shadowplay Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 I realized today that I'm really stuck on younger guys for some reason -- not like jail-bait young, but 21-25 or so seems to be my ideal. I'm 26, so this is a problem, since most guys of that age aren't mature enough to be in a serious relationship and I keep getting burned by younger men. It's not that I'm not attracted to older guys -- I am (although it's usually guys who are under thirty even when they're older). It's just that I fear that they won't be able to give me what I need. After being with my ex, I realize that what I seem to need is somebody who is as devoted to me as much as he was before things went sour, but who is also mature enough to not freak and drop me out of the blue because I have a few problems or because things get serious. One good thing that came out of the break-up is it gave me a better sense of what I need out of a relationship. After being with him, I can't even imagine settling for what I had with the long-term ex before. Anyway, do guys of the type I described even exist? It seems like so many older guys are jaded and have trouble really being devoted to a woman. Although I have seen a few exceptions -- TBF's husband comes to mind. My dilemma is I want a guy who is extremely emotionally available (which is rare in guys past a certain age) and who loves me more than anything in the world, but is also balanced and mature. Yet I get the sense an older guy will also be more put off by some of my issues (like being insecure and anxious on occasion), since he'll be pickier having had experienced.
Lakeside_runner Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Um... anybody who's next is gonna be DIFFERENT from your ex. I actually believe that it's a mistake to look for people who are 'like your ex but without the bad parts'. Look for someone new who'll give you what you want. As a more constructive answer: check out meetup.com and look for groups of people who share some interests with you. I'm into sports (runnings and tris) and joined a running group. Wouldn't I have to move this summer this would be an awesome source of potential dates. As soon as I get to LA I'm gonna join a running group there (and a tri group! My Goodness... girls who do tris are HOT!). I'm sorry about what recently happened to you, I've been following it and I can only sympathize with you - but, hey you're only 26! Plenty of time and opportunities!
threebyfate Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 shadow, there are aspects of my husband which wouldn't work well with you. He can be scathing, impatient and a little insensitive but that's okay since I'm the same way and neither one of us mean it in a malicious way. We sometimes get into these cutting little back and forths but done with boundaries in place and a mutually shared sense of humour. Plse don't idealize him. While he's perfect for me, he's not a perfect man by far.
Author shadowplay Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 shadow, there are aspects of my husband which wouldn't work well with you. He can be scathing, impatient and a little insensitive but that's okay since I'm the same way and neither one of us mean it in a malicious way. We sometimes get into these cutting little back and forths but done with boundaries in place and a mutually shared sense of humour. Plse don't idealize him. While he's perfect for me, he's not a perfect man by far. Ha, don't worry. I'm not. I realize he would be totally incompatible with me, but I also admire the fact that he's so devoted to you.
threebyfate Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Ha, don't worry. I'm not. I realize he would be totally incompatible with me, but I also admire the fact that he's so giving and loving to you.In this, he's amazing. He's my rock and the first man besides my father who I felt was strong enough to rely on. And with this silly bedrest/previa thing, he's come through without fail. I do agree that most men under 25 aren't in the same stage of life as you are. But most men in their mid to late thirties are also not in the same stage of life as you are and if they are, they're going to be pretty immature men, more like the early twenties guys with that Peter Pan fo' evah' attitude or really messed up individuals. So maybe men between 25 - 32 might be your best target audience.
Jilly Bean Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Shadow - age isn't a magic bullet for relationship stability or longevity. Guys can be faithful and devoted at 18, and schmucky and dismissive at 50. So, I wouldn't look for an age range as a great qualifier. For now, take your time to heal, learn what you can from this, and enjoy the spring as best you can (a ride to Sugar Loaf? ). When the time is right, someone more worthy will present himself.
boogieboy Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Shadow, you will run into a few guys, at any age, who wont want to deal with your insecurity and anxiety attacks. They will want your personality without the issues, just like you want your ex without the impatience. You shouldnt worry about dating and take care of your issues first.
Author shadowplay Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 Shadow, you will run into a few guys, at any age, who wont want to deal with your insecurity and anxiety attacks. They will want your personality without the issues, just like you want your ex without the impatience. You shouldnt worry about dating and take care of your issues first. Thanks for making me feel like my ex was justified in dumping me. First off, my insecurities rarely came up in the relationship. And I almost never have panic attacks. I just happened to when he was there that time. I was also under a huge amount of stress with the recent abortion and job loss.
boogieboy Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Thanks for making me feel like my ex was justified in dumping me. First off, my insecurities rarely came up in the relationship. And I almost never have panic attacks. I just happened to when he was there that time. I was also under a huge amount of stress with the recent abortion and job loss. My point exactly. Drama. Your ex had his own issues, but what mature emotionally stable guy would want a woman who cant handle keeping herself together when things get tough? Gotta fix your issues first.
Author shadowplay Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 (edited) My point exactly. Drama. Your ex had his own issues, but what mature emotionally stable guy would want a woman who cant handle keeping herself together when things get tough? Gotta fix your issues first. Wow, give me a break. You're a dick. Drama? The abortion was hardly my fault, and anybody would be shaken up by that experience coupled with a sudden job loss, especially considering the abortion was my second time in 20 months. I did generally keep myself "together." I had one or two weak moments in front of him. I'm human. He had many panicky moments himself, and I never held it against him. I know I have things to work on, but what unfolded on my end was understandable given what was going on in my life. Edited April 15, 2010 by shadowplay
boogieboy Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Wow, give me a break. You're a dick. Drama? The abortion was hardly my fault, and anybody would be shaken up by that experience coupled with a sudden job loss, especially considering the abortion was my second time in 20 months. I did generally keep myself "together." I had one or two weak moments in front of him. I'm human. He had many panicky moments himself, and I never held it against him. I know I have things to work on, but what unfolded on my end was understandable given what was going on in my life. well youre 26 and a lil immature, so I expect the name calling when you dont get what you want.. only posts with people agreeing with you. But as long as you know you have things to work on, you should still work on that before dating again. Otherwise you'll be here again complaining about the next guy who is emotionally stable but bails on you because you freeze up from anxiety for some reason.
carhill Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Shared interests is a good way to meet an older single guy. Become active in the community. Volunteer. This is a good way to meet people, network, and also support your work in therapy regarding anxiety. I remember, many years ago, having to speak in public advocating my candidacy for a volunteer position. Petrified the first time; less so the second; after awhile it just became talking to a bunch of people. That's one way for you to become known (and noticed) by the older men you seek. Good luck
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