can wait for something to fall into your lap....but very remote. Not pursuing dating and meeting potential partners, yet hoping for one...is like expecting to get a job without going to an interview. And thats OK, but you should know your actions affect the odds.

[WalkInThePark]

However, if I come to a point that I decide a partner is what I want...I know that like anything else in my life...If I want it I have to be proactive to meet my goals. Dating, networking, meeting people via organizations and events. Those are the things people over 40 (and under) do when they are actively looking for a partner. If you dont feel like doing them , maybe you dont really want a partner?

 

Oh, I definitely want a partner. But I have tried to be proactive and it just did not work for me. I have tried speeddating and internetdating but most dates felt awkward. Very rarely there was someone I wanted to see again, and very rarely there was someone who wanted to see me again. I guess these methods work for people who have no problem to make it a numbers game. But I am not able to do that. After a couple of first dates with no follow-up I am always so exhausted and fed up that I lose the courage to further try.

 

Not pursuing dating and meeting potential partners, yet hoping for one...is like expecting to get a job without going to an interview.

 

I don't know. It's about finding love, not about finding a job. That's a whole different ballgame. I am way to romantic to approach this like a job search (something I was always very good at as a matter of fact). Love is best when it just happens while you are busy something you enjoy.

 

I don't think there is one size fits all system when it comes to finding love. For some people the proactive way might feel good and consequently work. For me the proactive way feels horrible. It's work and no fun! I think I need to find an approach which feels good to me. Haven't found it yet.

[CarrieT]

WitP, I am in exactly the same place as you -- except that I have lived the bulk of my adult life in various relationships and now, having been single for two years, am unsure I will ever really find anyone again.

 

I have had 8 dates in two years and only two of them went to second dates (and those two were pretty lack-luster).

 

I am still very uncomfortable living alone and am so lonely that I *know* it projects desperation. I just sort of have this feeling that it will take me YEARS of getting more comfortable by myself before I can meet someone.

[WalkInThePark]

WitP, I am in exactly the same place as you -- except that I have lived the bulk of my adult life in various relationships and now, having been single for two years, am unsure I will ever really find anyone again.

 

I have had 8 dates in two years and only two of them went to second dates (and those two were pretty lack-luster).

 

I am still very uncomfortable living alone and am so lonely that I *know* it projects desperation. I just sort of have this feeling that it will take me YEARS of getting more comfortable by myself before I can meet someone.

 

Carrie, I am actually pretty good at living alone although it took me a while to learn it. I dreaded it when I was younger, now it's fine most of the time. I do however really miss someone special in my life, and it's getting harder over the last year. Also because I have been very in love with a MM. Not the ideal situation (I did not know he was married at first) but I think it strongly awoke the realisation that I feel better when I am in a relationship.

[Ronni_W]

When I meet a new man, I am friendly but I don't take out my sexy card. I can be very playful and seducive if I want, but I need to know someone better ... Why be seductive if you don't even know a guy?

I think it can sometimes be difficult to find a nice balance between staying open and approachable versus coming across like a sex siren/vamp ("not that there's anything wrong with that" ) because if we try too hard to "turn off" our natural sensuality/sex appeal...we can come across as cold, aloof, shut-down, etc.

 

I don't know. To me, there's a kind of 'normal sexy', which feels - and looks - quite different from when I'm hoping to be 'seductive sexy'. I'm not even sure...oh... maybe it's that when I try 'seductive sexy', I have a goal of getting a specific guy's more meaningful attention (and, with luck, his phone number!)

 

What the hell am I trying to say? Maybe it's about defining for yourself your own differences between 'normal sexy' for every-day/casual meet-ups, and 'seductive sexy' for once you've gotten to know the guy better?

 

Wishing you the best.

[breakupsucks]

Carrie, I am actually pretty good at living alone although it took me a while to learn it. I dreaded it when I was younger, now it's fine most of the time. I do however really miss someone special in my life, and it's getting harder over the last year. Also because I have been very in love with a MM. Not the ideal situation (I did not know he was married at first) but I think it strongly awoke the realisation that I feel better when I am in a relationship.

