weeble78 Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 New bf of 5 months - everything is wonderful. Only thing is, his ex (from 4 years ago, were together for 6 years and engaged) pops up unnecessarily in conversation every now and again. She cheated on him when they split, when he told me about it he said she'd smothered him, he'd pulled away then she finally got up, got her own life and in his own words 'she finally became what I'd always wanted her to be' but she left him. Every now and again I wonder if I should say anything, but am against it in case it makes him more guarded. He's even had conversations with me where he's compared me with her i.e. in terms of how you get along when living with somebody, how you argue with somebody etc. I've just noticed he's wished her happy birthday on her Facebook. He also asked, a while ago, if I'd mind him visiting the place she works in the summer with his friends - which is a theatre/bar. And no he didn't invite me to go with him. Anyway, tiny alarm bells are ringing - the two relationships I've had in the past have had their first year ruled by the person not being decided between me and their ex-gf. What does anyone think?
Rorschach Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Sounds like he still might miss her, 6 years is a long time. Have a little heart for the guy, I don't think he is going to cheat on you, doesn't sound much like an ex. Make it clear that you're worried about him and don't want him to cheat, but give him a little time and try to make him feel special to help him get over her. It doesn't sound like he's malicious about this, at least not from the way you describe it.
Author weeble78 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 He's not malicious about it at all, he just feels that she got herself together right at the last minute and when I've heard him talk about her, he sounds regretful. Now she treated him like crap, but he doesn't see it that way and appears to have fallen for her BS. She tried finding someone else for him to move in with before finishing with him, he found out from a friend, and then said he appreciated her trying to do him a favour! Now I don't want to cause issues where there shouldn't be any, but he should really be over her if he's claiming to love me surely? I don't give two hoots about my ex and would certainly not be emailing him happy birthday, hence why I don't understand this. If I'm honest, I find it upsetting.
Rorschach Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 He's not malicious about it at all, he just feels that she got herself together right at the last minute and when I've heard him talk about her, he sounds regretful. Now she treated him like crap, but he doesn't see it that way and appears to have fallen for her BS. She tried finding someone else for him to move in with before finishing with him, he found out from a friend, and then said he appreciated her trying to do him a favour! Now I don't want to cause issues where there shouldn't be any, but he should really be over her if he's claiming to love me surely? I don't give two hoots about my ex and would certainly not be emailing him happy birthday, hence why I don't understand this. If I'm honest, I find it upsetting. People react to this stuff differently, it's understandable that your angry but I think he just has to work it out of his system, the best thing you can do is to prove that she mistreated him by treating him well yourself. In the end its up to him when he shuts the door on that part of his life, you can just help. I understand that you find it upsetting, but there isn't a whole lot you can do about it.
Author weeble78 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 Is it helpful to say I am surprised he's contacted her, or to just ignore it altogether? I can't go through something like this again - it always seems to start this way
linwood Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 It seems he does still have feelings for her. Not sure how you should handle that. Maybe whenever he speaks of her in a positive way remind him she was a big negative in some manner. That way maybe eventually he`ll begin to see she wasn`t the great person he`s made her out to be.
Author weeble78 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 At the moment I'm crying and I feel like telling him tomorrow that I'm surprised he messaged her. At the same time though, I don't want to overreact and push him into her arms.
Rorschach Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 If you're hurt tell him how you feel, if he really cares for you he'll respond well. And if he doesn't respond well then he's not for you anyway. It's a tough situation to be in, but I don't think you have to worry about him 'running into her arms' because it sounds like she wouldn't take him back.
Author weeble78 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 Thanks for your kind words. I feel quite insecure at the moment, through no fault of his, just me. I feel I should take it at face value and just see how things go. If I can't get it off my mind then I will have to say something. It seems so difficult, the balance between trusting somebody not to hurt you and protecting yourself from any hurt. I guess to do that you have to be a strong person and I don't feel so strong right now..
Rorschach Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Don't worry, it sounds like he's going through a hard time too right now, go seek some comfort with him if you feel you need to. Good guys will drop everything if their girl calls them up and just says 'hey I need to see now, come over and make me feel better'.
Scarlett513 Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 They've been apart for 4 years - I think if he's still talking about her, he still hasn't completely moved on. Honestly, after all this time if he's still thinking about her and *comparing you to her* it's unlikely that your relationship will be able to progress in a healthy manner. I'm sorry, I know this advice isn't easy to hear, but I've been there and in my opinion it was easier to cut my losses and move on before I got any more attached.
