Amazing girl on eH -- we're going to phone chat tonight. Need some quick pointers.

[VertexSquared]

So I got paired with this girl on eH who, in my opinion, is amazing. Her profile was damn near perfect for me to the point that I was surprised beyond belief. She's not only cute, but we work literally 3 blocks away from one another, both went to similar schools, both work similar fields, both have similar values/priorities... and she's very intelligent, thoughtful, observant, funny, witty, articulate, cultured, and admits to being slightly nerdy (we both have very similar interests when it comes to the more esoteric stuff. We even frequent many of the same websites, sans this one of course). The kind of guy she wants almost describes me to a T (minus my introduction-shyness, of course) -- it was eerie how much I felt like I was reading about myself in her answers.

 

After just four messages in the Open Comm stage, we were both excited and comfortable enough to exchange numbers/emails -- there was a ton of chemistry going down and we moved quite quickly (all of this took place over the span of maybe an hour). With other girls it'd usually take at least a week before any exchanging of numbers/creations of plans materialized.

 

At work, all throughout the day, we emailed each other and kept things very light and casual, yet fun (she actually reached out first thing this morning to email me, which was very endearing to me). Unlike many of the other eH matches I've had, this girl seems *very* interested in me and has definitely been flirty to the point where it is clear, even to me, that she's not just interested in me as a friend (she's very complimentary, asks lots of questions, points out many things in common, has told me that she enjoys talking to me and was having fun, told me that she was looking forward to talking with me more since last night, etc). There was a lot of intellectual compatibility in addition to emotional, and I started getting butterflies.

 

She asked if we could chat on the phone tonight "so we could ask questions about each other more easily and set up a date where we can actually meet in person" -- I told her I'd call her at 10.

 

Now, of course, is the hard part for me.

 

I absolutely cannot afford to screw this up with my mental hangups on shyness... I want to put my best foot forward. I am not sure how I should open up my call or how to "lead" things or move the conversation. It may very well turn out to be very natural, but of course I need a backup plan just in case. I am very unskilled when it comes to talking on the phone and I generally avoid it whenever I can. It's a lot easier for me to communicate with text (or in person if we're, say, walking together, and they're okay with occasional moments of silence where I can take 5-10 seconds to think of something meaningful to say rather than blurting something stupid to fill up the void).

 

Could really use some advice on this one. The phone's been uncharted territory for me since my first relationship years ago, honestly. My recent ex and I almost never used phones (it was always in person). I'm definitely going to fake the hell out of my confidence tonight, but I need to know a few things.

 

1. How should I open up the call/what can I say?

2. What's a good "general outline/flow" for the conversation?

3. When should I end the call and how can I do it without sounding rude? I generally stay up until the wee hours of the night, but I don't want to be on the phone for that long.

 

These questions may sound silly, and you may be thinking, "If she's so compatible, it'll come naturally" -- this isn't always true for me. This is a legitimate mental hangup for me and it's gotten in the way countless times. It's a sort of analysis paralysis and my mind blanks out. None of this crap happens after I get to know someone a bit more and I've spent some time around them, but introductions to new people are ALWAYS extremely difficult for me.

 

*Any* help regarding this matter would be immensely appreciated. Thanks so much.

Edited April 15, 2010 by VertexSquared

[oxfordsocks]

really try and be yourself--tell her phone is not your best but you will get used to it(hopefully) wirite down some questions you may want to ask or talk about so your not saying umm umm or have silence that is always the worst the dreaded silence.

,aybe pick some "get to know you questions offf the internet"

[Crazy Magnet]

Talk about the things you guys have been emailing about. Ask follow up questions to what she has told you about herself in email. Avoid closed ended questions so that you have more time to think of something to say! lol

 

It sounds like she's pretty chatty so she may very well lead the conversation.

 

You can start simple "Hey, how are you? How was your day?" She should return the questions and go from there.

 

Already have a plan in mind for meeting. Pick out a place and time and have a back up in case she's busy at that particular time.

 

Good luck.

 

The first phone conversation I had with my BF from eH lasted two hours. The time flew by and neither one of are phone people at all. We are very much in personal people.

 

You can do it!!

[marsle85]

You know what buddy. This is it. Stop thinking about what you should be like, or what you should talk about, or a list of questions.

 

This is about chemistry.

 

if it's there- after the initial awkwardness, you'll fall into a natural flow. You'll know. It won't be HARD.

