Being persistent vs NOT stalking + could a girl love a loner?

[Don'tWannabeAWannabe]

I've heard over and over again that women like persistence; a guy who doesn't give up.

 

But where is the line drawn between being persistent and stalking?

 

I've gotten scores of number over the past few years, and hundreds of emails (well, sorta; through facebook) from girls but much, much fewer dates, relationships or even flings and hookups.

 

Normally, if I get a girl's contact info, I'll chat for a bit and make a request to meet up after 3 or 4 exchanges. But if she doesn't reply (or replies but flakes/ditches later on) that's it; no second tries for me. I like to play it off as "She has 1 chance and if she blows it, she's done" but the truth is, deep inside, I want to keep trying to get some one-on-one time with these girls.

 

But after a few years in college and having been friends with many girls, I know how quickly and easily girls will label a guy "creep" or "loser" over the slightest social-faux-pas, and it terrifies me. I'm afraid if I make a second try for these girls, I'm gonna be labeled "creep" or "loser" or "stalker" or whatever.

 

So I'm wondering, where is the line drawn between "being persistent" and stalking?

 

Also...

 

Could a girl love a loner?

 

I know from college and having studied several pick-up-artist websites that girls put a heavy amount of value on a guy who has lots of "social proof." Women will find a guy attractive if he has a lot of cool friends or, especially, female friends.

 

But what if a guy doesn't have many friends or much of a social life? What if he has a good reason (like he's knew to an area or hasn't set down roots yet?)

 

I was away from home for years and when I moved back, I didn't know anyone around here. Everyone's a stranger around here.

 

Would a young, naive girl be willing to look past this?

[Keslove]

Display mystery and confidence. I'm sure you got the mystery part somewhat naturally down if you are indeed a loner. It made my ex crazy that she couldn't figure me out and that I was displaying indifference to her advances.

 

This could work for some girls, not all.

[ADF]

Women don't like persistence. Men like to think women like it, because that gives them permission to keep trying even after a woman has told them "no." If a woman is genuinely drawn to a man, he won't need to persist very long before gaining her interest.

 

We men are also way oversold on this confidence business. Yes, it is nice to be confident. But anyone who acts confident all the time is faking it. Plus, overconfidence can lead to the kind of relentless, unwanted persistence that women fear.

[Don'tWannabeAWannabe]

Display mystery and confidence. I'm sure you got the mystery part somewhat naturally down if you are indeed a loner. It made my ex crazy that she couldn't figure me out and that I was displaying indifference to her advances.

 

This could work for some girls, not all.

 

Yeah, but that is assuming SHE'S the one making advances.

 

What if she's not taking the first step and YOU are the one who has to make advances?

[Pedigree]

Look on the bright side, the girl making the approach will more than likely be one of those extroverted social butterfly hotties who wants something different than the typical player types hitting on her.

 

With regards to persistence vs. stalking. I think you're on the right track with your attitude that if they don't reply or flake that that's it. Even if you handle rejection well, I'd assume you prefer a subtle one rather than a full blown no.

 

With regards to your "deep down inside" you still want to see them, I can sympathize with that but premature emotional investment isn't a good thing.

[Don'tWannabeAWannabe]

Look on the bright side, the girl making the approach will more than likely be one of those extroverted social butterfly hotties who wants something different than the typical player types hitting on her.

 

With regards to persistence vs. stalking. I think you're on the right track with your attitude that if they don't reply or flake that that's it. Even if you handle rejection well, I'd assume you prefer a subtle one rather than a full blown no.

 

With regards to your "deep down inside" you still want to see them, I can sympathize with that but premature emotional investment isn't a good thing.

 

So when I go to the club, and there tonnes and tonnes of beautiful women everywhere, why am I NOT getting bombarded with offers?

[boogieboy]

I know from college and having studied several pick-up-artist websites that girls put a heavy amount of value on a guy who has lots of "social proof." Women will find a guy attractive if he has a lot of cool friends or, especially, female friends.

