weeble78 Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 sorry to keep posting today, I just can't get this out of my mind. Feel like my bf of 5 months is pulling away but I don't know why. Do I confront him and ask him why his behaviour has changed or just keep accepting his mollifying reasons for this, that and the other and him telling me he's missing me?
boogieboy Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 sorry to keep posting today, I just can't get this out of my mind. Feel like my bf of 5 months is pulling away but I don't know why. Do I confront him and ask him why his behaviour has changed or just keep accepting his mollifying reasons for this, that and the other and him telling me he's missing me? Start pulling yourself away more....you talked to him already, he's probably seeing someone or is tired of you...just start pulling yourself away from him now. Go out with friends, keep yourself busy. Dont always answer when he calls. He might need space, but you need more.
EasyHeart Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 This is normal. Give him some space and time, and he will start missing you and come back. If you chase him or pressure him, he will run away.
Author weeble78 Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 Is this really normal? It's very difficult not to withdraw myself. He texts me every night and the last few nights (we haven't seen each other for 2 nights) he keeps saying he misses me and loves me - but we only live 10 mins walk away from each other so I just think 'well why not come and stay overnight like you used to' I was cheated on by my last boyfriend for three months and he was the same. I can't tell the difference and I'm scared of going through that again.
EasyHeart Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Sounds like you are dragging baggage into this new relationship, which isn't fair to the guy. He did not cheat on you, so don't punish him for it. If you can't trust, you can't be in a relationship. You may want to take some time off of dating to heal from your past problems, otherwise you may end up sabotaging all of your future relationships (which is pretty much what you're doing right now).
boogieboy Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Is this really normal? It's very difficult not to withdraw myself. He texts me every night and the last few nights (we haven't seen each other for 2 nights) he keeps saying he misses me and loves me - but we only live 10 mins walk away from each other so I just think 'well why not come and stay overnight like you used to' I was cheated on by my last boyfriend for three months and he was the same. I can't tell the difference and I'm scared of going through that again. You either withdraw, or youre pushing him away. Thats all there is to it. You can engage him when he calls, but dont suggest seeing each other, let him do it. And shorten the call times.
Author weeble78 Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 Hi EasyHeart and boogieboy Thanks for your replies. I feel bad I've messed things up and I've hurt him, and I only hope it can be mended although I've already pulled back myself and have just been chatty with him whenever he gets in touch. He has been overly reassuring on email and when I see him (not that I've asked for it or said anything to him, and I don't really need reassuring) but he's just creating a little physical distance. I thought I didn't have any baggage, but 6 months on it seems to have slapped me in the face and the last thing in the world I want to do is to hurt this lovely guy. I think I've shaken his faith in me. Its funny you saying about sabotaging, because one thing he's said all the way through is 'we've really got to try not to mess this up because it's something special not many people find'. I've never asked him why he thinks he could deliberately mess it up, but I'm guessing he still actually has baggage of his own. Why are do people make their own lives so complicated? When you're trying to work things through you can see the right way to do it but it's like there's a secret death wish in some of us to sabotage the good!!
hoping2heal Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 sorry to keep posting today, I just can't get this out of my mind. Feel like my bf of 5 months is pulling away but I don't know why. Do I confront him and ask him why his behaviour has changed or just keep accepting his mollifying reasons for this, that and the other and him telling me he's missing me? Oh brother. I cannot for the life of me figure out why anyone thinks that if one partner is distant the best way to handle this is become distant yourself. That solves absolutely nothing. Yes, ask him what's up. Try and figure out what is going on so you two can become closer. Just repeating his actions will do nothing but drive you further apart.
Bartender Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 sorry to keep posting today, I just can't get this out of my mind. Feel like my bf of 5 months is pulling away but I don't know why. Do I confront him and ask him why his behaviour has changed or just keep accepting his mollifying reasons for this, that and the other and him telling me he's missing me? If there's a flame left between you guys no matter how small, it can be reignited quickly and stronger than ever by leaving doubt in his mind, living your own life and not letting him take you for granted. Independence and uncertainty drive a man crazy trust me.......for your sake I hope that flames still there because for me once it's gone, it's gone for good. Nothing burns those flames out more quickly in my book that a clingy girlfriend who's always questioning our relationship and does what ever I want her to do at the drop of a dime. Good Luck
ADF Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 I feel for you. It is a sad fact of life that many people in this world will do almost anything to make a difficult situation as easy as possible on themselves. Other people's feelings don't matter to them. It sounds like your BF has lost interest for some reason. Rather than face up to having a difficult conversation with you, he is just trying to drift away and spare himself the trouble. Don't let him. Demand an explanation for his behavior. If he waffles, dump him. You have to accept the fact you may never know exactly what happened. But you don' have to accept the behavior.