 

If it's not - you'll be stressed and worried and will fumble.

 

Seriously- not to sound cliche, but be yourself. THAT's how you know you have a catch. Not her info, not her picture- if you can connect to this person.

 

This isn't a test of YOU, it's a test of HER. Does she fit YOU. Forget if you fit her.

[alphamale]

keep it short and sweet

[Rorschach]

Phones aren't so bad once you get to know em. The trick is just to keep the conversation going, play what we call 'porcupine' at my job. The art of responding to questions with questions.

 

Without porcupine

 

So what do you look like?

 

Tall, Dark, Handsome

 

Oh....

 

*awkward silence

 

With porcupine

 

So what do you look like?

 

What are you looking for?

 

Tall, Dark, Handsome

 

Oh, then whats your second choice?

 

*laugh*

 

ice=broken

[VertexSquared]

Granted, but I still want to avoid closing up out of nervousness. I need something to fall back on like a safety net.

[alphamale]

Granted, but I still want to avoid closing up out of nervousness. I need something to fall back on like a safety net.

talk about what you know

[VertexSquared]

talk about what you know

 

Even I don't know what I know, haha. In the heat of the moment, my brain turns off.

[Rorschach]

ask questions about her. NEVER talk about yourself unless she asks. And then give a short answer before talking about her again. Everybody's favorite topic is themselves. Done right you shouldn't have to talk at all and when she gets off the phone she'll be thinking 'wow he's awesome' when you didn't even do anything.

[VertexSquared]

ask questions about her. NEVER talk about yourself unless she asks. And then give a short answer before talking about her again. Everybody's favorite topic is themselves. Done right you shouldn't have to talk at all and when she gets off the phone she'll be thinking 'wow he's awesome' when you didn't even do anything.

 

Yessssss. This is what I want to do, ideally. It's more or less what I've done on past dates (just try to ask a lot of questions), but I'd like to keep a list of good ones lined up in the event that I freeze up.

 

What are some good questions besides the normal job/school/where are you from/what do you do in spare time/etc questions (many of which we both already know the answers to).

[Rorschach]

Yessssss. This is what I want to do, ideally. It's more or less what I've done on past dates (just try to ask a lot of questions), but I'd like to keep a list of good ones lined up in the event that I freeze up.

 

What are some good questions besides the normal job/school/where are you from/what do you do in spare time/etc questions (many of which we both already know the answers to).

 

*ahem*

what do you want out of life

where do you want to live someday

what would you do if you had all the money you needed

what car would you have

where would you build a house

where would you vacation

do you have any hobbies youd do

would you spend alot of time with family

do you want to help out any charities

what do you want to do for a living

what music do you like

what books do you like

what movies do you like

whats your guiltiest habit (I play DnD)

whats the one thing you wish I didn't know about you

Was your mom a good mom

was you dad a good dad

who is your favorite distant relative

why

what was your favorite summer as a kid

what are you really looking for in a man

 

Need more? I have more.

[bac]

is she Asian?

[VertexSquared]

Ror: Yes

bac: Yes

[CLC2008]

I think this is why some people say that you should keep phone calls brief in the beginning. Save the "heavy" talk for when you're actually together.

 

You're putting too much pressure on yourself for one phone call where two people are talking to each other blindly as is. You can't see their face, you can't see their mannerisms, you can't see their expressions/reactions, etc.

 

If all else fails, just hang up on her when your brain freezes.

[Rorschach]

what was it like growing up

what was your favorite thing about school

what was your least favorite thing about school

are you aware I got this list of questions off a fat guy on the internet

are you more or less attracted to me knowing where I got this list from

when you toss a coin into the air do you normally guess heads or tails, why

do you have any favorite games

do you have any favorite sports

do you have any least favorite games

do you have any least favorite sports

what was the best holiday you remember

which one was the worst

have you ever given anybody a really special present that they just loved

has anybody given you a really special present that you just loved

are you interested in <your hobby>?

 

 

and seriously, if you don't have a 30 minute conversation and have asked her out by now, you suck. Each of those questions is easily 5 minutes of dialogue if you know what you're doing XD

[VertexSquared]

I think this is why some people say that you should keep phone calls brief in the beginning. Save the "heavy" talk for when you're actually together.