 

When you are approaching women cold, they dont know whether or not you even have friends. It doesnt matter, as long as exude confidence.

 

In a social circle, it helps, but plenty of other factors can push all that aside, so it doesnt matter.

 

BTW stick to not trying a second time with women. Dont be a creep.

[Kaplan]

I can relate to this. With me, if I call a girl once or twice and she doesn't answer or phone me back in a day or two, I typically delete her number and forget her. Sometimes I think, "maybe they want me to try harder?" But I don't know. To me, it seems if they're interested they should just call me back. I know girls my age (mid twenties) have their phones on them 24/7. So you're basically saying, "I don't want to talk to you." Even if you're lying, I'm not going to call again.

 

Then again, I've known people who've had successful relationships after repeated rejections. My friend asked his wife out many times before they dated and she said "No!" every time. Now they're pretty much the happiest couple I know. So maybe persistance/stalking is good sometimes.

 

I wouldn't really worry about the loner thing. I think having friends can be a big advantage, but I don't think a girl's going to look at you when you're approaching her for the first time and think, "I don't see any friends; he must be a loser." Once she gets to know you well enough to know that you don't have many friends in the area, it won't be an issue. That's what makes sense to me, anyway. I could be wrong though.

[TheBigQuestion]

I think sticking with the 2 times max contact rule is a good guideline by which to operate. But it can't hurt you to become outgoing and try to find lots of people to hang out with. Even if it's against your inherent nature, a lot of people find it very refreshing/empowering to be able to increase their 'social proof,' as you call it.

[Don'tWannabeAWannabe]

Honestly, I would try to find a girl who DOESN'T judge your worth on how many friends you have.

 

My ex, whom I loved to death, was a loner, an introvert, and had very few friends. I was her best friend through most of the relationship. I was totally fine with this. In fact, I preferred it to her having a bunch of catty girlfriends talking about me behind my back. Her lack of "social value" or whatever BS you want to call it didn't turn me off at all.

 

Yeah, but you're a guy.

[Don'tWannabeAWannabe]

Now, as far as the persistence thing goes - I know what you mean about girls quickly labeling guys "creepy," and honestly, that burns me up. Every time I hear this, I want to turn around and say "B*tch, what the f*ck is so special about YOU, anyway?" Honestly, I think it's just a cop-out so that girls with "Hot Girl Syndrome" (you know the ones) can make an excuse for not being attracted to someone. These women think they're so wonderful and can always do "better" than whatever guy is going after them. Do you really want to be with someone like that?

 

If she's attractive, then yes.

[lab_brat]

 

 

Now, as far as the persistence thing goes - I know what you mean about girls quickly labeling guys "creepy," and honestly, that burns me up. Every time I hear this, I want to turn around and say "B*tch, what the f*ck is so special about YOU, anyway?" Honestly, I think it's just a cop-out so that girls with "Hot Girl Syndrome" (you know the ones) can make an excuse for not being attracted to someone.

 

Thats not fair, if someone is being persistent (ie - the girl has already said NO, and he's still asking), then she doesn't need a cop out or an excuse. She said no. Thats it. I would find it a bit creepy if they kept asking - no means no and ignoring that is disrespectful. What does that say about a person, when they completely ignore your wishes and keep asking regardless???? - Bowing to persistence doesn't seem like the ideal situation to start a relationship.

 

But, yes OP - i'd give up on the flaky ones - don't waste time on them. If someone is really into you they won't flake out without a really good reason

[Pedigree]

So when I go to the club' date=' and there tonnes and tonnes of beautiful women everywhere, why am I NOT getting bombarded with offers?[/quote']

 

I'm not talking about those kind of places more like an activities club or something.

[EasyHeart]

The difference between being a stalker and being romantic is how good-looking you are. Sad, but it's true. If a woman is attracted to you, she will get weak in the knees if you are persistent; if she's not attracted to you, she will think you are creepy.

 

If she's not quite sure about you, persistence may put you over the edge, but I think most women decide pretty quickly if they want to sleep with you. And if they have to think about it ("He's really not my type, but he's so sweet to me"), you might get laid, but it's never going to last. She'll be gone the first time you don't do everything perfectly.

