iwanttolive Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 I'm engaged to the most wonderful man in this world. But I'm about to destroy this beautiful blessing. I'm lured by the ecstasy of an EA with a co-worker. I know I have a distorted image of the OM. If I go into a steady relationship with him, i'd discover that he's just an ordinary human being. But I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT ARGH!! I am incapable of being intimate with my fiance right now. I know some of you might want to tell me off "leave the poor guy. He deserves better than this". Do I have to suffer the pain before I would admit that the whole EA is a big stupid mistake? How do I straighted my thoughts? Pls guys I really need your advice.
U2RockZz Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 choose one and stick to it...do not drag/waste anybody's time....
troggleputty Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 I'm engaged to the most wonderful man in this world. No. You are engaged to a real live human being. Not some fantasy of perfection. He has his good points and he has his flaws. If there are things about your fiancee that you find unsatisfactory, the mature thing to do is to address those issues, directly, with him, and within the context of your relationship with him. If they are things which are impossible to resolve (such as things that cannot be change, i.e., how tall he is; his ethnicity; and so on) then you have to face up to that fact and then decide whether you will accept him "as is" or whether you need to move on to be happy. But I'm about to destroy this beautiful blessing. ...so obviously your fiancee is not "perfect." There must be issues which are bothering you. The healthy thing to do is to address those issues honestly and directly, not passive-aggressively destroy the relationship by having an affair. If the relationship is to go forward, the issues must be resolved. If the relationship is to end, then it is far better for both you and your fiancee, to do so on an honest basis. I'm lured by the ecstasy of an EA with a co-worker. I know I have a distorted image of the OM. If I go into a steady relationship with him, i'd discover that he's just an ordinary human being. This has nothing to do with your OM. If it wasn't this guy you would find someone else. This guy is simply convenient because he's a co-worker. The affair is about you. But I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT ARGH!! I am incapable of being intimate with my fiance right now. So as I suspected, there is trouble in paradise. It sounds as if you don't really love your fiancee. You don't want to admit that you made a mistake in getting engaged so you are tying yourself up in knots to indirectly destroy your relationship so you won't have to get married. You'll have your affair, leave little clues around, your fiancee will get suspicious, will accuse you of cheating, you will deny, then you will justify breaking the engagement because he's too controlling and paranoid. Nice. I know some of you might want to tell me off "leave the poor guy. He deserves better than this". Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. That's not the point. The point is why you would want to stay engaged to someone that you're obviously not in love with and whom you obviously don't love. (You said he was "wonderful," but you didn't say you love him.) Do I have to suffer the pain before I would admit that the whole EA is a big stupid mistake? How do I straighted my thoughts? Pls guys I really need your advice. No. What you have to do is figure out what you want. If you really loved your fiancee and really wanted to get married to him and have a life with him, you wouldn't have gotten involved in an affair in the first place. You also have to figure out what kind of person you want to be. Honest or dishonest? Fair or unfair? A cheater, or a person with integrity? Not how the world perceives, but how you behave when you think no one's looking. What are you? A good woman, or a lowly skank? It's your choice. I hope you make the right one.
Disintegration Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Are you incapable of being intimate with your fiance because the OM is on your mind or some other reason? Why would you risk hurting, betraying the most wonderful man whom you are with? If it is such a blessing why are you willing to lose it all with him? I think you may just be infatuated with your co-worker. Think about it, is it really worth it? Talk to your fiance about how you are feeling, maybe he can help get you back on track instead of lusting after another man.
bananalaffytaffy Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Start with cutting off contact with the OM. Try to figure out what the OM is giving you that your fiance is not. Work on improving that with your finace. If you can not, you owe it to your fiance to let him know that. Think how your would want to be treated if you were in your fiance's shoes. ~BLT
lostsunsets Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Don't worry, your fiance WILL pick up on your distance. You can't love someone and not be able to tell. So It won't be to much longer b4 you will be found out, and then your decision will be made for you. That is of course unless you come right out with it with your fiance. There is definitely a shortage of wonderful guys out there. So don't drag your feet to much. Let some other girl have a chance with him. Who knows he may find miss wonderful. I guess we can pretty much rule you out of that group.
