Separation, therapy and survivor of abuse

[just_some_guy]

Going to IC means having to re-face some issues from growing up in a family full of emotional abuse and some physical abuse, and having been molested as a young boy by a neighborhood teen, then being blamed for it by my own father for not knowing how to fight. I've been over this before in previous therapy from my previous failed marriage. I had connected some of the dots, but not all of them I guess.

 

My father was full of rage. Things could set him off in violent ways that were completely irrational. I remember one time as a kid, being unable to swallow some prescription pills. He lost it, chased me around the house with a belt, beat the crap out of me and forced the pills down my throat, then continued to do so until the prescription was finished.

 

To this day, I cannot swallow pills. I have issues with being touched, the thought of a massage causes me to shrink in fear (although I have tried it a couple of times). I have never been able to develop sexual relationships easily without a long period of getting to know a woman and feeling safe with her. I have frequently felt undeserving of love or affection or especially sex. I can not handle forceful emotional displays, especially of anger or worse, rage.

 

Since my W's breaking into a severe blind rage and smashing stuff, I'm afraid of her, or more precisely, afraid of a similar emotional reaction of rage. It was an atypical episode for her to do that. Feeling safe with her was something that strongly attracted me. But that bridge has been crossed and I think that was the ending moment for me. On top of all the other problems, her going there, to rage and violence, closed it off for me.

 

I so fear her reaction that I'm afraid to get the rest of my stuff out of the house or even mention it. It is not a rational fear, but it is there and it is inhibiting me from doing what I want to do. The truth is, she almost certainly would not react in way other than feeling sad about the separation becoming more final and maybe crying. But the fear is there inside me, keeping me from exercising my will.

 

Going to therapy has been helpful, but I have to say, stirring it up was very disturbing for a few days last week. I was agitated and distracted for several days. I understand why to some extent and have healed somewhat or at least coped with it reasonably for the last decade. Clearly issues remain.

 

I'm glad to be separated. I feel safe in my own domain. I need to work the rest of this out or it will keep following me around. The marriage I think is over, I'm not seeing healing it nor am I particularly wanting to do so.

Edited April 14, 2010 by just_some_guy

[You Go Girl]

I understand this. Your father sounds like mine was. His rage bubbled just beneath the surface and needed only the slightest thing to set him off. His belt came off his waist often in our house too.

Actually, i had a dream last night about him. He's passed now, but in this dream I completely told him off.

In his last year, he couldn't shower himself or even get off the toilet. My mother asked if I would take care of him for a week. I couldn't do it. I could only imagine myself acting like Betty Davis in some old movie-can't think of the name-where she feeds her sister a mouse for dinner because her sister is in a wheelchair and can't take care of herself. Beating kids is picking on the weak--and I wondered just what it would be like to finally turn the tables.

 

My H reminds me of my father. Not his rage, no, he doesn't have that. Other ways.

One thing that is very difficult in marriage and all counselors will agree--is that you have to separate your spouse from your father/mother. That they are NOT your parent. It's extremely common to make a false association. My H did threaten me once. I left him for a month. It was very out of character for him, but after my father...well, you understand.

 

The fear you feel is temporary. Continued discourse with her will show more than likely that she won't repeat this behavior, and you will get comfortable again with the idea of going in and getting your stuff.

[just_some_guy]

Interesting about your dream. My counselor suggested a similar activity for me, to go back in my imagination to some particular point in time and confront my father, tell him off, stop him or whatever.

 

It's hard for me to do, but I'll try to process it.

[CleverName]

There is some interesting info regarding rage, love etc... here...

 

http://www.findingstone.com/professionals/monographs/rageshameandthedeathoflove.htm

[You Go Girl]

For quite some time--from my 20's onward--the dreams with my father were more nightmares. Him chasing me, me afraid, other examples of repeating the intimidation.

But the last 15 years or so--it's usually me telling him off. lol

 

Is your father still alive? I believe that after my dad died, the threat was truly gone. They carry that power with them as long as they are alive, no matter how rarely you see them.

 

I think your counselor's suggestion an excellent one. It may be difficult to pretend you are that young boy again, to relive that conversation, with you standing up for yourself and telling him he is wrong, but even pretending such a different outcome would be beneficial in healing the pain from his horrible lack of support and his horrible bad judgment.

 

You didn't deserve such cruel and unsupportive treatment from your father, justsomeguy. You didn't deserve it at all. He was wrong to treat you like that.

Hugs.