 

You can be alone but not lonely.

It's just a matter of choice of being happy with what you have in your life right now. If you find it getting harder looking for someone special in your life, you'll get more stressed out and this will reflect in your personality and aura.

 

Live your life and who knows love will find you when you least expect it.

 

“May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.”-Anonymous

[Gold Pile]

We all yearn for situations we don't have, usually unrealistically perfect situations.

You are fortunate that after 40 years you KNOW you can handle things the way they are right now.

 

I still yearn for Goldie Hawn, but I've been fine all these years without her. I know I'll be OK without her. But it's still ok to dream that one day she'll tell her bodyguards to let GP in this time.

 

PS: your chances of finding what you seek are much better than my haviing a shot with Goldie H.

[WalkInThePark]

We all yearn for situations we don't have, usually unrealistically perfect situations.

You are fortunate that after 40 years you KNOW you can handle things the way they are right now.

 

I still yearn for Goldie Hawn, but I've been fine all these years without her. I know I'll be OK without her. But it's still ok to dream that one day she'll tell her bodyguards to let GP in this time.

 

PS: your chances of finding what you seek are much better than my haviing a shot with Goldie H.

 

What is your point? I don't see it. Why would wanting to be with Goldie Hawn, something which is a perfect illusion be delusional as wanting to have a partner when your are in your forties?

 

Handling things the way they are right now? Hardly. I feel very lonely. There are things I love but which I don't do anymore because too much to do them on my own, like travelling, going to fancy restaurants. I used to force myself to do these things even if I had no company but lately it makes me feel miserable.

Problem is also that I have had a lonely life. Impossible to solve that. I left my dysfunctional family when I was very young and consequently suffered from a depression when I was 23. So my start in life was very difficult. I have the feeling that this has affected the way my life has gone afterwards.

 

I survive but I don't live for the moment. And I'm looking for a way to change that, even if there is no partner.

[melodymatters]

We all yearn for situations we don't have, usually unrealistically perfect situations.

You are fortunate that after 40 years you KNOW you can handle things the way they are right now.

 

I still yearn for Goldie Hawn, but I've been fine all these years without her. I know I'll be OK without her. But it's still ok to dream that one day she'll tell her bodyguards to let GP in this time.

 

PS: your chances of finding what you seek are much better than my haviing a shot with Goldie H.

 

 

Here I am darling, too bad you are clinically insane !

 

Walk, the main thing you have to do is be open. Talk to people in check out lines, go to galleries, or book stores, or farmers markets and smile and engage in idle chit chat

 

I met my husband when I was in my 40's just walking down the street !

 

I think people project openess or they don't. Since my husband died, I KNOW I don't at this time, by choice, but before that, it seems I got chatted up everywhere I went.

 

Smile and make eye contact. Discuss the weather or the price of tomatoes with the stranger next to you !

[OpenBook]

WITP, I'm almost 50 and I know EXACTLY what you mean. The thing is, you're idealizing being in a relationship. It really is NOT all that it's cracked up to be... especially after the 4th year. Most couples settle into a friendship/roommate sort of thing at that point, or head toward a breakup. Romantic love does NOT last. I'm beginning to think it isn't meant to.

 

Your life is meaningful and significant regardless of your relationship status. (It has NOTHING to do with it!) Your job is to find out what makes it meaningful (why you are here; what you're supposed to be doing), then go about pursuing that - whatever it is. DO WHAT YOU LOVE, and the rest will fall into place. Best advice I've ever gotten. It also makes you VERY attractive to the opposite sex... when you are so passionately pursuing what you love that you don't even notice them. Drives 'em nuts.