hoping2heal Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 I'm engaged to the most wonderful man in this world. But I'm about to destroy this beautiful blessing. I'm lured by the ecstasy of an EA with a co-worker. I know I have a distorted image of the OM. If I go into a steady relationship with him, i'd discover that he's just an ordinary human being. But I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT ARGH!! I am incapable of being intimate with my fiance right now. I know some of you might want to tell me off "leave the poor guy. He deserves better than this". Do I have to suffer the pain before I would admit that the whole EA is a big stupid mistake? How do I straighted my thoughts? Pls guys I really need your advice. I think you need to be honest with your fiance. He deserves to know what he is getting into. Secondly, I don't think people get into emotional affairs when they are completely and totally satisfied by the relationship they already have. Not that it is an excuse for having affairs of any kind. I'm not meaning this to insult you; but the fact that you are turning to an EA with someone as a way to get your needs met instead of working that out to get your needs met via your partner tells me that you may not be very mature yet with relationships. How many relationships have you had prior to your fiance? You may be very young yet or just not had a lot of experience. Either the relationship you are in is not meeting your needs OR it's also very possible you are sabotaging yourself out of fear. You need to figure out which it is and address the issue and again, your fiance needs to know this is going on too.
You Go Girl Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Maybe you're not ready to get married. Have you considered that possibility? Otherwise, why don't you try to imagine the OM farting really loud and stinky, picking his nose, jerking off to nasty porn, fantasizing about somebody else (and maybe he is!) who isn't you while you are all wrapped up emotionally in thinking about him, imagine him walking next to you and staring at another woman, imagine overhearing some conversation in which he says something about you that is less than flattering...I could go on and on with the ways to bring this guy off the pedestal you've put him on.
Passion4Life Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 I'm engaged to the most wonderful man in this world. But I'm about to destroy this beautiful blessing. I'm lured by the ecstasy of an EA with a co-worker. I know I have a distorted image of the OM. If I go into a steady relationship with him, i'd discover that he's just an ordinary human being. But I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT ARGH!! I am incapable of being intimate with my fiance right now. I know some of you might want to tell me off "leave the poor guy. He deserves better than this". Do I have to suffer the pain before I would admit that the whole EA is a big stupid mistake? How do I straighted my thoughts? Pls guys I really need your advice. I dont think u will suffer the pain if you choose OM it is your fiancee who will certainly suffer , but eventually he will not be with a partner who is fantasizing about OM .
Dexter Morgan Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 (edited) I'm engaged to the most wonderful man in this world. But I'm about to destroy this beautiful blessing. I'm lured by the ecstasy of an EA with a co-worker. then break off the engagement. If you are lured this easy and the relationship is hasn't even hit the honeymoon yet, then marriage isn't for you....and he deserves better. I know I have a distorted image of the OM. If I go into a steady relationship with him, i'd discover that he's just an ordinary human being. But I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT ARGH!! I am incapable of being intimate with my fiance right now. I know some of you might want to tell me off "leave the poor guy. He deserves better than this". Do I have to suffer the pain before I would admit that the whole EA is a big stupid mistake? How do I straighted my thoughts? Pls guys I really need your advice. there is nothing we can tell you...you are an untrustworthy person. its a part of you, you like the excitement of going behind your fiance's back. face it, you simply aren't cut out for marriage. best advice is to not tie this poor unsuspecting guy down. but here is something for you.....you really want to straighten yourself out?.....tell your fiance that you want this other man. Until you face losing your fiance, you just won't get it....and even then it won't guarantee you don't betray him in the future when the 7 year itch hits you.....and it will with someone like you. Edited April 15, 2010 by Dexter Morgan
