SoConfusledandHurt Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Hi guys! Ive been doing some thinking about sex in relationships. Why it goes away...and why women (because of all the threads here about wives losing interest in it) and Im finding myself losing interest...Wanted to share why it seems to be the case. My fiance and I split last year for a little over a month. Before the split we had lots of passion sexually and rarely skipped a few days. Once my fiance and I started talking about getting back together and decided we would, I was out of state...so we began fantasizing together and it was lots of fun. All he talked about was how hot it was going to be once I got home. How I would be naked all the time and we would constantly be getting it on. I LOVE it when he is sexy like this...and was quite turned on at the thought. So when I got home we had some totally hot sex for a couple weeks. Then I got sick, of course he is respectful...so we obstained for a few days. After that I had a bought with winter blues...(just moving to colder weather climate 5 yrs ago, I didnt know this was something I would suffer with until a couple years ago) I lost energy. I dont work outside the home, I work at home running my own business, and became very complacent. Just doing what absolutely had to be done. Taking care of the kids, cooking, and cleaning. Which in reality takes all freaking day...and I dont sit down until the end of the day. I stay up late as well because my fiance works second shift and I rarely spend much time with him during the day...so if I want to see him at all I have to stay up until after midnight. This used to be time for us to connect and talk and enjoy eachother. I started to notice that while I was gone for the month, my fiance picked up a habit of just watching tv at night, and he continued this habit. I started watching tv with him...even though thats not how I like to connect with him (there is no connection and I always pass out) but...I would sit with him and watch. We would end up just going to bed with a peck on the cheek, lips, or shoulder...and a good night. I forgot to mention that I had jokingly asked him if it was just the sex he missed, or just the sex that makes us work so well. Of course he said no, not at all. So flash forward to about 1 month ago. My depression has lifted and the weather is great. Im working out, have lost lots of weight. Looking great (hehehe) and feeling good. Im busy from 7 in the morning until about 10pm, doing things for the kids, him, me, the house, and work. Im pretty tired by the end of the night. When he comes home we are still just watching tv. I told him that this makes me more tired and I just feel like going to sleep...and even fall asleep while watching. He has mentioned that we should just play some games or listen to music in the evening and then connect sexually. But as of today we havent had sex in a week (which I know doesnt seem like long, but for us it is) I know he is tired too, even though he goes to bed when I do about 1-2 am and sleeps until atleast 10:30, but more like 11am. He gets lots more sleep than me. But he is the type of person who has to get lots of sleep. He is grumpy when he wakes up, and it takes him a long time to get fully awake. Well unless he has to go to work or something. So I let him take his time and always have. What bothers me and is killing my libido is the fact that he has changed. He used to take charge and just "take" me. I loved that. It would immediately make me feel sexy and horny for him...and I would do anything sexually for him...and love it. Usually after a sexcapade like that the next day or two I was the one coming onto him...It worked! Now he doesnt even look at me much in the evening. When we do connect sexually he will look over at me when going to bed and say "do you wanna have sex honey?" I dont like this, it feels so un passionate. But I will usually say yes when he asks me, and its good...we have fun. I told him that I miss our passion and he says he does too...and I told him part of what makes me feel sexy is when he is anamoured with me. Im a woman. Men are horny little devils for sexy women. I know this. And I always felt this way with him...now I dont. Now I feel all domesticated. Cook, Clean, take care of the kids...and who cares about sex. He doesnt seem to. But he is the one bringing sex up with me. So I know he does. But he just doesnt do anything about it. I will usually take the time before he gets home from work to dress up in some nice nighty's and some sexy makeup. He used to love this, now barely notices. Doesnt mention how hot I look anymore. This has really bothered me. But I find myself growing used to this and my libido is going away. Actually I masturbate a couple times a week...so its not completely gone...but Im just feeling kind of bored with our passion. I dont want to hurt his feelings by telling him I feel so bored with our passion...because honestly I think he has the best intentions...because he knows how busy I am all day and that Im usually pretty tired in the evening...but at the same time...my libido is going down the drains fast and I know eventually it will become a problem for us, as this was a huge strength in our relationship before. Something that connected us and energized me. My energy and zest for our passion is going away. I love him and this worries me... As you can tell this is a rambling post and I hope it makes some sense...Im sure after I think about it I will come back and make some sense of it...
