Broken engagement

[spanisheyes]

Hi everybody, I´m new, this is my first post ever, I would appreciate very much any commentary. Its a bit long...sorry!

My fiancee, boyfriend of almost four years, suggested to postpone our wedding (we were going to get married at the end of June) and I refused.

Things have been stormy, but I thought he knew what he wanted, that he was sure about getting married despite the problems. We were going to counseling and it was progressing quite well, actually, the last session (Friday) was awsome; it seemed we really were going somewhere with it.

He had first suggested it like two weeks ago, and I stated that, if we were not getting married on June, the relationship was over. We could give the counseling (on a weekly basis) another month and if things didn´t improve, then we could call it quits. Last weekend he expressed serious thoughts about marriage and that made me explode: I took off the ring and said it was over, since he was showing so doubtful; it seemed he had no faith in the therapy, almost that he was trying to boikot (can you say that?) it.

After a really sh**tty weekend and Monday, yesterday, he was saying how in love he was with me, how much he is commited (!!!) and that he was leaving because I was asking for it, but that he was going to be there for me. He said that he was going to come later (he didn´t), and that he expected to see me next Friday on counseling.

My discourse was this: our communication issues could be solved, but the loss of trust in you that I have experienced, has little solution. You (for him) have betrayed not only my trust but my familys (they LOVE him), you have put them and me in a very humiliating and painful position canceling a wedding two months ahead, and you knew that i wasnt accepting a delay.

If you ever want to see me, first, you´ll have to fix it with my heartbroken parents- They have been extremely supportive, loving and understanding, they are suffering beyond imagination and I need them to trust you back.

Today, Wednesday, I visited my parents and they haven´t said a word. He has not called back.

I don´t know if I should go to counseling on Friday despite he moves or not or I should stick to my guns;)...

[The Non-Student]

I have to say, as an outsider the back and forth nature of this is really confusing. First, an engagement and a wedding date, followed by him expressing doubt, followed by you giving him an ultimatum. It sounds like when he expressed doubt, you reacted by saying "Do this or else." Then that pattern was repeated last week when he expressed doubt and you took off the ring.

 

On therapy: So, you were in counseling for only two weeks? Therapy takes much longer than a few weeks to make real progress, as well as commitment from both sides.

 

What I see is broken trust on both sides. You can't trust him because he expressed doubts about marriage (although he doesn't hesitate to say that he loves you.) And you threaten to end the relationship unless he goes forward with your original plan. I'm not so sure your communication issues are so easily solvable because clearly there are unhealthy patterns in place between you two.

 

I think the first thing you need is some clarity. And I wouldn't threaten to leave the relationship unless you're really going to do it.

 

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[spanisheyes]

Thanks, for the answer, so precise and well exposed, and excuse my English (not my L1!).

First, we have been going to counseling (on-off) since January, and we both have individual therapy on a regular basis.

I understand that you have the impression i gave him an ultimatum, but it wasnt a "Do this or else." It was more "you made a promise and now you are making up your mind".

He has the right to do so, just as I have the right to be pissed.

My trust is broken, since he is trying to throw me the responsability of the break up. He knew this was going to happen, and he went on. He didn´t even wait for the month to expire before reaching a conclusion.

He wanted a delay...until when?, how do I know it wont happen again two months before the wedding?...

I have the feeling that, fine, he loves me, but doesn´t want to marry me so he is making time in order to let things die "naturally", in a less traumatic fashion...

 

I must disagree with you on this point

"And you threaten to end the relationship unless he goes forward with your original plan".

It was not "my" plan it was OUR plan, we both willingly and freely decided about getting married. Nobody put a gun on his chest.

 

 

Well I didn´t threaten. I just ask him to pack and leave. He insisted on his strong feelings for me, etc.

"And I wouldn't threaten to leave the relationship unless you're really going to do it."

 

Thanks again for your help, I appreciate your point of view.

[doublescorpio]

I don't really understand why you are unwilling to give him more time. Wedding plans can be changed and canceled, its worse to lose a life partner rather than money. If he expressed doubts about his feelings over marriage, I really think you behaved very immature. I understand your point about if he was having doubts now he may never want to marry you, but what if his concerns about marriage were valid?

 

I am not trying to pick on you but you are kind of vilifying him. But it sounds more like you were the one that told him 'or else' and then took your ring off. Perhaps you should reflect on your behavior over the past few months. Have you been prioritizing the wedding plans more than him? Have you been stressed? Perhaps he feels like he is just 'filling' the spot of a husband for you, rather than doing it out of real love. I think in these situations it is natural to be angry and one sighted but self reflection is very important. I have seen three different men walk out just before a wedding date, and ALL three cases they stated it was because the fiance had 'changed' and he also felt pushed aside with the wedding coming up. One guy specifically felt that the woman and her family were just using him to be a husband, they didn't care who it was but he was most convenient. Pride and embarrassment on behalf of the family can be motivating factors in wedding planning.

 

I am not necessarily saying its yours or your fiance's fault. I don't understand why postponing the wedding is something you could not do. Love takes many forms, marriage at a certain point is only one form. You say you didn't threaten him, just asked him to pack and leave. That is more of a demand, actually. He pretty much had no choice. And I don't think he needs to apologize to your parents first before he sees you, honestly who cares what they think. What is important is what you and your fiance feels.

[spanisheyes]

Thanks for your post, obviously, it is pretty hard to explain every single detail of a relationship ina brief way. There are nuances, personal feelings...As an answer to your post, I must point that:

"I don't really understand why you are unwilling to give him more time. Wedding plans can be changed and canceled, its worse to lose a life partner rather than money".

Of course that is not a money issue; is a commitment issue. A life partner? how on earth am i going to trust this person back?

 

"If he expressed doubts about his feelings over marriage, I really think you behaved very immature."

I must disagree; I never changed my version. It is not immature to express what you want and be assertive. He also wanted to marry, it wasn´t my sole decision. He was the immature, first saying yes, then don´t know, then maybe better a delay... c´mon!... grow up!

 

"I am not trying to pick on you but you are kind of vilifying him." Please, get in my shoes for a sec!!

 

" But it sounds more like you were the one that told him 'or else' and then took your ring off. Perhaps you should reflect on your behavior over the past few months. Have you been prioritizing the wedding plans more than him?"

Absolutely NO. Actually, it is funny, because everybody was telling me what an "anti-bride" I was. Thanks to my anti-brideness many things were not decided/booked/chosen/paid/discussed yet, so the painful duty on cancelling stuff has been rather short. By the way, I had my my gown fitting tomorrow... at risk of sounding superficial, you can´t imagine how sad it is to go to the shop and tell the girl you won´t need the dess any more. Not amusing.

"Have you been stressed? Perhaps he feels like he is just 'filling' the spot of a husband for you, rather than doing it out of real love."

Not the case.

"One guy specifically felt that the woman and her family were just using him to be a husband, they didn't care who it was but he was most convenient. Pride and embarrassment on behalf of the family can be motivating factors in wedding planning."

Sorry for that guy, that´s terrible, but this has nothing to do with that. If it was that, I wouldn´t be as hurt on my trust. I´m not thinking about the wedding, I´m thinking about how the person I trusted most, shattered it. I don´t know if i will be able to trust again.

And I don't think he needs to apologize to your parents first before he sees you, honestly who cares what they think.

I do, very much indeed, not only about what they think but about how they feel.

What is important is what you and your fiance feels.

Yes, but since we are adults and responsible of our acts, we also should care about "colateral damages". Its not "Romeo & Juliet", its real life and real people with feelings, expectations, commitments...

 

Doublescorpion, thanks again!!