AttillatheHun Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 there is nothing we can tell you...you are an untrustworthy person. its a part of you, you like the excitement of going behind your fiance's back. face it, you simply aren't cut out for marriage. best advice is to not tie this poor unsuspecting guy down. but here is something for you.....you really want to straighten yourself out?.....tell your fiance that you want this other man. Until you face losing your fiance, you just won't get it....and even then it won't guarantee you don't betray him in the future when the 7 year itch hits you.....and it will with someone like you. 'It's a part of you, you like the excitement of going behind your finance's back' Wow, could you be more judgmental? Things aren't as simple and clear cut as the things you say, Dexter. You must be fantastic and near-perfect, assuming that you sound like kind of person who doesn't suffer from devious or potentially harmful thoughts from time to time. Humans are savage by nature. We all lose sight, and when we get caught up in a whirlwind of emotions the distinction between right and wrong becomes blurred. The best (and right) thing to do, is to seek advice before acting. And that's exactly what this person has done. It shows that she has a conscience. The only thing that matters is how she chooses to act after having recieved that advice. The worst thing that you can do, is make someone feel worse they than already are, or increase their chances of making the wrong choice by making unnecessary judgements about their character i.e. 'and it will with someone like you'. Its like saying to a drug addict in rehab that 'you're wasting your time' and that 'you'll never change'. That's not really going to encourage him/her to make the right choice, is it?
whichwayisup Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Do I have to suffer the pain before I would admit that the whole EA is a big stupid mistake? I guess so. Though you won't be the one blindsided and suffering from all the pain. It'll be your 'beautiful future husband'. Unsuspecting, undeserving of what's about to happen. Your choice, your loss at the end of the day. NOONE, I repeat NOONE is holding a gun to your head making you choose to make the BIGGEST mistake of your life, one that you'll live to regret. Your future H will NEVER look at you like he does today. How he loves you, feels about you, trusts you, just 'is' with you - ALL will be gone if you CHOOSE to cheat on him. I just hope it's worth it. And sadly, you'll have noone to blame but yourself when this blows up in your face and you lose the man who 'could' be your husband. Don't forget, it's not just 'him' you'll lose, you'll lose some friends, you'll lose your future inlaws, possibly some members of your own family will distance themselves from you because of your selfish choices. Bottomline is, if you want someone else, BREAK off your engagement and come clean with your guy. tell him the truth and let him decide what he wants to.. Who knows, maybe he has someone he's interested in and wants to fool around with too. Good luck and I really hope you toughen up, make the right choice. And, get some counseling too. I'm not judging you, but it just blows me away that you have a good man who's going to be your husband, build a life with him and you're willing to piss it ALL away........For what? Some guy at work who's made your head turn?
Dexter Morgan Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 (edited) 'It's a part of you, you like the excitement of going behind your finance's back' Wow, could you be more judgmental? I sure could;) Things aren't as simple and clear cut as the things you say, Dexter. You must be fantastic and near-perfect, assuming that you sound like kind of person who doesn't suffer from devious or potentially harmful thoughts from time to time. Nobody is perfect, but some people ARE without the sin and desire to cheat and betray other people. The worst thing that you can do, is make someone feel worse they than already are, or increase their chances of making the wrong choice by making unnecessary judgements about their character i.e. 'and it will with someone like you'. Its like saying to a drug addict in rehab that 'you're wasting your time' and that 'you'll never change'. That's not really going to encourage him/her to make the right choice, is it? if she can do this SOOOOO early in this relationship, what do you think is going to happen after her then husband is just the same-old, same-old guy and there is no excitement for her? She wants the excitement of being with someone other than her fiance. and the relationship is young. She needs to tell him, or break it off with him until she may mature. I believe some people, very little, who cheat change. But she shouldn't marry him and make him some sort of experiment as to whether she can be faithful. She should break it off until such time as she may mature and be fit for marriage. Right now she isn't fit for it whatsoever. So she asked the question of how does she straighten out her thoughts? The answer is: tell her fiance and put herself on the chopping block. For as long as she gets away with this, her EA will turn into a PA. Her fiance deserves to know what he is up against and deserves to make an informed decision before taking such a big step in his life with someone who would otherwise make that decision for him by keeping him in the dark. bottom line, if she suffers no consequences and doesn't "woman up", then she won't straighten up. Edited April 20, 2010 by Dexter Morgan
SavannahSmiles Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Start with cutting off contact with the OM. Try to figure out what the OM is giving you that your fiance is not. Work on improving that with your finace. If you can not, you owe it to your fiance to let him know that. Think how your would want to be treated if you were in your fiance's shoes. ~BLT Be careful when you figure out what the OM is giving you that your fiance is not. The fiance may not be able to give you that but he still may be worth keeping. For example if you are looking for excitement and mystery, it may be hard and even unreasonable for your fiance to fullfill that need. Find something else to intrigue you besides a man.
