End of the Affair - How were things left?

[AlexaBlue]

I am curious to know how things were left when the affair ended for some of you others? Were things left angry or were they left sad? I mean did you scream and yell at him and tell him what a jerk he is or did you just walk away sadly - and tell him you loved him and were sorry it didn't work out. And which is better? It is just the closure issue I am having trouble with. I feel like he never gave me closure and I guess I have to try to find it within myself.

 

I have struggled with this over the last little while as I have been NC since Dec 30th after deciding to change my life in the new year. After an affair to a prominent businessman that lasted close to 14 years (on and off).

The last few months have been a struggle for me to say the least.

 

I finally ended it and I struggled with how to leave things with my xMM.

 

When I left things angry with him it didn't feel right and when I left things sadly it didn't feel right either.

 

He has always maintained he loves me and he wouldn't end things with me. He did move out of the house he shared with his BW 3 years ago and still lives on his own but never officially ended things with her and continued to spend significant amounts of time with her at their summer property. For the first few months after he left her I thought it was over between them and he swore to me it was and that he was never going back but then things seemed to slowly change. The last time I spoke with him (in Dec) he told me there was a 60% chance he was going to move back in with her. He also told me he doesn't love her. All the same things you all have heard - he is trying to do the right thing but it is killing him, he is heartbroken etc.

 

I would just like to hear from others as to how things were left with their xMM and how they feel about how things were left.

[Bootsie]

I am curious to know how things were left when the affair ended for some of you others? Were things left angry or were they left sad? I mean did you scream and yell at him and tell him what a jerk he is or did you just walk away sadly - and tell him you loved him and were sorry it didn't work out. And which is better? It is just the closure issue I am having trouble with. I feel like he never gave me closure and I guess I have to try to find it within myself.

 

I have struggled with this over the last little while as I have been NC since Dec 30th after deciding to change my life in the new year. After an affair to a prominent businessman that lasted close to 14 years (on and off).

The last few months have been a struggle for me to say the least.

 

I finally ended it and I struggled with how to leave things with my xMM.

 

When I left things angry with him it didn't feel right and when I left things sadly it didn't feel right either.

 

He has always maintained he loves me and he wouldn't end things with me. He did move out of the house he shared with his BW 3 years ago and still lives on his own but never officially ended things with her and continued to spend significant amounts of time with her at their summer property. For the first few months after he left her I thought it was over between them and he swore to me it was and that he was never going back but then things seemed to slowly change. The last time I spoke with him (in Dec) he told me there was a 60% chance he was going to move back in with her. He also told me he doesn't love her. All the same things you all have heard - he is trying to do the right thing but it is killing him, he is heartbroken etc.

 

I would just like to hear from others as to how things were left with their xMM and how they feel about how things were left.

 

This sounds sad for you.

 

Are you single? Because if you are, it seem incomprehensible that having left his wife 3 years ago, that he wouldn't just be with you.

 

Why ever would he go back to his wife when he doesn't love her and has you?

 

Perhaps you are married and wouldn't leave your own marriage for him.

[Heather1]

I wish things would have ended better. In my dreams it would have been with the understanding we both loved eachother & needed to stop. Instead, I felt totally used & he was backing off. I told him I felt used & needed to stop, he told me he was done. Haven't heard a peep in 6 weeks. I don't know what would have been a good ending. I'm usually a tough cookie, but this has been hard. I didn't expect him to leave his wife.

[LostMe]

My PA turned EA ended when I logged off IM for good in Dec last year. There was no discussion. I think it hurt him though I didn't intend to. I tried to keep in LC with him but he shut himself off to me completely for a couple of months after that. Now we are pretending to be friends but I find it very hard. I miss him so much.Some days I want to scream at him for cutting me out if his life like I meant nothing. But deep down I know why and that it's for the best. We are both married. That's it.

 

You have to find closure within yourself, any answers he gives you will never be enough. Good luck.

[AlexaBlue]

Are you single? Because if you are, it seem incomprehensible that having left his wife 3 years ago, that he wouldn't just be with you.

 

Why ever would he go back to his wife when he doesn't love her and has you?

 

Perhaps you are married and wouldn't leave your own marriage for him.

 

Bootsie:

Yes, I am married also and am in the process of a separation only now (house up for sale) xMM never wanted me to leave my H. The fact is the M is over whether or not I am with xMM and has been for a long time. H knows of the A.

The reasons xMM has given for not wanting to be with me are because he has been thru this before and it didn't work out (he left his first wife many years ago for the current one) and he does mention the age difference (he is 15 yrs older than me) Anyway just want you to know it is not a case of me not leaving my marriage for him.