Author weeble78 Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 Well I make sure I'm not always available to him and have my own schedule of meeting up with friends, going out etc, and I have only had one relationship 'chat' with him when I talked about feeling vulnerable and finding it hard being in a relationship with him. He's asked to take me out tomorrow night, and also is booking a weekend away for my birthday in several weeks - so I do hope that the flame has not gone out..
Author weeble78 Posted April 16, 2010 Author Posted April 16, 2010 Does anyone else here agree with ADF? I heard from him last night - he was texting through his night out, but he was at a friend's house over the road from me. Usually he'd come over when he was finished and spend the night with me, but he didn't. I feel destroyed right now. I'm going to talk to him after work and tell him how I feel and ask him what's up and why he's pulled away like this. I feel now like I'm going to have to break up with him. I can't believe we spent 5 months together, met each other's families, talked about settling down together. I don't understand how it's gone wrong.
EasyHeart Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 I'll go back to what I said originally: after 5 months it's perfectly normal to drift apart and be a little uncertain about the relationship. The absolute worst thing a woman can do is chase, get needy or make demands. That is an absolute guarantee that she will push the man away.
Author weeble78 Posted April 16, 2010 Author Posted April 16, 2010 Hi EasyHeart I see what you mean now - that scenario has run through my mind, and that's why I've not said anything to him and just tried to let him get on with it. This morning he sent me a text (I'm at home today) which said the following: I hope you feel better today babes. Is everything else ok? Cos I am just feeling a little weird like something else is up? I may just be being paranoid, but something is making me feel like things aren't right? I am sorry if it's just me and you are there, not very well getting fed up of this text! But you always said to say how I feel and I feel a bit insecure I suppose? I hope everything is cool, cos as you know, I think the world of you. And you have my heart 100%... I've missed you this week... Like I said, sorry if I am being silly, but it's just how I have felt for a couple of days.. ;-( I feel like I'm treading on eggshells at the moment. I was a little upset when he contacted his ex to wish her happy birthday, but don't want to stifle him by saying so as it was just a birthday wish on her facebook and I'm being silly. However, he is so sensitive he picks up every tiny nuance and emotion I feel - even when I'm trying to hide it. If he cancels on me or decides he'd rather go out with the boys in the week (which he's started doing whilst still texting every day etc) then I just try and chill with that and put myself in his shoes. I guess I'm insecure and playing out feelings from my old relationship which I know are wrong, and I know we both need time to pull away from each other after such a long time of living in each other's pockets, whcih I will try and verbalise later when he comes over.
lordWilhelm Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 we haven't seen each other for 2 nights That's not such a long time... things may be a little bit more close at the beginning but then you settle in a more sustainable rhythm. Sounds to me like he's trying to establish a routine that's more manageable for him, but is doing his best to reassure you by planning things ahead with you and texting you daily. This is not a bad thing.
torranceshipman Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 You need to be really direct. You guys keep up the contact well, but he is behaving differently from how he normally does, so of course it throws you off...especially if you haven't seen him for a few days. Plus he brings that up in a text? That needs to be said in person. Tell him whats up with the not seeing him, ask him what is going on. It might be that everything is cool, but in order to stop things snowballing, ever, just ask straight out - in person - when you have something on your mind. It also stops people messing about when you are really direct (in person). Not saying your boyfriend it - it is just a good approach.
Author weeble78 Posted April 16, 2010 Author Posted April 16, 2010 Hi I know 2 nights is not such a long time - the times he stays over is 95% at his request and recently, we started having conversations around how much we like spending most nights together, not necessarily the evenings but at least just to go to sleep together. I felt like we were getting closer and have been thinking about hwo it would be living with him, because we miss each other when we're apart. I'm 32 and wish to be moving in a positive direction with him, not pulling away and giving each other space. Maybe I'm pushing things too hard?
D-Lish Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 It sounds as if he is taking a little time for himself. Sometimes when men get a little too intimate, they retreat, and then come back. I wouldn't push any kind of "talk" on him right now. His text seemed overly reassuring and positive in nature. If he's making plans for the future, that's a good sign.
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