xxoo Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 When he comes home we are still just watching tv. I told him that this makes me more tired and I just feel like going to sleep...and even fall asleep while watching. He has mentioned that we should just play some games or listen to music in the evening and then connect sexually. But as of today we havent had sex in a week (which I know doesnt seem like long, but for us it is) Are the kids up? Or are they asleep? Our kids go to bed, and we watch tv until they are definitely asleep. Yeah, tv can make you tired and lazy. But I wear my robe (with nothing underneath), put my legs on my H's lap, and let it part a little....and it keeps his attention! lol! For us, sex starts on the couch. Sex starts every day. It doesn't finish every day, but we tempt, grope, and play every day. What can you do to catch his attention?
Author SoConfusledandHurt Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 Oh he goes to work at 2:30pm and gets home at 11:30 at night. The kids are in bed when he gets home. Well asleep. I used to be able to dress slinky and flirt and talk with him and we would laugh and then that would lead into sex. Doesnt work so much anymore...
You Go Girl Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 OP--is he 'using' a lot of porn? I'm just wondering...if he's distracted, or getting his needs met elsewhere.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 not terrible.... But really only two things required to get it going again (xxoo, I like your attitude, we try the same)..... 1. Meet him at the door in lingerie 2. He should be able to change the woird "do you want to have sex tonight" to "I'm going to take you tonight" or something along those lines.....
giotto Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 sounds like he is bored, especially if he prefers to watch TV to having sex with you... or maybe you are "crowding" him? Seems like he feels obliged to ask you if want sex before bed, like it's a duty... get off his back for a bit and see what happens... don't initiate... it might be hard for you for a while, but maybe this will do the trick and make him hard... or you might be waiting forever, like myself...
Author SoConfusledandHurt Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 Its funny that I decide to post this today...and as Im sitting here with my son this morning...he comes walking out of the bedroom telling me he needs me bad...lol...and off we go to the bedroom to have some fun. My libido is still there. Oh giotto, I havent really said lots to him...he brings up sex more than me actually as far as saying things like "we need to get it on more often" "we need to be having some sex soon" things like that. He always tells me he will never be upset with me when it comes to not wanting to have sex, because we have shared such an excellent sex life for 4 yrs together, pretty strong. I really think Im more bored than him...when I ask him if he is bored he says absolutely not he loves hanging out with his baby. I really think he has good intentions and doesnt push for sex because he knows Im always pushing myself to stay busy...and am usually pretty beat down by the end of the night. I was just saying that by doing this...(being a "good boyfriend") not pushing for sex (by just taking it LOL) cause he thinks Im tired, is actually turning me off in a weird way by not making me feel very womanly/sexy. Im a woman who loves to be desired...I work hard to maintain a very sexy physique and attitude...so when Im tired from busting my ass all day...I kind of need him to "want" me to get me into a naughty mood, if you know what I mean!!! Also he doesnt watch porn or masturbate...so no his needs are not met anywhere else... Im just trying to give you sex starved peeps other idea's...maybe ones you havent thought of before...like maybe your wife would like it if you were just too consumed with lust to hold back and told her so in a very sexy strong and hungry way...that that might turn her on...I know it does me!
giotto Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 ah, I get it... when he gets home from work, you want him to carry you to bed immediately and make love to you wildly, instead of watching TV or being too respectful towards what he thinks you want... you want to feel desired, with ardent passion... maybe I should try that with my wife...