[WalkInThePark]

Walk, the main thing you have to do is be open. Talk to people in check out lines, go to galleries, or book stores, or farmers markets and smile and engage in idle chit chat

 

I can't come out of the door or someone asks me for directions or for information so I guess I look approachable. However it is a big step from chit chat with everyone to finding someone who wants to do the effort to really get to know you. Nothing is more frustrating than having a life full of chit chat. I've got plenty of chit chat, I work for a big organization and have many colleagues. I am helpful and kind, so in general well appreciated. But it does not mean that you are less lonely when you come home.

[WalkInThePark]

WITP, I'm almost 50 and I know EXACTLY what you mean. The thing is, you're idealizing being in a relationship. It really is NOT all that it's cracked up to be... especially after the 4th year. Most couples settle into a friendship/roommate sort of thing at that point, or head toward a breakup. Romantic love does NOT last. I'm beginning to think it isn't meant to.

 

I was never married so I am still idealistic. I think it all boils down to checking beforehand if you are a good match with someone and both are willing to do the effort to have a great relationship. I don't want to be with someone just not to be alone. I wouldn't want my partner to be with me for that reason either.

 

DO WHAT YOU LOVE, and the rest will fall into place. Best advice I've ever gotten. It also makes you VERY attractive to the opposite sex... when you are so passionately pursuing what you love that you don't even notice them. Drives 'em nuts.

 

I have many things I love and that I am interested in. So far, I haven't had the impression that that has attracted a lot of guys. As I said in my opening post, I am not shy or introvert. However I am reserved with people I don't know. I need time to get to know someone and to let someone get to know me. Not a lot of people make that time.

[cuppa]

I don't know what to say, I remembered reading about settling for Mr. good enough instead of Mr. Right.

 

To answer your question, there is really no answer whether you will give up or keep hoping right? You will continue to look your best, you will continue to maintain active social life, and you will not shut the door if the right one comes along.

 

Maybe change in scenery? why not? Is there a way for you to transfer your job from France to this side of the world? LA, San Francisco, Chicago, New York, I mean, maybe a change of scenery will be good?

 

Even for myself, sometimes I dream to travel or start over in a new place. I started testing the water of what the dating world might be, to be frank, I'm not looking forward to it.

[goatee]

i read your post and couldn't figure out what you wanted in a man or a relationship. Do you know? Maybe if you did and you met someone that seemed to have what you wanted you could pursue that lead instead of waiting for mr right to magically know everything you like.

 

or maybe you don't really want anything...

[WalkInThePark]

i read your post and couldn't figure out what you wanted in a man or a relationship. Do you know? Maybe if you did and you met someone that seemed to have what you wanted you could pursue that lead instead of waiting for mr right to magically know everything you like.

 

or maybe you don't really want anything...

 

Yes I do know what I want in a man. I find it very important that it is a man who is able to have an equal relationship with a woman. I want someone who is my best friend. Someone intelligent (higher education but also street wise), generous, attentive. Someone who likes music. Someone who takes good care of himself, does a bit of sport without being a freak. Someone who has a healthy lifestyle.

Someone who is honest and takes responsibility for his acts, someone who is stable.

When it comes to looks, I don't care if he is only as tall as me (I am 1,70 m but slim so I look tall) but I would feel uncomfortable with someone who is a lot smaller than myself. Colour of hair or eyes, a lot of hair or bald, I don't care. BUT he should not be overweight because I find that very unattractive.

 

I need to have the right feeling with someone, I want to feel comfortable with him. Very difficult to find. Can't help it but it often seems like the available guys of my age seem to have so many issues (don't know what they want, drink too much, have an unhealthy lifestyle, are commitment phobics, have some sexual issues,...)

[Template]

Yes I do know what I want in a man. I find it very important that it is a man who is able to have an equal relationship with a woman. I want someone who is my best friend. Someone intelligent (higher education but also street wise), generous, attentive. Someone who likes music. Someone who takes good care of himself, does a bit of sport without being a freak. Someone who has a healthy lifestyle.

Someone who is honest and takes responsibility for his acts, someone who is stable.