[nadiaj2727]

Hi Alexa,

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. I've been there too. I too tried to end the affair nicely yet sadly, and it felt crappy, and then I tried to end the affair angry and shouting, and it felt good at the time because xMM was being a real a*&hat and making my life at work very hard because I was ending things with him), but after awhile it felt crappy too, like I shouldn't have said mean and hurtful things and stoop to his level, and even though he was such an a*&hat at the end becuase he wanted everything and couldn't have that, I would still remember the good times and how crazy (I mean I think I was literally crazy) I was for him. So I felt bad for hurting someone I once thought I was crazy in love with, even though I also felt like he deserved it and I had no choice.

 

It's been a long time and I finally decided that there is no good way to end an affair, except just to end it. Honestly just ending the affair was very hard for me and I felt -- at the time and now, looking back -- that it took a lot of strength and focus. I did what I had to do. And ultimately the only way I was able to truly end it was just to put him out of my life completely -- ignore him, change jobs, put him out of my head, move on with my life. I have found closure with myself and, like you very wisely said, that is really the only place to find closure. I do not think closure can be found with an affair... it's probably rarely found with the ending of any significant relationship, but I'd say impossible with an affair just because of the inherently dramatic and tumultuous circumstances and the amount of hurt that I think necessarily comes from it... especially when one AP wants to end it and the other doesn't, things can get very heated and it takes a lot of willpower just to end it, let alone end it the "right" way... and who knows what that is!

 

I'm proud of you for finding closure within yourself. I know it hurts but you will turn out just fine in the end. Good luck.

[U2RockZz]

Bootsie:

Yes, I am married also and am in the process of a separation only now (house up for sale) xMM never wanted me to leave my H. The fact is the M is over whether or not I am with xMM and has been for a long time. H knows of the A.

The reasons xMM has given for not wanting to be with me are because he has been thru this before and it didn't work out (he left his first wife many years ago for the current one) and he does mention the age difference (he is 15 yrs older than me) Anyway just want you to know it is not a case of me not leaving my marriage for him.

 

 

you had 14 yrs of A in how many years of M....14 yrs darn long time to play with somebody's life(H)....i don't know why in the hell people are getting married...there is no meaning to it...

Edited April 16, 2010 by U2RockZz

[fooled once]

I am curious to know how things were left when the affair ended for some of you others? Were things left angry or were they left sad? I mean did you scream and yell at him and tell him what a jerk he is or did you just walk away sadly - and tell him you loved him and were sorry it didn't work out. And which is better? It is just the closure issue I am having trouble with. I feel like he never gave me closure and I guess I have to try to find it within myself.

 

I have struggled with this over the last little while as I have been NC since Dec 30th after deciding to change my life in the new year. After an affair to a prominent businessman that lasted close to 14 years (on and off).

The last few months have been a struggle for me to say the least.

 

I finally ended it and I struggled with how to leave things with my xMM.

 

When I left things angry with him it didn't feel right and when I left things sadly it didn't feel right either.

 

He has always maintained he loves me and he wouldn't end things with me. He did move out of the house he shared with his BW 3 years ago and still lives on his own but never officially ended things with her and continued to spend significant amounts of time with her at their summer property. For the first few months after he left her I thought it was over between them and he swore to me it was and that he was never going back but then things seemed to slowly change. The last time I spoke with him (in Dec) he told me there was a 60% chance he was going to move back in with her. He also told me he doesn't love her. All the same things you all have heard - he is trying to do the right thing but it is killing him, he is heartbroken etc.

 

I would just like to hear from others as to how things were left with their xMM and how they feel about how things were left.

 

Many emotions. Anger, sadness, exhaustion, jubilation, loneliness, fatigue, etc...

 

I ended it because I chose to not keep playing the waiting game. Sure, he told me repeatedly he loved me, wanted a life with me, etc. He said the right things, but his actions didn't match his words. And words aren't enough for me.

 

He begged, he pleaded, he promised. I told him I was done waiting, I was moving on and IF he ever disentangled himself in the way he said he was, let me know and IF I was still available, we would see if things could go forward.

 

He called repeatedly. He begged. This continued for almost a year, while I dated and got engaged. He continued even after my marriage.

 

Last I heard from him was 8-10 years ago...he was still with his wife, had moved with her, and was asking me if he came back, would I take him back. I told him repeatedly the answer was No. That part of my life was over.

 

Yes it was scary and hard, but ultimately, it was for the BEST and I am with the man I was meant to be with

[numbdumbgirl]

you had 14 yrs of A in how many years of M....14 yrs darn long time to play with somebody's life(H)....i don't know why in the hell people are getting married...there is no meaning to it...

 

Well maybe most of us that ended up in affairs were married real young like 18 and had kids to our spouses and eventually grew apart, but stayed for the kids. If I had to do it over again, I wouldnt have got married young..you can only live and learn!

[Just a stone's throw]

Hey Alexa,

ExMM ended it (one sided, not mutually agreed upon) after me sending him an email that his kid questioned so he felt guilty and as in "we almost got caught" and he'd "better get his act together once and for all". Also we hadn't been able to actually get together for quite sometime due to my traveling and the emailing was making us both very frustrated sexually. Because he ended it for his own needs, and didn't give me a full explanation I really don't know what his reasoning was and this has left me very confused, sad and somewhat resentful...on one hand. For all I know it could have been to move onto another FWB who is available and that stings...