Author SoConfusledandHurt Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 But of course...lol... Nah...just appreciate all my effort into looking naughty for him...with a gleam in his eye...and maybe some strategic massaging LOL **** this man has it made sexually...I do ANYTHING he asks of me (and enjoy it)...anyTIME he wants...I dont force him to do anything... Anyway...I know he likes a couple drinks when he gets home, so I would allow him those...but after...yes lets get it on with blazing hotness (JUST KIDDING about allowing him his drinks I dont try to control him)... Good luck with your wife...you might be surprised!
crazycatlady Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Ohhh we fall into this trap now and then. Its such an easy trap to fall into. In fact, last night we were IM'ing (we are such geeks, and are frequantly on our laptops in different rooms, so we IM back and forth with each other) and I asked him how he was feeling because his neck has been bothering him. When he said yes I asked him if he wanted me tonight. Came back with a "YES I'm ready to take you". So we talked a little about what we wanted to do whether we wanted mild to wild or even over the top. And he came in from smoking and said he was going to play the computer game for a little while - I was watching a tv show. Next thing I know its getting late, so I go wash my face get ready to bed and lay down and read until he got there. 30 minutes later I've fallen asleep he comes to bed. He apologized for not coming to bed earlier, but its now late and so we promise we will do it tomorrow. Ah well...But then I wasn't going "lets go" at an earlier point either. But that is an easy rut to get into. When games or shows or what have you keep you up until one person is too tired to want sex, its easy to fall into that trap. We try to make a point of sex first and then tv. The bonus is we both are more awake which makes sex far more fun. CCL
bananalaffytaffy Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 It sounds to me like it's time for you to take charge and "take him" for once. Perhaps he's getting tired of being the aggressor or the one that primarily initiates intimacy. I agree with meeting him at the door in lingerie... or putting the kids to bed and perhaps initiating a little oral (if you're into that) while he's watching the tube. If you want the spark back, you have to make the spark a priority, don't just wait for things to come around. It takes two to tango. ~BLT
xxoo Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 I was just saying that by doing this...(being a "good boyfriend") not pushing for sex (by just taking it LOL) cause he thinks Im tired, is actually turning me off in a weird way by not making me feel very womanly/sexy. Im a woman who loves to be desired...I work hard to maintain a very sexy physique and attitude...so when Im tired from busting my ass all day...I kind of need him to "want" me to get me into a naughty mood, if you know what I mean!!! I can relate to this. I definitely have a need to feel wanted! My H never pushes for sex, and the times we've had little sex (first year after baby, during illness) he has not pressured at all. He definitely waits for signs of interest from me before making a move, and wouldn't make a move if I look like I'm falling asleep. So I guess, if I think about it, our system is 1. I give a sign (letting my robe fall open is "a sign!" lol), and then 2. He makes a move. It works for us because he knows I'm receptive (I sound like a dog in heat, backing up with my tail raised ), but I also get to be "taken" and feel desired. One thing that I've changed in recent years, and I think has actually helped boost his desire, is that I'm fully clothed unless I'm indicating interest. I used to be in various states of undress around the house a lot (classy, I know! ), and I think, while he loved my body, it became too available. Now I am always dressed--and fairly modestly so, as I'm getting older--and the appearance of skin and parts is having a much bigger effect on him in recent years. So that is something to think about, too.