 

Occasionally, you might find a really insecure girl who is also lonely at the moment. Here's your chance: she'll date pretty much anyone to keep from being alone and from suffering the social humiliation of not having a boyfriend. She'll be flattered by your persistence even if she's not attracted to you, because you're better than nothing.

[ascendotum]

The difference between being a stalker and being romantic is how good-looking you are. Sad, but it's true. If a woman is attracted to you, she will get weak in the knees if you are persistent; if she's not attracted to you, she will think you are creepy.

 

If she's not quite sure about you, persistence may put you over the edge, but I think most women decide pretty quickly if they want to sleep with you. And if they have to think about it ("He's really not my type, but he's so sweet to me"), you might get laid, but it's never going to last. She'll be gone the first time you don't do everything perfectly.

 

Occasionally, you might find a really insecure girl who is also lonely at the moment. Here's your chance: she'll date pretty much anyone to keep from being alone and from suffering the social humiliation of not having a boyfriend. She'll be flattered by your persistence even if she's not attracted to you, because you're better than nothing.

 

By and large this is pretty much the way it is. If you are not what you would call handsome or all that successful with women then I would recommend you to avoid persistence if you have not received positive responses or any reply back from a woman. Women are not all the same and yes some will feel an affinity with a guy who is showing perseverance in wanting to get to know them more, but you really should have had some positive conversations or body language signals first to indicate you have a chance.

 

I'm afraid if I make a second try for these girls, I'm gonna be labeled "creep" or "loser" or "stalker" or whatever.

 

If these girls are in your regular circle of friends / acquaintances then avoid a 2nd phone call when the 1st one has been ignored or you received a flakey response, otherwise, try calling again a little while later, if they gave you their number. Experiment a little.

[ascendotum]

Yeah' date=' but you're a guy.[/quote']

 

Hahaha. Thats what I thought when I read carolinawanderers post. He must be young and live in a country town. Without going into the psychology of it, when it comes to "social proof" a major (not all) percentage of women attach much greater importance to it than men.

[Mutant Debutante]

If she's attractive' date=' then yes.[/quote']

 

 

Here's your problem, man. You kind of ARE creepy, or at least you're painting yourself that way here. You want girls only for their looks, no matter what bitchy personalities they might have? You read pick-up artist websites, you skulk around at clubs trying to hit on the hotties, and in your OP you ask how you can appeal better to 'young, naive girls'? Naive, specifically? Nobody with good intentions specifically targets young naive girls.

 

I'd stay away from you and tell my sisters to stay away from you, and you being a loner has nothing to do with it. Guys who don't roam in packs are a plus in my book... guys who look for ways to prey on young naive girls and only care about their looks are a huge negative.

 

I was going to talk about how not all girls are into judging social value but you seem pretty clearly bent on only pursuing the kind of girls who do. So I guess you'd better get some friends.

Edited April 15, 2010 by Mutant Debutante

[Don'tWannabeAWannabe]

Here's your problem, man. You kind of ARE creepy, or at least you're painting yourself that way here. You want girls only for their looks, no matter what bitchy personalities they might have?

 

Because I know they would drop their "bitchy personalities" for someone they like. It's poll-vaulting that initial wall that's the challenge.

 

You read pick-up artist websites,

Umm, because you all told me to!

 

you skulk around at clubs trying to hit on the hotties, and in your OP you ask how you can appeal better to 'young, naive girls'? Naive, specifically? Nobody with good intentions specifically targets young naive girls.

My point was this; yes, as a lot of you said, girls who are unreasonably judgmental are shallow and naive. I was agreeing with you guys.

 

BUT, I'm saying, so are the vast majority of girls my age and younger. I could wait around for those tiny few-and-far-between rare gems who AREN'T judgemental, shallow or naive, or I can work with what's in front of me.

 

Which would you rather do?

 

Dig for silver?

 

Or wait for a gold meteorite to crash at your feet?