 

You're putting too much pressure on yourself for one phone call where two people are talking to each other blindly as is. You can't see their face, you can't see their mannerisms, you can't see their expressions/reactions, etc.

 

If all else fails, just hang up on her when your brain freezes.

 

 

This is exactly my concern. I don't want to get too heavy and wind up blowing out when we meet in person, and I also don't want to blow out now and not even make it to an in-person meeting (and possibly still blow out).

[Rorschach]

I think this is why some people say that you should keep phone calls brief in the beginning. Save the "heavy" talk for when you're actually together.

 

You're putting too much pressure on yourself for one phone call where two people are talking to each other blindly as is. You can't see their face, you can't see their mannerisms, you can't see their expressions/reactions, etc.

 

If all else fails, just hang up on her when your brain freezes.

 

this too, unless you find talking on the phone really easy it might be best just to set up a time and tell her how much your looking forward to it but you are running out of minutes and can't talk right now =P

[CLC2008]

"Hi, my name is Vertex, whats yours"?

 

"Wow that's a nice name, glad we had this chat, talk to you later"

 

[VertexSquared]

"Hi, my name is Vertex, whats yours"?

 

"Wow that's a nice name, glad we had this chat, talk to you later"

 

 

Haha, seriously

[bac]

 

She asked if we could chat on the phone tonight "so we could ask questions about each other more easily and set up a date where we can actually meet in person" -- I told her I'd call her at 10.

 

1. How should I open up the call/what can I say?

2. What's a good "general outline/flow" for the conversation?

3. When should I end the call and how can I do it without sounding rude? I generally stay up until the wee hours of the night, but I don't want to be on the phone for that long.

 

 

I can tell you how other men do the first phone conversation.

1.They open up as casual as they do when they call their friends or co-workers. But they are more enthusiastic, exited and polite in their voice tone.

 

2. General outline depends on your goals. If your goal is to set a date, the conversation is superficial and short. If your goal is to get to know each other better, you should ask questions which you want to ask. Also, let her ask questions which she wants to ask. If you are frozen during conversation, she will help you by asking questions or talking about herself. It is good if conversation goes with flow to reach interesting topics. She should help you and she might lead the conversation if you are OK with that. Be flexible to adapt to her conversational style.

 

3. Men do not typically end conversation unless it was a short call to set the date. If a conversation is kind of long, men always prefer to talk as long as a woman finally ends the conversation herself. If you want to end the conversation yourself, do it when you pick up very clear signs that she wants to end the conversation badly.

[Crazy Magnet]

Your in the eastern time zone right? REPORT! Full details! How did it go? Or are you still on the phone?

[marsle85]

Eeeeeeek!!! How did it go!:love::love:

[VertexSquared]

Oh. My. God.

 

We spoke for two hours -- she was more nervous than I was!!!!

 

She kept blanking and apologizing for "not having more questions to ask me" -- SHE ACTUALLY TOLD ME SHE NORMALLY WRITES THINGS DOWN XD XD XD

 

Seriously, the same **** I was doing in this thread!

 

She admitted she was really nervous and a bit insecure because she was "so different" from most people -- but this is what I liked about her! She's got a great job, a great education, great looks, and we share many esoteric musical tastes and activities. We wound up talking about a variety of things and she soon became a bit more open with me. It was funny because her nervousness actually KILLED my nerves and I was suddenly superconfident the rest of the conversation.

 

She's so bright and interesting -- I had a great time speaking with her. It was amazing because I felt like I was talking to the female version of myself or something. We had *so* many things in common to the point where it was almost a cosmic joke or something. I've never met anyone with so many commonalities.

 

A few times her shyness came across as distanced disapproval -- but I realized that is exactly how I sound sometimes. This shyness thing makes a lot more sense to me now, hearing it externally. I could tell she was just nervous but it "came across" differently. I reassured her that I thought highly of her traits/etc and that she had no reason to be shy around me! Near the end of the conversation she basically admitted to me that she was really interested in me and was just really worried about saying something wrong.

 

It put me at ease because it gave us a really good opportunity to be open with one another from the very start. She actually told me that I had her fooled -- I told her I was normally really shy and she totally didn't believe me.

 

Other than that, though, we spoke about music, travel, food (we're both majorly into food/gastronomy), college, work, random sidehobbies we enjoyed, stuff about our families, random views on eHarmony/dating in general/etc.