Author weeble78 Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 Does anybody else agree with this, or at the very least, that he has still not moved on? I'm in a quandary - I've been here before and I'm not strong enough to handle everything that goes with this territory..
Author weeble78 Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 I'm now thinking I should talk to him: present him with the things I've picked up on in the five months e.g. the comparisons, the 'oh she goes to events like that, she's friends with people like that..' and ask him straight out if he still has feelings for her. Does anyone think this is a bad idea?
Kaplan Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Anytime you date someone who's been in a relationship for years they're going to think of their ex sometimes. That's somebody that they had an intimate relationship with for a long period of time. It might not be appropriate for them to still try to maintain contact with the ex, but you have to understand that they're bound to have some attachment to their ex. It doesn't necessarily mean that he prefers her to you or would choose her over you. You should definitely talk to him before you assume that there's a problem. After all, he's talked to you about visiting her work and not tried to hide any of the things that concern you. If he was thinking about getting back with her, he would probably be hiding any contact he makes with her. And don't you dare avoid confronting him because you don't want to "push him into her arms." If you say, "I'm concerned by your contact with your ex," and he ends up in her arms, it's because he's a jerk who doesn't deserve you or any other self-respecting lady. Not because you did something wrong. And if you're wrong to be suspicious and uncomfortable, he should be understanding of the fact that you've been hurt in the past. You're not being bad to him in some way by being uncomfortable. Everybody's uncomfortable with their BF/GF contacting his or her ex. Even people who haven't had similar problems in the past.
aroll32 Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Anytime you date someone who's been in a relationship for years they're going to think of their ex sometimes. That's somebody that they had an intimate relationship with for a long period of time. It might not be appropriate for them to still try to maintain contact with the ex, but you have to understand that they're bound to have some attachment to their ex. It doesn't necessarily mean that he prefers her to you or would choose her over you. You should definitely talk to him before you assume that there's a problem. After all, he's talked to you about visiting her work and not tried to hide any of the things that concern you. If he was thinking about getting back with her, he would probably be hiding any contact he makes with her. And don't you dare avoid confronting him because you don't want to "push him into her arms." If you say, "I'm concerned by your contact with your ex," and he ends up in her arms, it's because he's a jerk who doesn't deserve you or any other self-respecting lady. Not because you did something wrong. And if you're wrong to be suspicious and uncomfortable, he should be understanding of the fact that you've been hurt in the past. You're not being bad to him in some way by being uncomfortable. Everybody's uncomfortable with their BF/GF contacting his or her ex. Even people who haven't had similar problems in the past. Yeah, I completely agree with that. A good guy will still keep some contact. I mean come on, unless it ended ugly then there normally will be contact with an ex. I know I still talk occasionally to my ex, tell her happy birthday, just catch up. Normally, if I'm with another person, I wouldn't be thinking about going back to my ex. Why would I be with the girl I'm with if I was constantly thinking about how to get back with her? Unless I am an inconsiderate jerk. Assuming he is a good guy and it sounds like he is, he most likely is doing just that. And also, I agree with what Kaplan said about hiding things. If he was going to her work because he wanted to get back with her, he definitely wouldn't have asked you. But there also is a chance that he is waiting for the shot to go back to her. Though it seems extremely unlikely from your posts. I would just talk to him and see how he reacts, if you know him well enough, you will probably be able to tell.
Mutant Debutante Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 I don't think it's an indication of anything either way that he still talks to his ex and wishes her happy birthday. A lot of people are able to maintain friendships with exes and it doesn't always mean anything wrong is going on, it can be a good sign of maturity. Some warning bells would be going off for me with the comparisons and the air of regret that she got away, though. I would definitely not like that if I were you. The thing is though it's really hard for any of us to say because we're seeing everything through your eyes, and you already said this is a sore spot for you because you've had problems with guys who weren't over their exes in the past. Sometimes people overreact to sore spots or get a little paranoid and start seeing things that aren't necessarily there. Not saying that you are definitely doing that, just that I don't know if you're a reliable filter. Is he genuinely hung up on his ex? We can't know--you're going to have to talk to him about it, about how you feel. If he is still hung up on his ex, why have all three of your relationships started out this way? Do you think you are subconsciously attracted to emotionally unavailable men?
Eeyore79 Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I was once in love with someone who dumped me. I dated other guys, but I still had feelings for my ex; none of them could replace him. I only forgot about my ex when I fell completely in love with someone else. It sounds to me like you're Ms. Right-Now, not Ms. Right - the girl who can't replace his ex, who he isn't enough in love with to completely forget about his ex. If he truly loved you, all thoughts of his ex would vanish from his mind.
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