itmustbeme Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I'm engaged to the most wonderful man in this world. But I'm about to destroy this beautiful blessing. I'm lured by the ecstasy of an EA with a co-worker. I know I have a distorted image of the OM. If I go into a steady relationship with him, i'd discover that he's just an ordinary human being. But I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT ARGH!! I am incapable of being intimate with my fiance right now. I know some of you might want to tell me off "leave the poor guy. He deserves better than this". Do I have to suffer the pain before I would admit that the whole EA is a big stupid mistake? How do I straighted my thoughts? Pls guys I really need your advice. Gosh that was sad reading what you wrote. Not really sad for you but for your fiance. I really think you should dump your fiance and go ahead and go after your OM. Give your fiance a chance to find someone else. It will hurt him in the short run but help him in the long run. Kind of reminds me of when I was married. She a lot of time did not want to be intimate with me and to me that is a clear signal. Your fiance should be picking up on that. When I filed for D on my now XW she wanted to stay married. I told her that having a woman who withholds intimacy is now worth being with. Life is too short. In your case you are cheating on him already. Just do the right thing and let him go so you can go after what you really want the OM. Just please show some decency and treat as you said " the most wonderful man in this world" with what he deserves and that is some honesty. Best of luck to you.
Passion4Life Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I'm engaged to the most wonderful man in this world. But I'm about to destroy this beautiful blessing. I'm lured by the ecstasy of an EA with a co-worker. I know I have a distorted image of the OM. If I go into a steady relationship with him, i'd discover that he's just an ordinary human being. But I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT ARGH!! I am incapable of being intimate with my fiance right now. I know some of you might want to tell me off "leave the poor guy. He deserves better than this". Do I have to suffer the pain before I would admit that the whole EA is a big stupid mistake? How do I straighted my thoughts? Pls guys I really need your advice. Go for the person your heart wants but do it the right way . You said because of your EA you can't be intimate with your fiancee , that is unfair. Be responsible , break off with fiancee before you further continue with OM. Best of luck
2sure Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Dont get married until you are able to be in control of some major aspects of your life. This whole idea of " I can't help how I feel", "...the heart wants what it wants", etc...is just a cop put, an excuse, a justification for being confused , knowing whats right but wanting whats wrong, or doing the easy thing for you. We cant control things like the weather , cancer, and other people. The rest you can.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Gosh that was sad reading what you wrote. Not really sad for you but for your fiance. I really think you should dump your fiance and go ahead and go after your OM. Give your fiance a chance to find someone else. I completely agree. As someone whose fiance didn't have the guts to tell me before the wedding and let me marry her under false pretenses, I could have freed myself and saved myself a huge mistake.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Troggle's post below is so spot on you should be paying for this advice. Please heed these words. No. You are engaged to a real live human being. Not some fantasy of perfection. He has his good points and he has his flaws. If there are things about your fiancee that you find unsatisfactory, the mature thing to do is to address those issues, directly, with him, and within the context of your relationship with him. If they are things which are impossible to resolve (such as things that cannot be change, i.e., how tall he is; his ethnicity; and so on) then you have to face up to that fact and then decide whether you will accept him "as is" or whether you need to move on to be happy. ...so obviously your fiancee is not "perfect." There must be issues which are bothering you. The healthy thing to do is to address those issues honestly and directly, not passive-aggressively destroy the relationship by having an affair. If the relationship is to go forward, the issues must be resolved. If the relationship is to end, then it is far better for both you and your fiancee, to do so on an honest basis. This has nothing to do with your OM. If it wasn't this guy you would find someone else. This guy is simply convenient because he's a co-worker. The affair is about you. So as I suspected, there is trouble in paradise. It sounds as if you don't really love your fiancee. You don't want to admit that you made a mistake in getting engaged so you are tying yourself up in knots to indirectly destroy your relationship so you won't have to get married. You'll have your affair, leave little clues around, your fiancee will get suspicious, will accuse you of cheating, you will deny, then you will justify breaking the engagement because he's too controlling and paranoid. Nice. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. That's not the point. The point is why you would want to stay engaged to someone that you're obviously not in love with and whom you obviously don't love. (You said he was "wonderful," but you didn't say you love him.) No. What you have to do is figure out what you want. If you really loved your fiancee and really wanted to get married to him and have a life with him, you wouldn't have gotten involved in an affair in the first place. You also have to figure out what kind of person you want to be. Honest or dishonest? Fair or unfair? A cheater, or a person with integrity? Not how the world perceives, but how you behave when you think no one's looking. What are you? A good woman, or a lowly skank? It's your choice. I hope you make the right one.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Your choice is simple, but making it won't be easy. Recognize, however, that you've already 'destroyed this beautiful blessing' because you are already having an affair with said co-worker. It may not be physical yet, but all the other hallmarks are firmly in place - the lying by omission, the secret second life. Don't get married while you're in this confused state and while you have so little difficulty keeping secrets from someone you're promising 2 be faithful 2 for the rest of your life. -ol' 2long I couldn't agree more.
mryzenga Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Start with cutting off contact with the OM. Try to figure out what the OM is giving you that your fiance is not. Work on improving that with your finace. If you can not, you owe it to your fiance to let him know that. Think how your would want to be treated if you were in your fiance's shoes. ~BLT I concur. You best figure it out and be honest before you hurt him by cheating.
jnj express Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 You are deluding yourself-----Your EA is nothing but fantasy----your ecstacy is not real-----YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING BUT TALK. Tell me ONE real thing you have done with your EA partner. You don't pay bills with him, you don't make decisions with him, you don't deal with family members with him, you don't have emergencies with him. Deal with this yourself It's time to grow up and leave Disneyland. You are a big girl now. Instead of visualizing your dreamlife with EA partner, visualize how he would handle real life events, and problems. That in itself should help kick you out of your fog. Maybe this EA is telling you, you shouldn't be with your fiance, and you should then be truthful and leave him, so he doesn't get hurt. But by the same token, I am willing to bet EA partner is not right for you. Plus one other thing you need to know about EA partner, but you already know, that he is scum----He knows you are about to be married, yet he willingly participates in actions that would wreck your future mge., and ruin the life of a perfectly innocent person--YOUR FIANCE--
ricardotorero Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 As someone who was in the exact same position as your fiance, can I suggest that you have clear choice. 1. Tell your fiance of your growing affair. He will be extreemly hurt, but he will have some respect for you and some belief in your decision to get married. The act of telling him will also destroy the fantasy land you are in at present - it will be the biggest reality check you have ever had. 2. Do not tell him. If you do this then you are choosing to allow the affair to continue with all the consequences, both short term (you are likely to have physical affair) and long term (even if you do get married the legacy for either or both of I can guarantee will remain). I really hope that you do not put yourself and him through years of crap Ricardo
Dexter Morgan Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 and what was the OP thinking when she chose the username "iwanttolive"?? its kind of telling. She wants to be engaged, but wants to go mess around...wants to live it up? so I take it that getting married will kill her chance to live it up, hence the choice in the username.
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