 

It was a really good conversation -- there were a few times where we paused but she filled it with an apology for "freezing up." I want to hug her so badly and let her know that I totally understand her, hahah. She honestly has nothing to be insecure about. But, like me, she is a perfectionist and hates it when things don't go according to plan (as do I). Again, these similarities are nuts.

 

We scheduled a date for this Friday. After we ended our phone conversation she sent me an Email a few minutes later:

 

"I really had fun talking with you tonight, despite how long and random it may have been! It's such a relief that I can be myself around you. I don't really know what I was so worried about... honestly, I had butterflies in my stomach the whole time, and I haven't felt that way since high school! There's just so much uncanny overlap in our personalities and the inexplicably insane improbability of it all is still blowing my mind. Haha, perhaps we'll end up running into each other on the way to work tomorrow. Either way though I look forward to seeing you in person! I'll see you on Gchat tomorrow!"

[Don'tWannabeAWannabe]

So I got paired with this girl on eH who, in my opinion, is amazing. Her profile was damn near perfect for me to the point that I was surprised beyond belief. She's not only cute, but we work literally 3 blocks away from one another, both went to similar schools, both work similar fields, both have similar values/priorities... and she's very intelligent, thoughtful, observant, funny, witty, articulate, cultured, and admits to being slightly nerdy (we both have very similar interests when it comes to the more esoteric stuff. We even frequent many of the same websites, sans this one of course). The kind of guy she wants almost describes me to a T (minus my introduction-shyness, of course) -- it was eerie how much I felt like I was reading about myself in her answers.

 

After just four messages in the Open Comm stage, we were both excited and comfortable enough to exchange numbers/emails -- there was a ton of chemistry going down and we moved quite quickly (all of this took place over the span of maybe an hour). With other girls it'd usually take at least a week before any exchanging of numbers/creations of plans materialized.

 

At work, all throughout the day, we emailed each other and kept things very light and casual, yet fun (she actually reached out first thing this morning to email me, which was very endearing to me). Unlike many of the other eH matches I've had, this girl seems *very* interested in me and has definitely been flirty to the point where it is clear, even to me, that she's not just interested in me as a friend (she's very complimentary, asks lots of questions, points out many things in common, has told me that she enjoys talking to me and was having fun, told me that she was looking forward to talking with me more since last night, etc). There was a lot of intellectual compatibility in addition to emotional, and I started getting butterflies.

 

She asked if we could chat on the phone tonight "so we could ask questions about each other more easily and set up a date where we can actually meet in person" -- I told her I'd call her at 10.

 

Now, of course, is the hard part for me.

 

I absolutely cannot afford to screw this up with my mental hangups on shyness... I want to put my best foot forward. I am not sure how I should open up my call or how to "lead" things or move the conversation. It may very well turn out to be very natural, but of course I need a backup plan just in case. I am very unskilled when it comes to talking on the phone and I generally avoid it whenever I can. It's a lot easier for me to communicate with text (or in person if we're, say, walking together, and they're okay with occasional moments of silence where I can take 5-10 seconds to think of something meaningful to say rather than blurting something stupid to fill up the void).

 

Could really use some advice on this one. The phone's been uncharted territory for me since my first relationship years ago, honestly. My recent ex and I almost never used phones (it was always in person). I'm definitely going to fake the hell out of my confidence tonight, but I need to know a few things.

 

1. How should I open up the call/what can I say?

2. What's a good "general outline/flow" for the conversation?

3. When should I end the call and how can I do it without sounding rude? I generally stay up until the wee hours of the night, but I don't want to be on the phone for that long.

 

These questions may sound silly, and you may be thinking, "If she's so compatible, it'll come naturally" -- this isn't always true for me. This is a legitimate mental hangup for me and it's gotten in the way countless times. It's a sort of analysis paralysis and my mind blanks out. None of this crap happens after I get to know someone a bit more and I've spent some time around them, but introductions to new people are ALWAYS extremely difficult for me.

 

*Any* help regarding this matter would be immensely appreciated. Thanks so much.

 

Here's my advice... DON'T CALL. Here's why.

 

Back when I was younger, if I got a girls number, I would chat and chat with her online or on the phone so much that by the time we met up in person, I had run out of things to talk about. We kept running into awkward silence and struggling for conversation. It was not fun, and they usually didn't lead to second dates.

 

Save your A-material for face-to-face time.