StoptheDrama Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 that's me! well, that's how I feel sometimes... How could I have been so blind to him? Why did I believe in him? How could I allow myself to be manipulated so well and for so long?... Had I been an observer, I would have seen him clearly and known what he was really all about but I wasn't and I didn't. At first there was the budding 'friendship' followed by light flirtation. Then came how he needed me - only I could 'help' him conquer his demons. Only I knew 'the real' him, etc. Then came the full-on A and, eventually, the truly real person surfaced. The criticism came slowly and long before I fully began to realize what was actually going on. In one breath he would build me up and in the next he'd tear me down. One minute he'd be crying (crocodile tears) on my sofa and the next he'd tell me all that was wrong with me. And all the while he'd tell me how he cared about me... Then the criticism picked up in both intensity and frequency - the put downs began to be accompanied by the simultaneous defense and building up of a woman at work who was awful to me. I also began to notice a pattern - the criticism often followed an act or utterance by me that indicated my independence from him. For example, when I mentioned my then SO, xMM's demeanor changed almost immediately. It was ok for him to be married but not for me to have an SO?? And when I complained about situations at work, he'd tell me I was paranoid... As I found out later, he also then began to insult me personally and professionally, both within and outside the company. According to what I now know, these started before I ended the A and have since continued. And yet, he continues to fish - albeit unsuccessfully. This has become cyclical as well. He fishes - even to the point of cc'ing my boss on meeting invitations when I balk- and tries to turn professional correspondence into a personal conversation. After a while he gives up but then it starts again...and again.... I've considered outing him and decided against it for a variety of reasons but he still makes me so angry. Angry at him for the lies, games and manipulation but also angry at myself for being such an idiot! In hindsight, his script was so blatantly obvious a blind person could see it. But I didn't. I know now but that doesn't make me less of a fool - if anything, it sometimes makes me feel worse. Just needed to vent....got another meeting invite today and it was either type or scream....
ladydesigner Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Is there any way you can start to look for a new job? I feel sorry for everyone that either 1. Works with their XAP or 2. Lives next to them. That would make things so difficult. You are not a fool. If that's the case then I am a fool too and everyone else here. You fell in love with the wrong person and unfortunately work with him too. Hang in there. I hope this shall pass for you.
Spark1111 Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Stop The Drama, I understand the anger you are experiencing now and am sorry you still have to be subjected to all the....well, drama that accompanies the ending of a workplace affair. They say when the fog lifts and you begin to view the AP in a more realistic light and not as your romance partner, yes, you do begin to view them very differently. To be angry at them and yourself is a normal part of the healing process. The next stage is to some day own the choices YOU made, including NOT seeing the person for who they truly are, only who you wanted them to be during the relationship. They might have seen you the same way. And in time, hopefully you will move from anger to forgiveness, not only of them, but most importantly of you. So you can move forward, heal, forgive and find someone worthy of you.
Author StoptheDrama Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 LD - thanks for the kind words. I have a few leads on new positions and should, hopefully, be able to move on once their budgetary contraints have been lifted. :):):) Spark - thanks for the response. I have for the most part owned my role in the A. I take full responsibility for my participation. I knew he was married, I knew I had an SO but I was lonely and vulnerable and allowed myself to be selfish. What I have trouble dealing with is the lies, manipulation and especally the ongoing nonsense. I deal with it almost daily some weeks and sometimes it makes me so angry I could scream. "Enough already! It's not going to happen so give it up!" Then I feel stupid and get angry with myself. I had thought we were friends...really? I had always been honest with him and expected the same in return. I was even naive enough to think at one time we could be friends after the A...well, the games killed that but, then again, would the A had even happened if not for the games I was too blind to see....
PhillySpecial Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 You're certainly not the biggest fool in the world. There are other women on this forum and in the world who are STILL buying their MM's garbage to this day, and will continue to do so tomorrow, and the day after. At least your eyes are finally open and you see this man for what he is. He will never again get to use you or manipulate you, whereas many other women will continue to be dummies well into the future... Poor them... If I were you I'd be happy that I finally saw the light. We all make mistakes, but to continue to be a fool in light of all the facts is what's really very sad. You know what they say, fool me once...
MizzBlue72 Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 You are not the biggest fool ..... Think of it this way: YOU have the POWER!!! Good for you.... go make your own destiny ... screw him!!
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