 

On the other hand (glass half full side) it was a gift for me to get back to feeling like a real person again and not one who needs to have validation from him on every move that I make. (I can say this now as I learned yesterday that this is part of what my A was about). I am strengthening the relationship with my H and enjoying my M again. This is the upside that I want to remember and not dwell on the downside.

 

I can't say that the half-empty side doesn't still bug the sh*t out of me because I wanted answers. It does. But I'm not going to get them and I'm not willing to go back to where I was before he ended it.

[LostMe]

Hey Alexa,

ExMM ended it (one sided, not mutually agreed upon) after me sending him an email that his kid questioned so he felt guilty and as in "we almost got caught" and he'd "better get his act together once and for all". Also we hadn't been able to actually get together for quite sometime due to my traveling and the emailing was making us both very frustrated sexually. Because he ended it for his own needs, and didn't give me a full explanation I really don't know what his reasoning was and this has left me very confused, sad and somewhat resentful...on one hand. For all I know it could have been to move onto another FWB who is available and that stings...

 

On the other hand (glass half full side) it was a gift for me to get back to feeling like a real person again and not one who needs to have validation from him on every move that I make. (I can say this now as I learned yesterday that this is part of what my A was about). I am strengthening the relationship with my H and enjoying my M again. This is the upside that I want to remember and not dwell on the downside.

 

I can't say that the half-empty side doesn't still bug the sh*t out of me because I wanted answers. It does. But I'm not going to get them and I'm not willing to go back to where I was before he ended it.

 

Me again! The thought that he's found a replacement plagues me too (my xMM i mean, not yours!) but i think if guilt is the reason he called it off, it's unlikely that he'd rush into anything with anyone else so soon...it would just be someone else to feel guilty about.

 

My xMM is a major flirt and i hate that other women will get his attention now he's not giving it to me. It's this darn validation thing. I don't want to care what he thinks anymore.

 

Are you going to go NC? I didn't think LC was affecting me but as time goes on and he gets more distant, I'm finding it gets harder where i thought it would be easier. Glad to hear things are good with you and your H, me too (again, mine not yours! haha!)

[U2RockZz]

you can only live and learn!

 

at the expense of others....????? anyways who the hell asked you to marry at 18 ,

 

lets say you haven't had brains or commonsense at 18,and you haven't bothered use it at 36 or 50 whatever....whts the use of it anyway...

[Joobi]

This is a hard one to answer for me.

 

I think they were left both angry and sad. I was in a really bad place emotionally and I mostly felt horribly betrayed. I'd say I was more sad than angry, particularly in the beginning. I also carried a huge amount of guilt. I blamed myself. I tried hard to understand the situation which had completely changed overnight and feel sorry for my MM and his W.

 

It ended up very complex and being dragged out for ages.

 

For a while he tried to talk both of us into living in a Menage a trois. I agreed. Anything to keep him in my life. Fortunately this did not happen.

 

Even now, a year later, I'm not sure whether I feel more sad, angry, betrayed, guilty etc.

 

I do know it's been a serious rollercoaster of emotions. I also know I'm going to have to figure it out for myself and that it is going to take more time for me to reach that sense of 'closure'.

[Just a stone's throw]

Me again! The thought that he's found a replacement plagues me too (my xMM i mean, not yours!) but i think if guilt is the reason he called it off, it's unlikely that he'd rush into anything with anyone else so soon...it would just be someone else to feel guilty about.

 

My xMM is a major flirt and i hate that other women will get his attention now he's not giving it to me. It's this darn validation thing. I don't want to care what he thinks anymore.

 

Are you going to go NC? I didn't think LC was affecting me but as time goes on and he gets more distant, I'm finding it gets harder where i thought it would be easier. Glad to hear things are good with you and your H, me too (again, mine not yours! haha!)

 

Lost Me, you're too funny! My exMM is also a huge flirt. Funny similarity. He has a ton of women friends and not many men friends. He's quite proud of that fact. It bugged me a bit, not sure why he was so proud of it.

 

He said guilt was the reason for ending it. I did believe him. I hadn't thought about there being another until someone brought it up on another thread. It was kind of an "ah ha moment for me. He said we were torturing each other and it needed to stop. Maybe I wasn't available enough for him so he used the "guilt" as an excuse to get rid of me to find someone more available. It's only a theory and one I don't like so much. I think I'm going to have to go NC. I sent him a note today, I think it will be the end of the "LC" after he answers it because I'm sure he will be utterly PO'd by it as I finally had the guts to tell him a few things I hadn't wanted to before for fear I'd upset him. I don't have that fear now. Not that I want him to be angry with me but the LC is really unhealthy. Unfortunately there may be little control over us running into each other in the near future and I wanted him to consider that and how we'd handle it. I'm quite annoyed by it honestly.