Author SoConfusledandHurt Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 Im always wearing lingerie...so to the last poster...your suggestions made me think...and I realized that during my winter blues I really didnt wear much lingerie for the first time of our relationship. Ive been back in it for a couple weeks and he does notice the skin. I wasnt actually complaining about the lack of sex...as by the end of the day I AM tired and usually the thought of just sleeping does sound better to me than climbing on and riding into oblivion...I guess thats what I was talking about...I was more talking about what makes me NOT want to initiate sex...but what excites me so much that I dont care how tired I am, its worth it LOL!!! I think a lot of women (me included) tend to think guys think with their penises alot. When guys are single...they are always doing things to impress women... get women/laid. When guys are in relationships they almost always HAVE to look at porn, because they are "not naturally monogomous". (mine doesnt, but most do) It just seems like a very important part of being male...the penis. So when we as women are first with our men and decide we want to have sex...its usually because we feel very desired. We see the effect we have on this man, we feel completely devoted to that feeling. We feel good about ourselves. We feel excited and stimulated and so sex is almost always good in the beginning right? Having lots of sex and its so exciting. Then real life sets in and we have other things to do besides have sex. But I think thats so sad...I think good sex doesnt have to take forever. Even if you dont cum sometimes. It happens from time to time in my relationship...one of us doesnt cum...no big deal...we take care of the other and have lots of fun and then realize its time for bed...then the next day we are very ready and eager. Good sex doesnt have to always be romantic...sometimes good sex can be raunchy and dirty and thats ok. Thats what excites me about sex. Wow...I just rambled ALOT! LOL thanks for reading if you made it this far...and I hope that made some sense! usually our sex is this exciting...so when its not...I notice and feel unsexy. Anyway as I wrote this this morning and he has already did what I was kind of yearning for, I feel my libido very strongly today and plan on rocking his world when he comes home from work tonight! Full on sexxxiness awaits him! Woo Hoo...
tnttim Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Men are hunters, and women love being hunted, you said it yourself. Make yourself harder to catch. Tease, tease, tease. That's what works for me, and my W knows it. Make him think your going to have sex and then make him wait. Make it a little game, and you'll be surprised how turned on you will get. He will have to turn up his seducing skills to get what he wants then. You will get turned on by how much he has to pursue you, it will make you feel sexy to have your man chase you again. Treat him like you just started dating him. You remember when you didn't know exactly what he was going to do, what he was going to be like. Teasing and time will bring that feeling back.
Luv2dance Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 So I guess, if I think about it, our system is 1. I give a sign (letting my robe fall open is "a sign!" lol), and then 2. He makes a move. It works for us because he knows I'm receptive (I sound like a dog in heat, backing up with my tail raised ), but I also get to be "taken" and feel desired. I wish this would work in my house...MH just seems clueless most of the time. I love the way you describe your relationship with your hubby, seems like you guys have a great one!! Men are hunters, and women love being hunted, you said it yourself. Make yourself harder to catch. Tease, tease, tease. That's what works for me, and my W knows it. Make him think your going to have sex and then make him wait. Make it a little game, and you'll be surprised how turned on you will get. He will have to turn up his seducing skills to get what he wants then. You will get turned on by how much he has to pursue you, it will make you feel sexy to have your man chase you again. Treat him like you just started dating him. You remember when you didn't know exactly what he was going to do, what he was going to be like. Teasing and time will bring that feeling back. So, something like send him flirty texts during the day, maybe give him a fun, playful kiss while getting ready for a night out, wear a sheer black top w/ black bra and then come home and get on the computer?? Must be why MH is upstairs in bed w/o so much of a hint of wanting me, even when we have the house to ourselves...
Tommy's Girl Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 ah, I get it... when he gets home from work, you want him to carry you to bed immediately and make love to you wildly, instead of watching TV or being too respectful towards what he thinks you want... you want to feel desired, with ardent passion... maybe I should try that with my wife... Sounds good to me!
Author SoConfusledandHurt Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 Men are hunters, and women love being hunted, you said it yourself. Make yourself harder to catch. Tease, tease, tease. That's what works for me, and my W knows it. Make him think your going to have sex and then make him wait. Make it a little game, and you'll be surprised how turned on you will get. He will have to turn up his seducing skills to get what he wants then. You will get turned on by how much he has to pursue you, it will make you feel sexy to have your man chase you again. Treat him like you just started dating him. You remember when you didn't know exactly what he was going to do, what he was going to be like. Teasing and time will bring that feeling back. Honestly he would get aggravated with me for being a tease LOL...as far as making him think Im going to have sex with him and then making him wait longer....BUT he likes when I wait until we are somewhere and I hold him tight to me and whisper in his ear that Im sooooo horny and neeeed to ***** him so badddd...that is teasing him...and it is fun and I will do that when are out somewhere where he thinks about that all night...usually when we hit the car he cant keep his hands off me, and of course I love that.
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