When it comes to looks, I don't care if he is only as tall as me (I am 1,70 m but slim so I look tall) but I would feel uncomfortable with someone who is a lot smaller than myself. Colour of hair or eyes, a lot of hair or bald, I don't care. BUT he should not be overweight because I find that very unattractive.

 

I need to have the right feeling with someone, I want to feel comfortable with him. Very difficult to find. Can't help it but it often seems like the available guys of my age seem to have so many issues (don't know what they want, drink too much, have an unhealthy lifestyle, are commitment phobics, have some sexual issues,...)

 

No offense, but I'll be honest in that you generically described what every female in various dating sites, and women in the world generally want. There are TONS of guys out there with the description that you are looking for. If you haven't met a lot already, then you are either really in the wrong place, or you are choosing to disregard these guys for one reason or another. So take a deep breath, and really think about what you really want in a guy, and be honest with yourself. What is a definite showstopper for you. I'm sure at 40, you've met and dealt with a lot of guys, so think back, what was it about them that attracted you. What is it that turned you away?

[WalkInThePark]

No offense, but I'll be honest in that you generically described what every female in various dating sites, and women in the world generally want. There are TONS of guys out there with the description that you are looking for. If you haven't met a lot already, then you are either really in the wrong place, or you are choosing to disregard these guys for one reason or another. So take a deep breath, and really think about what you really want in a guy, and be honest with yourself. What is a definite showstopper for you. I'm sure at 40, you've met and dealt with a lot of guys, so think back, what was it about them that attracted you. What is it that turned you away?

 

Where are these TONS of guys?

 

The last 10 years the only guys I met were guys at work (either married or gay) or on a datingsite. Guys from datingsites: rarely someone interesting and nice.

 

What turned me away from the guys I have known in the past? The question is rather: what turned them away from me? I have never had the feeling that I had so much choice that I could just pick someone. I rarely feel attracted enough to someone to look for more. In a relationship, I look for honest communication. I don't want to play games. I want someone who is genuinely nice and attentive to me. I don't like the stereotypical roles with the guy as the strong provider and a submissive helpless girl.

 

I think that my 2 handicaps are that my social life is limited (I would like to change that but my job is very demanding for the moment) and that I don't play the typical mating games.

[Template]

I don't know where you are from, so maybe socially there isn't a ton of guys. They are out there however. However, I was just being honest, and isn't that what you are looking for? Instead of opening up the possibility that there may be some truth to what I was saying, you just questioned it. That does say quite a bit on how you conduct your search, and the validation of what you are looking for in a guy.

 

You sound like a fiercely independent woman and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, if you look at it from a guys point of view - if you portray the whole "I don't NEED a man, in my life.", that's what a guy is going to take from it. Sure you don't want the traditional gender roles, but by instinct we all still abide by it. A man's need to provide is up their in the hierarchy of needs, and if you deny him that, then he'll just find someone that does need him. And this doesn't necessarily mean provide financial support, it could also mean spiritual, emotional support. There's this thing called the pickle jar effect - which basically say even if a woman can open her own pickle jar, it goes a much longer way if you let the man do it.

[WalkInThePark]

You sound like a fiercely independent woman and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, if you look at it from a guys point of view - if you portray the whole "I don't NEED a man, in my life.", that's what a guy is going to take from it. Sure you don't want the traditional gender roles, but by instinct we all still abide by it. A man's need to provide is up their in the hierarchy of needs, and if you deny him that, then he'll just find someone that does need him. And this doesn't necessarily mean provide financial support, it could also mean spiritual, emotional support. There's this thing called the pickle jar effect - which basically say even if a woman can open her own pickle jar, it goes a much longer way if you let the man do it.

 

I certainly do not wear on my forehead "I don't need a man." In practice I am independent, not by choice but by necessity. I have to earn my own money because noone else will do it for me.

