jennie-jennie Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 Thats why i told her to becarefull!!! Because how he's lied/exaggerated/omitted stuff in the past. I just figured if what he's saying is the case why would he want her to back off. Yes, space is good but you never know with this guy. I'm just going by what she's gone thru in the past. I was under the impression that IMTK's MM had waffled, not lied/exaggerated/omitted stuff.
White Flower Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 (edited) WF, your thoughts are dead-on with mine. i actually spoke to MM last night. He truly is not asking to break it off or "work on his marriage" this time as he has so many times in the past. He very firmly but very kindly asked me to just let him breathe a bit. when i asked if he wants me to disappear and wait to hear from him, he said, "no not really like that... I just can't have 8 voice mails a day and a lot of texting. I need to work this out for myself. its hard for me, too. I miss you, I hate not talking to you..." When I gently questioned what it is he is acutally doing to work this out (I didn't want to hear just fluff!), he said he is working with his IC very intensely on how to move forward. when I asked if this meant his IC was trying to help him regain his love and desire to be with his wife, MM said that his IC is past trying to do that now. MM said, "He (the IC) is well aware that you are the woman I love and not her. He did in the past try to help me find love for her again, but I can't do it. So now we are working the kids. He told me not to "divorce my kids" and we're talking about them more than anything. I just want to be whole for you baby. I need to understand why I've been waffling so much and I need to be strong for you and the kids. I'm ready to move on. You're the woman I love..." Our MM are in the very same position and seem to have the same intentions. Only difference is mine is still living with W during IC which means he is constantly distracted from doing homework, etc. That is why I VERY much respect what your guy is doing including the low contact right now. Sounds like he is really trying this time. Wish me luck I do wish you luck. Sounds like you need it less than I do. Edited April 16, 2010 by White Flower
merlin2 Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 OP, It's very clear you are in the position of most other women in an affair(most married women have affairs for love, married men, for a quick fix). What do you need to make you smell the coffee???? He and his wife parted and he still didn't come to YOU! You were a diversion from his unhappiness, and never a potential long-time partner.You will be sitting pining for him a year from now when he meets a woman he thinks of as a (partner/fiance/wife). You need to realise the difference, and then you might not be so quick to get involved with a married man.I see it as a personal insult if a married man tries it on with me.They are looking for a 'plaything'.Plenty of single guys out there-hope you get out of this mess soon and get some self-esteem-because all he's telling you is you're a good lay/ego boost and not someone he would settle down with.Men with huge egos will lower their standards to get a mistress, the mistress is just a secret, hence they dont have to introduce her to anyone, get free sex,etc and can live their happy life getting one up on their wife who is too busy bringing up the kids to give the sleazeball all the kiddy attention he needs:)
White Flower Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 OP, It's very clear you are in the position of most other women in an affair(most married women have affairs for love, married men, for a quick fix). What do you need to make you smell the coffee???? He and his wife parted and he still didn't come to YOU! You were a diversion from his unhappiness, and never a potential long-time partner.You will be sitting pining for him a year from now when he meets a woman he thinks of as a (partner/fiance/wife). You need to realise the difference, and then you might not be so quick to get involved with a married man.I see it as a personal insult if a married man tries it on with me.They are looking for a 'plaything'.Plenty of single guys out there-hope you get out of this mess soon and get some self-esteem-because all he's telling you is you're a good lay/ego boost and not someone he would settle down with.Men with huge egos will lower their standards to get a mistress, the mistress is just a secret, hence they dont have to introduce her to anyone, get free sex,etc and can live their happy life getting one up on their wife who is too busy bringing up the kids to give the sleazeball all the kiddy attention he needs:) Wow, analyze much? Life is so easy when we can generalize and stereotype people. Seeing that THIS MM is actually in IC for being wishy-washy demonstrates just how serious he is now taking himself and the people in his life. It takes courage, for men especially, to face their fears. You shouldn't be so quick to denigrate anyone in this story. They're all making their best effort in the matter. If he is going to choose 'a potential lifetime partner', he NEEDS to do the work to heal himself so he can be whole for her, whoever that is, and it sounds like it is for IMTK. As for the first bolded statement, how would you know? How can you speak for OW? Have you been one? Were YOU looking for a quick fix? By the sounds of it, you've never been one because if you had been you wouldn't have made stereotypical statements like that.
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 I was under the impression that IMTK's MM had waffled, not lied/exaggerated/omitted stuff. You are correct, Jennie. The man is no saint, but one thing he has been with me is brutally honest, even when it killed me. Many times I have done a little research to see if he had been honest, and he always had been. Its the waffling that is the problem. When he tells me he has to work out with himself why he has waffled so much, I'm not sure what to take from that. Is he trying to find a way to love her again (which he says he cannot do), or is he truly looking inside himself for answers as to why? I'm just so scared
jennie-jennie Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 You are correct, Jennie. The man is no saint, but one thing he has been with me is brutally honest, even when it killed me. Many times I have done a little research to see if he had been honest, and he always had been. Its the waffling that is the problem. When he tells me he has to work out with himself why he has waffled so much, I'm not sure what to take from that. Is he trying to find a way to love her again (which he says he cannot do), or is he truly looking inside himself for answers as to why? I'm just so scared After NC my MM has never again mentioned "work on the marriage" or that he loves his wife. He is still struggling with what to do however. He is "truly looking inside himself for answers", just like you said. I wish my MM would see an IC. I am not sure he will be able to solve this on his own. IMTK, I think you (and I) will just have to, as they say in AA and Al-Anon, "Let go and let God". We can't decide the outcome. The best we can do is trust that whatever will be will be for the best. Your MM is in IC, trust that he is doing his best to find a way to move forward.
jj33 Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 IMTK NC doesnt stop change your feelings. It stops the triggers (the daily contact etc) but it doesnt stop you from being in love or "waiting" in your mind even if you were going out with other people. Are you asking should you be doing NC? or are you asking should you give up on the idea that this man wants a future with you? NC seems to be the right thing for you - he needs space to figure out where he is in his life and how he is going to make his next relationship more successful so that he doesnt jump from frying pan to frying pan. Whatever the issues with his W, his behavior was a contributor in one way or another. Ane he is wise to be doing NC now. So where does that leave you? Its up to you. You can be waiting and wondering or getting on with your life as a single person having faith as Jen said that what will be will be. You could much to your surprise meet a great new single guy next week, or you could find that in 4 months you are still single he comes to you and says he has figured it out and he wants a future with you. Or not. Ive struggled with the same thing in my mind - do I ignore the overtures he makes because its been over for so long and he is still married or do I give him encouragement. I decided in favor of ignoring his actions but my situaton is much different than yours. I still maintain however that if he ever actually left and wanted a future with me, he knows where to find me and despite the fact that I have told him to f off more times than I can count, if he wanted a real future with me, that would not stop him.
2sunny Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 You are correct, Jennie. The man is no saint, but one thing he has been with me is brutally honest, even when it killed me. Many times I have done a little research to see if he had been honest, and he always had been. Its the waffling that is the problem. When he tells me he has to work out with himself why he has waffled so much, I'm not sure what to take from that. Is he trying to find a way to love her again (which he says he cannot do), or is he truly looking inside himself for answers as to why? I'm just so scared sounds like he's unsure of what he wants right now - so he just continues on trying to have both choices until he decides - or someone decides for him. that will most likely be either you or his wife... since he wants both he'll never make a decision.
PhillySpecial Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 It sounds like OP is trying to use NC as a method to regain control of the relationship and her hope is that the MM will come running back to her once she stops comminucating with him. He's already told her he wants time to figure things out, and this is killing her so she wants to turn the tables. This is simply another game/tactic. NC is not about that, it's about moving on and healing yourself. When you've had enough allowing him to run your life and you decide to finally take back control of your life and really move on. Don't even bother with trying NC if you're not sincere. Obviously you're not done with MM and ready to move on with your life, so why play these games? By having NC you're asking if you will realize that you want to be with him, but you already know you want to be with him. As you say you're weak for him, so your position is clear. If all you want to do is make him come running to you, I suggest you stop playing these games and be an adult about things. If he wants space its his right to have it, stop trying to manipulate him into running back to you. If you took this course of action he may very well come running back to you initially, but eventually his wishy washy behavior would resurface and you'd be back to square one yet again. I initiated NC with my exMM 5 years ago and yes he did try to come running back... But I wasn't having any of that. My life since then has been very rich and blessed since ridding myself of MM and all his problems and confusion.
bittersweet memories Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 It sounds like OP is trying to use NC as a method to regain control of the relationship and her hope is that the MM will come running back to her once she stops comminucating with him. He's already told her he wants time to figure things out, and this is killing her so she wants to turn the tables. This is simply another game/tactic. NC is not about that, it's about moving on and healing yourself. When you've had enough allowing him to run your life and you decide to finally take back control of your life and really move on. Don't even bother with trying NC if you're not sincere. Obviously you're not done with MM and ready to move on with your life, so why play these games? By having NC you're asking if you will realize that you want to be with him, but you already know you want to be with him. As you say you're weak for him, so your position is clear. If all you want to do is make him come running to you, I suggest you stop playing these games and be an adult about things. If he wants space its his right to have it, stop trying to manipulate him into running back to you. If you took this course of action he may very well come running back to you initially, but eventually his wishy washy behavior would resurface and you'd be back to square one yet again. I initiated NC with my exMM 5 years ago and yes he did try to come running back... But I wasn't having any of that. My life since then has been very rich and blessed since ridding myself of MM and all his problems and confusion. I agree with this post about playing games and manipulation.. I say that because you mention in this post you told your MM about this new neighbor that is a male that you've been spendig time with. I also recall a couple of months you did the same thing and told MM about a different guy that is a fireman that asked you out. Just wondering why you tell your MM this? Aren't you adding to the stress or is that the point? So he can hurry up and make a decision..
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