With some men from datingsites, I had the unpleasant surprise that my job was a problem. I am not a hyperambitious careerwoman but I have a good job in the public sector, in an area of which everyone knows that you earn very well there. Now if someone asks me what I do for a living, I don't want to lie but I got really jealous reactions. Is it better to be a golddigger then?

 

Traditional gender roles don't work for me. My experience is that a guy who wants at all costs to open the pickle jar will also try to invade my mind and tell me what I should think and like.

[Template]

So just by this conversation we got this much...

- you don't want a guy to be jealous of your profession (ie. you want a guy who can accept a mate in a higher position)

- you don't want a guy who's going to be controlling of you (ie. you want a guy who accepts you and the things you do for who you are.)

 

 

Do you see now how this is much different from I want a guy who's honest, smart, generous, attractive, takes care of himself, etc. <- THIS is what basically every woman, (and man, if you reverse it), wants. What I listed above is what walkinthepark wants. This is what I mean by when I said, "So take a deep breath, and really think about what you really want in a guy, and be honest with yourself."

 

What I find funny is my last ex was just as much or more so as independent as you. She wouldn't allow me to open the pickle jar either, and that was fine with me, but then she'd complain openly on how her sister's husband would lift a finger to open a pickle jar, and often refer ,"what kind of man is that?"

[melodymatters]

Ok, having read these last couple of posts. Are you open to say a carpenter who owns his own business but only has a HS education ?

 

My last two LTR's, I was college educated and they weren't, and I made more money, but emotionally they were great fits for me !

 

Would that work for you ? If not perhaps your laundry list of " wants" is getting in the way of finding someone who meets your emotional " needs".

[Template]

 

What I find funny is my last ex was just as much or more so as independent as you. She wouldn't allow me to open the pickle jar either, and that was fine with me, but then she'd complain openly on how her sister's husband would lift a finger to open a pickle jar, and often refer ,"what kind of man is that?"

 

Sorry, i meant to say WOULDN'T lift a finger... my bad...

[WalkInThePark]

So just by this conversation we got this much...

- you don't want a guy to be jealous of your profession (ie. you want a guy who can accept a mate in a higher position)

- you don't want a guy who's going to be controlling of you (ie. you want a guy who accepts you and the things you do for who you are.)

 

 

Do you see now how this is much different from I want a guy who's honest, smart, generous, attractive, takes care of himself, etc. <- THIS is what basically every woman, (and man, if you reverse it), wants. What I listed above is what walkinthepark wants. This is what I mean by when I said, "So take a deep breath, and really think about what you really want in a guy, and be honest with yourself."

 

 

Template, first of all I want to thank you to post your contributions here but I think they are not very constructive. You are too focused on challenging me. This topic is not about what I want in a man and what I am doing wrong/right to find one. I have put sufficient time and energy in thinking about that. I am a smart woman and not stubborn so if something does not work out the way I want it to work out, I try a different approach. I don't need you or anyone else to lecture me.

 

Secondly, I don't see how a man who is not jealous of my profession and who is not controlling would not be an honest, smart, generous, attractive man who takes care of himself. I would think such a person is very smart and generous...

 

My topic is about the following dilemma: how do you keep hoping for something that might never come and how do you give up on something which might eventually happen.

 

What I find funny is my last ex was just as much or more so as independent as you. She wouldn't allow me to open the pickle jar either, and that was fine with me, but then she'd complain openly on how her sister's husband would lift a finger to open a pickle jar, and often refer ,"what kind of man is that?"

 

Template, I am not your ex so do not prolong whatever discussion you might have had her with me. Your ex maybe saw how her sister needed a man who would open the pickle jar and felt indignant that her sister's husband was not supportive in that way.

[Template]

You know what?!? Actually, I had this long rant, but I decided to take the high road and deleted it.

 

You want an answer to this question "My topic is about the following dilemma: how do you keep hoping for something that might never come and how do you give up on something which might eventually happen. ", it's all within you to make it happen. There's no one here that can answer that for you.

Edited April 21, 2010 by Template
not worth the response